Metopian Picayune Staff
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Like the Bahamas colors? No? Fuck you!!! Yea, if you don't like the Bahamas then get the hell out! Okay, now the moment you've all been waiting for....no, not an oral orgy, you perverts. It's the staff of the Metopian Picayune and Subsidiaries, Ltd.!!!!
Willie Wankah
Full Name: William Wentworth Wankah
Age:57
Years on Staff:58
Education: UM-Mercury City '59
Hobby: Collecting World War IV artifacts (sticks and stones)
Willie Wankah is the big boss man at the Metopian Picayune. Not only did he found the paper, build the headquarters in Mercury City, and slay a dragon with his bare hands, but he is also a junkie. He mainly writes national news and general interest stories. He is into spanners and porn, and has also murdered six people in the last three years. His favorite thing to do while on the job is to yell at everyone else to get their stories in by deadline so he can have money.
Frosty The Prevaricator
Full Name: Frostillicus (unknown middle and last names)
Age:49
Years on Staff:more than 5
Education: University of New Berlin '89
Hobby: Testicular mutilation
The most prolific writer for the Metopian Picayune, Frosty is still the lowest paid worker on the staff on account of a personal vendetta between himself and Scruffy the Janitor, who doubles as the guy in charge of paychecks. Frosty is a jack-of-all-trades when it comes to writing, he can write about sports, life, or even life. One day, Frosty will die, and the Lindsay Lohan will declare his undying love for you. Yeah, I meant to say "his." You'll see.
Carter "Different Nickname Everytime" McGavin
Full Name: Carter Brian "P.D.S." McGavin
Age:36
Years on Staff:less than 5
Education: Terminus Tech '94
Hobby: Oral orgies
Carter "Ulan-Bataar" McGavin was recently canned. This happens once a month. Expect him back on staff with a pay raise by next Tuesday.
Wu Man B. Terr
Full Name: Wu Man Bartrand Terr
Age:25
Years on Staff:greater than or equal to 5
Education: Empire of Metopia University '02
Hobby: Conspiracy theories
The Picayune's resident conspiarcy theorist, Terr specializes in tales of crazy nutjob happenings involving aliens and angry gods and "poulterghoosts" and that sort of thing. In his spare time he likes to get drunk and screw, as well as play co-ed naked Twister and SARS simultaneously. In closing, he would like to make several funny noises while jumping up and down in a basin full of mustard.
Dick Didnotwritethisstorybecauseitisstupidsofuckup-Bitch
Full Name: Richard Didnotwritethisstorybecauseitisstupidsofuckup-Bitch
Age:137
Years on Staff:probably 5
Education: none "College is for faggots!!"
Hobby: Trains, planes, and automobiles
Dick leads the Picayune staff in anger, ire, rage, and blind hatred, as well leading the staff MFL pool. Dick specializes in stories about ghost-men, but also has been known to challenge modern society into staying exactly the way it is. Also he likes to cause trouble just for fun. He also crashed Sir Vyborny's wedding to some bitch and stole the bride for himself, hence the addendum to his name. If there's one word he would use to describe himself, it would be "Dick Didnotwritethisstorybecauseitisstupidsofuckup-Bitch."
Jack-did-Jill
Full Name: Jackington-didious-Jillander
Age:42
Years on Staff:somewhere in the vicinity of 5
Education: Metopian National University '96
Hobby: Playing Army
Jack-did-Jill is our go-to guy whenever some celebrity/pink panda has just made an ass of himself on film. Our ultimate celebrity-destroyer, no one is safe from Jack's pen. In the past he has attacked Avril Lavigne and God, respectively. Meanwhile he is in the Metopian Imperial Guard on weekends. (Slogan: "We don't even have time to crack like boulders before we're back to our regular jobs as ratcatchers or chartered accounts.") On the plus side, he is the only memeber of the staff to have his own website. It has not been updated for a while.
Sigmund Froida
Full Name: Sigmund Froida
Age:68
Years on Staff:2.5
Education: Coastal College '21
Hobby: Psychology
The Metopian Picayune is proud to present our very own bogus psychologist! Sigmund doesn't actually work for the Picayune, but rather is a hobo who lives in our dumpster. In exchange for not taking him out with the trash (apart from those eight times when we accidentally did do that) he writes a semi-regular psychology column. He is definately the third-tallest writer we've got on staff, but is also the least popular. For a while he used to eat people, but then he got caught.
Jaroslav "Noodles" Fluoride
Full Name: Jaroslav Fluoride
Age:22
Years on Staff:37
Education: French Sixth Academy '00
Hobby: Punching jerks
A strict pacifist and racist, Jaro likes to beat people to death for mispronouncing his name, which in his insanity he believes is pronounced "Man-spit Zitang-spellerwaller." Jaroslav made headlines briefly in September 2003 with his coverage of Sir Salty Sam's anti-slacker movement (and Sir Byrun Sexxalought's subsequent loud whining movement) but his fame was short lived as he was killed in the violent upheaval that came with the invasion and taking-over of Metopia by A Jar of Apple Butter. For some reason, not only does he remain on the company payroll, but he continues his career as a journalist as well.
Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride
Full Name: Diphenhydramine Methochloroisothiazolinone Hydrochloride
Age:8
Years on Staff:1
Education: Metopia Elementary School 'yesterday
Hobby: Handing out Mardi Gras beads
The second-consecutive chemical-compound named member of our staff, and probably the best. Diphenhydram, as we like to call him, hails from Antigua, Barbados, and San Bernadino, California. Once there, he plans to initiate Mission Mary, which is to stop people from using cell phones in a crowded fire while riding a bicycle and reciting the Bhagavad Gita in ancient Greek. God save us all if he fails.
Jon Stuart Cleavage
Full Name: John Stuart Hurrah-for-Boobs Cleavage
Age:-5
Years on Staff:100,000,000
Education: Metopia Tech, '9 BC
Hobby: Being an idiot
Jon Stuart Cleavage is an idiot. I mean, his official mental designation is "idiot." This makes him our staff scholar.
B.G. Jack Teddy
Full Name: "Bitopian Glory" Jackson Theodore
Age:25
Years on Staff:405
Education: Bitopian National University 'A7
Hobby: Bitopian jingoism
B.G. is an on-staff intern from Channel Three News over in the fledgling nation of Bitopia. All his stories are filled with very obvious Bitopian nationalism, and he is not well trusted amongst the other writers because not only does he always wear a T-shirt that reads "Fuck Metopia, Hurrah Bitopia", but he is also the second cousin of the vicious Jar Of Apple Butter that successfully overthrew the Metopian government for a month in late 2003.
Jean-Luc Grand Pierre
Full Name: Jean-Luc Grand Pierre
Age:Unknown
Years on Staff:12
Education: Fuck School College '04
Hobby: Playing in the NHL (not this year)
In addition to being a professional hockey player, Jean-Luc is our staff photographer. He takes pictures. One time he took this phrase literally and stole "Whistler's Mother" from the museum. Also his name is French for John-Luke Big Peter. Either way, his teammate Espen Knutsen once killed a fan when he errantly shot the puck into the stands. Sweeeeeeeet.
Well that was fun. I hope you enjoyed the Bahamas colors. If not, click here, asshole.
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