The Best Pie In The World
We were sitting in a cafe one day. To combat hunger we decided to order some apple pie, which looked nice in the photo. When it was brought out we looked at it in disgust. It was a little tiny piece. When we took a bite we spat it out in disgust, looking at each other.
"If only we had some proper pie, good pie," I said.
"We need to go to America into a little cafe with crappy coffee and pie and tell them this." Eartha replied.
That is how we ended up on a jet to America.
"I'm watching an in-flight movie," I say excitedly.
"Bring it on is being played and I'm singing along to the cheerleader chants," Eartha replies.
"I draw the line at cheerleader chants, Eartha," I say.
"Ok then. I am finishing my bag of peanuts you apparently get and trying to steal your without you noticing."
"I notice!" I cry. I march down the aisle demanding another bag of peanuts. Eartha is sitting on her seat laughing her head off as security drags me in the back compartment for disorderly behaviour. She then eats my peanuts. Meanwhile I get my screwdriver out of my nappy like Tommy does and break my way out, proceeding to the kitchen to steal a bag of peanuts. Eartha sees me arrive at the kitchen only to discover she has beaten me to it and have taken all the peanuts on the plane. While I start to look for something else Eartha pulls down my pants and exposes my bum to the passengers. I cry and scream and pull my gun out. It has a little red cap on the top. I pull the trigger at point blank range. There is no way it could miss...
Eartha calls a meeting and she and the other passengers decide that I am a psychopath trying to kill her with a capgun and vote to throw me off the plane. I sabotage the meeting and grab you by force, stealing all the peanuts in your pocket and shoving them into my mouth. Its only then that I realise that I was dreaming and wake up to find my best friend Eartha sitting next to me, kindly holding out the peanuts she had saved for me, being the kind person that she is. We arrive at our destination and get off the plane. The sight of the Sydney Harbour Bridge confounds us until we realise that the Americans have raised a huge tribut to us. We jump up and down screaming hysterically like typical teenage girls then break free from the stupid Americans and run to try out a Krispy Kreme Donut. Then we make our way to the Coffee/Pie shop where we are greeted with open arms and that cool 'oooooooooo' music and the light shines down on the Apple Pie in the window...but the seats are all taken by obese Americans so we have to drug the waitresses and put their uniforms on then walk back out into the cafe and proceed to take all the slices of Apple Pie. We take them out into the back room and put them together to make one huge pie and then we shove it into our mouths really fast trying to savour the taste but failing because at that time a hugely obese American man comes in and tries to speak but he can't because all his flab gets in the way. We nearly suffoctae in his rolls but luckily we have a spare liposuction kit in our bag so we suck out all his fat and we can breathe again, and he thanks us for making him relativley skinny by taking us to LA where we go to all the stars home and they all give us pie but we have the niggling feeling that it is not the RIGHT pie. We have the feeling that we've tasted the right pie before but we dismiss the notion as ridiculous. While we are searching in LA a huge monster comes up to us and asks if we'd like to be extras in his upcoming film; 'A Monster Asks For Extras In LA'. We say 'Thats a really bad name for a movie, but we sure will'. We go to the set and are so good at giggling incessently in the background that the director puts us as his stars in another movie, The Best Pie In The World which is about two Aussie girls who are searching for the best pie in the entire world. We finish the movie and make big bucks. We ask someone to find the pie we're looking for but no one can. We search all around the world but to no avail. Finally, its time to get on the plane and travel home. We get on the plane and sit in our seats and 'Bring It On' is on again. What bad luck. Then we are told that they forgot to restock the peanuts. We can't take anymore. We both go psycho and parachute out of the plane and onto a little island in the middle of the ocean and there is a guy there who looks like Tom Hanks talking to a volleyball with a face drawn on it. Sadly the dude is struck down by a random flash of lightning (apparent;y the powers-that-be don't like weird Tom Hanks look-alikes who talk to balls with facial expressions.) We are left to try and sing to the sea turtles and get them to take us to the nearest land-mass that isn't a deserted island. To our surprise the sea-turtles can talk and invite us to dinner at their place which is on another island. We are surprised to find that the main course for the night was apple pie. But not the RIGHT apple pie!We eat more and more and more and we drop off to sleep. We awaken, eyes red-rimmed feeling quite lethargic. We realise we have been drugged! The sea-turtles were actually the US military in disguise! We are in a small jail cell. The head-sea-turtle comes and laughs evilly at us, but the bars are really wide and we can easily slip through. We tie up all the sea-turtles and fart non-stop to gas them all out. We steal their jet-packs and zoom over to Antarctica where we think the TRUE apple pies might be. We serach and search for the right apple pie but to no avail! We ask the polar bears and they point north to where they think they are. We shake our heads, knowing only Australia lies north. Weary, defeated, we hitch a ride back home on a renegade walrus. It is good to be back, we decide. We are a little hungry so decide to go to a nearby cafe for some refreshments. We sit down silently and order some pie to console our souls. We eat the pies silently, in our own doom, when suddenly we realise the pies taste fantastic! "THESE ARE THEY!" we scream in perfect unison. We demand to see the chef. We are shocked when we find out the chef is actually our mothers! They work as a team to create the best pies known to man! Tears wind their slow, silent way down our cheeks and we are filled with pride. Our quest has been fulfilled. The best pies in the world are in our own country. We realise that no matter how far and wide we might roam, the best pies wil always be on our own soil. Australian soil. Our HOME soil. And then we did the whole cheesy inspirational scene where we all run and hug each other and cry and laugh and hug some more. Then we go to our own homes and get onto the internet and talk to each other about apple pies. We decide to make our story known to the people of our fair country that you don't need to travel far to get the best of the best (well, only when it comes to apple pies,) and we decide to make a website about it so people don't have to make the same journey down the path of Apple Pie Discovery that we did. Our website does extremely well and we use all nthe money we make from it to save the world and ultimatley become role models for the entire universe. We even get waxes of us in that wax museum in America. The people of Australia blush with pride and our mothers make millions every day. Our home town becomes a national heritage area and we will be known for our wonderful pies forever more.