Message in a bottle
To My Dearest Buttercup,
This letter is like mission impossible. It will get to you at some point, I guess, but then again maybe never. The worst part is I will never hear back from you. I know this message will in itself probably self destruct after it is read. And I know it is a long letter so nature tells you to ignore it. But hey, its up to you to take the time to read it and see the wisdom, if there is any here, I have gained since that fateful day in 1999. In short that is the whole point of this letter, and to express how sorry I am at how things were left. I was never able to give you the goodbye I hoped. I never knew you were leaving until you were gone. And despite the bull shit, the words, the anger, and everything that has happened to the both of us, especially these past years, I still hold you close to my heart as the greatest things that has ever happened to me. You can sneer, you can swear, but I would still like to say my piece. And I know deep down, regardless of the outcome, I was important to you as well.
I think we both are sad it ended. There is some postitive results, I guess: You got to the United States as you dreamed, your career is on track and you're doing well ( I can only imagine), you learnt about yourself by living on your own (I hope), and most importantly I wish deeply, and wholly, that you have married the guy of your dreams. I mean that sincerely.
....Regardless of how this letter is taken, I have warm memories of you, that I will hold until I die. The U2 concert, that first hug outside Dunkin' Donuts (no longer there), the night underneath the stars, walking with you by the water, sitting on that park bench, you know the one. Regradless of how you think of me now, I hold no grudge and wish you every success and every wish to come true. I have just not been able to tell you, until now....finally....to find the strength and the words.
I blame myself for all that happened. I have no illusions. I brought us to our end. I loved you no matter what you ever thought or still think. I was young and fearful of honesty, as stupid as it sounds, but I was always sincere. All I ever wanted to do was make your dreams come true. I wanted to do this so badly, I ignored my own reality and my own fears. I wanted so much to have kids with you and start a family. But as the pressure moutned and under the condtions that were, I found the way to finally speak the truth. Okay maybe it was not the right time, but the timeline and pressure exerted on us to get married by 21 or 22, were so great, I still see it as being foolhardy. I hope now you can see how premature this talk was, even if not I know your views, but surely all feelings have value, and these are mine. And in the end, maybe I was wrong and it was meant to be that you and I shall never be....just like our song....
The thing that saddens me the most is that I lost your friendship. More than anything, your friendship, even before we dated, was by far the best and greatest friendship I ever had and proably ever will. You have set a standard no one will (or can) ever reach. Even your level of love when we dated, even to the end, was so intense and passionate, that you have left a large hole in my life and in my heart. It is like a giganitc crater which I fear I will forever walk the earth trying to fill.
It doesn't really matter though. Four years have passed and that fictional "skinny blonde" you thought would eventually take your place has not come. As a matter of fact I have not been able to move on so well, even now, that I am finally dating again. But to be dating again one must have dates. And those have been few and far between. I don't know how you are these days, a strange thought when you think of all the time we spent together. But I know you are strong and I am sure you are doing well. And I am sure, if not already, when you sip your camomille tea, as your belly hurts, you find yourself somedays asking what if about us...I know I do that alot. I see your smile in my dreams, your laughter in my heart and your soft touch in the dark....and if you only heard the tears I have shed.....
In the end, the truth is "sorry" will never be a good enough word. I will forever be saddened that I never got to say goodbye, that I never got to say sorry and that we never got a conclusion that was satisfactory. Most of all I am sorry that this is the way you get my words. I can only hope one day you will read these words, and in the end forgive me, accept me, and maybe once again become the friend I lost so long ago, if not in person, at least in your heart........
Forever your Dodo
