The Current Stable Rankings Are (Updated Through February 05):
1. EDGE - 85
2. NVUS - 80
3. NME - 45
4. CTI – 30
5. WWW - 20
6. POP - 10
7. UKA – 5
7. SC - 5
7. G - 5
NVUS: Bubba the Inmate gets the $50,000 award for winning League, Tag, TV Six and BR.
ROCKETS EXPLODE as we fade in to a full house of screaming fans. The lights go out and even more rockets go off and the music blares as NVUS: Savory Sal makes his way to the ring. Dan Coolidge and Frank McEnroe are ringside like always for this huge PPV!
Frank McEnroe: Welcome everyone to the first ever SSL PPV…St. Patrick’s Day Massacre, where the Irish aren’t the only ones getting lucky tonight. That’s because tonight we will crown the first ever SSL Heavyweight Champ. But first we have NVUS: Savory Sal versus EDGE: Danny S. Spivey.
The lights go out again but no music is heard nor rockets seen. Suddenly, the lights come back on and Spivey is standing right behind Sal. Spivey delivers a punch to the back of the head as the bell rings.
Dan Coolidge: What a nice way to say hello, the close fisted salute to the back of the dome.
Spivey spins Sal into the turnbuckle. Sal hits so hard that he staggers off and hits the mat hard. Spivey picks up Sal and slams him right in the middle of the ring. Spivey runs off the ropes over Sal and off the ropes again and MISSES an elbow drop. Sal takes advantage and quickly goes on the attack.
FM: That missed elbow drop may cost Spivey. Once Sal gets the upper hand, it’s hard to stop him.
Sal drags Spivey to the center of the ring and delivers a nasty suplex. Sal quickly runs to the turnbuckle, climbs to the top rope and NAILS a flying leg drop. Sal goes for the quick cover…1…2..kick out.
DC: Spivey better get the EDGE back if he wants to win this match.
Sal picks Spivey up and nails a DDT. This match is over but suddenly ALL OF EDGE come running out and attack Savory Sal. Led by CEO Geoff Hogg, EDGE members take turn ravishing Sal with kicks and punches. Finally, NVUS comes to their stablemate’s aid. The Short Bus crew combines to make a huge battering ram to clear the way to their stablemate.
DC: They may read at a 3rd grade level but they can sure leave some tread marks in that Short Bus.
Dr. Richard S. Tife nails Master Mang will a chair. All hell is breaking loss. Security rushes out to separate the two top SSL crews. The groups are finally separated but not before a few parting shots are taken. EDGE head back to the locker room as NVUS helps Sal up.
WINNER: Savory Sal via DQ.
FM: Oh my god! That was sheer chaos. I’m sure that wasn’t the end of this possible epic battle.
DC: Great start to this PPV…I saw a chair shot to the mug all ready dude.
FM: Next up is the First Blood match-up between HF: Apocalypse and NME: The Giant Rex Decot.
Fireworks explode and bomb blasts blare over the speakers as Apocalypse makes his way to the ring. He makes it into the ring and the lights go out once again and BAM, flames burst into the air and Decot runs towards the ring. The bell rings and the two wrestlers meet face to face.
FM: These two SSL titans are about to meet head to head and it’s not over until someone sheds some blood.
DC: Sweetness.
The two are still face to face but Decot makes the first move and kicks Apocalypse in the mid-section. Decot then throws Apocalypse out of the ring and hard unto the arena floor. Decot goes for a springboard slam and nails it!
DC: Decot is DYNO-mite so far. Apoc is in deep trouble, but you know its fun getting into trouble.
Decot appeared to hurt himself making the leap though and gets up slowly. Apocalypse gets up slowly too but beats Decot up and dropkicks Decot right in the face. Apocalypse brings Decot to his feet and drags him over to the stairs and starts to drive Decot’s head into them.
FM: Seems Decot is HEADing in the wrong direction.
DC: Real cheesy man, grade A cheddar.
Decot is in trouble but right before Apocalypse is about to head into the stairs again, Decot pushes Apocalypse into the ring pole. Decot takes control again and nails Apocalypse with a few punches to the face and ribs. Decot then grabs Apocalypse and whips him into the stairs. Apocalypse is knocked out.
FM: This match is all but over. All Decot needs to do is shed some of Apoc’s blood.
Decot goes to the announcers table and grabs a chair and takes it back over to Apocalypse’s still body. Without delay, Decot nails Apocalypse in the face with chair time and time again. After 10 shots to the face, Decot stops the mayhem to reveal a bloody Apocalypse.
WINNER: Giant Rex Decot
FM: Whoa, Decot really laid into Apocalypse with that chair.
DC: No crap, did you see the blood gushing from his head, it was like a water fountain, except red.
FM: Next up is our Hardcore match between Superstar Steve Blonde and HCH: Beast. This should be…
The camera cuts away from the announcers and onto the JumboTron. It shows HCH: Beast and Superstar Steve Blonde all ready going at it in the back. Blonde nails Beast with a metal pole and sends Beast flying across the floor.
FM: I guess the match is all ready started. No DQ, no count-out, let the mayhem begin.
Blonde runs after Beast and nails Beast again with another pole shot to the knee. Blonde then sweeps the leg and sends Beast to the pavement. Blonde goes to find another weapon as Beast nurses his hurt knee. Blonde finds a dumpster and rolls it over towards Beast. Blonde picks Beast up and attempts to slingshot him into the dumpster but Beast reverses it and Blonde hits the dumpster hard.
DC: That’s what I call taking out the trash.
Beast slowly limps over to Blonde and pulls Blonde up off the ground and NAILS a DDT on the pavement. Beast picks Blonde up again and throws Blonde threw the door of the arena and outside onto the sidewalk.
FM: It is a good nice night for a beat down.
DC: Indeed Frank, indeed.
Beast slams through the doors in pursuit of Blonde. Beast drags Blonde over to a bench and tosses Blonde into it. Blonde lands wrong on his hip and seems to be seriously injured. Beast doesn’t care and continues the onslaught. Beast runs back inside and reappears with a baseball bat. Blonde gets up before Beast reaches him and dodges the baseball bat. Blonde nails Beast with a fury of haymakers. Blonde picks up Beast to piledrive him into the pavement but Beast reverses it and piledrives Blonde hard into the ground. Beast goes for the pin…1…2…3.
WINNER: Beast
FM: Oh man, Blonde is seriously hurt. He landed awkwardly on his hip and just didn’t have enough power to piledrive Beast.
DC: It doesn’t help that Beast…well, is a Beast!
FM: Medics are helping Blonde into an ambulance and he will be going to the hospital shortly. Breaking news is that Commish Steve Henkel will make an announcement concerning the Tag team match scheduled next.
The Commish makes his way out of the back and onto the ring. He grabs a mic from the ring announcer.
COMMISH: Ladies and gentlemen, due to Sith Apprentice’s and Darth Vader’s recent inactivity, we’ll have to cancel this match.
The fans start to boo and yell profanities. The Commish seems overwhelmed.
COMMISH: BUT…but, the team of Shawn Slaughter and Skyblade the Tiger King will receive a bye in the first round of the Tag Team Championship due to this mishap. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.
The Commish walks off to a mixed reaction.
WINNER: Shawn Slaughter/Skyblade the Tiger King via forfeit.
DC: Ouch, no respect for the boss.
FM: That’s a shame that Sith Apprentice and Darth Vader have been inactive, it would have been a great match-up.
DC: Welp, no need to pout too long because the MAIN EVENT is coming up. The big Battle Royal to crown the SSL World Heavyweight Champion.
FM: That’s right, the guys are all ready making their way out to the ring. The EDGE guys are coming out as a group. I can’t wait until the NVUS guys come out and get in the ring with EDGE, the place is going to explode.
DC: Werd. Sheer pandemonium Frank, sheer.
FM: All right, we have about half the guys in the ring all ready. The Decot’s, all of EDGE, WWW, G, and HF are all in the ring. Now here come the POP guys followed by the SC duo and the CTI trio. Finally the NVUS crew makes their way to the ring and the ring is full to the brim of wrestlers.
DC: Reminds me of that time in Thailand, wait…never mind.
The bell rings and right off the bat two men are thrown out.
ELIMINATED: CG: Homedogg and SC: “Moneymaker” Chris Harris.
FM: Man, the ring was so full that two men were flung out in the first 10 seconds. Oh, and another one goes out! This battle royal is off to a quick pace.
ELIMINATED: POP: Navy Nick.
DC: There’s a huge brawl between the G guys and the HF brawlers on the far side of the ring. Wait a minute, the Short Bus foursome is doing their battering ram again and NAILS all 6 wrestlers out of the ring!
ELIMINATED: G: Great Gorgo, G: Gwangi the Great, G: Dr. No, HF: Apocalypse, HF: Twisted Steel Bobby Legend, and HF: Cerebus.
FM: EDGE and NVUS are going at it again. Bodies are flying everywhere! Luscious Lou gets thrown out but takes Master Mang with him.
ELIMINATED: NVUS: Luscious Lou and EDGE: Master Mang.
DC: Now, CTI and WWW are going at it on the other side of the ring. Terminator throws Hardcore Shawn Slaughter into his own teammate, Anton Von Snapp, and both men go out!
ELIMINATED: WWW: Hardcore Shawn Slaughter and CTI: Anton Von Snapp.
DC: Now, Skyblade the Tiger King is in a 2 on 1 situation. Winston Von Snapp and Terminator run straight for King but King ducks and tosses both of the remaining CTI OUT!
ELIMINATED: CTI: Winston Von Snapp and CTI: Terminator.
FM: The Short Bus foursome is at again and eliminates the rest of POP and poor poor Loose Cannon Brian Blonde.
ELIMINATED: POP: Conquering Chris, POP: Jaguar Jason and Loose Cannon Brian Blonde.
DC: Bubba the Inmate and “The CEO” Geoff Hogg are straight pummeling each other…but wait, here comes Skyblade the Tiger King and sends both of them out! He’s on a rampage!
ELIMINATED: NVUS: Bubba the Inmate and EDGE: “The CEO” Geoff Hogg.
DC: Now, Skyblade blindsides Dilution Theory and sends him to the floor. The man can not be stopped.
ELIMINATED: SC: Dilution Theory.
FM: EDGE and NVUS are still going at it. The Short Bus foursome tries to take down the Decot’s but the Decot’s reverse it and send the Short Bus foursome out but not before Sam and Steve grab Adam and Mark Decot.
ELIMINATED: NVUS: Short Bus Steve, NVUS: Short Bus Sam, NVUS: Short Bus Stu, NVUS: Short Bus Stan, NME: Total Arrogance Adam Decot and NME: Madman Mark Decot.
FM: The remaining is almost sent out by an ambushing Immortal Hulk Blonde but Decot hangs on and gets back into the ring. He then tosses the last Blonde out!
ELIMINATED: Immortal Hulk Blonde.
DC: Tiger King and Decot are now teaming up and sending “The Ringmaster” and Ric Passion out of ring!
ELIMINATED: EDGE: “The Ringmaster” Anthony Rodriguez and EDGE: Ric Passion.
FM: Decot turns on Tiger King and tries to eliminate him but the King reverses it sends Decot out!
ELIMINATED: NME: The Giant Rex Decot
REMAINING: EDGE: Soul Glo Assassin, EDGE: Danny Spivey, EDGE: Travis Spivey, EDGE: Rob Slayer, NVUS: Savory Sal, WWW: Skyblade the Tiger King, NME: Stellar Stan Foxx, NME: Majestic Fred Foxx and NME: Cajun Crusader.
DC: The Spivey are teaming up to try to eliminate the last of the NME. They get Crusader out but The Foxxs are hanging on for dear life. Savory Sal comes over and helps finish NME off and gets one of the Spivey’s to boot.
ELIMINATED: NME: Stellar Stan Foxx, NME: Majestic Fred Foxx, NME: Cajun Crusader and EDGE: Travis Spivey.
FM: Rob Slayer tries to go after Skyblade but Savory Sal sneak attacks him and throws him out! On the other side of the ring, Skyblade throws Danny Spivey out!
ELIMINATED: EDGE: Danny Spivey and EDGE: Rob Slayer.
DC: We’re down to three men left! Savory Sal, Skyblade and Soul Glo Assassin are the only men left.
Skyblade goes right after Assassin and the two men grapple but Skyblade gets the advantage and almost gets Assassin out of the ring! Assassin recovers and lands a few punches on Skyblade. Sal gets tired of waiting and goes to get both men out. He nails the two grappling men head on and all three men go out BUT Soul Glo Assassin grabs the rope at the last second as the other two men hit the mat!
ELIMINATED: NVUS: Savory Sal and WWW: Skyblade the Tiger King!
WINNER and NEW SSL WORLD CHAMP: EDGE: Soul Glo Assassin!
DC: Oh man, that was intense. I need a stiff drink after that!
FM: Soul Glo Assassin is the new SSL WORLD CHAMP. That’s all the time we have, we’re outta here!
COMMISH: Steve Henkel, EMAIL: theonestevewh@hotmail.com