The first shots of the war were fired on June 10, 2003 and then again a week later. The Kratopians came out with a naked picture of Fred Flintstone, thinking it was a cannon. This set back their war effort for five years while they finished vomiting, though the Pirates of Barbados seemed to enjoy themselves. After the Kratopians got their shit together, they threw it at the Metopians, only to realize that they had utilized the delay to march all the way to the Kratopian capital of Sustuli. Kratopia aked for a foul, and they got a 2-1 decision from the panel. Metopia returned to the beaches to fight 'fair's fair.' Here is how the battles turned out:



Sir Ironhorse was forced into naval combat with Dogbeard's Funboats after Sir Shizerdick called the Pirate a Crawler. The two fired pot shots at each other before moving on to weed shots, and finally realizing that actual guns would kill each other better than drugs. Ironhorse's Ferrequus won the day, Dogbreath there won the night, but Ironhorse took the evening to gain the victory for Metopia.



The Elite Shitflingers led by Piddly McWimp came along and decimated Billabong's halberds at first, but then the tide turned when the shitflingers ran out of food. The tide turned again when the moon came in too close to the Earth, and soon a disgruntled, 100-foot tall mutant InkLink player named Draw came along and stomped both armies into oblivion.



In an unexpected move, Kratopia sent out its navy to clear out the pirate ships from their waters. The Pirates responded by setting their canine 'companions' on fire and throwing them overboard. Unfortuneatly, they could only throw the dogs about 50 feet tops, whereas the guns of the Kratopian dreadnaughts had a range of 500 yards. The Pirates were soundly defeated, though they did manage to injure Sir Alfonzo Bellitini to the point where his head had to be amputated.



Sir Mix-a-little held fast in his defense of the endangered Allivark population that was threatened by Cpl. Ryan Freel's heavy tanks. Swelling with pride in their fight to save the allivarks, as well as the hookers who pleasure the allivarks, the Kratopians got their fucking asses beaten. The hookers then came to their rescue and punched Ryan Freel in the face. The allivarks, who as it turns out are not endangered but as plentiful as idiocy on a Conservative, proceeded to devour the entire battalion of tanks. Freel escaped only by diving away, though he accidentally kneed a particularly old hooker in the face as he did so.

Week Two

The battles had just begun to heat up, but Kratopia was so far successful in repeling all attempts by Metopian to breach the coastal defense. Then suddenly a particularly dim Barbadosian Pirate ran naked through the crowd and screamed "Alla Walla Okka Okka Dispantinorz!!!!11!!11one!!" Sir Salty Sam shot him on the spot but while the Kratopians covered their nether regions, Sir Jaralim led a smallish-largish Metopian force of 20 million past the beach forces and marched toward the main cities. Sir Salty Sam grabbed a phone, said a curseword, then led his troops deep into Kratopia's figurative innards to meet the Metopian bastards where they were....over there.



The Metopians under Sir Nobunaga made it as far as the McCutcheon range before being ambushed by a bunch of shits on horseback. Of course the ninjas made mincemeat out of the Kratopian mince warriors, but what to do with the Lancers? Faced with this difficult decision for about 5 days, they finally decided they should make Lancemeat out of them. So they did. But in the process, they lost all but 14,000 of their own numbers. Luckily, four, seven, and thirty-theero were recovered, and the Puma-Ninjae continued their advance, forever fearing the rumors that Kratopia had an Anti-Puma-Ninja Gun. Of course they needn't have worried, as at that very moment, a Pirate of Barbados had accidentally eaten it while raping a Dachsund.



In the second meeting of the main guys here, Byrun Sexxalought clashed with ol' Sam himself. They sent sexual messages back and forth over AIM for the better part of the day before they realized that they were not talking Jenna Jameson and that Spotswood girl, respectively. Soon the battle raged, and the 'kriegers in their armored PT Cruisers came out vistorious after Byrun's bumbling assistant Patsy fell off the mountain and died. Byrun refused to continue until Patsy was properly buried in the proper customs of his homeland of Moronia, namely being chucked in a dumpster on the corner of 22nd and 3rd.



Rain Palau teamed with Micheal Moore led the Thundermonkey defense against the invading Chinchillas. Sir Yyunh himself led the charge of the goofy animals, and lost because he stopped to look at Lady Crimsonnyte's exposed breasts over at the Kratopia-Metopia battle. What a jerk.



Realizing that they pretty much sucked at waging war, but were really good at just plain sucking, the Pirates went ashore and followed the Metopian army into Kratopia. After the Metopian heroes were turned back from the summit of K-3, the Pirates went in and threw dogs at the Kratopians. One dog accidentally pissed in one the Kratopian Kar's gastank and it exploded. This set of a chain reaction of explosions and like the Pirates won and stuff. Their first mate, Capn. Butz Pirate later told a Metopian Picayune reporter, "I'd rape you but you're not a dog." Truer words were never spoken.



Disgusted by the sickening display of the Pirates at their tasks, the combined forces of the Cleveland Indians and Cincinnati Reds hiked up K-3 and slit them up a treat. After that, they slit them up a treaty.




By week three, Metopian forces had advanced as far as the McCutcheon Mountain Range, but had not yet been able to get to the other side, where the main infrastructure of Kratopia was located, inside a small box under a bale of hay outside Basingstoke. The Kratopian's morale was at its highest, although their spirit was low and their vive was somewhere left of center. Meanwhile, the Bitopian SOBs mostly sat around drinking Schnapps while the Pirates of Barbados chased cats and fooled around with each other.



This relatively minor battle in this whole fiasco that was the War of Kratopian Subservience served no real purpose other than the fact that some Bitopians had their condoms stolen by monkies in the toilets stalls while they were waiting for the 11:13 from Harpendon. In a battle of swirlies and 'Freedom Ticklers', the drunkards punched out the monkies and got their Trojans back. As the Filipino monkies fled the scene, they bumped right into Bohemian Knight Sir Lightstone who had entered the bathroom to throw up after placing second in the Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest. After fifteen hours of vomiting, the Knight decided that Metopia's fight with Kratopia, not with the Phillipenes.



This treaty was a non-agression pact between Metopia and the Phillipenes. This was a key moment in the war, because not only was Metopian allowed to walk right through the Filipino line right into the main Kratopian army, but it also provided for a really cool pizza party afterwards.



Having defeated the Filipino army in the bathroom, the Bitopian army went into the main hallway to attempt to breach the Kratopian line. A great battle waged all up and down the west hallway, and even spilled into the Science Wing. Salty Sam, seeing his oppurtunity, grabbed it and ran off to Sustuli. Luckily Johnny Red was a better warrior than Sam the piss-ant, and he was able to scald the Bitopians in Sulfuric Acid. Sir Yyunh turned tail and fled, and the Bitopian army was pretty much done for.



After Bitopia had been routed, the Pirates decided to actually do something right for once and rode to their aid on the 'backs' of various canines. As the Kratopian Allivark Mahouts were busy puking their brains out (except Sir Mix-a-little who was strangely turned on and masturbated) the Dog Guys used the Hungarian Flank strategy to set the Kratopians runnning, then used the American Assault strategy to take out the weaker and slower ones. They would have killed them all and ended the war right here, but unfortunately they had turned to using the Barbadosian Dog-sucking strategy.



Hot on the heels of the Pirate attack, the Ohians came in to aid their allies in killing a bunch of Kratopians. They did. What?



The already routed Bitopians were still hanging around, so Ohio kicked their ass too.

Week Four

With the Metopians in control of Sabresville, the Kratopians were forced to go on three weeks vacation in Jamaica. But when they returned, they built up their citadel at Sustuli. Meanwhile, their Filipino allies gathered a whopping great army to slow down the Metopian advance. Meanwhile, as Bitopia was barely holding on, those fucking Pirates were doing quite well, killing everything they could see, hear, touch, taste, or fuck. These ignorant jerk-offs would slow down the Metopian advance for the next two weeks, inadvertantly helping the Kratopian defense effort.



The combined power of Ironhorse and Byrun Sexxalought was too much for the Pirates, and they got their asses beat...again. Unfortuneatly, it took a full six days to do so, not counting coffee breaks, drug breaks, and watching the Tour de France. While Metopia was delayed, Kratopia built up a huge ultimate citadel that would be waiting for the Metopians when they reached Sustuli.



Despite being routed, Sir Yyunh still pushed the Bitopian Army forward toward Sustuli. The Filipinos decided they didn't need this, so they ambushed them in a swamp. In a three day pitched battle, the Bitopian army was routed and re-routed until there were about five men left, although with interest they were probably somewhere around eight or ten. Defeated and disillusioned, Yyunh and Billabong Fucksalot led the Bitopian Legion back towards the beaches.



Capn. Butz Pirate and Dogbeard, angered over Metopia's breach of the Treaty of Ghent which they never really even signed, decided to launch an all-out attack on the Metopian Air Force. Luckily they suck and got pwned.



The Pirates of Barbados, ever the annoying bunch of miserable fucks, and having already delayed Metopia, attempted to delay the Ohian forces as well. They succeeded by holding up in a pitched battle for nearly 45 seconds before that InkLinker came along, screamed "WHY THE FUCK DO YOU ALWAYS SPELL?!!?!?" and stomped them into oblivion again.

Week Five

In a strange and unexpected turn of events, Sir Yyunh's father died and he was notified on Week 5. Extremely elated (dad was a prick) the Bitopian decided to hold a major dinner party. Unfortunately, he made the unfortunate decision to hold said party in between the Metopian Position on the Salty River and the Kratopian citadel at Sustuli. The remnants of his army was now trapped right in the middle of the warring factions, and neither of the Selivanov brothers gave a shit. Vyborny ordered the Metopians to crush anyone in their way, as did Salty Sam for the Kratopians. The Bitopian Legion was caught between a rock, a hard place, a set of rotating knives, and a gay dude. Meanwhile, the nearby Pirates went on practicing gay bestiality and had now moved on to various forms of bondage, while certain fanatical Pirates had even begun taking a correspondence course in S & M (with dogs.)



The Metopians, having finally taken care of the Pirates after a six days of effort, ran into the Pirates one more time as they tried to cross the bridge over the River Salty. The Pirates had rallied one last time around their leaders, Dogbeard and Capn. Butz Pirate. This time, they brought out a shitload of Great Danes. The ginormous dogs began tearing at the flesh of the Bohemian Knights, causing Sir Allarmallard to run screaming from battle. It looked like the Pirates might actually win for once, but once more their nature as dog-rapists prevailed, and they began to...well yes anyway. Humorously, they had never tried this on such large dogs as a Great Dane, and the canines tore their masters apart. Nobunaga and Neptars laughed heartily, in the now-famous photo as seen on MSNBCNN.