Top 20 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer 1. Defensive programming? Never! Klingon programs are always on the offense. Yes, offensive programming is what we do best. 2. Specifications are for the weak and timid! 3. This machine is GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code! 4. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon. 5. Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! 6. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake. 7. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. 8. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. Bugs are good for building character in the user. 9. I have challenged the entire ISO-9000 quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest on the holodeck. They will not concern us again. 10. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code! 11. By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die! 12. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! 13. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are! 14. Our competitors are without honor! 15. Python? That is for children. A Klingon Warrior uses only machine code, keyed in on the front panel switches in raw binary. 16. Klingon programs don't do accountancy. For that, you need a Ferengi. 17. Klingon multitasking systems do not support "time-sharing". When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the scheduler in hand-to-hand combat and owns the machine. 18. Perhaps it IS a good day to die! I say we ship it! 19. My program has just dumped Stova Core! 20. Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived! 10 Step Guide for the do-it-yourselfer 1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver. 2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. 3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid. 4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can...many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. 5. If it's electronic, get a new one...or consult a twelve year old. 6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch or just paint over it. 7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it. 8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help. 9. If something looks level, it is level. 10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Top 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk 15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress." 7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 6. "The coffee machine is broken.." 5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands." ..and the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1. "Amen" Why men can't win - If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. - If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. - If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. - If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your tail and find something better. - If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. -- If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. - If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. - If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. - If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. - If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. - If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you don't care about her needs. - If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic - If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. - If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. - If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious enough. - If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. - If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else. You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When... - You ski uphill. - You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. - You speed walk in your sleep. - You answer the door before people knock. - Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you. - You have a bumper sticker that reads: Coffee drinkers are good in the sack. - You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. - You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. - You sleep with your eyes open. - You have to watch videos in fast-forward. - The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. - You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. - You lick your coffee pot clean. - You spend your vacations visiting "Maxwell House" - You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there. - You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. - You chew on other people's fingernails. - Cocaine is a downer. - The Nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. - All your kids are named "Joe" - Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low" - You buy 1/2 and 1/2 by the barrel. - Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. - You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. - You can jump-start your car without cables. - You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. - You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. - You don't sweat, you percolate. - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. - You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. - Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. - Instant coffee takes too long. - People get dizzy just watching you. - When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup." - The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. - Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. - You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. - People can test their batteries in your ears. - Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. - You channel surf faster without a remote. - When someone asks, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." - You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can. - Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. - You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. - You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. - You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. - You named your cats "Cream" and "Sugar" - Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. - You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. - You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. - Your 3 favorite things in life are: coffee before, coffee during and coffee after. - You can't even remember your second cup. - You help your dog chase its tail. - You get drunk just so you can sober up. - You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. - Your Thermos is on wheels. - Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. - You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. - You introduce your spouse as your "CoffeeMate" - Your first-aid kit contains 2-pints of coffee with an I-V hookup. - You help your dog chase its tail. - You can outlast the Energizer bunny. - You short out motion detectors. - You have a conniption over spilled milk. - You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. - Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. - You don't tan, you roast. - You don't get mad, you get steamed. - Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. - You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." Hu's on First (We take you now to the Oval Office. Condoleezza Rice just entered.) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. 8) Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 9) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 10) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 11) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 12) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges, Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour short drink, Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot, Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 13) Call fire department to retrieve the freaking cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 14) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 15) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 16) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.