i hate this stupid ol' angelfire blog shit! i want blogger back! that's it...i'm going for it. i'll just make a pretend name and all. nevermind. i don't know. i wrote the previous entry thinking it would be private. but i'm coming to the realization that this isn't private as well and that just means it'll leak one day. there's only one site i know for sure that's private and that's diaryland.com or something. the fact that it has "diary" in it's name is kinda...EEK.

so...i'm tired. life's shitty. i don't know what to do. academically, i'm very scared...for life. man, in november, just months away, i must submit college apps. WTF?! wasn't i just in 2nd grade?? BIG SIGH. but i guess we should take life a day at a time... just let me believe that for now. today i went to the dentist...with my family. the whole lot of it. crazy. we were like a whole vietnamese mob looking out for each other running back and forth between...umm...whatchamacallit, stalls? something like that. my younger brother was supposed to have his teeth pulled out today; i was scared for him. ironically enough, when i thought it was over, i found out they hadn't done it yet. so all that stress that he and i were under, thinking he would have his teeth fuckin' pulled out...was for nothing. oh well, he survived...a cleaning! the more ironic part was that my parents and i promised him (oh, a promise...) that if he made if out of the teeth-pulling without whining or fretting and whatnot, we'd buy him games and all. crazy. and even though he didn't suffer through any removal of teeth, he still got games! another funny thing is that while purchasing his games, my dad was seriously considering something that was $100 vs. something that was only $30. HELLO?! financial crisis...yes. man, what a father, eh? spoiling us and all. WAIT! i didn't get anything. =\ i went to the dentist, too. haha, luckily i'm not the jealous type. i tried to enjoy the games with my brother, but it only gave me a headache. plus, i ate too much junk stuff today. no wonder my teeth are...wait, we're not going into that. hmm...so, a plain sunday? maybe. but i think it was an adventure that i went through today.

so how am i feeling? weird. tired, for sure. but emotionally i feel detached. but in a good way...at times. i wish my parents would let me go out more. they can trust me. i won't do anything BAD. bad. okay, i won't do ANYTHING bad. but...they're who they are and i'm stuck at home, continuously cleaning my room. i feel like i have been cleaning it for centuries but it's never clean. ironically, i'm only 17. BOO-YAH. must find a new home for this blog stuff. sorry angelfire. keep it real.

man, the title is so overdone. "a new me," HA! anyway, i've moved here. this is my temp location. this is what i just wrote literally minutes ago at my old blog site at Blogger: (i had to move because i thought Blogger could make it private...but it didn't. =\)


okay. it's been about a month or so since i wrote. wanna know why? because giving the public the ability to read my thoughts isn't all it's hyped to be. i found that letting my blog be public was for the worst. so i'm finally back...only this time, it's private. i hate all this shit. life IS shitty. i always read other people's journals and whatnot and are irritated when everyone complains about life and how depressed they are. but i agree. and it's annoying. i feel fake when i say life sucks. but it does. i mean, i AM but a teenager, right? NOT FOR LONG! only one year to go. so happy. well...at least in california. oh yeah, by the way, i'm seventeen now. whoop, whoop. so far, it's not all IT'S hyped to be either...neither...um. whatever. so, on with my depression phase: what is the cause of this?i think everything is. but what's come up recently is all this girl trouble. friends? it's a hard word to believe in. hmm...i've never known such girl trouble until recently. i hate it. girls ARE trouble. they're so dramatic. it hurts. i guess i can be dramatic, too. but you see, i don't PMS. well, my friend cyndi says i do. but it's only out of retaliation against her when she does. i don't know if i can live with girls. it'll be hard. so, back to my point, i guess. i have this one..."friend," i suppose, who's really interesting. in a bad way. like a virus. she's contagious and she keeps you coming back for more. but it's crazy. she hurt me so much and i didn't even know it. numerous people have tried to let me in on the truth, and i guess i was blinded by her "friendship".; an awkward one at that. she...SIGH. she can make me the happiest person ever...then, at the strike of the clock, she gets me so irritated and annoyed that i can't help but feel indifferent against being friendly. but i am aware of her weird ways and i have been trying to act towards it. when she tries to befriend me, i back away. and her acts of kindness...i never gave the same kind of acts to her. i guess what i did, truthfully, was push it all away. anything to do with her. but it's hard. 'cause she's just...there. hrmm... i mean, she IS a friend...but more than that. in a bad way at times. we're close...but on a strange paranormal world/level kind of way. people always associate her and i, and always say that we're meant to be and that we have so much in common. i deny, but inside i know it's true. but...it's just that - BUT. there's always a BUT. if such things we're so "meant to be," then why is everything so fucked up? man, all the so-called "miniscule" things aren't really that small. everyone knows it's the little things that matter. ESPECIALLY us ignorant teenagers. hmm... she was always so mean and different to me that it caused me to be the same. and i think that our common traits distracted each other. like how they say opposites attract...noone ever really said that non-opposites didn't attract...but i guess it's simple logic. if opposites attract, then like magnets, similarities don't. (bites lip) i feel so...empty. but full at the same time. i guess it's because i lost faith. i lost hope in a true, as she would call it - "normal," friendship, or as she would call it, "relationship." who knows? who cares, right? i didn't. or i tried not to. but i guess that i did since i gave into her "evil" ways as some may call it. i don't know. is she purposely toying with my emotions? is what most people are telling me true? am i blinded? i didn't think that i, myself, could be blinded. it's like, i know it's true...but i do give in when she tries to befriend me in order to manipulate me. but i'm still confused. i always was. she made my day; but she always managed to take it as well. just like now. ARGH. why did i ever leave you, journal? the fact that i'm making it private is allowing for my thoughts to flow without restraint or censorship. i love it. furthermore, she's not the only reason why i'm in this state of repression (is that the right word to use?). even my so-called friendships are going berserk. being that the friends i'm encountering problems with are girls, i guess i should just say that i'm having girl problems. this sucks. sdlmclkgjioeiorjal;fmwfl;c0joprjyiouhg!! AHH! do i care? at all? it's all so much more and the fact that i haven't written about most of it sucks. i feel like i should go back into the horrible junior year and start writing from there. i don't know. but i did say that i didn't care, right? so if i were to call it a night right now, at this instance...it wouldn't matter, right? PRECISELY. that is why i am saying...goodnight. so, farewell my audience. oh, stupid, it's just me. goodnight. actually, i'm off to continue cleaning my room. now my room, it's another factor of my everlong depression... t's taken me almost a whole month now from when i attempted to begin cleaning my room to now, when i can actually see parts of the floor. sad, isn't it? truly. BAM.

i will be back. no promises, i'm still not good with it. but i will try. i might be moving to a new location...but i know most certainly that i will change the layout. heh, heh, hehhh....