Stualts Dlaft Univelsity

in Stualts Dlaft, Metopia

Established 1761

Note: The Stualts Dlaft area is a mostly Vybolnian Engrish speaking region. To tlansrate this page into Engrish, crick hele.

Introduction

Stualts Dlaft Univelsity is located on the edge of not-so-scenic Stualts Dlaft, Metopia, just off I-81 north of Staunton. SDU is one of the worst academic schools in the world behind Arizona State. We are damn proud of this fact because SDU is all about sports, except for football which is gay.

People

The headmaster of SDU is the right honorable Dr. Simien Phallic-Waters, deceased. Mr. Phallic-Waters was a member of the SDU class of 1765 and became headmaster the next year. He held that position in a reign of terror that lasted until his death in 1768 of gangrene and the plague. In 1832, his preserved body was re-instated, and he has led the univelsity ever since, despite the upheavel led by the Earthly Remains of Froederik von Frikstein (c/o 1766) back in 1984.
The Vice-Dean is the ashes of Seymour Hall (c/o 1814) and the head of the Board of Supervisors is the head, arms, and bits of the liver of Jerald Franklin (c/o 1789). The heads of Departments are also dead and not of any real concern.

Majors

Stualts Dlaft Univelsity offers many fine majors for the young adults and giant talking animals who come to our school. These include:
  • History
  • Engrish
  • Music
  • Culinary Arts
  • Religions of the World
  • Foreign Language
  • Silly Noises
  • Long Sustained Eruptions of Gas from the Buttocks
  • Basic Hitman Tactics
  • Metopian Numerology
  • How to Score
  • Rat Catching
  • Elvis Impersonation
  • Eating corn, collecting fire hydrants, raping horned toads (africa poisons)
  • Running
  • Public Speaking
  • Public Silence
  • Public Urination
  • Indecent Exposure
  • The Art of Making one of those Things where you Fold a Piece of Paper Just Right and then Write crap on the flaps so that when you hold it on the bottom and move it up and down you can lift up two of the flaps and tell someone's Fortune or whatever you do with those things
  • Sociology (better than Duke's)
  • Punching Jerks (very popular)

    Athletics

    The pride of SDU! Known for our long history of athletic success, the Stualts Dlaft Misnomers have won over 2 national championships throughout our 4 million year history. We compete in MCAA Division 1 as a member of the Big Theero Conference (formerly the Big Null-Set Conference). This conference includes some big name schools: Stualts Dlaft Univelsity, Terminus Tech, Fartlek A & M, Western State, Staunton University, University of Augusta County, Middle of Nowhere Arts and Design College, A Small Town College, and Fort Defiance High School. Stualts Dlaft offers the following sports:

  • Cross Country
  • Indoor Track
  • Outdoor Track
  • Gymnastics
  • Basketball
  • Baseball
  • Swimming and Diving
  • Cross Country
  • Women's Football (recently defeated Stuarts Draft High School in a scrimmage)
  • Volleyball
  • Softball
  • Hardball
  • Mediumball
  • Tug O' War
  • Wrestling (mud)
  • Wrestling (otherwise)
  • Roller Derby
  • Bicycle Racing
  • Rat Catching
  • Elvis Impersonating
  • Metopian triathlon (eating corn, collecting fire hydrants, raping horned toads [africa poisons])
  • Equestrian
  • NOT cheerleading
  • Punching Jerks

    We are especially proud of our track and field program. The men's team won the national title in 2002, led by miler Bard Nilsson, high jumper Jim Won'tis, shot putter Buffalo Bob, and 4x200 relay anchor Jared "Jarrod" Thomas. These outstanding athletes were among the best in SDU history besides maybe the world champion Elvis Impersonation team of 1887 led by the rotting corpse of Jon Stewart Phillips. We are especially proud of that track team because Nilsson and Won'tis have gone on to professional competition; Nilsson placed 3rd in the 1500 and Won'tis 1st in the high jump at the recent World Championships. Our other two track stars were less fortunate, Jared "Jarrod" Thomas failed as a pro and subsequently went on to successfully take over Cambodia and Buffalo Bob mainly pisses on cars in the Denny's parking lot.

    Tuition

    To get into SDU, you will need one of the following:
  • 1620 SAT
  • 4.9 GPA
  • Run really damn fast
  • Have lots of money
  • Be "open-minded"
    Cost of tuition is usually around 1,000,000 M¥ (approx. $3.50) but with various scholarships students can usually knock it down to about 15 M¥ (approx. $4,000,000,000,002) We do not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, or nationality but we do discriminate based on disability and sexual orientation (no crips or fags at our school!) Also if you were the valedictorian and/or the salutatorian at your high school then we don't want you here because you're annoying.

    In Closing...

    We here at SDU would like to say, "come to our school or piss off."


    Paid for by the SDU Board of Supervisors and from a private donation by the mortal remains of Marie Vell Essenstaff, SDU class of 9 BC.