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My Journey
Saturday, 1 November 2003
10/31/03
i am not exactly sure what i am going to post in here as of yet. it seems like things are running fairly smoothly right now, but somehow i get the feelings that things just aren't right.
blaine was a trip tonight, he was cracking on everything. it was good to see him so happy. actually it was quite wonderful, i am wondering if it is because i have been so placid the last couple of days. it seems that things are ok, but i have been lacking the sense of peace and contentment that i felt before and that bothers me. i want so badly to feel the peace and contentment again, and know that i am free. to know that i can do as i please when i please, and still be loved and accepted for who i am. it sometimes seems as though it will never happen or if it does it will be so far out of reach that i will never get to know it until it is right up on me.
i am wondering about the feelings i am having at this point. i feel torn between 3 people and it seems i change my mind however the wind blows at times. i have a husband whom i have been married to for 8 years, and to some degree i love him. he has been a great provider but the passion in our marriage is lacking and it also seems that he has no interest in gaining it back. i have tried talking and suggesting counseling but he is not willing to go that route either. he does not understand my needs or emotions and then it seems like he blows them off. which really just pushs me further away from him cause i don't feel comfortable sharing anything then. the subject of submission to him is like a passing fancy of something. he does not seem to realize it is not something i can turn on or off, it is something so deep down inside of me that it sometimes scares me. i have trouble with the thought of handing over all control and such to another person to begin with, i don't trust. see that is where i am torn between the other two. i have one that the words flow like honey and another that is just brutally honest and very wise. though i am really often times hurt by what he says until i stop and think about it after a while. so now to make a final decision on that one is going to be exteremly interesting. but i have to stop bouncing between the two, one tells me that he loves me and wants me to grow, but he wants to control every aspect of my life and the other just wants me to let him in so that he can share my life but not necessarily control it. i don't know what to do. i guess i will write more about each of them later in more detail but not tonight.

Posted by empire2/gentleflower at 2:26 AM EST
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