Woman: Excuse me, sir, but you can't do that...you're making a mess!

Young Man: Panties, must have panties...

Woman: Well, exactly what kind of panties were you looking for, and would you please stop throwing them all over the floor?!?

Young Man: Panties...special panties...

Woman: {Bending down to pick up the packages of underwear} Special panties? Are you on crack? Damnit, not another crackhead. I swear I'm so sick of you people coming in here and making a mess! This is what happens when your open 24 hours, crackheads come in here and throw underwear all over the place and I have to clean it up! I knew I should have applied at Walmart...

Young Man: Panties, must find panties...

Woman: Yeah, yeah. I heard you the first time. These are all the underwear we have...

Young Man: Tiger panties....

Woman: Huh?

Young Man: Must find Tiger panties...

Woman: Well, we don't have Tiger panties. Now, if you're just looking for underwear with animals on it, we've got some Scooby Doo briefs over in the Kids department. We also have leopard skin thongs in the Women's department....

Young Man: Tiger panties...

Women: We don't have Tiger panties here. It's Scooby Doo briefs or leopard skin thongs and that's it. We're not Fredrick's of Hollywood, ok? This is frigging Kmart, we don't have a buffet of underwear. So take it or leave it buddy, because you're starting to piss me off!

Loud Speaker: Nancy Lewis we need a price check on isle 5...price check on isle 5.

Woman: Damnit, that's me...I gotta go. No more throwing the underwear, got it?

Nancy walks way leaving the young man still searching through the racks of underwear. He's about to give up all hope when he hears a sound coming from a rack of bras in the nearby Women's Department. He listens closely.

Rack of Bras: Pst! Pst!

The young man takes a step closer to the bras.

Rack of Bras: Hey you, panties boy...over here!

He walks over to the bras and looks inside the rack to discover a wrinkled old Chinese man.

Old Man: What's your name boy?

Young Man: Robbie...

Old Man: Well Robbie, I heard you say you were looking for Tiger panties.

Robbie: Yes, do you know where I can get them?!?

Old Man: I might, but what makes you think you're worthy to wear them? It's takes strength and discipline to become a Tiger panties master.

Robbie: Can you teach me?

Old Man: No, it has been too many years since I've frolicked in my Tiger panties...I am sorry, I cannot help you.

Robbie: But, I really need those panties!

Old Man: Then you must seek the hidden dragon.

Robbie: Hidden Dragon?

Old Man: He is wise and knows the road to Tiger panties oneness.

Robbie: But how do I find him?

Old Man: Follow your heart.

Robbie: Follow my heart?

Old Man: Or you could try that rack of thongs over there.

Robbie looks behind him at the huge displace of women's thongs.

Robbie: Over there?

Old Man: I can say no more...

Robbie walks over to the thongs.

Robbie: Uh, hello? Hidden Dragon?

Hidden Dragon: {Talking from behind the thongs} You dare to disturb the great and powerful Hidden Dragon?!?

Robbie: No...uh, yeah. Well, you see, I need to get Tiger panties, and the old Chinese man over there, in the bras, told me to seek the Hidden Dragon hiding in the thongs...

Hidden Dragon: {Yelling at the old man} Damnit you old fart! How many times do I have to tell you not to tell people I'm hiding in the thongs?!?

Old Man: Oh shut up and help the boy!

Hidden Dragon: Don't tell me what to do.

Old Man: What you gonna do about it?

Hidden Dragon: Don't make me unleash the dragon on your ass.

Robbie: Unleash the dragon? You mean like that silver haired midget Sisqo?

Just then Sisqo comes jumping out of the thongs.

Sisqo: Ta da!

Robbie: Holy shit!

Sisqo: Hey, who you callin a silver haired midget?

Robbie: Um, no one, no one.

Sisqo: So you want Tiger panties, do ya?

Robbie: Yes.

Sisqo: Hmmm. {Looking closely at Robbie} Did you buy my solo Cd?

Robbie: Huh?

Sisqo: I said, did you buy my solo Cd?

Robbie: Uh, no?

Sisqo: {Jumping up and down} What?!? Well, if you want those Tiger panties you had better walk your ass over to the Electronics Department and buy it!

Robbie: {Laughing} Ha ha, that's funny! For a second there, I almost thought you were serious.

Sisqo: {Putting hands on his hips} Boy, I am dead serious. Now, you better hurry before I change my mind about giving you those panties.

Robbie: Right.... Be right back.

Robbie runs over to the Electronics Department and franticly searches for Sisqo's solo Cd.

Robbie: Damnit, where the hell is it?

Nancy: Excuse me, sir, but you can't... Oh, not you again!

Robbie: Sisqo Cd...must find Sisqo Cd...

Nancy: Well, I just sold the last one.

Robbie: Noooo!

Nancy: It's not that good of a Cd anyway, so don't get your panties all twisted in a knot. Hey, speaking of panties, did you find the Scooby Doo ones we were talking about earlier?

Robbie: {Looking through the Cds} Sisqo...Thongs...

Nancy: Oh, you opted for the leopard thongs?

Robbie: I have to get a copy of that Cd!

Nancy: Listen, you don't want to waste your money on that piece of crap, believe me. I bought it a few days ago and it sucks. Actually I have it up in the break room. I'm using it as a coaster.

Robbie: I'll give you 20 bucks for it!

Nancy: For my Sisqo Cd?

Robbie: Yeah.

Nancy: I dunno, my sister kinda wanted to borrow it...

Robbie: 30...I'll give you 30 bucks for it.

Nancy: You really are on crack, aren't you?

Robbie: Listen I don't have time to argue, are you going to sell it to me or not?

Nancy: Well not if you're going to get salty with me!

Nancy stomps away.

Robbie: Damnit! Looks like I'm gonna have to sneak up to the break room and get the Cd for myself.

Robbie takes off for the break room. He walks up a flight of stairs and is soon in front of a door marked "employees only". Robbie goes to turn the door handle but he realizes there is no handle to turn. He then notices a small voice box to the right of the door.

Robbie: Don't tell me this thing is voice activated!

Robbie pushes the button on the voice box hoping it will open the door.

Voice Box: Please state your name.

Robbie: {Talking in a high pitched tone} Um, Nancy.

Voice Box: Voice imprint not known. Access denied.

Robbie: What?!?

Voice Box: Please step away from the door.

Robbie: {Pressing the button again} Listen here you piece of crap, open this damn door!

Voice Box: Voice imprint not known. Access denied.

Robbie: {Banging on the door} Open up!

Voice Box: Intruder, intruder! Activate defense mechanism.

Robbie: {Stops banging} Huh? Defense mechanism?

The voice box sprays Robbie in the eyes with mace.

Robbie: Bloody hell, I'm blind!

Voice Box: Notifying security...notifying security.

Robbie: Shit, I better get out of here!

Robbie stumbles down the steps and runs to the nearest bathroom to wash out his eyes.

Robbie: {Splashing water into his eyes} All I wanted was the stupid Cd. But no... {Screaming towards the bathroom door} I had no idea, I was shopping at fucking Fort Knots! Bloody voice operated doors and shit. {Throws hands up and looks at the ceiling} Damnit, I have to get that Cd...but how? {Thinking} I've got it!

Meanwhile in the break room...

Woman worker:{Talking to herself} Man, these Big K bastards are slave drivers. Why did I ever agree to work in a store open 24 hours?

Loud Speaker: Brenda Clark to the snack-bar immediately...someone's gotten their hand stuck in the slushy machine again.

Woman worker: Son of bitch! Always on my frigging break!

The woman walks out of the room cursing. As the door slams shut behind her, the lights turn off and the laser security system comes on. A few moments later a small rustling sound can be heard coming from the ceiling. A tile sides away to revile Robbie. He's wearing all black and has a red bandana tied around his head. Using purple exercise cords he picked up in the Sporting Goods Department, he slowly lowers himself down into the break room. He's careful not to touch the ground, which will trigger the lasers. Robbie sees the Cd sitting on a nearby table. He starts to gently rock back and forth.

Robbie: {Swinging} Almost there....almost...

Robbie grabs the Cd off the table.

Robbie: Got it!

Just then he hears voices outside the door and he quickly pulls himself back up. He's almost to the top when the door opens and two workers walk in. Robbie is left dangling from the ceiling as the women sit down at a table.

1st Woman: I can't believe some of the freaks that come in here at night!

2nd Woman: Oh I know. Nancy was telling me about this guy who went ape shit over tiger panties tonight. She said he kept throwing underwear all over the floor.

1st Woman: Sick!

2nd Woman: Yeah, like anyone wants to see a freak in tiger underwear.

Both the women start to laugh.

1st Woman: Could you image that? Some loony prancing around in tiger underwear thinking he looks sexy?!?

2nd Woman: Oh, that would be so sad.

1st Woman: Yeah, that poor loser...

2nd Woman: Well, we better get back before someone finds out we left the snack bar.

1st Woman: Yeah, *Laughs* remember the last time we left someone went behind the bar and got their hand stuck in the slushy machine?

2nd Woman: Uh huh, they had to call the paramedics and everything...

1st Woman: C'mon, before some other freak decides he wants a free slushy...

The 2 women leave the room.

Robbie: Bitches!

Robbie pulls himself back up to the ceiling and finds his way back to the women's thongs.

Robbie: Alright, I got your Cd.

Sisqo: Let me see...

Robbie hands Sisqo the Cd.

Sisqo: It's all scratched! And what's this water stain all about?!?

Robbie: Listen, it was the only one I could find and I went through hell to get it!

Sisqo: Well, I guess it'll do.

Robbie: Good. Now, can I have the panties?

Sisqo: Yeah, but first I have to dub you.

Robbie: Dub me?

Sisqo: Uh huh, you have to have an official name. Usually the old Chinese man is here to help me knight you, but, he got his hand caught in the slushy machine again.

Robbie: {Shaking head} What do I have to do?

Sisqo: Well, you put these on...

Sisqo hold up a pair of black tiger panties.

Robbie: {Gasps} They're beautiful.

Sisqo: I know. Here put them on.

Robbie puts on the underwear and knells before Sisqo.

Sisqo: {Grabs a thong from the display} I dub thee Crotching Tiger.

Sisqo hits Robbie on each side of his shoulders with the thong.

Robbie: Holy snickie! These things are great! I can really feel their power. There's a serge of energy pulsing right through my...

Sisqo: {Interrupting Robbie} Whoa there, Tiger! Hidden Dragon wishes not to hear about your pulsating anything. Now, we have to talk about our new super musical group.

Robbie: Musical group?

Sisqo: Yeah, check it out. We're now Crotching Tiger Hidden Dragon. We'll be the best music act since Simon and Garfunkel!

Robbie: Who?

Sisqo: Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel?

Robbie stares at Sisqo blanky.

Sisqo: Forget it. Now, we're going to have to make lots of videos with us in our super panties. Then we can write a few songs about them. You know, I made a song about the panties I'm wearing!

Robbie: You did?

Sisqo: Yup. {Sings} Thong, tha thong thong.

Robbie: {Shudders} Wait, you're telling me you're wearing a thong?!?

Sisqo: {Shakes his ass in Robbie's face} Do you see a panty line?

Robbie: That's sick.

Sisqo: {Shakes his ass some more} Uh oh! The Hidden Dragon wants to be unleashed! Watch out...I'm gonna let him off his leash...

Robbie: Hell no. Keep it on it's leash.

Sisqo: Thong, tha thong thong! {Does pelvic thrust} UNLEASH THE DRAGON!

Robbie: Listen, I never said I was going to be a super group with you. I mean I'm sure some people find silver haired midgets entertaining but I'm a solo act...

Sisqo: {Stops dancing} Whut you talkin bout Willis?!?

Robbie: It's been fun, really, but now I have to go make a controversial video in these babies and watch my Cd sales double.

Robbie walks out of the store wearing nothing but his tiger panties.

Sisqo: Wait, what about our super group?!? Damnit.

Old Man: {Walking up the behind Sisqo} Hey, where's Robbie?

Sisqo: {Shaking his head} He just couldn't take the Dragon...

Old Man: What about your super group?

Sisqo: Looks like I'm still a solo act until Crotching Tiger comes back...

Old Man: Not to sound negative, but every time you mention this Crotching Tiger business people leave.

Sisqo: What are you talkin bout?!?

Old Man: Well, first Dru Hill. Remember what happened when you pitched this Tiger idea with them?

Sisqo: They beat me the crap out of me and then put this silver crap in my hear....

Old Man: That's right, and now Robbie walks out on you.

Sisqo: Bastard...he'll be back.

Old Man: Maybe it's time to rethink this whole idea of yours...

Sisqo: No, I'm the dragon...hidden dragon...hiding in the Thong, tha thong thongs, at um Kmart....and one day I will find my crotching tiger. One day Robbie and I will meet again....Whua hahahahaha!