-Lost Love-

Written on May 6, 2003

I never told anyone about this...and i dont want you to think that i want you back. Im happy you found someone who loves u more than i did and i dont mean to come between the two of you. But sometimes you can only talk to one person about certain feelings and it hurts to bottle it all up. Even if u dont care and dont believe the contents,, your eyes moving across the screen means alot to me. Dont hate me for writing this. Hate my heart. After all, who controls your feelings...

noone

Sometimes when u lose someone whom u love so much and dreamt of walking down e aisle with...the world around you seems to be shrouded in a cloak of darkness, hatred and sorrow. The memories kill, the moments re-lived each day torments ur already torn heart. But u know nothing can be done after u have tried till e very last token.life drifts by and happier things come ur way, but the loss will always hold u back...till when i dont know, but it sure is now.

I wish the real him would stand before me and talk to me the way he used to. He never used to scold me this much, insult or hurt me. He was always the one returning the calls and making sure if i was alright and unhurt. Now, when i dont see that anymore, it hurts more than it angers because noone in this world can replace the one i used to know and now he seems to be vanishing. Its something ill just have to get used to. Ill just have to watch him slipping away. Every inch of the slip hurts...but who cares. I know that deep within him, everything is still there but he just hates me so much. I dont know why. I just cant find it...i cant even be his friend...but i respect his feelings, so ill just let it go. Besides, not hearing his voice helps me move on.(this simply comes to show that every aspect of him has an impact on me..but who cares right :( ...)

I dont know if what i think is true. I try to hide the thoughts away because i know its not the way he is. Im sure he loved me on that wednesday, but the conflicting thoughts just wouldnt go away. Is it because i love him? ...or am i just too hurt. He thinks i dont know him and thats why i feel this way..but only i know its not true. Deep down, i feel that i know him better than anyone else in the world. I always felt so close to him, like as if we were long lost friends, simply fated to meet each other and start a new beginning. The simple innocent meeting in a chatroom developed into a romance that changed every thing about my life.The song he sent me "Nobody knows it but me" made me cry and feel his pain when he wanted me and im glad he sent it, cos it meant alot, even till now.

He taught me the true meaning of love. His gentle touch and reassuring words..those true full kisses and carressing hugs were unimgainable. The way i stroked his hair at the beach and the look on his face as i walked out of the shower, i will never forget. I loved him so much that i felt it was only him that i would love and it was only him that could make me feel this way. I felt this way for 8 months, when our love flourished and not a single day did i doubt his love for me...because that was the wonderful guy that he was. Even as i sit before a lifeless screen typing this, i can feel the tears welling up and my stomach turning....now the tears fall.

I tried so hard to get him back. The endless hurtful words i had to bear..the insults and rejections. But all this didnt matter because i loved him. I loved him more when i lost him and this made everything worst. I cried every night...for 55 days (i counted)...as the memories simply wouldnt let go of me. I wished i could die..to end it all because i wanted him so badly. Not because i needed a presence..someone to love me..but because i wanted to love someone whom i cherished so much.

There were many patches and breaks between January and May...but eventually we didnt work out. When he told me the last time that we werent working out...i was too hurt and confused to fight back and try to win. I had tried too much and everything i did simply didnt seem to work. Though i let him go, i cried myself to sleep for the next three nights...the pain so deep, the hurt so real.

Though i have moved on now...im scarred. Though im seeing someone now, i cant bear to be attached and im definitely not ready for it. The wounds havent healed and the memories havent left. I know the memories will never leave. The movie tickets in my box, the moments at the beach, ice cream at swensens, rides in the cabs, conversations over the phone, the bear on my table, and the dolphin on my neck, the playful pinches and hilarious laughs, the never before pool incidents, our funny personal insults of each other...the list goes on...In the depths of my heart, i love him, but im not letting myself do it. I wish i could marry him, thats how much i loved him. He was the one and i knew it since the day i said "yes" on 25th May 02. I wish someone knew how i felt and saved me from this losing battle that im fighting. But noone will and its only me trudging on amidst all this pain. I feel like as if there's no point being with someone else because something tells me that i will never love anyone else the way i loved my first love. But...its time i moved on.

Fate will take me somewhere...and i hope it takes me to the dreams that i once used to have.

Moving on,

Shan, the saddened smurf