I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control.
Auntie Em,
Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.
.......Dorothy
I love cats... They taste just like chicken
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot
All generalizations are false
Cover me, I am changing lanes
Horn Broken. Watch for finger
Forget about World Peace...
Visualize using your turn signal
We have enough youth, how about a Fountain of Smart
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you
Change is inevitable, except from vending machine
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once
Out of my mind... Back in 5 minutes
Born Free... Taxed to Death
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot
Rehab is for quitters
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition
If you don't like the news, go out and make some
When you do a good deed, get a receipt In case heaven is like the IRS
If you can read this, I could slam on my brakes and sue you
Unless you're a hemorroid..GET OFF MY ASS
How am I driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT
I can go from 0-Bitch in 6.3 seconds
My Karma ran over my Dogma
Sorry, I don't date outside my species
No radio Already stolen
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
Where there's a will, I want to be in it
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW
Tell me to 'stuff it' I'm a taxidermist
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got
Time is the best teacher, Unfortunately it kills all its students
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist
Some people are only alive cause its illegal to kill
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot
Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else
Friends help move. Real friends help you move bodies
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes
Don't laugh, mines actually PAID FOR
Baby on board, Bitch in the trunk
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
i souport publik edekashun
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't
