Site hosted by Build your free website today!

Why? Good Question
Frequently Asked Questions
Now For a Little Skit
The Brilliance of Bob-o
Letters From An American Fan

Garianne The Teenybopper
One Man Cover Band
Number One w/the Mullet
Lifestyles of the Narcissistic
OutHouse Magazine
Bob-o Model/Actor
Shrine of Love
Pink Fashion Show
Bob-o the Psychic Swami
Breakfast of Champions

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
Sometimes, He Scares Me
Better Off

Things That Make You Go Hmmm
Teddy Bears Are Evil
My, Aren't We Pretty?
Pleasing Bob-o
Let's Play a Game
Bored? I've Got Your Answer!
I Put the Ass in Assistant

It's Story Time
The Robfather
Trailer TRASH Talk
Christmas w/Martha Stewart
Deep Arse Travel
Crotching Tiger Hidden Dragon

Beginning Of The End
My Ego Trip
Link Me

Deep Arse Exploration

The year is 2000 and deep arse travel is just in it's trial stages. The new space race has begun. America and Russia are in competition to have the first successful arse exploration. Candidates for research are few, because, after all, would you want a spaceship up your arse? The Russians pay, mostly, derelicts to let them experiment on their areses, but, as you can imagine, the research was on the nasty side and leading nowhere. The Americans knowing this devised a plan that would undoubtedly put them a giant step ahead of the Russians. They plotted to inject a minute space craft into the arse of an unexacting British pop star...Robbie Williams. He seemed the best candidate, especially since he was fond of mooning people. This would give the Americans the perfect chance to enter the candidate's arse and finally beat the Russians. They elected Rebekka L. McKenzie to head the mission and with her trusty cat Vanilla Ice as copilot, they embarked on the historical mission. It just so happened that Robbie Williams had a photo shoot for his new up coming album, Sing When Your Winning a few weeks later and Rebekka was there with her ship just waiting for the ideal moment. As he pulled down his pants to strike a very scandalous pose, Rebekka and Vanilla prepared to enter the target.

Rebekka: Systems up, prepare to engage arse.

Vanilla Ice: {Looks up from licking paw} Yo bitch, what's all dat whack shit you talkin?

Rebekka: {Flipping switches} It's all very complicated and only a mission leader like myself would understand.

Vanilla: Are you callin me dumb?

Rebekka: Hey, if the flea collar fits...

Vanilla: Oh no you didn't try and diss the Ice Man...

Rebekka: Why don't you just go back to licking yourself and I'll prepare a quick systems check.

Vanilla: Bitch, I knows how to do a systems check.

Rebekka: Fine, are the gas balls filled to capacity?

Vanilla: Excuse me?

Rebekka: Are the gas balls filled with gas?

Vanilla: Oh, right. Yea, they be filled.

Rebekka: Filters operating properly?

Vanilla: Word to yo mother.

Rebekka: Climate steady?

Vanilla: Cool as Ice, bitch.

Rebekka: Food supplies stocked?

Vanilla: {Rubbing paws together} Word, G.

Rebekka: Good. Now I'll just flip on computer operations and we'll be all set....Computer do you copy?

Computer: {Yawning} What'd ya want? I'm trying to sleep.

Rebekka: I have the arse coordinates. I need you to compute them and take us there immediately.

Computer: Damnit, can't you stupid humans do anything yourselves?

Rebekka: That's a negative. I'm American.

Computer: Well, that explains everything then. Give me the coordinates...

Rebekka types in the coordinates to the computer.

Rebekka: Alright, strap yourself in Vanilla, we're in for a bumpy ride.

Vanilla: Bumpy?!? Oh no, no one told me dis bitch had hemorrhoids...

Rebekka: {Shaking head} Just strap in.

Computer: Destination mapped out. Departure time zero seconds.

With that Rebekka's ship, Ball Zac 21, headed towards Robbie's exposed arse and engages entry.

Robbie: Holy shite! What the fuck was that?!?

Photographer: {Putting down his camera} Um, the flash?

Robbie: No, something pricked my arse...

Photographer: What?

Robbie: {Pulling up pants} It feels like I have something stuck up my arse.

Meanwhile back in the Ball Zac 21 Rebekka and Vanilla are having problems of their own...

Rebekka: We seemed to be snagged on something.

Vanilla: Could it be one of this bitch's giant hemorrhoids?

Rebekka: Oh shut up about hemorrhoids will you. We need to find out what has us caught.

Vanilla: Bitch, don't be gettin snippy with me.

Rebekka: Mission control come in....this is Ball Zac 21, do you copy? I said do you copy? No response. Computer, what's the problem?!?

Computer: Looks like a malfunction.

Rebekka: No shit, but what are we caught on?

Computer: Well, know it all figure it out yourself.

Vanilla: {Looking out the window} Yo G, it looks like the gas balls are stuck...

Rebekka: What?

Vanilla: The gas balls on the end of the ship are too big to fit through his ass.

Rebekka: What?!?

Vanilla: Bitch what the hell am I talkin in tongues? I said...

Rebekka: I know what you said damnit.

Vanilla: I thought I told you not to be gettin snippy with me. I'll pop a cap in yo ass.

Vanilla get out a gun and aims it Rebekka.

Rebekka: {Taking the gun away from Vanilla} We need to worry about only one ass right now, and that's the one we're stuck in.

Vanilla: Oh like it's my fault we're stuck. Who's the crackhead bitch who designed this ship?

Rebekka: What does it matter?!?

Vanilla: Cuz they need to be bitch slapped for making such a whack piece of crap.

Rebekka: Well, if we ever find a way to unlodge the gas balls from this guy's ass then you can bitch slap whoever you want, but until then we need to think of plan!

Vanilla: Your the leader, you think of somethin.

Rebekka: Computer prepare for light speed.

Computer: I can't do that.

Rebekka: Why not?

Computer: Because light speed would rip this guy a new asshole and kill us in the process.

Rebekka: I don't know what else to do. Mission control isn't responding and if we don't get loose soon the pressure will make the ship explode!

Vanilla: Oh no, I'm not down with exploding. You better think of somethin fast because I swear if I'm blowin into tiny bits I'll haunt you in the afterlife bitch. I'll follow you around playing cheesy pop shit like Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys. I'll spit up hairballs on your favorite pair of pants and piss in your shoes. You'll never be able to get rid of my bitter cat spirit!

Rebekka: {Thinks} I've got it!

Vanilla: Yea, that's what I thought skank...I scared ya with that Backstreet Boys shit didn't I?

Rebekka: {Typing into the controls} One second...almost there...done!

The ship shoots through Robbie's arse.

Robbie: Fuck! There it was again!

Photographer: Why don't you take a bathroom break?

Robbie: I'm not bloody crazy. There's something in my arse!

Photographer: Sure, there is...the restroom is right over that way.

Robbie: What? I don't have to take a's something different.

Photographer: It always is with you pop stars...

Robbie: That's it. I'm through with this photo shoot.

Robbie stomps off the set rubbing his ass. Meanwhile, finally free, Rebekka and Vanilla decide to celebrate.

Rebekka: Vanilla, let's have a toast to our freedom!

Vanilla: Word G.

Rebekka: What do we have in our food supply to celebrate?

Vanilla: {Rummaging through the food} Um let's see...there be 9 Lives, Wiskas, Alpo, and Purnia...

Rebekka: What about food for me?

Vanilla: Um...nope don't see any.

Rebekka: What?!? But, I told you pack food!

Vanilla: And I did.

Rebekka: You packed food only you can eat!

Vanilla: You never said what kind of food. You just said to pack some and that's what I did.

Rebekka: When someone says to pack food it means food that both people can eat, not just the crazy cat. What did you think I was going to eat?

Vanilla: How da hell should I know? I thought you'd be smart enough to think of bringin somethin, after all aren't you da leader of dis whole thing?

Rebekka: I did think, that's why I asked you to pack food. I did, however show a minor lack of intelligence for asking someone like you to do something as important as pack food!

Vanilla; Yo chill bitch. There's a pack of mentos you can have here.

Rebekka: Oh wow, a whole frigging pack of mentos all for me?!? Let me do a little dance.

Vanilla: Actually, it's not a whole pack, but you can have the rest.

Computer: {Switching back on} You also showed a lack of intelligence when you released our gas, oh fearless leader.

Vanilla: {Laughing at the computer} Yo dis computer must be on crack! It sounded like it said you released our gas. Ha ha ha.

Computer: That is what I said.

Vanilla: {Looking at Rebekka} Are you fuckin insane?!?

Rebekka: Apparently I am. Out of all the people I could have chosen to take with me on the most important exploration in history I chose a pet with an identity crisis.

Vanilla: What's that? Now you got a new pet? Your replacing me wit goldfish aren't you? I smell somethin fishy...and it's not the sardines I packed.

Computer: {Looking at Vanilla} I believe she's talking about you and your obsession with fallen rap artist Vanilla Ice...

Vanilla: What you say bitch? Fallen? Fallen? The Ice Man is makin a come back ok Short Circuit bitch.

Computer: Sure he is...

Vanilla: Are you bein condescendin towards me?

Computer: My, I had no idea someone like you knew such big words...

Vanilla: There you goes again.

Vanilla gets out another gun.

Vanilla: I'll pop a cap in yo ass like it was nothin you Macintosh piece of shit.

Computer: {Gasps} How dare you call me a Macintosh!

Rebekka: Will you two stop it?!?

Vanilla: {Putting the gun away} You better watch yo wires bitch, cuz when your not looking....

Rebekka: Vanilla! Give it a rest.

Vanilla: What'd I do?!?

Rebekka: I'm going to try and contact Mission Control again. Mission Control...come in. Mission Control can you read me? It's not working... I'm going to have to revert to using the communications control switch. I know it's for emergencies only but I'd consider this an emergency wouldn't you?

Vanilla: Um there's somethin I need to tell you...

Rebekka: Not now.

Rebekka presses the Communications Control switch to contact Mission Control but instead of connecting with the control center music starts to play. It's the sound of a cat meowing.

Meow Meow Meow...Meooowww

Rebekka: What in the hell is this?!?

...Meooowww Meow Meoowww

Vanilla: That's what I was trying to tell you...

Rebekka: Tell me what?

Vanilla: Well, I didn't think we'd really need to use the Communication Control switch so I kinda replaced it with a Cd player...

Rebekka: You did what?!?

Computer: Ha ha ha.

Vanilla: Damn, like it's my fault we stuck here. Your the one who released our gas.

Rebekka: This is just perfect. I'm lost in an ass with no food, a computer from hell, a cat who clearly is as dumb as he looks and frigging Garfield's Greatest Hits!

Vanilla: Wait, hold up. If it weren't for your dumb gas releasin decision we'd be flyin out dis whack ass right now.

Rebekka: No, if it weren't for me we'd be tiny pieces of rice floating in this guy's next shit!

Vanilla: Oh wow. What do you want? A friggin cookie?

Rebekka: Yes, but unfortunately your dumbass didn't pack any!!!

Vanilla walks over to Rebekka and bitch slaps her up the backside of her head.

Rebekka: Ooowww! What the fuck what that for?!?

Vanilla: You said when we got freed I could bitch slap whoever I wanted and right then I wanted to bitch slap you!

Rebekka: Running after Vanilla} Why you little... When I catch you I'm going to eat your ass, and then use your fur to make me a nice white hat!

Vanilla: What the hells is wrong wit you?!? You'd eat a cat?

Rebekka: {Catching Vanilla by the tail} Why not? Just liking eating Chinese right?

Vanilla: {Hissing)You racist bitch.

Just then there's a loud crash as the ship flies into something. The crash sends Rebekka and Vanilla hard to the ground.

Rebekka: {Shaking head} What was that?

Computer: Seems as though we hit something.

Vanilla: {Crushed under Rebekka} Gets off me you cow!

Rebekka: {Standing up} What in the world could we have hit?

Computer: Scanning contents of arse....

Vanilla: {Giving Rebekka a dirty look} I can't believe you was goin eat me.

Computer: We're currently in the lower colon. We've struck a large pile of feces.

Rebekka: Shit!

Computer: Well, yes that's another way to put it.

Vanilla: Isn't that just a bitch?

Rebekka: Computer, give me the status of the ship.

Computer: Um, well, we're stuck.

Rebekka: What? We can't get out?!?

Computer: We could if we had gas...

Vanilla: Well, who'd of thought gas was used fo some much?

Rebekka: Ok, ok. So it was a bad idea to release the gas balls...I'M SORRY!

Vanilla: As long as you know it was a stupid ting to be doin.

Rebekka: Computer what can we do to free the ship?

Computer: The only possible way is to manually free it.

Rebekka: You mean...

Computer: Gear up in your spacesuit and give her the ol' shove.

To be continued....