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2003-06-28--8:50 p.m. Sometimes I, don't know what's the point of even talking to some of the people that I, do. I, mean I'm beginning to take notice that it's futile for me to do anything in any sort of aspect to help them ... help themselves. You can talk, listen, console, motivate, guide them, but unless they are willing to do all of those things for themselves nothing you do will ever be suffice. I, mean really why help them? I'm so sick of seeing the same thing happen over and over again. Weak .. Weak individuals. Yes, I, am aware that each of us have our own strengths and weakness but letting yourself down by continuing on the same path that only keeps you in a rut is sheer weakness. I, have no reason to hold people by the hand and say "Okay, go here, do this.. read this, look into this" there is no point anymore. We can all only give each other tools the other lacks, but why someone won't take the tools when all they do is whine about it. So upon all the whining you decide "Hey, well I, can help you." Because I, know there are parts of myself that lack in so many areas and I, have really good people around me to say "Look I, have that strength, let me help you." Do I, reach out.. hell ya I, do. If I, whine about it and someone has the resources to help me become a better person you can bet everything you hold dear that I'm going to take it and take it with a tight grip. I, want to become a better person. I, want people to see all the great parts of me not just those that have been wounded and angered. I, want people to see that I, can help them just like others have helped me. But, you have to be willing to listen and to try to help yourself .. after all a tool is just the stepping stone not the solution. I, have been blessed with people that really do see me for me and are willing to help me bring those softer parts of me out. I, took it because I, knew that part of me was aching to get out from under all this hardness I, had built around myself. So I, have others around me who I, know I, could help if they just really put forth the commitment and energy. But, so few do .. actually if I, really sit back and think about it there have only been 4 who have actually let me help them. And I, must say the way they helped me I, helped them back. And what a beautiful cycle that is .. it's definitely better than a sick and twisted one. I, don't need negative people around me, and people who will bring my spirits down by sickness in their hearts. I, punished myself enough by being that way for such a long period of time. I, will not allow others to bring that into my life at all. That is not even up for discussion. I, will cut them off and not look back. I, have already done it with a friend of 7 years .. and I, have not looked back and now it's been 2 years. So what makes people think that if I've known you for 3 months, 1 year, 4 years .. whatever the case may be that I, will not just say "C-ya" and walk off? I'm not kidding I, will do it if I, feel I'm beginning to feel bogged down by constant bullshit. I, am better than this and I, deserve to have friends who can help themselves rather than need me for a quick pick me up. I, am not your parent, I, am not your sitter, I, am not your guide, I, am not your teacher, I, am not your helper. I, want to be your friend and friend only but a friend does not mean that I, should become a crutch for your self-image, self-worth, self-confidence, or self-respect. I, can provide all this for myself on my own .. why shouldn't I, expect a friend of mine to provide this for themselves? I, think I, have that right this way the weight of the relationship does not become that of a needy person. I, can say I, am liked, loved, misunderstood and even disliked. Why? Because I, am true to who I, am. I, don't conform myself to anyone's standards and I, never will. People are drawn to those who are true to themselves. I, have made many HUGE mistakes in my life, I, will always make mistakes and I'm sure big ones at that. But, overall I, can say what will cause me to make those mistakes are my own beliefs, values and thoughts and no one else's. I, will always be true to what I, believe in and I, believe in myself. Mel*
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