Claires Poetry

Who is the Poet.

• Claire Giannetta
• also known as Mistress Wolf Shadow

NEW STUFF

yet again
don't let that blade bite you
yet again leaving ugly marks
upon your precious flesh
don't let that blade bite you
yet again letting your blood flow
freely from your fingertips
don't let that blade bite you
yet again coming closer
to taking you away from me


SCARS

Scars
express the hardships
she had to endure
Outside
she is healed
Inside
she still bleeds
Longing
for someone to bandage her


Untitled
I lie here in my bed wishing I was dead. Every breath I have to take is a harder one to make. I wonder how long it will be before I give up completly. I think of running, I think of pills, I think of knives and the thrills. I want it over, I'm ready now. I'm going to go, but when and how?

Untitled
Blood-painted walls
stained with lies,
it drips with my pain
and leaks with my pride.
Cut past the skin
and reveal what's inside,
then stitch back the past
and prepare for more.
Resist the temptation,
shed my tears;
Hide the scars of hatred
and pretend to smile again.

Untitled
The cuts
lead to scars
scars tell stories
which no one
understands
no one
but
me

life is shit
chocolate is evil
knives do no good
crying myself blind
thats what i tell myself but I can't stop


my friends think im suicidal
they don't get it
i don't want to kill my self
i just want to feel... free
when i cut I can forget
all my problems
and just concentrate
on the pain
for that second
I am free


Racing through my veins,
This desire.
Cannot tell you how it feels,
How I need it.
More than air.
Breath in gasps,
Mind racing,
One little nick,
Just one, please.
It won't hurt
My inner demon tells me,
He loves you, he won't leave you.
I fight with it all too much.
It overcomes me.
Tells me more, more, MORE!
It likes to see red.
Likes to see my skin bled.
Fighting feels like
A constant struggle.
Sometimes I swear I can feel
The punches, the kicks.
It feels as though
They might punch a hole
Through my chest.
And why not?
It'd be better than this.
********************
Wash away the pain,
Watch the red water swirl down the drain.
Finally you can think
Finally you can feel.
Don't clean it,
Hope it gets infected.
Maybe then they'll know
Know you hurt inside.
Know the feelins you hide.
You feel so whole,
You feel so alive.
You're sick of pretending.
So sick of medication.
Sick of Wednesdays.
Sick of the fake leather couch.
Sick of the questions.
Sick of appointment cards.
Sick of the fake atmosphere.
But right now it doesn't matter.
Just the coolness of the metal in your hand.
Just the stickiness of the blood.
Just the icy water.
Who gives a shit what they think?!
This is your world.
You're happy here.
So what if you're all alone.
*****************

Standing there,
In that picture perfect scene,
Nothing but rocks and ocean.
Oh glorious ocean...
Someday I will drown away
All this pain inside...
Someday.
I want to jump.
Not to die.
To be……..
Alive
To feel the rush of the wind.
To hear it in my ears.
To taste the salty air.
To smell the water.
To be whole again.
Not what I am.

*****************

Things pass me by,
Though I am moving faster.
Not a part of it all.
In my own dimension.
My life is a disaster.
Incredibly full of demention.
Nothing makes any sense anymore.
Things are so twisted.
I am over here,
But who knows where here is located.
My ways are so wicked.
My soul has been vacated.
My heart is empty.
But my mind,
My mind is free.
So much easier like this;
No standards to uphold.
When your heart has gone cold.
Aching boyd,
*****************


Zoloft to get you high.
Ciagrette cravings,
Missing the nicotine...
Wondering how you'll get by.
Need to bleed,
Dying to cut.
Longing for someone,
Really anyone...
But only wanting a certain one.
Have you ever felt so alone?
Yet you're surrounded.
Surrounded by souls so unlike you,
People who seems all shiny and new,
Nothing at all like you.
Missing the warmth
Of a close body.
Especially somebody.
You're phone doesn't ring,
Like it used to.
You're heart aches
Like it never used to.
*******************

Disrespect me.
Put yourself high above me.
Mess with my mind.
Make your comments.
It's what I want.
Admit you hate me.
Admit you don't like my gender.
Talk about us in the kitchen.
Just don't hit me.
It's what I need.
Please use me.
Then go ahead and lose me.
Make your jokes about head.
Tell me, force me, to give it to you.
It's what I thrive on.
*****************

Wish I knew how to
Handle it all.
Wish I wasn't me.
Wish I wasn't so psycho.
I want to hide my pain,
Hide my signs
the ones that say something is wrong
Rather than make jokes
And laugh at me.
Cuz I know it's not funny...
Something
is
very
very
very
WRONG
Some people dream of bright sunny meadows.
But never me.
I live in dark dank dungeons
It's my destiny.
No, I'm not happy.
But one cannot escape their place
In this demented world.
And mine is a life
Of never ending PAIN.
******************

My tortured soul lies chained
And a.b.u.s.e.d
In a faraway corner.
Darkness rapidly encompassing
All that remains
Of my
Inner

Light.
And now I am banished
To my life of vacancy.
*******************

I can find
Beauty
Beauty in a delicate flower.
In a softly formed cat paw.
In the deepness of my love's eyes.
In the complexity of a computer chip.
In the melting taste of cheesecake.
In the stiches of my favorite shirt.
In the winding paths of the woods.
In the gently rippling pond.
In the intricacy of the veins of a leaf.
In the slippery scales of a fish.
In the smallness of an ant.
In the shininess of a photography.
In the brushstrokes of a pianting.
In the stillness of the dark.
In the peaceful rain.
But why can't I find any beauty in me?
*****************


Red on the surface
You're broadcasting your pain
But people recoil in fear
They don't want to hear
The prose of a tortured soul
Yet they call my poetry lovely
Red dripping down your arm
You're captivated by the process
By which you heal
By which scars form
So you create wounds
To tell what words cannot
****************


Angry red slashes
Decorate me
Angry red slashes
For you to see
Maybe this way
You just may know
How I really hurt
Or maybe you're blind
***************


Who would ever guess
That beneath that lovely dress
Lies so many gashes
Tiny red slashes
And beneath that delicate chest
Lies a heart that never does rest
A heart that's full of pain
And a never-ending rain
Falls from her eyes
Out escapes a heavy sigh
That speaks more than you know
She feels so low
***************


Contemplating suicide
Have no place to hide
My life is caving in
And I don't know where to begin
My wrists are bleeding
The redness is misleading
To those who don't know me
I know this isn't how it should be
I know I'm not supposed to live this way
And with every slice I pay
Pay dearly for my transgressions
I have a confession
This is more than I can bear
And I really don't care
If I continue on
Will they notice if I'm gone?
I curl up in the empty shell that is me
And let myself bleed
I swear I'm happy here
And I want no one near
I fear I might break
And they'd see how I ache
They'd see my pain
They'd feel the rain
So I contemplate suicide
As a way to hide
**************


Fighting and struggling
With a force greater than she
She cannot resist.
She must give in to the temptation,
The power greater than she.
It pulls her away from normalcy
She can't be like everyone else.
She cannot resist.
It controls her every fuction,
Always perched at the edge of her mind.
There's nothing she can do
To pull away from it.
Nothing she can do to resist,
Resist the ever-present temptation,
She's forced to live moment-to-moment.
Forced to live by the demons inside.
Forced to do as they say.
**************


I will draw you a picture
Of all my inner pain
A picture so you can see
How I hate to be me
My picture for you
Can only be in one hue
Red
And it will be just lines
Lines that scream angry red
Lines that have led
The world to all my inner pain
So they can see how I hurt
How I hurt inside
***********


I Deserve
I deserve pain,
not love,
I deserve enimes,
not friends,
I deserve punishment,
not a hug,
I deserve tears,
not smiles,
I deserve dislike,
not careing,
I deserve sadness,
not happiness,
I deserve death,
not eternity,
I deserve abuse,
not worthiness,
I deserve hurt,
not releif,
I deserve wounds,
not presents,
death is knocking,
soon my hand will unite,
with deaths and we will fly away into the mist.


I don't cut for your attention
I do it straight from depression
Its easy for you to cry of tears
But its not so easy to release my fears.
My eyes refuse to leak a drop
so blood is my tears when the pain won't stop
If I wanted you to know
I would let the cuts show
But they're hidden under sleeves,
and temporarily my pain leaves.
You say this isn't true, for it hurts to slice the skin
But when you're this depressed, all your pain is within.
I live to cut and I cut to live
I only live by what my friends can give.
Not gifts that someone like you could touch or see But the gifts of love, that let me live like me.
Its only my friends that keep me alive
They say if I took my life, they wouldn't survive.
So I cut my wrists to release the pain
To keep me from suicide, just one more day.


Cut Me Out
Depression, paranoia, Insomnia, Phobia.
I am half a person.
The pain in my head consumes me.
Cutting is my release,
It changes the mental into physical.
Sharp kitchen knife slices at pale flesh,
At the mercy of my mind.
The pain burns.
Crimson teardrops roll down my arm.
Mind-numbing, horror erasing,
I'm focused solely on cutting,
drawing permanent pictures on my skin.
Freedom from myself, as myself flows out.
Satisfaction.
More and deeper, cutting it away.
The pain lets me know I'm alive.
For an extra kick use a perfumed blade.
Agony.
Delight.
I deserve it all.


SUICIDE NOTES
I have so many,
But they have never been put to use.
Harsh feelings,
Everything I ever wanted to say to you, on one piece of paper.

Will you ever know,
I wrote these letters for you.
Will you ever know,
My feelings are true.

Would you throw them away,
Or cry when you read them?
Keep them forever,
Never letting anyone else see?
Or would you exploit me,
For the bastard I am?

Dont ask why,
Please.
I had my reasons.
Read my note,
As I fade away with the changing seasons.

No longer here,
No longer gone.

In my note are my last wishes,
Dont hate me for leaving,
Please I just couldnt go on.
And please,
whatever you do,
Please dont forget me,
The me I am now and the me I used to be.


A Cutter's story
Sitting here
starring at my scars
thinking to my self
How I ended up here?

I count my scars
I see 1, 2, 3 or wait there's more..
I count my cuts
over 50 i see

If you went back 7 or so years ago
and asked the little 8 year old me
If i would ever do this to my self
I would probably thing you were crazy

As you can see
my mind as changed quite abit
but thats only because
I found this new way to cope

Self-injury comes in many forms
burning, cutting, hitting, scratching
whichever way I choose
it seems to make things better

I burn my self for the pain
I need to burn my troubles away
its pain for pleasure
which I know i deserve

I cut my self to see the blood
washing away my sorrows
feeling the pain
to know I'm alive

Its my escape and release
from this painful world around me
How would I ever be able to survive
without the blades special touch

Pressing down a little harder
each and every day
deeper and deeper I go
watching the blood poor out

I need all this pain
I must see the blood
its my salvation
I need it to live

Time changes everything doesn't it
cause like i said before
I never thought I would end up here
inflicting pain upon my own body

Now that I am though
I don't want to leave
I need it to much
its my only true friend

Well that's my story
judge if you must
but its who I am
and why I hurt so much

MOST of the Above is dated before 2002

How Much You Mean To Me

by Claire

(dedicated to Farrah)
No words will ever explain
how much you mean to me.
I've been though happiness and a little pain,
but this is the way it must be.
Friends come and some go
but you will always be here... this i know.
I shed a tear
when I think about you leaving,
and I am left here,
sitting and greving.
If only you knew how much you mean to me.
This is all for the better
but now it's hard.
We will still talk
even if it's a simple letter or card.
But just remember,
I will always be here for you.
And I know you will be there for me, too.
You never know
what this could end up to be
If only you knew
how much you mean to me.