Why It Sucks Being Me
[03.08.03]
Music: Taking Back Sunday "Great Romances of the 20th Century"
Sad but true. It sucks being me. Just how much does it suck, you ask? Quite a bit, friend, quite a bit. Actually, lately life has sucked much less than normal, thanks to Homestar Runner and Jeremy. But I figured my life will probably suck again in time; it always does. Homestar Runner will shut down, Jeremy will leave me... But let's not get pessimistic now. Because at this moment, Homestar Runner is as hilarious as ever, and Jeremy... Jeremy is doing very well. The problem is, everytime something goes this well in my life, it disappears. I get fed all these lies about how I am "the perfect girl" and how "if I ever left them, they would die." I guess they never said anything about them leaving me. But wait, yes they did. "I will never leave you." Liars.
Alright, alright. I have a confession. I am a liar as well. Ah, the Brazilian boy. You know how you always read those stories about how couples meet online, and then one of them turns out to be an insane axe murderer? I wish it had gone that well. But no. I got his screen name by chance, I honestly do not know how. I thought he was a friend of a friend, then found out he wasn't, but we still talked. Don't try this at home, kids. He went to the high school 5 minutes away from mine. He got a membership to the YMCA (oh, the crazy things we do for love) and we started hanging out there. We talked until who knows when. We were "tight." One problem. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I have never been so incredibly not attracted to anyone in my entire life. I'm not saying he was completely fugly or anything, but, in person, I felt absolutely nothing. I felt naseous when we hugged, even worse when we held hands. As shallow as this sounds, he was just a filler until I found someone better. Yes, yes, yes, I am a bad, bad person. I hate myself for what I did. He started telling me he loved me, and... I said it back. God knows why. I felt helpless, like it was my only option. I figured that maybe I could convince myself, trick myself into liking him. No such luck.
Then came the Battle of the Bands. It was at his high school. He would be there. My ex-boyfriend, Paul, who I was still attracted to invited me there, perhaps because he felt sorry for me. I do not know. The moment I got there, I said hi to the Brazilian boy, gave him a side-hug, and went to find anyone else to hang out with. I found a bunch of kids I'd met up with at a show two weeks earlier. They were hanging out with Jeremy. He went to my school. My heart... jumped, skipped, beat for the first time... something like that. But let's just say that he was a little into the show, or something, so we didn't talk right away. We talked a little, but nothing huge. But oh, Paul to the rescue/demise. He came up, talked to me, then very rudely left, to make a short long story even shorter. All my hopes, dead. I sat down next to Jeremy, and tried to tell him indifferently what had happened. I could still leave with my dignity, and hey, maybe it would make me look like I had other options, or something. But no. I had to cry. I tried to hold it in, but now I am so glad I didn't. Jeremy took me out to the somewhat empty lobby, and we sat on the floor by a trophy case and talked. I don't know for how long, all I know is that by the time I left I was completely over Paul. Outside, waiting for my brother to pick me up, we talked and laughed. My brother showed up, Jeremy gave me a hug and a kiss on the forehead, and I left. He called me the next day. Yesterday was our one week anniversary or whatever you will call it. Pardon me while I giggle like a preppy little schoolgirl. Okay.
I am a bad, bad person. I called the Brazilian boy and told him. It was awkward, but honestly, since I had no emotional attachment to him, it wasn't hard. He has since found a replacement in the form of Nikki. It wasn't hard at all.
Everyone is happy now. I'm holding my breath.
