Metopia Polytechnical Institute

"The Allivarks"

Founded 1866



The Metopia Polytechnical Institute, better known as Metopia Tech, is located in beautiful downtown Addax, Addax County, Metopia and is one of many fine Metopian higher learning institutes that is of course inferior to Lynchburg College (USA). At Metopia Tech, we offer a variety of technological and agricultural majors, as well some fine athletics, again inferior to Lynchburg College (USA).


Metopia Tech is divided into two schools:

Jemnezmy H. Henkelbuttocks Agricultural College (Hick School)

The Agricultural College is home to many fine majors, including (but not limited too:)
  • Cow Tipping
  • Red Necking
  • Funny Accents
  • Sheep Fucking Raising
  • Horse Whispering
  • Heavy Machinery
  • Heavy Petting
  • Cropduster Aerials
    and
  • Punching Jerks

    Fortescue M. Weeniewagger Technological College (Nerd School)

    The Tech school is the larger of the two schools and features such flaccid majors as:
  • Genetic Engineering
  • Biotechnical Engineering
  • Robotic Engineering
  • Punching Owen Parkinson Engineering
  • Cloning
  • Stoning
  • Jumping up and down on a pair of old trousers
  • Engineering Engineering
  • Looking up Porn
  • Computer Programming
  • Business Management
  • Accounting
  • And the occasional pheasant

    Athletics

    Metopia Tech has a long history of athletics. We are annually competitive in the ACC (Antarctic Coast Conference.) Our best sport, of course, is track and field. Current Metopian champions Adolf Hitler VII and Jormungand W. Wayneright from the class of 2001 and 1999, respectively, are among the best to come through our programs. Of course, Adolf was in Agriculture and J.W. was in Technology, so of course they hated each other like Germans and Austrians. Which is rather what they are, anyhow. Huh. Anyway, here is our list of athletic offerings:

    Men's Sports

  • Cross Country
  • Track (Indoor and Outdoor)
  • Football
  • Soccer
  • Baseball
  • NOT Tennis, OH NO, HAHAHAHA!
  • Backgammon
  • Chess
  • Cheese
  • Equestrian
  • Swimming and Diving
  • Water Polo
  • Fencing
  • Lacrosse
  • Modern Pentathlon
  • Metopian Triathlon (eating corn, collecting firehydrants, raping horned toads [africa poisons])
  • Moon-Bounce Volleyball
  • Hobo Hunting
  • Public Pants Removal

    Women's Sports

  • Cross Country
  • Track (Indoor and Outdoor)
  • Soccer
  • NOT Tennis, OH NO, HAHAHAHA!
  • Backgammon
  • Chess
  • Cheese
  • Equestrian
  • Swimming and Diving
  • Field Hockey
  • Modern Pentathlon
  • Metopian Women's Triathlon (*****ing with corn, ******ing on firehydrants, perfomring ***** on horned toads [africa poisons])
  • Public Pants Removal
  • Debate
  • Mud Wrasslin'
  • Competitive Belching

    The Annual Intramural Challenge

    Each year the memebers of the two schools get together and compete in the Metopia Tech Silly Olympiad. This is a five-day contest wherein members of the two opposing schools battle it out in the following events: Day One, competitive hide-and-seek; Day Two, obstacle course through Wenslydale Cheese House; Day Three, Metopian triathlon; Day Four, Disgusting Objects Competition and Largest Breast Judging; and Day Five, Open Mile. The winners through the years:
  • 1866-1942: Henkelbuttocks College
  • 1943: Weeniewagger College (made team consisting entirely of robots)
  • 1944-1976: Henkelbuttocks College
  • 1977: Weeniewagger College (by default as entire Henkelbuttocks Building was destroyed by an enrage Tyrannosaurus who had escaped from the local zoo)
  • 1978-2001: Henkelbuttocks College
  • 2002: Stualts Dlaft Univelsity (track legends Jim Won'tis and Bard Nilsson drove in and won contest single-handedly)
  • 2003: Henkelbuttocks College

    So as you can see the results have pretty much been split 50-50.

    Addax Labs

    The Weeniewagger College has incorporated with the local headquarters of Addax Labs, Ltd. to give students better learning experience and the oppurtunities to have their heads removed for medical experiments. Soon, Addax Labs will have their own web page detailing just exactly what they do.

    Addax Labs (coming soon)

    Tuition

    Full scholarships will be given to the first twenty girls to engage in certain acts with the dean (Dr. Emiel Puttamens-Quack) which will only be revealed once said girl is locked in his office. After that, tuition runs about $20 an hour.