Here I am. Sitting in my room ar 11:17. I don’t know why but I’m in a really crappy mood.
Probably because I started my period today, but that’s some major mood swinging. Anyways, I’ve never liked writeing but since all the great writers say stuff like “Let it flow and revise later” that’s what I’m doing. I’m gonna try and clear my head while listening to the Cranberries. Why the Cranberries? They have a calm sound about their music that I like. One thing that really bothers me is when people judge music and by music. I have a friend who shouted a “prep” who was were a Chevelle shirt. She yelled “Chevelle isn’t for preps!” I was mortified. All I could think is “And why the HELL do you honestly care?”. Chevelle makes music, and something just tells me they want it to reach out to everyone. I think everyone can listen to whatever they want. Hell, I like classical and Manson at the same time. And the Avril is a poser thing, that really irks me too. Just HOW is she a poser? She writes music, and sings it in a style that she likes. How is that poseing? I mean, sure, a song or two of her’s may have a county twang to it and she may dress punk...but how do clothes and music connect anything? Well, that just helped scrape out a little bit from my head. Ugh, but I’m still in a bad mood. Herm, what else to talk about. How about Chris. I dunno about him anymore. I still almost cry when I think about me and him. I don’t understand why for once I couldn’t just let me be happy and said yes to him asking me out. Well, I know the answer to that. I read it in a zodiac “How easily do you fall in love?” test. Sadly, an internet quiz explained me exactly. I have to many protections around myself. I wouldn’t go out with him, thinking things like: “He’d be my first boyfriend. He’d get sick of me not knowing what to do and break up.” and “Maybe he doesn’t like me at all. This is just all a sick trick.” Yeah yeah, pessimistic me. I do this a lot. I did it with Nate too. Last year I was really sad a lot, thinking of Chris... I just wanted to know, could’ve it worked? Would’ve I been happy? Why couldn’t I’ve just said yes. Protecting yourself from pain is pretty painful sometime. I just never think it’ll work out. I look at all my friends and see their relationships not lasting. I just don’t want to go through that... You know, I used to say that being a teenager and younger was too young to fall in love. Now I wonder. I don’t know. With Chris, I used to get a jolt every time I saw him. I’d be like all the air in the world left for a few seconds and it felt like I woluld melt. Now, the rare times I get to see him, I don’t get that anymore. I just relax, and want to smile. In my head, I say “There’s Chris.” and it’s not bland uninterested words, it’s more like a calm, “Yay, he’s here.” I just don’t know if I like him anymore. I want to, I just don’t know if I do. Wow, there’s half of my head empty now. Something else to spill...drugs, sex, violence and everything else that’s all the new cool. I don’t understand drugs. I have so many freinds that do them. I don’t see why. Yeah, some of them are deluted by “Everyone else is doing it!” but some just say their life sucks so much that drugs help them...I’m wondering how can one’s life be THAT bad. People can get out of any bad situation these days. Most the situations they get themselves into. But like my one friend, her mom and her like really hate each other. She says she does drugs to get away from that. I wonder, if it’s that bad, why not go to like a trusted teacher at school, or the counslers...It’s so easy to get help these days, but no one wants to get any then blame everyone else for their problems. Another thing that just blows my mind is how people so young can be so sexual. We’re like 15-16 and I know people that’ve been sleeping around since they were like 10-11. I mean, sure it’s a natural thing and all, but these days it’s so dangerous. And so many pregnaunt people that didn’t want that...Human stupidity is amazeing. One thing I really can’t stand is guns...I don’t understand my fear. When I was little, I used to stare at my uncle’s shotguns, goggling over them. Then sometime when I was little, sometime I don’t remember, I became a afraid of them. I think I have a phobia of them. My like worse fear (besides loseing family and friends and general death) is being shot. I just really don’t like guns... Death really bothers me. I have a fear of death. Most nights I think about it...thoughts of my family and friends dieing fill my head and I start feeling empty. I can’t help it. Every almost night. Then I’ll start crying and spend like a half an hour trying to get my thoughts off death. I’m 15 and worried about death...that just shows how common it is in this world...I don’t understand.
I don’t understand a lot of things. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the ignorant one.