The Story - What happened?
Firstly I feel I should jot down what happened in my failed relationship with Rox. This way, everybody can know the facts and decide for themselves wether or not they wish to hate me. *shrugs* Well it all started when Roxanne started having friends... It was just getting to be summer time and she told me she's an outdoor person... I saw that she was outside a lot more, and yes, this got to me a little bit because I didn't get to speak to her quite as much as I had been used to over the past year. But I was okay with it really... just a little afraid of losing her *LOL*. Well... I had noticed that now and then she would say something to me... but later or she'd say something else that made the thing she said before look wrong or suspicious... I didn't acuse her or anything... I just said that sometimes it seems like one thing she says contradicts another thing. I asked her to promise me she never deliberately did that. She promsied. And no more than about 10 minutes later, she said something that contradicted something ELSE she had just said... I WRONGLY accused her of breaking her promise... She didn't deliberately say something that contradicted something else... I guess it just happens a lot with Roxanne, I don't know... But the point is, she didn't MEAN TO... and I accused her of breaking a promise. I was wrong... But she got angry at me and we got into an argument... it got a little heated and I eventually said "fuck off". Yep folks, just like we all say to people every day... "fuck off". And right then and there she went into me... she said she needed some space and that I should leave her alone... I realised that I was wrong about the promise... I asked her back and said I was sorry... I didn't know it at the time (Obviously or I wouldn't have said it), but those 2 words apparently meant a lot to her because of her past (The exact reasons I won't say because it's not my place to do so)... I knew I'd fucked up bad... and I got VERY urgy... I happened to have my blades there (by coincidence). I took one out and I had it ready to use... I was in a very bad state... I told her that I needed her more than I'd ever needed her before, and that I was sorry and that it was just 2 words... and I was wrong for getting angry in the first place... I was more urgy and scared than I'd ever been before... And I told her I had them ready to cut my wrists and I needed her... Does anyone know what reply I got? ... Well... it was "I'm going out for a walk". And she left... Never ONCE had I refused her. Ever. Since I met her in June last year, I was always there whenever she needed me... She knew she could call any time of day whenever she needed to... She could wake up my parents if she needed me. She called me a lot. She was always worrying and saying she didn't want to bug me... Of course I told her "Don't worry about it, if you need me, you KNOW that I'd want you to call me so it's fine". And I helped her. Again. And again... at least 2-3 times a week for the most part she'd call me unexpectedly when she was urgy... And I was fine with it... I'd NEVER let down my Roxy. It's a shame she's not my Roxy anymore... My Roxy is gone... I don't know where she went... but... she's not here anymore. I still remember when Skye was born, her calling me from the hospital... telling me how she wished she could get out of there and wished I could be there in person... And I wished I could be there in person too... I remember after a phone call a nurse told her "I don't know who that was, but he had a calming effect on you!"... *smiles breifly then realises why he's writing this and that he's in the present now* While I was in Canada for the first time, I helped her with her flashbacks she always had of her shithead of an ex... They're very rare now... if she even has them... Anyways... back to the story... I can't remember a lot of what happened the day or so following that night... I remember telling her how disappointed I was that the ONE TIME I REALLY NEEDED her, she left me... I mean, I'd get urgy on the phone... but I'd not call her for help very often... (mostly because I knew she'd help with the urge, and I just wanted to cut). Anyways... she insisted she needed her time... And said that those 2 words I said to her (fuck off) broke her heart into 50 million pieces and that wasn't something that was easily repaired... How the hell was I meant to know what those words meant? If I'd have known, I obviously wouldn't have used them... I told her this... but it made no difference... She then told me other things... She reminded me of times when I sometimes had blades with me on the phone and was going to use them... and when I was dismantling a blade while talking to her... She said that these things really hurt her and made her feel useless... As soon as she said that, I REALISED that it'd had a bad impact on her... It hit me like a ton of bricks... the only time something hit me as much as that was when I walked away form her at the airport on my last visit to Canada... about 10 seconds after I walked away, I felt loneliness crash down on me... Anyways... It hit me how bad it'd hurt her... But as with the "fuck off", HOW WAS I MEANT TO KNOW IF I WASN'T TOLD?! ... They way I'd always seen it was that she got urgy (a lot)... and I got urgy too... I never realised the difference... but there was a difference... I don't remember her ever having blades while actually ON the phone to me... I just wish she'd have told me how it bothered her before all of this... then maybe all of this wouldn't have happened... But then of course there WAS 1 thing I did wrong that I KNEW was wrong. I did sexual things on the cam with somebody else... This was about 1 and a half to 2 months ago I guess... I planned on her never finding out at the time... But of course, I couldn't stand the guilt... I told her. That hurt her a lot... I know... And I promised her it would never happen again... (It had happened a couple of times before, but on the phone). When I promised her it would never happen again, she knew I meant it... I don't make promises that I don't keep. But I know it was screwy, I know it was wrong, I know it made her feel inadequate... But it wasn't real sex... I was just sharing my body with someone over the net... NOT REAL SEX. Over the past 3 weeks, (3 weeks today since that night I believe) I'd called her, tried to fix things... Nothing mattered... she was closed off... uncaring... didn't know if she still loved me... I remember a few nights into all this I was on the phone to her and I was crying like I'd never cried before... we're talking 45 minutes not being able to stop... at all... rocking back and forwards and shaking... I'd never been in such a state... she was calm... She knew I was hurting like never before... she was calm and just talking like it was any other day... She wouldn't talk to me about the situation... she was totally closed off and acting like it wouldn't matter if I was dead or alive... But at least that time she tried to comfort me and was like "Heyyyyy Davey, it's okay... shhhh"... But she didn't talk about things, and she wouldn't agree to try to work on things... She needed her space... I had trouble giving her her space over the next week or so... I spoke to her less... but I would always contact her every day / every other day... She was hardly ever online... Always doing things with "FRIENDS"... You'll see why I use capitals for that word later... Anyways... I would always be crying... Couldn't get any work done... wouldn't eat... I just wanted to fix things... I asked her what made her upset in our relationship and I got a few answers... but she wouldn't go in depth... She said my music was a problem in the way that I always said my music came first... above her, above anyone else, above everyTHING else... She wanted to be first... I told her she was now first... And I offered to move to Canada as soon as I had the money... which would be within the month... (That was another thing... being so far away...) I told her I'd move over to be with her and that I could wait a while before I got a new piano... But she said she "wasn't ready for me to visit again"... As for the SI, I told her I threw out all my blades... and I did... I threw them all out and took everything I had to be strong for her to show her that I could stay SI free in the hardest time of my life... because it was HER that was at stake... But no... There was always something... And I never understood what it was until a few days ago... Time went on... I put more into trying to fix that relationship and make Roxanne happy again than I'd ever put into ANYTHING else in my LIFE. And these 3 weeks have been without a doubt the worst weeks of my life... I'm not saying she's not hurting... I know I hurt her... But apart from a little messing around on the net, I didn't know anything about it. It was literally Thursday "Good morning my love :) I have to take Skye to the doctors today so I won't be on until about 6ish your time... I miss you soooooo much... Love you loads and loads, Rox" and Saturday it was more like "I need space... give me time... I can't fix it right now..." ... I knew that things didn't add up... Over these past 2 weeks she got even more closed off... She thought it better if we were friends... (LOL... it just hits me RIGHT NOW WHYYYYYY she wanted me to be a friend)... I said I'd try for her and be whatever she needed... And I did try... When I did speak to her she was still closed off and would tell me even less... When I would tell her I loved her, it got to the point where I could tell it meant absolutely NOTHING to her anymore... that's when I was like "okay... this really IS fucked up... what's going on?..." ... Of course she just told me that she had barriers up and couldn't talk about things... It went on like this... All of the time me trying so HARD to forget her walking away when I had a razor to my wrist... because I loved her... I still DO love her... they always say you hurt the ones you love, right?... But I need to hurt her right now... She didn't care ONE BIT how much she was hurting me over these past few weeks... not ONCE did she show an ounce of concern for MY feelings, MY thoughts... And a week or so form this time she'd loved me more than anything and would still promise me she'd never leave me... Never take my little Skye away from me... I remember when I was last in Canada we had to take Skye to hospital... we were both there all night... she was sooooooo greatful I was there to hold her together and so on... It was a long night... When we signed into the hospital, the nurse asked Roxanne if I was the father... She looked at me, smiled and said "He's the stepfather, yes"... I smiled so much... But that of course, meant nothing to her anymore... not NOW... Nothing about ME mattered to her anymore... if I was dead, she'd be glad to have me stop hassling her... Do you blame me for feeling used? I was there for her throughout her pregnancy... Supposedly the night I met her last June, she had plans to walk under a truck, and it was me that stopped her... Apparently if I wasn't there that night, neither would she and Skye be... Or was THAT just a lie to get me to stay with her too? Not to mention of course, her claims that the night she met me she said she "knew I'd be the one to have her heart"... I even remember back when she started her relationship with me... I said "I'm scared one day I'll end up like Sam... you'll find someone better and leave me" and of course she told me "You're nothing like him... You're special, I love you and I'd never want to be with ANYONE else EVER"... and she stuck with that for all this time... up until that Friday night of course... I feel used to help her throughout her pregnancy... used during her first months of mothering, when she was urgy, to get over her abusive ex, through her SAD (Depression due to lack of sunlight in the winter), and not to mention used SEXUALLY... I let her take my virginity... Yes, it was a joint decision, and yes, I was happy about it... but I thought she loved me more than she obviously did... If she loved me as much as she'd always claimed, one night would NOT have ruined everything... The truth is, I WAS THERE AND SHE WANTED SOMEONE. I don't regret it, because I always said I'd be happy as long as it was with someone I loved... And I had that... I just wish it didn't have to be like this... I wish I'd knew HER love for ME wasn't as strong as I was lead to believe... This is getting too long... I'll cut to a few nights ago...
Well... What to say... *sigh*... I was angry at her by now, I'd been through hell and back, and she would NOT give me any answers... I told her things weren't adding up... She never answered the phone... I emailed her multiple times in the space of 15 minutes or so, saying I wanted to speak to her, and that she owed me answers because there are things I didn't know and needed to know... She got online and kindly talked a little bit about things... She told me that I'd been hurting her for a long time but the "fuck off" was enough to make her stand up for her feelings... (Of course, if I knew something was wrong in the FIRST place, there wouldn't have been anything to stand up for...) I asked her why those 2 words meant enough to hurt her as much as she claimed... I mean, her dad, brother and sister say it to roxanne all the time, she says it BACK!... her excuse was "They don't fuck me though". Oh... I see... okay... it's stupid, but I understand it at least... UNDERSTANDING SOMETHING... YAY... THERE'S AN IMPROVEMENT! She also told me that the cutting made her feel manipulated... controlled... And that made a lot of sense... But I mean, all the times she called me... I told her it was okay... you think I DIDN'T feel like that a little, you think it didn't bug me just a litttttle bit? Of COURSE it did... She was ALWAYS urgy... but I would always put up with it... And still would now and forever more if she ever decides she needs someone... But of course I didn't tell her it annoyed me... most of the time it wouldn't... but now and then, of course... And I thank her for having the courage to talk to me and let me know at last... after being "scared of talking to me" for so long... But of course I know the REAL reason she hadn't been feeling like she could talk to me... THAT was the NEXT explanation... I asked about what "friend" she'd stayed the night over... She'd told me the night before that she was staying at a friend's house... In fact, she'd been doing a LOT with "friends" for a good month now... I wonder how many "FRIENDS" there ACTUALLY are... I asked her if it was a male friend... It was... It was the guy I was scared of losing her to... that she told me "He's creepy I wouldn't do anything with him... I'm only being his friend because he's a friend of the family"... It turns out she stayed the night with this man... IT TURNS OUT THEY'VE HAD A RELATIONSHIP FOR OVER 2 WEEKS. Yes, a few days after we had that bad night, she started a different relationship... Now can people see how I feel used and lead to believe she loved me more than she did? And it's been sexual for about a week now... Me and Roxanne hadn't even finished talking about things... and she was fucking another guy... And I only found out about all this a few days ago... (It was about 3 days ago she told me and at the time she claimed it had been sexual for 2 days)... I can't stop thinking about what they're doing... that so soon into all this Roxanne is fucking someone else and "falling for him"... If Roxanne had loved me as much as she claimed, she would not be ready for ANY other relationship right now... let alone ready for sex when I was still trying to do my best to make things work out okay for us all... She used to call Her, Skye and me her little family... And I was happy with that... and she had a fight with me and I didn't know I was doing anything wrong all this time... and she just leaves me and starts a new relationship practically STRAIGHT AWAY?! ... She just wants someone closer... She didn't love me like she said... I'm angry... She said saying "fuck off" made her stand up for her feelings... Well, you know what? NOW, I'M STANDING UP FOR MINE! I told her I was almost angry enough at her to post these videos... and do you know what her reply was? "IF YOU SHOW THOSE TO ANYONE YOU'LL GET A VIDEO OF ME BLEEDING" ... Do you see where I'm going? ... SHE had told me that the main reason for our break-up was feeling like I was controlling her by my cutting... And what has she done by saying this?! That is the ULTIMATE in using SI as a weapon... at least I never WANTED OR INTENDED to maniplate her. It was her saying those words that made me make up my mind to do this. You're selfish Roxanne. I will always love you and will always be there for you, call it a flaw, but you're selfish and uncaring and have been more hurtful than anything I have ever witnessed in my lifetime. That's why I'm doing this... Because I'm mad... Because I want to deliberately hurt you back... This won't hurt you as much as you've hurt me... But I'm sure it'll go at least a good half way towards it... You can hate me as much as you want, but remember, if I wanted to, I could DESTROY you... You forwarded me an email from Fred a long time ago... I have his email address... But of course, I'm not a monster, and I DO love you... I would NEVER do anything like that and would never do anything that would compromise you and Skye's safety... Just remember that with everything I have, and everything I know, it would be so easy to destory your mind... but I wouldn't. I love you... But saying that, I truly hope you suffer like you've made me suffer... You won't... but I hope you do. And you can tell your new lover-boy how much I've hurt you and what I've done... but I'm sure you won't show him this page so he can see what happened... And if you do, I hope he realises that you'll always only truly care about yourself and Skye, and nobody else will EVER truly matter to you... You will only ever love someone for as long as it suits you. Just like he was there so you took him... JUST because he was there and I was here in England... And if you loved me, you would NOT have done that... You would not have felt like you could START another relationship... I know I sure as hell don't. And if you want my opinion, you're insane leaving Skye alone with him in his house like you do... That really concerns me... Nothing better happen to my little Skye...
THE FILES THAT WERE HERE HAVE BEEN DELETED. THIS PAGE WOULD ALSO BE DELETED, HOWEVER IT TAKES TOO MUCH HASSLE AND IT CANNOT BE DELETED EASILY... IT CAN SERVE AS AN EXPLANATION TO ANYBODY WHO KNOWS ME AND WISHES TO KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME.
