Introduction
Why? Good Question
Frequently Asked Questions
Now For a Little Skit
The Brilliance of Bob-o
Letters From An American Fan


Parodies
Garianne The Teenybopper
One Man Cover Band
Number One w/the Mullet
Lifestyles of the Narcissistic
OutHouse Magazine
Bob-o Model/Actor
Shrine of Love
Pink Fashion Show
Bob-o the Psychic Swami
Breakfast of Champions


The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
Reviews
Sometimes, He Scares Me
Better Off


Things That Make You Go Hmmm
Teddy Bears Are Evil
My, Aren't We Pretty?
Pleasing Bob-o
Let's Play a Game
Bored? I've Got Your Answer!
I Put the Ass in Assistant


It's Story Time
The Robfather
Trailer TRASH Talk
Christmas w/Martha Stewart
Deep Arse Travel
Crotching Tiger Hidden Dragon


Beginning Of The End
My Ego Trip
Links/Webrings
Link Me
Home




The Robfather

Robfather: {Scratching under his chin} I've called you all here today because I'm not happy.


The Robfather pauses and looks around the table at men who've sworn their loyalty to him. There was Vinnie the Dyke, a tuff talkin' cross-dresser who's clothes were about the scary thing The Robfather had ever seen. Then there was Rugsy who wasn't exactly the brightest candle on the birthday cake. He had a large bald spot which he tried, with little success, to hide by wearing a shoddy looking toupee. However, the only thing the rug actually did was constantly fall in his face. Last, but not least, there was Johnny No Hands. This was The Robfather's right hand man, or at least he was until that terrible shark attack where poor Johnny lost both his hands. It was a sore spot with him, but Johnny didn't let his disability stop him from being one of the most ruthless gangsters in the game.


Rugsy: {Scratching at the rug of hair on his head} But Robfather, business is doin' great! We've got money rollin' in left and right. The city's under our thumbs....well, except for No Hands, ya know, cos he doesn't have any thumbs, so that'd be kinda impossible for him to have the city under them and...


The Robfather gets out a gun and shoots Rugsy in the foot. He falls to the floor grabbing his bloody foot.


Rugsy: Ooowww!

Robfather: Don't you ever question me again, got it?

Rugsy: {Shakes head} Uh huh, I'm sorry Robfather I didn't mean to...

Robfather: {Lays gun on the table} Now that I've cured you of your foot in mouth disease I'll get back to what I was saying. I'm not happy and do you know why I'm not happy?

Vinnie: You need to get laid?

Robfather: Do you want a bullet in that stiletto heel of yours?!?

Vinnie: {Gasps} Oh no, these babies are Gucci, okay, and these would not look good wit no holes.

Robfather: Then shut your trap!

Vinnie: {Rolls eyes} Okay...

Robfather: Geez you guys, can I please finish?!?

Johnny: Go ahead boss.

Robfather: I'm unhappy because someone has been sneaking around taking pictures of me in very scandalous situations and then selling them to the tabloids. It's getting so bad I can't even walk out of my mansion compound without being blinded by frigging flash bulbs. {Cries} I swear it's starting to make my mascara run.

Vinnie: There, there Robfather. It's gonna be okay, okay? What you need to do is try this new waterproof mascara by BedHead. It's to die for...


Johnny grabs the mascara from Vinnie and throws it across the room. Vinnie shoots him a dirty look and starts to file his nails.


Johnny: What do you want us to do, Robfather? Just name it and it's done.

Vinnie: {Laughs} He wants you to clap, okay?

Rugsy: Oh but Vinnie, he can't do that because, you know, the shark ate off his...

Johnny: {Wagging one of his stubs} You heartless bastards!

Robfather: {Looking a Vinnie and then Rugsy} You two, leave Johnny alone. What I want is this person found and brought to me. I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse....


The next morning the Robfather sets out for a morning walk to Starbucks. Once there he picks up his triple cappuccino and then decides to take a look at the selection of jelly donuts from across the street. As he's rooting through the donuts, trying to find a cherry one, he hears footsteps coming up behind him. The Robfather turns his head around to confront the person, his fingers laced with the white powder from the donuts, and that's when it happens. He's blinded by the flash of a camera! The Robfather clutches his chest and stumbles forward.


Robfather: Ooooo! I'm hit! I'm hit!


He falls on the curb as the cameraman takes off running in the other direction. When the Robfather wakes up he's in the hospital. Still groggy, he can hear the people in his room whispering.


Vinnie: {Looking at the newspaper} It's on the front page this time...


Vinnie shows Johnny the front of the paper. There's a picture of the Robfather, his fingers are covered with white powder and small traces of it can also be seen on the front of his black tracksuit. The headline reads, "The Robfather Snorts Again?"


Vinnie: Lies, all lies. It's just friggin' powdered sugar, okay? Are people really dat stupid?

Johnny: Those bastards are gonna pay for this.

Rugsy: How much?

Johnny: How much what?

Rugsy: How much are they gonna have to pay?

Vinnie: {Dabbing eyes with a lace handkerchief} Poor Robfather can't even get no jelly donut witout causin' a scandal.

Johnny: {Looks down} Yeah...he was hit hard this time.

Rugsy: {Gasps} The Robfather was hit?!? What they hit him with? Oh God, I hope it wasn't a bat...

Johnny: Rugsy, just shut up. {Turning to Vinnie} We gotta find who did this before he wakes up.

Vinnie: But, we can't just leave him here alone.

Johnny: We're not gonna leave him here alone. We're gonna leave guards in case whoever did this tries to muscle in while he's weak. And, believe me they will if we don't find them and stop em.


The guys leave the hospital and set out to find the dirty cameraman.


Johnny: Let's pay The Nose a little visit. If anyone knows who's behind this it'll be him.

Vinnie: That nosey bastard...

Rugsy: {Excited} Hey guys! I've gotta idea!

Johnny: {Sighs} What is it Rugsy?

Rugsy: If we wanna find who did this we should call Miss Cleo!

Johnny: Who?

Rugsy: You know, that psychic lady from those commercials? {Talks with a Jamaican accent} "Call me now!"


Vinnie smack Rugsy on the back of the head. His toupee falls to the ground.


Johnny: Let's go.


Meanwhile in a nearby pub...


The Nose: {Waving drink in the air} Damn coppers think they own this town. They think they can boss me around...himp! No one tells The Nose what to do.

Bartender: You're lucky they didn't drag your ass in.

The Nose: {Gulps down rest of drink} Lucky? Luck doesn't have anything to do with it. They know who I am, my connection, who I run with. They'd be insane to think they'd get away with takin' me in.

Bartender: Ok, whatever you say...

The Nose: Just pour me another drink and get out of my face before I get hostile. You won't like me when I'm hostile.

Bartender: {Pouring drink} I don't like you now...

The Nose: What you say?!?


Just then the door to the pub swings open and walks in Johnny and Vinnie. Rugsy comes skipping from behind, his foot wrapped in a big white bandage from the night before.


Rugsy: Wait for me!

Johnny: {Sitting down next to The Nose} Well, look who it is guys. The Nose.

Vinnie: {Also taking a seat} Now, isn't dat a nice surprise? Just the man we was lookin' for.

Rugsy: {Confused} But I thought you guys said you knew he'd be here?

The Nose: The Robfather's boys? What you'll want?

Vinnie: We just wanna chat, okay.

The Nose: Chat? I don't chat {Mocking Vinnie} okaaay.


Vinnie jumps up and pulls out his piece, a pink 9 mm. He shoves it under The Nose's chin.


Vinnie: Now see here Nose, we wants answers, okay, and we wants 'em now.

The Nose: {Frighten} I dunno nothin'.

Johnny: That's not what we hear, Nose...

The Nose: Oh yeah? What you hear then?

Vinnie: We hear you knows who's settin' our boss up. We hear dat you was a part of it.

The Nose: Well, you all need to clean out your ears coz it ain't true.

Vinnie: {Cocking gun} No, I'm thinkin' yous the one who needs his ears cleaned, okay.

Johnny: Why don't you make this easy on yourself and just tell us what we want to know?

The Nose: {Shaking} Ok, fine. I'll give you guys whatever you want. Just don't hurt me.

Rugsy: {Pushing his way in front of Nose} We want Spice World on DVD and don't be jerkin' us around with no bootlegs either. We want the real thing, high quality, surround sound...

Johnny: {Yanking Rugsy back} We wanna know who's been settin' up our boss...who ordered the attack yesterday?


The Nose drinks down another shot and looks suspiciously around the pub.


The Nose: {Lowering his voice to a whisper} Ok, I'll tell you what you wanna know, but not here...it's not safe. Meet me outback of Woollies in 20 minutes. You'll get all your answers there.


The Nose drinks down one more shot, throws a handful of bills on the counter, and walks out the pub. The boys relax and order a round of drinks.


Vinnie: {Batting eyelashes at bartender} Hey there sexy, wanna fix me a Pinklady, okay.

Johnny: Give me a vodka tonic {Looks down at stubs} with a straw...

Rugsy: {Looking hard at the bartender} I want a chocolate milk and make it a double on the chocolate...you got that?


The bartender hands the guys their drinks and walks away.


Vinnie: {Yelling after bartender} What?!? No little umbrella?!?


The boys drink their drinks and wait until they're suppose to meet back up with The Nose. Little do they know that this meeting will never take place...


The Nose: {Talking to himself} Damn those Robfather boys! Thanks to them I've gotta make arrangements to leave town before {Hears a noise} wait, what was that?!?


The Nose squints trying to make out the face of the dark figure that's standing beside the dumpster outback of Woollies.


The Nose: Johnny is that you? Where are the other guys at?

Dark Figure: Nose, you've been thinkin' bout talkin' ?

The Nose: {Startled}It..it..it's you....

Dark Figure: Tsk, tsk, tsk. You've been a very bad boy Nose.

The Nose: No...honest! I wasn't gonna tell. I wasn't!

Dark Figure: Now, hows can I be sure you're tellin' me the truth? Hows can I be sure you'll keep that big trap of yours shut?

The Nose: {Starting to shake} I...I...

Dark Figure: {Moving closer to Nose} There's only one way I can think of....


The Robfather boys wait outside Woollies for The Nose to show, but he's late...


Johnny: Where is that Nosey prick at? I'm sick of all this waiting.

Vinnie: {Laughing} Hey Johnny, it must be hard jackin' off with no hands.

Johnny: Naw, not really Vinnie.

Vinnie: {Surprised} Really?

Johnny: Yeah, I just get your mom to help.

Vinnie: {Getting out gun} Oh no you didn't! Now it's on, okay!

Johnny: {Pushing past Vinnie} Oh just shut up...damnit where is he at?!?

Vinnie: {Claiming down} Well, I'm in no mood tonight. Dat damn bartender forgot my pink umbrella, okay, and you knows how dat just ruffles my feathers.

Johnny: {Looking around} Something's not right here.

Vinnie: Hey, what's that smell?!? It smells like {Sniffs air} ravioli with red sauce...

Johnny: What's the matter with you? How can you even think of food at a time like this?

Rugsy: {Looking up from his handheld game} Ravioli with red sauce? Wow! I'll tell ya, that Woollies sells everything!

Johnny: You ninny, Woollies doesn't sell raviolis.

Vinnie: {Sniffing the air} Yeah, it smells like my mama's ravioli and red sauce!

Johnny: Can't you just be quiet about food....hey, wait. {Sniffs around dumpster} It does smell like raviolis and I think it's coming from inside the dumpster.


Johnny hops inside the dumpster and discovers The Nose's dead body.


Vinnie: {Tapping boot} Well?

Johnny: It's The Nose...

Rugsy: The Nose? What's he doin' hidin' in the dumpster?!?

Johnny: No you dumb fuck, he's not hidin'. He's dead....

Vinnie: {Screams} Oh my God!

Johnny: He's been suffocated by ravioli and red sauce...

Rugsy: At least he got to eat before he, ya know, died.

Vinnie: I told you I smelt ravioli.

Johnny: You know what that means...

Rugsy: All you can eat night at the Olive Garden?

Johnny: The Pasta Brothers.


The Pasta Brothers were a threesome(no you dirty birds not that kind of threesome). They were a threesome of freelance hit-men. They didn't hold alliance to any particular family; they went wherever the money was. There was the leader, eldest brother, Freddie Fettuccine, middle brother Ricky Ravioli, and the youngest, Larry Lasagne. If you wanted someone out of the picture you'd hire the brothers to take of it, but these boys didn't come cheap. Whoever wanted The Robfather out of the picture had to be rollin' in the dough...


The Brothers were relaxing at their hideout, busy counting their weekly earnings.


Freddie: {Looking up from a stack of money} Hey Ricky, nice work on that last hit. It was about time someone wanted that nosey bastard taken out.

Ricky: {With a mouth full of ravioli} Thanks...it was, like, my pleasure, know what I mean?

Freddie: {Counting money again} Yeah, and we got paid a bundle for it.

Larry: {Sitting down at the small table} Hey, where's my cut? I wanna take my girl out to a nice restaurant tonight and I need a cash advance so to speak.


Freddie walks over to his little brother and smacks him hard across the face.


Freddie: There's your cut you ungrateful little shit.

Larry: {Rubbing face} Ooowww, whadya do that for?

Freddie: Don't be tryin' to push me around like yous the muscle of the group. You're the little bro, and you do as I says...understand?

Larry: {Shaking head} Yeah...

Ricky: Hey Freddie, take it easy on him. He's young, doesn't know any better, ya know what I mean?

Freddie: Well, it's about time he learned better.

Larry: Sorry Freddie, honest I am. It won't happen again.

Freddie: Well, you better make sure that it doesn't. {Throws a stack of money at Larry} Here's your cut, now get outta here.


Just then there a loud bang as the door to the Brother's hideout flies open. Johnny, Vinnie, and Rugsy walk into the tiny shack. Vinnie and Rugsy have their guns out and pointed towards the Brothers who are still in shock at the sudden intrusion. Johnny is wearing his special made prosthetic hand gun, which is also pointed in the Brother's direction.


Freddie: Fuckin' hell?!?

Vinnie: {Cocking gun} Dat's exactly what it's gonna be, okay, if we don't be gettin' some answers.

Ricky: Do my eyes deceive me or has someone found our hideout and is demanding answers from us?!?

Johnny: That's right you ravioli retard. You know who our boss is so let's not beat around the bush with details. Tell us who hired you to take out The Nose.

Freddie: Who?

Rugsy: The Nose.

Freddie: Nose, Nose, Nose...nope, doesn't ring any bells.

Johnny: {Pointing his prosthetic hand at Freddie} Don't make me have to use this...


All three Brothers laugh.


Freddie: What you gonna do with that thing? Hit me?


The Brothers laugh again. Johnny wastes no time, he aims his hand at the bowl of raviolis Ricky had been eating earlier. Acrylic nails come shooting out of the fake hand's index finger and pierce the bowl. The Brothers stare in disbelief.


Johnny: {Laughing} Ha ha, you weren't expecting that were you?

Ricky: {Angry} Hey! Those were mine!

Vinnie: {Moving a step forward} Tuff crap.

Ricky: You don't mess with a man's pasta, ya know what I mean?!?

Rugsy: {Scratches toupee} Actually, no I don't understand...

Larry: Well then, understand this....


Larry reaches in his jacket pocket and pulls out a hand full of lasagne. He throws it in Johnny's face. Johnny, blinded by the pasta, stumbles backwards and knocks Vinnie down. Rugsy moves forward to take action but is stopped by his rug, which slips off his head and down over his face blinding him.


Freddie: Now you guys are really gonna pay for barggin' in here uninvited!


Freddie gets out his gun.


Freddie: I hope you guys like fettuccine...


Freddie fires his gun and The Robfather's boys are assaulted with a hearty helping of fettuccine.


Vinnie: Take cover!


Vinnie and Johnny jump behind an old, beaten-up couch.


Johnny: It's a pasta-gun, we're screw!

Vinnie: {Adjusting padding bra} Oh no we're not, okay. Vinnie ain't going out like dat!


Vinnie stands up and fires his gun. Pink glitter sprays out of it and into both Freddie's and Larry's eyes.


Freddie: {Throwing his hands up to his eyes} Ahhh! Get it out, get it out!

Larry: {Rubbing eyes} Oooo! It stings! It really, really stings!

Johnny: {Standing up next to Vinnie} Where's Rugsy at?!?

Rugsy: {Still struggling with his toupee} I'm over here! Man, it's really dark...wait, I'm afraid of the dark!


Rugsy starts to cry.


Johnny: No time for that now, c'mon Vinnie, let's show these pasta bozos who they're dealin' with!


Johnny and Vinnie shower the Brothers with repeated shots of glitter and fingernails.


Ricky: {Pulling a nail out of his butt} They're too strong!

Larry: Whadda we do?!?

Vinnie: {Yelling} Tell us what we wanna know!

Freddie: {Crying} Whatever you want, whatever you want! Just please no more glitter.

Ricky: {Rubbing butt} And no more fingernails!

Johnny: Who hired you to take out The Nose?

Larry: We can't tell you that.

Vinnie: {Waving gun} You don't gots much of a choice, okay.

Freddie: It was....

Larry: No don't! We'll be swimmin' wit the fishes if you do!

Johnny: {Cocking gun} You'll be takin' up permeant resistance at Mr. Wong's Sushi Bar right now if you don't!

Ricky: We gotta tell em.

Freddie: The guy who hired us to take out The Nose was....

Rugsy: {Pulling at the toupee on his face} Please, someone make the light come back...I'm really scared.

Johnny: Damnit! Vinnie, will you get that stupid rug off his face for him?!?


Vinnie walks over to Rugsy and rips the toupee off his face.


Rugsy: Ouch! Oooo, rug-burn, rug-burn!

Johnny: {Turning back to Freddie} Now, as you were sayin'?

Freddie: We were hired by H to take out The Nose.

Vinnie: H?!?

Johnny: You mean that dork from Steps?!?

Rugsy: Oooo! I love Steps!


Rugsy starts to sing.


Rugsy: It's time to begin - now count it in 5,6,7,8!

Johnny: If you don't shut up we're gonna put that rug back over your face!


Rugsy quickly stops singing.


Johnny: {Talking to himself} Why would H wanna take out The Robfather?

Freddie: {Shrugging} I dunno, we don't ask questions.

Vinnie: Well?!? What we waitin' for?!? Lets go find dis H son of a bitch, okay!

Rugsy: Do ya think he'll sign an autograph?

Johnny: {Smacking Rugsy's head} Get movin' you dumbwit.


The boys start their search for H so they can find out exactly what he has up his fruity little poof sleeve.


H: {Dancing around in little circles} Everything is going just as I've planned! Soon The Robfather will be just another washed up has been and revenge will be mine!

Mystery Man: Yes, and then, whua ha ha ha, I'll take back my rightful place back in the Pop industry!

H: {Stops dancing} Huh? Oh yeah, yeah. That too...

Mystery Man: {Twisting his fingers together} I think it's time for another surprise attack.

H: {Starts dancing again} Yeah, and now that The Robfather is weak it'll be so easy you'll only have to explain the plan 4 times to me!

Mystery Man: {Sarcastic} What? Only 4? Not the normal 20?

H: {Stops dancing} Huh? 20? That's a big number...

Mystery Man: {Shaking head} I'll contact you later with the plan and then after tonight victory will be mine!

H: {Confused} Yours?

Mystery Man: Oh, uh, I mean ours of course.

H: {Starting to dance again} Yippee!

Mystery Man: Just make sure your camera's ready, alright?

H: Righty-o!


The Mystery Man walks away leaving H dancing in his own little world.


H: {Starts to sing an "H original"} Tonight's the tonight were things are set right. Tonight's the night when we fight the final fight. The Robfather's gonna be beat and it's gonna be so darn sweet. Then we'll celebrate with an apple cider treat. I'm so happy I can't even feel my feet! {Stops singing} Hey! What was that? Lee? Is that you? You bad boy, you're early...

Johnny: {Stepping out of the shadows} I don't think so you fruity man child.

H: Huh? Who the heck are you? And what are you doing at my dance studio?

Johnny: My name's Johnny No Hands and me and my boys are here at your pathetic dance studio to hurt you...bad.

H: {Confused} Boys?

Johnny: Allow me to introduce you to my boys. This is Vinnie the Dyke...


Vinnie walks out of the darkness and over to where Johnny is.


Johnny: ...and Rugsy.


Rugsy runs towards H with a crumpled piece of paper and pen.


Rugsy: {Gushing} Oh H, I'm a huge fan! Could I have your...


Johnny walks over to Rugsy and pulls him away from H.


Johnny: You'll have to excuse Rugsy. Sometimes his rug cuts off the circulation to his brain.

H: Um, whatever {Makes the "whatever" sign with his hands} you all need to leave before I call the police.

Vinnie: {Laughs} I don't thinks so, okay, you little cream puff.

H: {Gasps} Well, I never!

Johnny: And you never will if you don't give us the answers we're lookin' for.

H: Answers? Oh, well, if this is somekind of test you're not getting any answers from me. Cheaters never prosper...

Vinnie: Is this guy for real?!?

H: Oh yes, hunny, these babies {Shoves chest up} are real unlike your fake mess.

Vinnie: Oh no he didn't! I'm gonna pop dis albino right now, okay!

Johnny: No, not yet Vinnie. We need answers first.

H: I already told you I'm not helping you guys cheat on whatever test you're talking about.

Rugsy: We're taking a test?!? {Gasps} But I didn't have time to study!

Johnny: {Takes a deep breath} There is no test. H, you're gonna tell us why you hired The Pasta Brothers to take out The Nose, and you're gonna tell us right now.

H: Reality check Mr. Freak Show No Hands, I'm not telling you guys anything.


Johnny's face turns bright red.


Vinnie: Uh oh. Nows you done did it...

H: Did what?

Rugsy: Johnny don't like it when people talk about {Nods to Johnny's stubs}...


Johnny uses his two stubs to grab H by the collar of the silver sequenced jacket he's wearing and shakes him.


Johnny: {Screaming} Why did you have The Nose killed?!? What's the connect between you and The Robfather?!?

H: {Shivering with fear} Mum is the word...

Johnny: What?!?

H: He said that mum is the word.

Johnny: Who's he?

H: {Looks down} I dunno.

Johnny: {Raising a stub} I swear if you don't tell me I'll smack you silly with my stub!

Vinnie: Not to bud in, but homeboy's already silly, okay...

Johnny: {Shaking stub at H} Don't matter, all that matters is that it's gonna mess up his pretty little face...

Vinnie: Uh...actually he's not very pretty either...

Johnny: Just shut up Vinnie!

H: {Putting his hands to his face} No, please don't! I'm telling the truth, I dunno who he is. He always wears a mask whenever we meet.

Johnny: {Letting go of H} He wears a mask?

H: Uh huh, it's a white mask thingy that covers his nose and mouth.

Johnny: {Sighing} None of this makes any sense!

H: He was just here today telling me how he was going to contact me with our final plan and he was wearing his mask... {Slaps hand over mouth} Oops!

Johnny: Ohhh, so he's gonna contact you later is he?

H: No...yes.

Johnny: Vinnie, get some rope and tie this little fruitcake up. Looks like we're gonna have to wait for Mr. Mask to call....


An hour or so later the boys are still waiting for the Mystery Man to make contact with the plans to attack The Robfather. They've tied H to a chair and are trying to piece everything together.


Vinnie: {Looking at H} Why you don't like The Robfather?

H: {Stops humming Let's Get Psychical} Huh?

Vinnie: I says, why don't you like The Robfather?

H: {Eyes turning cold} He's not a very nice person...

Johnny: So, you know our boss personally?

H: No, not really.

Johnny: Then why do you say he's not a nice person?

H: Because he's not! He's a big fat meanie head and I hate him!

Vinnie: Yo, simmer down, okay.

H: He says mean things about people....about very nice people.

Johnny: Like who?

H: Like me!

Vinnie: You?!?

H: He thought it was all fun and games making fun of me during his concert entrance.

Johnny: What?

H: {In a loud booming voice} "We're sorry to say Robbie Williams will not be appearing tonight- the good news is H from Steps will be replacing him..." Then everyone laughs, like I'm somekind of joke.

Vinnie: But you are...

H: All I ever wanted was to be able to dance and make blind children happy...

Rugsy: {Wiping a tear away} That's so sad.

Johnny: It's a bunch of shit. >{? Vinnie: Wit dat face it's more like you makes happy children blind...

H: Now The Robfather's paying for being mean to me...they'll all pay in the end!

Vinnie: Dis guy is a loony, okay. He's like one fry short of a Happy Meal...


H starts to hum again. Just then the phone rings.


Johnny: Ok, Rugsy, remember what we said. Pretend like you're H and act really stupid.

Rugsy: Act stupid?

Johnny: Just be yourself.

Rugsy: Oh, alright!


Rugsy picks up the phone.


Rugsy: Hello?

H: I do not answer my phone like that! He's doing it all wrong.


Vinnie shoves a gag in H's mouth.


Mystery Man: H?

Rugsy: Yeah?

Mystery Man: The plan's all set. Now, listen carefully to what you're suppose to do.


The Mystery Man explains the details of the plan to Rugsy.


Mystery Man: Have you got that?

Rugsy: Uh....no. Can you tell me one more time, but a little more slower and without so many big words?

Mystery Man: Oh God...


The Mystery Man explains the plan 3 more times to Rugsy before he finally understands.


Rugsy: Ohhhh, I got it now! You want me to go to the hospital with my camera and take a picture of The Robfather wearing women's underwear?

Mystery Man: Exactly!

Rugsy: But The Robfather doesn't wear women's underwear...at least I don't think he does.

Mystery Man: That's why you're gonna dress him in some and then take the picture.

Rugsy: Oh. Wait, but won't he wake up and call for help?

Mystery Man: That's why you're gonna dress up as a nurse and slip him some sleeping gas.

Rugsy: Oooo! That's a good plan!

Mystery Man: Then after you've gotten the picture taken meet me in the broom closet that's down the hall from The Robfather room. I'll take care of everything else.

Rugsy: Righty-o!


Rugsy hangs up the phone.


Johnny: {Cracking knuckles} Looks like we're headed to the hospital....


Nurse: {Fluffing pillow} You're starting to look a little bit better, now aren't you?

The Robfather: Yeah, a little...

Nurse: Well, if you need anything just buzz me.


The Nurse leaves the room. The Robfather looks around the dimly lit room and wonders how long it's gonna be before there's another attack on him. Just then a nurse walks in the room.


The Robfather: Huh? I didn't buzz for a nurse...

Nurse: I know, Robfather, it me Vinnie, okay.

The Robfather: Vinnie? What's with the outfit and the blonde wig?

Vinnie: We found out who's been takin' pictures of you, and Johnny and Rugsy are takin' care of da chump who's been behind it all, okay.

The Robfather: I don't understand...

Vinnie: See we went to The Nose to finds out who set you up, okay. But, then, he was killed by the Pasta Brothers. So, we paid em a visit at their hideout and found out dat the guy who's been takin' your picture is H from Steps!

The Robfather: H?

Vinnie: Yeah, and let me tell you, he's crazy bitter cuz you made fun of him on your last tour, okay. Anyway, so, now we're tryin' to finds out who hired H to take the pictures.

The Robfather: Someone hired H?

Vinnie: Oh yeah, definitely. There's no way he's smart enough to do dis on his own, okay.

The Robfather: Well, why didn't you just make H tell you who hired him?

Vinnie: We tried dat, okay, but H said dat the man wore a white face mask. From what he described to us it sounds like a doctors mask or somethin'.

The Robfather: {Thinks} Doctor's mask?

Vinnie: Yeah, you knows the kind dat only cover your nose and mouth.

The Robfather: White mask that only covers your nose and mouth... Wait a minute, I think I know who it is!


Mystery Man: H? Is that you? Where's the picture?

Johnny: Right here you scumbag!


Johnny punches the Mystery Man in the face. His white mask falls off. Johnny switches on the over head light and gasps when he finally sees who the Mystery Man is. Johnny quickly gets over the shock and goes to work on the rotten scoundrel who set his boss, his best mate, up.


The next morning everyone's relaxing at The Robfather's house.


Vinnie: You knows I am so glad dat's all over, okay.

Johnny: Me too. I just still can't believe who was behind it all.

The Robfather: {Looking at the newspaper} It's hard to believe, but the Pop industry is a dangerous place. I mean one day you're King of Pop, the next day you're wearing women's underwear and sleeping with...H from Steps.


The Robfather lays down the paper which headline reads "King of Pop Really Queen of Pop?" It has a blown up picture of Michael Jackson wearing a pair of sleazy red lace undies and matching bra. He has a black-eye and is knocked out cold. Laying next to him, sucking his thumb and completely naked is H.


The Robfather: I guess this experience has taught us all a couple of lessons. One- you can't always believe everything you read.

Rugsy: {Scratches toupee} Um, but Robfather, I can't read...

The Robfather: {Patting Rugsy's hand} I know Rugsy, I know.

Vinnie: And lesson two?

The Robfather: Don't fuck with The Robfather and his boys!