First, let me get my venting out of the way: did anyone else draft a keeper running back who smokes more weed than Damon Stoudamire and Cypress Hill combined, gets knifed in the back more than Monica Seles and, best of all, sucks even when he does play? I didn’t think so. Also, let’s reminisce about me drafting Steve Smith (obviously foreseeing the breakout season he was about to have)…and then let’s reflect upon me dropping him for Jabar Gaffney in week 5. That’s what you call pushing the panic button and having it blow up in your face. Good times.

Alright, on to the matchups. These playoffs should truly be wide open, shockingly enough, after it appeared that it was a 2 or 3 team race for the first half of the season.

1ST ROUND

#5 Air Wolves vs. #4 Ultimate Driving Machine-
You got to hand it to the Air Wolves this year. Read that last sentence again. For the 2nd consecutive league the Lawdawgs managed to botch a draft day trade and watch his team seriously underachieve (think KMG missed Vlad much on his way to the baseball title?). This time he put all of his faith in Ricky “3.4 yards per carry” Williams while dropping a Deuce and a Freak in the lap of the Wolves. You know the rest. Thanks to that shrewd move the Wolves are coming into the playoffs #2 overall in points and the ‘Dawgs limp into the playoffs fresh off a whipping from yours truly (ouch).

Let’s not give the Wolves too much credit though. After receiving multiple offers from TJ Duckett’s owner after Warrick Dunn went by the wayside, the Wolves pulled the trigger on a similar deal for Eddie George. Yuck. Wolves will be Wolves. Hey Wolves, how’d you like Eddie shredding the worst run D in the league on Monday for a whopping 7.5 points Monday while Duckett dropped another ho-hum 12 points. No, I’m not bitter…

Look for a resurgent Edgerrin and the workhorse Jamal Lewis to do their thing despite going against some decent run defenses for UDM. Meanwhile, the Deuce will have trouble eluding Brooks and the Bucs D and the streaky Moss and Rod Smith won’t get it done from the WR spot.

Prediction:  Ultimate Driving Machine 91.0, Air Wolves 78.5

#8 Lawdawgs vs. #1 Tecmo Bowl Junkies-
You’d have to call the Lawdawgs the biggest flop this side of the Oakland Raiders this year. You’re telling me LT and Ricky Williams can only get you 6-7 in this league? Apparently so. Maybe next time he’ll show up at the draft instead of letting KMG (he of Kurt Warner keeper status) draft his squad. Meanwhile, the commish gets my vote for manager of the year. The guy started the season with Stacey Mack and Trung Canidate as his RB’s and somehow stands at 12-1 and the #1 seed in the playoffs. Some of the trades he pulled off this year turned out to be rape-jobs that would make Kobe proud.

Do the ‘Dawgs stand a chance in this one? In a word, no. The commish will get a balanced attack from his squad, led by the Dolphins opportunistic D, Tiki going off for about 160 total yards against a suspect Skins D and Fraud Taylor running all over the Texans. The Dawgs have Jerry Rice at WR, with Rick Mirer throwing passes to him. ‘Nuff said.

Prediction: Tecmo Bowl Junkies 111.5, Lawdawgs 94.5

#6 Dainty Weaklings vs. #3 Born to Lose-
I expect this to be a barnburner and a nail-biter. Dainty is a sleeper in any league, and he assembled the most underrated set of WR’s in the league this year, led by Santana Moss and McCardell. BTL is the two time defending champ and has firepower in the form of Holmes (league MVP), Bulger and Holt. How about this for a plot twist: Garrison Hearst is unavailable for BTL this week, anyone wish they saw Velevis’ face when he realized that Barlow will now be going against him this week? Talk about adding insult to injury. Dainty seems primed for the upset.

I see Holt and Bulger hooking up more than Paris Hilton on their way to stomping the Browns this weekend however. Barlow is the X-factor, if he goes off for Joe White’s squad then he is sitting pretty. Just seems too good to be true (after all, he’s no TJ Duckett).

Prediction: Born to Lose 115.5, Dainty Weaklings 114.5 (game of the week)

#7 Cellar Dwellars vs. #2 Team Guinness-
The Dwellars seemed primed to coast to the title this year, with a killer pair or running backs and an impressive wide receiver corps. QB has been a weakness for him all year however (you know Ramsey couldn’t keep that pace after a blistering start). Guinness has had an impressive draft (Stephen Davis), impressive pickups (Domanick Davis) and primed himself for the playoffs with the acquisitions of Chad Johnson and the Bucs D. Lots of balance on this squad.

Look for the rookie from Texas to continue his strong play this weekend with over 100 yards and a walk into the end zone. Chad Johnson will be fired up for another big showdown with playoff implications, and Hasselbeck is playing better than any QB in the league right now. The Dwellars are rumored to have been lacking confidence going into the playoffs, and rightly so. I don’t see Glenn doing much against a healthy Eagles D (and you can’t tell me Porter is a better option due to something called Rick Mirer throwing wounded ducks to him), and isn’t Clinton Portis due to get hurt again?

Prediction: Team Guinness 107, Cellar Dwellars 100.5

SEMIFINALS

#4 Ultimate Driving Machine vs. #1 Tecmo Bowl Junkies-
By the way, what the hell is Russ thinking? First he trades one of the best keepers in the league for a pair of good but not great receivers (in an attempt to win this year). Then unloads the top TE and one of the best defenses in the league to the commish right before the playoffs? He can’t seem to make up his mind if he’s a contender or not.

It seems like Edge will be due for an injury setback right about now. Look for disappointment from Edge against the weak Atlanta D. Rod Gardner will do nothing against the Cowboys #1 pass D and Chambers not much better against Philly. The commish can ride Trent Greens’ arm against the nonexistent Lions D. Green throwing to Gonzalez will be insult to injury for Russ. Time to start thinking about hoops Russ, Camby and Grant Hill are available!

Prediction:  Tecmo Bowl Junkies 123.5, Ultimate Driving Machine 87.5

#3 Born to Lose vs. #2 Team Guinness-
Will the impressive rookies of Guinness be enough to oust the defending champs? Does Matt Hasselbeck have a full head of hair?

The answers to both are a resounding, HELL NO. The hairless QB will get his but Guinness will find himself with a conflict of interest with Domanick Davis going against his own Tampa Bay D. Not the scenario you want in the final 4. Bulger will match Hasselbeck in a Seahawks/Rams shootout, and the Titans may damn well shut out the struggling Bills for Velevis.

The difference? Tell the Lions to watch out for their cornholes, because Priest Holmes will have ‘em grabbing their ankles, and I ain’t talking about the pre-game stretch…

Prediction: Born To Lose 132.5, Team Guinness 78.5

VIAGRA BOWL

#3 Born to Lose vs. #1 Tecmo Bowl Junkies-
Yes, that’s right, the Viagra Bowl, because the commish has been pitching a tent over this one for months. Two time defending champ versus the regular season champ.

First of all, this isn’t gonna be some pussy, first one to 60 points wins, final like happened last year between BTL and the Dwellars. I expect some serious numbers to be thrown up in this one. The receivers will be held in check for the commish due to tough matchups against the 1st and 2nd ranked pass defenses in the league for Toomer and Harrison respectively. Look for the Bills anemic offense to again be a factor as the ‘Phins will be big point scorers again for the Junkies. The running backs will also come up large with Taylor running all over a particularly weak Saints run D. Born to Lose will also put up some major points, particularly from the likes of Holt and Horn with favorable matchups. However, the running backs will be the key. The lack of a quality 2nd back will finally catch up with BTL as Hearst/Faulk won’t get it done. As for Priest, expect the Chiefs to be 13-1 at this point and thinking only about keeping their stud ready for the playoffs (Vermeil has already said as much). He’ll get his, but only in 3 quarters of play. Time for a new champ to be crowned…

Prediction: Tecmo Bowl Junkies 139.5, Born to Lose 126.5

Of course, in the words of The Dude, this is just like, my opinion, man. Good luck to the playoff teams!