Here I am. Sitting in my room ar 11:17. I dont know why but Im in a really crappy mood.
Probably because I started my period today, but thats some major mood swinging. Anyways, Ive never liked writeing but since all the great writers say stuff like Let it flow and revise later thats what Im doing. Im gonna try and clear my head while listening to the Cranberries. Why the Cranberries? They have a calm sound about their music that I like. One thing that really bothers me is when people judge music and by music. I have a friend who shouted a prep who was were a Chevelle shirt. She yelled Chevelle isnt for preps! I was mortified. All I could think is And why the HELL do you honestly care?. Chevelle makes music, and something just tells me they want it to reach out to everyone. I think everyone can listen to whatever they want. Hell, I like classical and Manson at the same time. And the Avril is a poser thing, that really irks me too. Just HOW is she a poser? She writes music, and sings it in a style that she likes. How is that poseing? I mean, sure, a song or two of hers may have a county twang to it and she may dress punk...but how do clothes and music connect anything? Well, that just helped scrape out a little bit from my head. Ugh, but Im still in a bad mood. Herm, what else to talk about. How about Chris. I dunno about him anymore. I still almost cry when I think about me and him. I dont understand why for once I couldnt just let me be happy and said yes to him asking me out. Well, I know the answer to that. I read it in a zodiac How easily do you fall in love? test. Sadly, an internet quiz explained me exactly. I have to many protections around myself. I wouldnt go out with him, thinking things like: Hed be my first boyfriend. Hed get sick of me not knowing what to do and break up. and Maybe he doesnt like me at all. This is just all a sick trick. Yeah yeah, pessimistic me. I do this a lot. I did it with Nate too. Last year I was really sad a lot, thinking of Chris... I just wanted to know, couldve it worked? Wouldve I been happy? Why couldnt Ive just said yes. Protecting yourself from pain is pretty painful sometime. I just never think itll work out. I look at all my friends and see their relationships not lasting. I just dont want to go through that... You know, I used to say that being a teenager and younger was too young to fall in love. Now I wonder. I dont know. With Chris, I used to get a jolt every time I saw him. Id be like all the air in the world left for a few seconds and it felt like I woluld melt. Now, the rare times I get to see him, I dont get that anymore. I just relax, and want to smile. In my head, I say Theres Chris. and its not bland uninterested words, its more like a calm, Yay, hes here. I just dont know if I like him anymore. I want to, I just dont know if I do. Wow, theres half of my head empty now. Something else to spill...drugs, sex, violence and everything else thats all the new cool. I dont understand drugs. I have so many freinds that do them. I dont see why. Yeah, some of them are deluted by Everyone else is doing it! but some just say their life sucks so much that drugs help them...Im wondering how can ones life be THAT bad. People can get out of any bad situation these days. Most the situations they get themselves into. But like my one friend, her mom and her like really hate each other. She says she does drugs to get away from that. I wonder, if its that bad, why not go to like a trusted teacher at school, or the counslers...Its so easy to get help these days, but no one wants to get any then blame everyone else for their problems. Another thing that just blows my mind is how people so young can be so sexual. Were like 15-16 and I know people thatve been sleeping around since they were like 10-11. I mean, sure its a natural thing and all, but these days its so dangerous. And so many pregnaunt people that didnt want that...Human stupidity is amazeing. One thing I really cant stand is guns...I dont understand my fear. When I was little, I used to stare at my uncles shotguns, goggling over them. Then sometime when I was little, sometime I dont remember, I became a afraid of them. I think I have a phobia of them. My like worse fear (besides loseing family and friends and general death) is being shot. I just really dont like guns... Death really bothers me. I have a fear of death. Most nights I think about it...thoughts of my family and friends dieing fill my head and I start feeling empty. I cant help it. Every almost night. Then Ill start crying and spend like a half an hour trying to get my thoughts off death. Im 15 and worried about death...that just shows how common it is in this world...I dont understand.
I dont understand a lot of things. Sometimes I wonder if Im the ignorant one.