No Picayune This Month
by Jon Stuart Cleavage
Mercury City: It seems that all of the writers for the Picayune have been drafted into their respective country's armies for the Inter-Empire War. Even I was drafted to serve in the Metopian Imperial Navy, but I was turned down for being obnoxious. It is therefore my great pleasure to announce that I am now in charge of the Picayune! Alright! I can write any stupid shit I want, and you guys will believe me because it's in the paper! Alright! I ... what?
Jon Stuart Cleavage Sentenced To 1000 Years In Liquid Nitrogen
by Frosty The Prevaricator
Mercury City: I think the title of this piece speaks for itself. We're not about to allow some stupid schmuck like J.S. to run this place. So therefore, we have taken the law into our own hands (as our great exalted leader Sir Schottenfroida has often asked us to do) and placed Mr. Cleavage in a small room and filled said room with liquid nitrogen. Well, I had better get back to Addax Air Force Base so I can continue my forced service of the Empire. Allen bless Metopia and may those stinking sock-sniffers in the A.M.A. all go to hell for the weekend! Hurrah Metopia!
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