A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not,so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the bast*rd who ran over my FROG!"
Pay Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
* I do physical labor;
* I work at great depths;
* I work head first;
* I do not get weekends off or public holidays;
* I work in a damp environment;
* I don't get paid overtime or shift benefits;
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation;
* I work in high temperatures;
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Response From Management:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
* You do not work eight hours straight;
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods;
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team;
* You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas;
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working;
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift;
* You don't always observe safety measures, such as wearing the correct
protective outfits;
* You don't wait 'till pension age before retiring;
* You don't like working double shifts;
* You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work;
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Top 10 Mafia Valentine's Cards
10. My love for you, it came and went. So your feet are now in wet cement.
9. I'm here to fulfill your fondest wishes, now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
8. Lie down with me -It's my final offa, or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
7. I picked up this card from a slim selection, But that's all they offer in witness protection.
6. Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass. So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.
5. Violets are blue, roses are red. I blew up your car, so why ain't you dead?
4. Hey, how you doin'?
3. Youse da greatest. Youse da best, but you're untouchable, like Elliot Ness.
2. Lust is fleeting, true love lingers. Be mine always, and you'll keep your fingers.
And the Number One Mafia Valentine's Day Greeting........
1. When a goon makes you die, cuz you told him goodbye, that's amore.
Bullfight
An Arizona cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull, he wins."
Getting Older
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
25th anniversary
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." 25th anniversary
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Laughing baby
A baby boy was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing - I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little guy in front of his worried parents. He just kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded his tiny fingers to check if his hand was all right, and guess what he found?
The birth control pill!
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked. Bring food.
THE COMPASSIONATE LAWYER
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."
Lipstick
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
Renting a Room
There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room.
He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the three guys go over to the pool.
The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas.
The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money.
The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"
Stock Tips
I just received this from my broker. I don't normally pass on stock tips,
but thought this explosive situation might prove to be another "Enron".
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks. American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Co. and Northern Tissue Co.... Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to:
sit tight on your Can,
hold your Water,
and let go of your Gas.
You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.
NEW CONTINUING EDUCATION CLASSES FOR MEN!!
A new two-year degree is being offered at the local community college that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn a MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas
Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECO 001A What's Hers is Hers
Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a ASSHOLE When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECO 001C What Was Yours is Hers
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake ... Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After
Sex 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Denzel Washington
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important
Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
Course Electives:
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECO 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
The Bet
An old woman walked into a bank and asked for the manager. He took her into a small room, and asked him if she could take out a loan of $500.000.
He asked her how she was ever gonna pay it back.
"I make bets," she answered slyly. "What?" replied the manager.
"I make bets with people, and win their money. Take this for example: I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"You're on," said the Bank Manager, feeling quietly confident.
The next day granny and her accountant came by the bank and went to see the bank manager.
"Now then," she said, "to make this fair, I have brought along my accountant. Now pull your trousers down."
"OK, anything for 25 grand..." he said
"I'll just get a wee feel now, to make sure."
While granny was doing this, the accountant began to bang his head on the wall.
"HAHA!!! They're round!" cried a delighted bank manager. "By the way, what's wrong with your accountant?"
"I bet him $500,000 that I'd have the bank manager by the balls on Friday morning!"
WHO WAS THE REAL JESUS
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married.
He was always telling stories.
He loved green pastures.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business.
He lived at home until he was 33.
He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Jesus.
He had no steady employment.
He was always being harassed by the authorities.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands.
He had wine with every meal.
He worked in the building trades.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody "brother".
He liked Gospel.
He couldn't get a fair trial.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot.
He started a new religion.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
She had to feed a crowd at a moments notice, when there was no food.
She kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
Even when she was dead, she had to get up because there was more work for her to do.
The Moral
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg layin hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.
" What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. Don't put all your eggs in one basket Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
That was a fine story, Sarah."
Michael, do you have a story to share?" Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"
The birds and the bees
A father asked his 12 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6, I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one". She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."
Leroy's Homework
This is Leroy's homework assignment: He must use each of the words listed below in a sentence.
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fights the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.
4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both.
6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch Israel."
9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho in the apartment undermine.
10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool hall.
11. Iraq - When we got the poolhall, I tol' my uncle, "Iraq, you break."
12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"
13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say, "fortify".
14. Income - I just got in bed wif a ho and income my wife.
Blonde Guy
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panticing. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
Men
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him pick only one.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need... A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "instruction manuals"
The Price
Rosalie walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident. She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am. How may I help you today? " Very uncomfortable, she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost? " He answers, "Lady, you farted just touching it. You're gonna shit when you hear the price!"
The Why's of Men?
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY? (they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS? (because they don't have penises to put them in)
6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON? (they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)
7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? ( because their balls fall over their assholes and they causse a vapor lock)
8. WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE? (it is sex with someone they love)
9. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they'll hopefully know not to hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
10. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
11. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE? (so he can tell if he's coming or going)
12. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know...... it never happens)
HOW TO DUMP A MAN
NOW THIS IS A FORM LETTER THAT WE SHOULD KEEP ON FILE!
Dear ________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply...
___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
__Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
__The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
______________________
A Horny Superman
Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay.
Superman then tells him that he couldn't do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away. Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is.
Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle.
He thinks I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she'll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and id 4 seconds he's back in the air flying away.
Wonder Woman looks up and says "What was that?" Invisible Man says: "I don't know but my ass hurts!"
Top 10 Valentines Day Greetings
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the sto.
In hopes that later, you'd be my ho.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so has your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Learn a new word each day:
Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.
Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots.
Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians.
Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm.
Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins see with.
Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.
Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines.
Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official.
Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Later that week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00am. Wake up."
Math
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Parrot Problem
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Father Vs Priest
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed the man had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly, but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
Ridership
The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3.. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4.. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,
5.. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
The Hotel Bill
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and decided to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have!"
The Man With No Ears
Sadly, Dave was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Dave did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said, stammering, "you have no ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"
Dave was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man then fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"
Potentially vs Realistically
A young boy approached his father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you learned from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million would buy?" The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between "potentially" and "realistically?"" The boy replied,"Yes, sir.
Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer."
Preachers Salary
There was a Preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The Preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After five or six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's pay.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the preacher's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd and said..
"Having children is an Act of God!:"
In the back of the room, a little old man stood up!!! In his frail voice said... "Snow and rain are also Acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear RUBBERS."
AMEN.
Dreams
Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.
"I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."
"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life."
His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?"
"Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing."
What He Wants
A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
Statues
Oranges
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came around the corner.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen
were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Wow, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.
LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grand father eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." the teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down thetop and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference? " asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful." Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on
little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"
Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew
1. Crying is blackmail.
Refusal
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby... all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying that it is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in yourgarage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants. The man, after reading the note, sent one of his own back to her. It read:
"Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a
Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty million dollars in the
bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut off three
inches. Just send the bottle back."
Mistress
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big openmouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Porsche or Mercedes in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies
Q and A
Where must a referee be to blow the whistle?
Cressida didn't like to tell her age, so when she was asked,her mother answered for her. Her mother said, "I'm just seven times as old as she is now. In twenty years, she'll be just half the age that I will be then." How old is clever little Cressida?
Answers:
THE IRISH SINNER
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."
Drowning
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your poor husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Tears in her eyes, she looks up at Tim and asks: "How did it happen? Don't spare me anything."
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a full vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Be-Jesus, you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
The Grass
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed the hair on her private area had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn
The Story!!!
A man walks into a curio shop in Haifa. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve shekels for the rat, one hundred shekels for the story," said the owner.
The man gave the man twelve shekels.
"I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting, he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him
faster and faster.
Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, I came back to see if you have a bronze Lawyer...
How to get the attention of the police...
Going to bed the other night I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.
I hung up. A minute later I rang again. "Hello", I said "I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now because I've shot them".
Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red handed. One of the officers said "I thought you said you'd shot them", to which I replied "I thought you said there was no one available."
The Cure
A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age" holistic doctor, as a last resort.
"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."
The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."
As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache...". She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.
"Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it... " .... "When was the last time you two had sex?" "About eight years ago." "Send him over."
A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the
bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her, . When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.
A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again. At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:
"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife....."
Arthritis
An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman resident. One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees, and says that when everybody else goes on a day trip they should stay behind at the home and get it on.
The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it.
After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis. He looks and her confused and states that surely one can't get arthritis down there, and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell.
She says, "No, it's the arthritis in my shoulder, it hurts so badly I can't wipe my ass properly."
Pesticide
A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?" The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."
"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.
"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."
"Listen here, " argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it."
Smart
An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Bill Clinton said "I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc.", so he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, said "I'm Antoine Walker, one the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die" so he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said "I am the wife of the President of the United States, a soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world", so she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute.
The boy scout said "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest woman took my backpack."
24 Hours
Malik returns from the doctor and tells his wife, Laquita, that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Malik asks Laquita for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they "get busy." About six hours later, Malik goes to Laquita and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, Laquita agrees, and they do it again. Later, as Malik gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes
that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches Laquita shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please ... just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Big Daddy," and they make love for the third time. After this session, Laquita rolls over and falls asleep. Malik, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps Laquita, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point Laquita sits up and says, "Listen, Mother-F*cker, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!
Oh what a happy couple!
The husband yells, "When you die I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife--Cold as Ever.'"
Size
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Honey, your butt is getting big. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."
The Husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill, and then measured his wife's butt. "Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size!"
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it Honey? How about a little lovemaking?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied, "Surely you don't think that I am going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"
Why yelling at a man doesn't work:
When a woman says:
What a man hears:
Getting Change
The other night, I went to a "Nude Bar" with two friends. Having never been in such an establishment before I decide to simply take my que from them. Danny pulled out a $10 bill. The dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and stuck it on her right butt cheek. Not to be outdone, my other friend Guido, pulled out a $50 bill, called the babe back over, licked the $50 bill and put it on her left butt cheek. Now the attention is focused on me. This babe is waiting impatiently, looking at me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought a minute, then my 'instincts' took over.
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the convenient crack grabbed the 60 bucks and went home.
A Crying Pregnant Blonde
There were three women sitting in a doctor's office, a blond, a brunette, and a red-head. They were all pregnant.
"I'm having a boy because I was on the bottom," said the brunette.
"Well, I'm having a girl because I was on top," said the red-head.
All of a sudden the blond started crying. They asked her what was wrong. "I'm having puppies," exclaimed the blond.
Down & Up
A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and
says: "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming
out of your bedroom and when I looked to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"
The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back down to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."
The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting your time." "Because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up!"
Detectives
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is
that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognizehim?" He quickly adds"...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting
answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"
TOP TEN REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
10. You can trade an old .44 for two new .22's.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
1. You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
Dummy?
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Kentucky. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching their full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!!!
Asshole
Q: What does a woman do with her asshole when she's having a orgasm?
A: She leaves him at home with the kids.
The "F" word
TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head. - JFK, 1963
And, the Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word...
"Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1997, 1993, 1990, etc.
FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the
firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom
and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house.
Management Lesson
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?". The crow answered: Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson?
Fast, very fast!
There was a teenage boy who worked in the produce section of the local market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. So he walked into the back and said, "There's some jerk out there that wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this here gentleman wants to buy the other half..."
The manager Okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager
called on the boy and said,
"You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was
impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada, Sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just up-tight homely women and hockey players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
Hard Life
Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra. The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal and will be sentenced to hard time.
The Ladies Comode!!
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each
time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!! So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder
Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
A massive gorilla
A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a
massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree.
This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up--sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes.
First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a
shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a mean ass dog. The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?" The gorilla extractor
explains: "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the
gorilla ass.
This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla.
At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away. The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?"
The man answers, "In case I fall off the ladder, you shoot that mean ass dog!"
Fast, faster, fastest
Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!"
One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!"
The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"
AFRICAN ROULETTE
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called, "Russian Roulette", to demonstrate one's courage. The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger.....CLICK.....empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual.... CLICK..... empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip,
the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with, "Russian
Roulette", and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to
demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappears through a door only to
reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn." The African
escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?"
The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal." --
Home for lunch
Two women at an art exhibition were staring at a painting entitled, 'Home For Lunch'. The painting was of three totally naked, very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual about the painting was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
The women just stood there in front of it, staring and scratching their heads, trying to figure it out. Just then, the artist walked by and noticed their
confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes," one woman said. "We're very curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"
"Oh, I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting," the artist explained. "The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the man in the
middle went 'Home For Lunch'
A hundred cords
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard.
He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After
cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He
thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one
hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the
dealer," the man says to himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the
problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that
noise?
Blind Man's Dilemma
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Jim & Mary
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Secret Service
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside:
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.
Trip to Florida
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis Minnesota who decided to go to Florida for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. Because both of them worked, they had some difficulty coordinating travel and their schedules. They finally decided that the husband would leave for Florida on a certain day and the wife would follow him the day after.
The man made it and went directly to his hotel. Once in his room, he decided to open his lap top and send his wife, who was still back in Minnesota, an e-mail. However, he accidentally left off one letter in typing his wife's e-mail address and sent the e-mail off without realizing his error. In another part of the country a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Lutheran Pastor of many years, who had been "called home to glory" just a few days earlier. She decided to check her e-mail because she was expecting to hear from her husband's relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother lying on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following:
Captain Courage
Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Courage. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic!
Captain Courage bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly
retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored
frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN
pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders.
Captain Courage gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants".
Me First
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
Cum Again?
Once upon a time in China lived two Chinamen. One named I cum and one named No cum. No cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No cum tu. For velly obvious reasons, No cum and No cum tu not have any children. One day, No cum go out of town on business and I cum came over and spent the night with No cum tu. That night I cum came and No cum tu came too. This makes both velly velly happy. However, about 7 or 8 months later, No cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come, he named it How cum u cum. Of course, I cum and No cum tu know How cum u cum came but to this day, No cum not know how come How cum u cum came!
Hotel For Women Only
A group of girlfriends went on vacation and saw a five-story hotel with a sign that read FOR WOMEN ONLY. Since they were there without their boyfriends, they decided to go in. The doorman, a very attractive man, explained to them how it worked:
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you can't return to it."
The women talk it over and decide to go for it... They start going up, and on the First floor the sign reads:
ALL THE MEN HERE ARE HORRIBLE LOVERS, BUT THEY ARE SENSITIVE AND KIND.
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor... The sign on the Second floor reads:
ALL THE MEN HERE ARE WONDERFUL LOVERS, BUT THEY GENERALLY TREAT WOMEN BADLY.
This wasn't going to do, so again they head for the stairs. The friends move
up to the Third floor where the sign reads:
ALL THE MEN HERE ARE GREAT LOVERS AND SENSITIVE TO THE NEEDS OF WOMEN.
This was good but there were still two more floors...
On the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect:
ALL THE MEN HERE HAVE PERFECT BUILDS; ARE SENSITIVE AND ATTENTIVE TO WOMEN; ARE PERFECT LOVERS; THEY ARE ALSO SINGLE, RICH, AND STRAIGHT.
The women seemed pleased but they decided that they would rather see what the Fifth floor has to offer.
When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads:
THERE ARE NO MEN HERE. THIS FLOOR WAS SIMPLY BUILT TO PROVE THAT THERE IS JUST NO WAY TO PLEASE A WOMAN.
Bear and Bunny
A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have problem of shit sticking to you fur"?
The bunny says "No"
Three Old Men
Three old men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her
body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."
The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours."
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have
possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
Jokes About The IRS
1. Post Office just recalled their newest stamps:
2. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
3. What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement?
4. What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?
5. What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?
6. What's brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?
7. What's the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
Freddie
Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right.
Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee.
He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the
counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman
looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
Day My Penis Died
An old man, Mr. Patterson, resided in a nursing home. One day, he went into
the nursing office and informed the nurse that his penis had died. The nurse realized that Mr. Patterson was an old, forgetful gentlemen, so she decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Patterson was walking down the halls of the nursing home. To the nurse's surprise, his penis was hanging outside his pants.
"Mr. Patterson, I thought you told me your enis had died?"
Thinking
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
Religious Cruise
A Rabbi, a Protestant minister and a Catholic Priest were taking a party of kids on a cruise. Suddenly the ship hit a rock and began to sink.
The Rabbi cried out: "Quick! The kids!"
"Fuck the kids!" said the minister, heading out.
"Do you think we have time?" said the priest.
An Irish Tale
An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary & began sending home money & gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail & elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce & stepped out wearing furs & diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said "Hmm - they sure seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London." The girl took his hands & said "Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his han on his heart & keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed & the priest was called. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping & wailing, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become".
"Please forgive me", his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money & the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute"? That was a close one - I thought you said Protestant.
Old Is!
OLD" IS WHEN...Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN...Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and
you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN...A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the
garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN...You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN...You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the
police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any
fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN...An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee.
"OLD" IS WHEN...Going Bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
CPR
Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie,
to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.
The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel
her legs!"
GREAT WISDOM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Civil Service
A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?" "Well, we work for the government and we're just dong our job," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his
shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back. Now just because Elmer's sick, that don't mean that Leroy and me can't work."
WordPlay
George Bush:
When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore
Dormitory:
When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
Evangelist:
When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
Desperation:
When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code:
When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines:
When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em
Animosity:
When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
Mother-in-law:
When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms:
When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's
A Decimal Point:
When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes:
When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two:
When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
And for the grand finale..............
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only
once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERN
Virgins Married each other
There was these newly weds that were both virgins and nervous about the wedding night.
Finally when it came the wife took off all of her clothes and went under the covers while her husband took off his clothes one by one.
First he took off his socks and his toes were messed up. His wife says "what happened to your toes?" He says "I had toelio".
She says "you mean Polio", but he said, "no, toelio".
Then he takes off his pants and the wife sees that his knees are all banged up and weird. The wife says "what happened to your knees?" He says "I had Kneaseles".
And she says "you mean Measles" and he says "no, Kneaseles".
Finally he took off his underwear and she says "Let me guess...small cox?"
The Mirror
A newly wed couple were looking to decorate their new house. Whilst bargain hunting, they found an unusual mirror, which the shop owner states is "magical". The couple buy the mirror, and place it on the back of their bedroom door. One day the wife decided to test the mirror out, and whilst looking into the mirror said: "Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my boobs size 44." And lo and behold it came true! She ran down the stairs to show her husband, who was utterly amazed. He proceeded to run up to the bedroom, and whilst
looking in the mirror he said: "Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my manhood touch the floor."
And then his legs fell off.
He said, she said!
He said..."I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to Put in it."
He said..."Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?"
He said..."This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
She said..."What do you mean by coming home half drunk?"
He said..."Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love To you in the worst way."
Priest... "I don't think you will ever find another man like your Late husband."
He said..."You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs; have You ever been mistaken for a man?"
He said..."Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?"
He said..."What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
He said..."Let's go out and have some fun tonight."
He said... "Want a quickie?"
1st Husband
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
Babies
Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him.
"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, and the baby stork is crying again. The mother says,
"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"
100%
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone asks for more than 100% effort. Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What does it take to give more than 100% to a project/task/job?
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.
And look how far ass kissing will take you...
SO NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT TAKES!
Cattle Call
When the cattle had been loaded into cars and shipped to Chicago for sale, each car was appointed an attendant to feed and water the cattle during the journey. This is the story of such a cowboy:
Following the unloading of the cattle in Chicago, the cowboy headed to a restaurant for dinner. The only seat was next to a lady who looked wealthy and educated. He couldn't help overhearing her order. "I'll have a breast of fowl, virgin fowl, make sure it's a virgin, catch it yourself, garnish my plate with onions, a cup of coffee, not too hot, not too cold, and open the window, I smell a cow, there must be a cowboy in here."
Thoroughly pissed off, the cowboy placed his order. "I'll have a duck, a fucked duck, make sure it's fucked, fuck it yourself, garnish my plate with horse shit, a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss, blow the foam off with a fart, and knock out the wall, I smell a cunt, there must be a whore in the house."
The Lie Clock
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said Hillary. "And whose clock is that one?"
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Rules
We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side. Ok - now hear the guys' side -... These are our rules! Please note...
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
Earless
Sadly, Bob was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Bob asked him, "Do you notice anything different about
me?""Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Bob did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears." Bob again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better
businessman than the first two put together. Bob was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"
Bob was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"
Reasonable Doubt
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his
client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this
case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned
and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."
Side Trip
Leaving Dallas for Houston, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...
"Hi there, how is it going?"
Ok I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say:
"Not bad..."
Then the voice says:
"So, what are you doing?"
I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:
"Well, I'm going back east..."
Then I hear the person say all flustered:
"Look I'll call you back - every time I ask you a question, this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!"
Poor Bastard
Poor bastard finds out that his wife was in a terrible car accident. Herushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and yells that his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and paged the doctor. The doctor comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "I'm afraid it's not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob.
"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia and bedsores." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll also have to diaper her, as she'll have no control over her bladder, and those diapers must be changed five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting." Now Mr. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, ....she's dead.
Underwater Real Estate
A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat."
Fart
Q: What do you call a fart in the men's room of a gay bar?
Animal Complaints
It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot. They were an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.
The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"
Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."
The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger hole or smaller eggs."
Tampons and Cigarettes
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is Soooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!
Pig Mate
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he took them to the county fair to sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided mate the pigs, split every-thing 50/50 including profits from the sale of all the piglets. The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another, so they agreed to drive thirty miles and meet in a field in which to mate their pigs.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, then they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, MUD again! This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get outbed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."
"Neither," reported his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
Computer Terms for Rednecks
Here are some definitions for common computer terms as interpreted by our "redneck" friends.
Backup. What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Bar Code. Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
Bug. The reason you gave for calling in sick
Byte. What your pit bull done to cousin Jethro
Cache. Needed when you run out of food stamps
Chip. Pasture muffins you try not to step in
Crash. When you go to Junior's party uninvited
Digital. The art of counting on your fingers
Diskette. Female Disco dancer
Fax. What you lie about to the IRS
Hacker. Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
Hardcopy. Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
Internet. Where cafeteria workers put their hair
Keyboard. Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
Mac. Big Bubba's favorite food
Megahertz. How your head feels after 17 beers
Modem. What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
Mouse Pad. Where Mickey and Minnie live
Network. Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
Online. Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM. Where the Pope lives
Screen. Helps keep the `skeeters off the porch
Serial Port. A red wine you drink with breakfast
Superconductor. Amtrak's employee of the year
SCSI. What you call your week-old underwear
Terminal. Time to call the undertaker
$500.00
Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife's, legs were spread wide, and wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table & emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed & asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously
admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial situation as well as the moral
costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons & John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time at 2pm sharp & after paying her the agreed upon $500,
they went to the bedroom & closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed & left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6pm & upon
entering the house, asks his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?".
In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, & after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500". Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning & borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home & pay me back."
Never Underestimate Your Mother
Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and his roommate and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs.Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian"
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read: "Dear son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom"
Lesson of the day:
Q and A
Q: Why is the section of a woman's body between the breasts and the hips called the waist?
A: Because another pair of breasts could easily fit there!
Anthropological Stages of Man
When the Creator was making the world, He called man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified! "Only 20 years!" he complained. But the Creator didn't budge. That was all He would grant him.
Then He called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the monkey, "10 is plenty." Man spoke up and said, "Can't I have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed.
Then the Creator called the lion and gave him 20 years. The lion said he desired only 10 years. Again, man asked, "Can't I have the other 10 years?" "Of course," roared the lion.
Then came the donkey. He, too, was given 20 years and like the others said 10 years was all he needed. Man asked again for the spare 10 years and again received them.
This explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it, and 10 years of making an ass of himself.
New Principal
As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day.
Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?"
Memo To All Employees
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
4some
This foursome has teed off every Saturday morning for the past three years. One of the guys was a most remarkable player.
He would play left-handed for a couple of weeks, and the next week he would play right-handed with equal skill.
His one annoying fault was that every couple of months or so he would be twenty minutes late to tee off.
One morning, after this guy had landed his second shot just two feet from the pin, one of the others said. "I can't stand it any longer! Jess, what's with switching sides, right to left?
Why do you do that?" "Well, I tell ya. Every Saturday morning when I wake up, I turn over and look at my wife in the bed next to me.
If she's sleeping on her right side, then I tee off right- handed.
If she's on her left side, then I play left-handed." "Aha! But what if she's on her back?"
"That's when I'm twenty minutes late!"
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.
Senior Moment
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal andeven the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Last Wish
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."
Definitions
ClockSucker= someone who milks the clock, i.e.it took you five hours to do that where normally it takes an hour.
Rectrocranial Inversion as in having your head up your a..
Superbilious – billing practices of credit card companies so that no matter how often or much is paid, the bill is always “Now Due.”
Disco Worker - As I put stuff on the shelves I said "Dis go here& dis go there! So I must be a Disco worker.
Inflautuation: The act of holding gas while on a date with someone you like.
Foxymoron - The perfect blind date.
Optus-rectum- a medical condition in which the nerves of ones eyes & ass get crossed & one has a shitty outlook on life.
Aging
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.
New Element Discovered: "Administratium"
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium."
Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called peons.
Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally require less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutron forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it!
Gynecologist
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
Buckwheat and Darla Spelling
Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asked Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb?'" Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." Darla says, "Buckwheat is dumb." "Now spell 'stupid,'" the teacher asks. Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid." Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictates." Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e-s, dictates." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictates good."
Length of things to come
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly fifteen inches: Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent
urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "You're planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
Guess Again
A man comes out of a shopping mall to find the side of his parked car rammed in.
Seeing a note under the windshield, he reads it. On the paper is written: "As I'm writing this, about a dozen people are watching me. They think I'm giving you my name, phone number, and insurance company. But I'm not ..."
The Wall
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."
The journalist is impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.
The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
Loose Lips
A woman went to her doctor and said that she wanted an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asked the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out.
The doctor agreed. She woke up from her operation and found three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the doctor and said," I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
Don't worry," he said, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked.
"Oh," said the doctor, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Gods Help
There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.
One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says 'No, that's ok. God will take care of me.' So, the man in the boat drives off.
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, 'No, that's ok. God will take care of me.' The person in the boat then leaves.
The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.
Jim tells her 'That's ok.' The woman says 'Are you sure?' Jim says, 'Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God 'You told me you would take care of me! What happened?'
God replied 'Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?'
For a Dime
There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand-- it being hot and him being thirsty -- he decided to stop. once he got up to the little boy's stand, he noticed a sign that said"All you can drink 10 cents", well, he thought that it was an awful small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all you can drink, he decided to get some anyway.
Well, he gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig. So he slapped it back onto the table and says, "fill 'er up." and the kid says, "sure thing, that'll be 10 cents."
To this the business man says, "but your sign says all you can drink for a dime."
"It is," the little boy replies, "that's all you can drink for a dime."
Politicians
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field. The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.
A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie."
New Element Discovered: "Administratium"
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium."
Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally require less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutron forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it!
" Blonde "
Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again....for no reason." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
Sure Cure For Snoring
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep at night, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.
Later that night her husband returns home drunk, after being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him also. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman
sleeps soundly.
He wakes up from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to the dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but we got first and second place."
Repaint
Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.
One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.
The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn, among the gravestones, amid puddles of thinned and worthless paint.
Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice: "REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"
Sharing The News:
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.
Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.
The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."
The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."
Fighter Pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower,"
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things
really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,
"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands and says defianitly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
Exam
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. Imight consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Checking Account
I WANT TO OPEN A "DAMN" CHECKING ACCOUNT !!
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window, "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, dammit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem", the man says. "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Private Dick
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. Therefore, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir: You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree - look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see. No Fee
Learning
A father and his son were taking a walk. Every few steps the little boy would ask another question. "What is electricity?" "Why is the sky blue?" "What makes the cars run?" and so on. Each time his father answered that he didn't know. Finally the little boy became discouraged and was quiet for a long time. Then he decided to take another chance. "Pop, do you mind if I ask you another question?"
"Not at all, son. Keep right on asking. How else will you ever learn anything?"
Chicken or the Egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard, smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and
says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
Nun & the Priest
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologised, "Sorry sister but the flesh is week." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great opportunity!!
What's Her Name
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, called his wife by
many endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice. After all these years, you still call your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name years ago."
You Know What They Say!
A woman had identical twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amahl. The other went to a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amahl.
Her husband responded, "But they're twins.......... if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."
The Good Doctor
Doctor Darren had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Darren, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......"
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Darren, you're a vet...."
Airconditioning
It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker,"Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the
eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry." Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr. Ford." "What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!"
"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr. Ford and push the white button." Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.
"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?" Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. And there is something else. The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-conditioning' must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!"
Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!' They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' name would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air
conditioning system.
And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel: NORM, HI and MAX.
Automobile Names
1) AUDI: All Unsafe Designs Included
2) BMW: Brutal Money Waster (also, Break My Windows - when parked on city streets)
3) BUICK: Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
4) CHEVROLET: Can Hear Every Valve Rapping On Long Extended Trips
5) DODGE: Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
6) FIAT: First In All Troubles
7) FORD: Fix Or Repair Daily (also, Found On Road, Dead)
8) GM: General Maintenance
9) GMC: Garage Man's Companion
10) HONDA: Had One, Never'll Do It Again
11) HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand, Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive
12) MAZDA: Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
13) OLDSMOBILE: Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
14) SAAB: Swedish Autos Always Breakdown
15) TOYOTA: Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
16) VOLVO: Very Old Vehicular Looking Object
17) VW: Virtually Worthless
Indian Experience
An Indian from a nearby reservation went to a whore house and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered, he said, "Me want woman!" The Madam looked at him kind of funny and said, "You want a woman, huh?" He replies, "Yes. Me want woman. Me got money."
"But do you have experience?" the Madam asked. "Experience?" replied the Indian. "Have you done this before?" "No, but me want woman. Me got money."
The Madam laughed and said, "I'll tell you what honey, you go out into the forest over there and practice with the knotholes in those trees, and when you know what you're doing, you come back and see me."
The Indian went out into the forest and found a knothole to practice. The next week he went back to the whorehouse and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered, he exclaimed, "Me want woman! Me got experience!" So the Madam sent him upstairs with one of her girls.
When they got upstairs, the Indian told her to take off her clothes and bend over. When she did, he took out a 2x4 and smacked her on the behind. "What the heck did you do that for?" she exclaimed.
"Me check for bees."
The Fly
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, 'ya bastard! Spit it out!"
Polack With A Yardstick
An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polack with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.
Seeing the Polack's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."
The Polack grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"
Not Going To Miss it
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?"
Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
Donating
A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.
Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: (nodding her head with mouth tightly closed) "Unh unh."
GOD VS. SATAN
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed, and created quadruple bypass surgery, angioplasties, and stints.
And Satan created HMOs...
Jewish Genie
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst.
He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath when suddenly, he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie ...
BUT this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, tzitzies, etc.
"Vell kid," says the genie. "You know how it voiks. You got three vishes."
"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"
"What you got to lose? Looks ta me -- you're a gonner anyvay!"
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
POOF
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"Okadoky kiddo, what's your second vish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
POOF
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.
"Okay kid, you got just one more wish. Better should make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!!!"
POOF
He is turned into a tampon.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY ....................
If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.
Duck Tales
A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver and informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where does he think he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he
just doesn't know what to do anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from there and that's where you should be taking them. That will take care of your problem."
The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks. The next day the officer again sees the pick-up truck once again speeding down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are standing there with sunglasses. The officer pulls over the driver
over and says, "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!"
"I did that," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"
Painting
Jill goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.
Jill walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"
Old Men
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over the other and said, "Crimony sakes! Life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the darned flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes, and while completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.
His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by a loud roar of applause. The streaker burst back out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. Hurriedly, he ran over to his eager buddy.
"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.
"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for best dried arrangement!"
4 Kinds of Sex
HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while you just have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX: After you have been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say, "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX: Your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of lots of people for every penny you've got.
Indians
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they did some Astronaut training on a Navajo Indian Reservation in Arizona. One day, a Navajo Elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the Moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So, the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the Elder's message to any people on the Moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the Moon message said, " Watch out for these bastards, they have come to steal your land."
25 Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Recognition
Three priests went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and were exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom". As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies came along from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The third replied, "I do not know about you, but in my congregation, it is my face they would recognize."
Tastes Darn Good
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then, a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says: "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I ever put my pecker in."
"The Changing Role Of Women In The Middle East",
a heart-warming story of the advances of women in achieving equality throughout the world."...... Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
"Land mines!"
Irish Problem Solving
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."
Confession
An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess."
"It's worse, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
"You were both in great danger. Two people together under those circumstances act that way. You are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Because everything in life isn't funny!
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
6. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
7. You have too many shoes.
8. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
9. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
10. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
11. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank
range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
12. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
14. Sunday = Sports.
15. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap-opera guys.
16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
17. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty
you are?
18. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
19. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done --
not both.
20. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
21. You have enough clothes.
22. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
1. Behind the whistle.
2. None because pigs can't talk!
3. One Thousand Nine Hundred and Sixty Six pennnies equal $19.66 which is almost $20.00
4. Cressida is four years old.
The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who might be the woman you were with?"
"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Bridget O'Shanter?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers,"What'd you get?" "Five more good leads"
"Yeah, well when you die I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband--Stiff at last.'
"This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
9. You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.
7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.
3. A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"
2. A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.
"Hello?" "Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his
firewood." "This will be noted."
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived!
I've just checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Your Devoted Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.
They had pictures of IRS agents on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Not enough cement.
Skeet.
His co-workers.
A Doberman.
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.
"It did," he replied. "Today is the viewing."
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting
word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What
happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us
had to do our own thinking."
She said..."You wear briefs, don't you?"
She said..."Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left You the money."
She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."
He said..."It's not my fault...I ran out of money."
She said..."Well, you succeeded."
She said..."Who's gonna look?"
She said..."No, have you?"
She said..."Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind."
She said..."Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
She said..."Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."
She said..."As opposed to what?"
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
3. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. It's not bad. It's not good. It just is.
4. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.
5. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
6. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no amount of discussion can change that.
7. When we are late to go somewhere, almost anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Crying is blackmail.
9. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
10. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
11. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
12. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
13. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
14. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
15. Check your oil! . Please.
16. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
17. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. Clear enough, isn't it?
18. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
19. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway.
20. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
21. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
22. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
23. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months. Salesmanship is what we do best.
24. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
25. If it itches, it will be scratched.
26. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. It is only proof of how bad we are at mind reading.
27. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
28. I'm in shape. - ROUND is a shape.
A: A love call.
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium..........................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.........................Searching for the cat.
Cauterize.................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.........................A sheep dog.
Coma.......................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate........................To live longer than your kids do.
Enema................Not a friend.
Fester.................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.................A small lie.
G.I.Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail............What you hang your coat on.
Hospital.............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.
Impotent...................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain...............Getting hurt at work.
Morbid.....................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff...........A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node.........................I knew it.
Outpatient................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room......Place to do upholstery.
Secretion.................Hiding something.
Tablet......................A small table to change babies on.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Terminal Illness.........Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor.........................More than one.
Urine...........................Opposite of mine.
Varicose.....................Near by.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
Funny Stuff Part 2
Funny Stuff Part 3
Funny Links
A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice."
- Bill Cosby
Sykes Group LLC