Merton - Exeactly Editor
Emerged victorious from power struggle over editorial control of Exeactly. Anyone who disagrees with the previous statement will be sacked immediately without backpay (oh yes, Exepose, we get paid, didn't you know? Yes, we don't do this for fun, we're pros and we do this for a living).
Born in Devon during the reign of Britain's first woman Prime Minister (Lord Rosebury), Merton returned to Exeter having gained PhDs from every other University in England, at age fourteen.
Merton edited The Times for a brief period in the 1970s and has been Mouthwash Quarterly's music reviewer for the past two decades. He is perhaps best known for his failed attempt to assassinate James van der Beek, for which he served three years in a Texan prison, narrowly avoiding execution.
Merton Aspidistra is 108.
Cynaré - Royal Affairs Correspondant
Born in 15th century eastern Europe, to a gypsy who claimed to be a virgin. During his childhood, Cynaré appalled his fellow travellers with his malevolent control over the fouler beasts of nature - rats, wolves and starfish. However, his invention of the 'lucky heather' scheme won him support. Destruction followed the boy wherever he went, and by the age of 76 he had decided that his ambition was to be a priest. His natural atheism hindered him in this, so he relocated to England in the 17th century. Soon afterwards, Cynaré struck up a great and long-lasting friendship with William Shakespeare, whom Cynaré described as "my little Willy". He spent the next 150 years fashioning the world's first Internet out of intricately blown glass and several matches, then the following 180 years out of the public eye, re-training as a doctor, until about 1930 when he became involved with the rising Nazi movement in Germany. He worked with Joseph Mengele in the 1940s, who lambasted him in his unpublished memoirs as "an unfeeling and callous monster". Cynaré has been trying to live down the bad publicity his atrocities caused during World War Two, and has spent another lengthy period outside the public eye, perfecting his Internet. He met Merton Aspidistra in a male whorehouse in Holland in 1967, which the latter both owned and staffed, and the two formed an acquaintance based on mutual avarice.
Joe - News Editor
From the beginning of his working life, Joe Stalin played his own part in
promoting nation-wide success through his celebrated democratic visions -
which led to nothing less than the establishment of a new sense of national
identity or national question, a success which had won him a number of
prominent positions of public office by October 1917. Joe has always
maintained a wide set of interests - from 1922 he was general secretary of
the Party Central Committee, and in this rôle he was personally credited
with organising some of the most memorable bashes of the 1920's. After 1953,
Joe felt that he needed to stretch himself in new ways and his fascination
with writing that had existed since his Democratic Tenets in 1904 gradually
developed into an illustrious career with the Exépose, undertaken with a
view to achieving his dream of one day making the Exeactly team. He wrote
extensively on every topic covered by the Exeposé, which under his positive
contributions came to include everything from the controversial "We want
more money!" to "What's going on in the Lemmy?", "What's going on in the
Ram?" and right up to the exotically further-afield "What's going on in
Arena?" A stunning diversity indeed. Joe's commitment to the cause and
intimidating curriculum vitae made it impossible not to select him as a
valued member of our editorial board here at Exeactly. He lives with his
loving wife Maud and his dog Sparky in Jersey and is 124. He still works for
peace.
Neil - Space Correspondent
Born in 1837, the product of a man’s love, Neil began work as a sheet-metal worker early in his youth and never looked back until he retired aged 3. Hailed as ‘incompetent’ and ‘useless’ by those that he came into contact with, Neil turned to the art of revolution-leading in the hope of being picked out as an ‘historical individual’ by the then-deceased Hegel. On hearing the news of Hegel’s death nearly a century earlier, Neil abandoned his efforts, and moved to the land of the dark infidels where he met Bishop Glomp, who later famously invented walking.
Neil now lives alone in Surrey and regularly contributes articles to publications created purely in the hope of hilariously appearing on “Have I Got News For You?” He joined the Exeactly team in January 1902, and says his main inspiration in life is hatred.
Robin - Field Writer
I am Robin Hood. I have been subverting Society from the inside since your uncle, Greg Was in nappies. And before. My CV is longer Than the horse I rode in on and I fight the Cause of socialism under many guises. I steal The “treasure” from the “rich” and give poor folk A good seeing to. I sing traditional English folk songs in a contemporary style and my favourite Meal is quiche.
