Even though Mike and I broke up more than two months ago, and did not even have that long of a relationship to begin with, (Dating 3 weeks, 2 of which we actually talked. Together 2 weeks before that. Hanging out since a month bfore that. Total= 2 months.) sometimes I'll be lying in bed, listening to the Get Up Kids or some other mopey emo band that makes me cry, when I'll suddenly have a flashback of Mike lying in bed with me, or recall just a random thing he said or did, which leads to more recollections of other things he said or did, like the first time he kissed me after sitting on his couch for 30 minutes as we watched some sci-fi show neither of us cared about, or the greatly exaggerated "English" accent he used to use that sent tingles up my spine. It was so dorky, but at the same time completely adorable. And I'll just sit and think back.. and sigh. This happened with Ian too. Now let me make myself clear. I knew right away that Ian was a jerk and that I had made the wrong decision in hooking up with him. Still, I was obsessed with him because I was obsessed with the wish that he would just be a nice guy. This obsession played in the back of my mind until I became involved with Mike. Now, I can 100% say that Ian does not interest me, and the feeling of not caring for an old crush feels great. However, Ian's position has not disappeared completely. Instead, it has been replaced. I understand completely that nothing will ever happen again with Mike, but still memories of him and the happiness I felt when I was with him plague my mind. I think it's like this: The whole "rebound" boyfriend that girls date after breaking up with someone doesn't make them female players or bitches for trying to make their ex-boyfriends jealous. The reason girls want rebound guys is to help them survive. It helps girls know that there is happiness elsewhere and helps them keep moving and holding onto the thought of love.. Then, the girl and the rebound boy break up, and the girl is left to find another rebound boyfriend whom she'll love until that break up, and keep loving until she can find yet another boy to replace that one. It's all one big cycle, and for the most part, it works pretty well. Girls get to either be in "love" (the butter flies in the stomach feeling that makes even the butchest of girls act girly) or meet a myriad of different men, which in turn helps them decide just what kind of aspects they'd like in their future husbands. The cycle should work great, with only a tad bit of heartbreak between each boyfriend. My cycle, however, has a major flaw. My cycle moves a lot slower than the average. This, in turn, fucks up anything that could possibly be good about the cycle, because in my cycle, each rebound boyfriend takes months- even years- to occur. Therefore, all the time inbetween is spent reliving now-dead moments of the past as my self esteem drops lower and lower over time. Being around other girls whose cycles seem to move faster than mine, or have halted at a high point in the cycle (a long term relationship) makes me even more depressed as the pessimism tha tmy cycle will never even start up again grows. And so, I'm stuck here thinking about the way Mike used to softly stroke my shoulder and the time he played a show with my guitar for me in my bedroom... and how he sang me punk songs even though he hated them... and our kiss teasing which sounds a lot dirtier than it really was... until Gd decides to send me a rebound boyfriend to relieve me of my thoughts of Mike. Of course, the disease won't actually leave my system- It will just disguise itself and strike back a few months later.
