The Inter-Empire War

War has broken out all across the Metopian Empire and the region of Antarctiana! The war began officially on February 18, 2005, but the chain of events that led to the outbreak goes back much further. But first, Softcore Pornography.

Done with that? OK, you sick freaks. Second, a discussion of the entities involved.

Or go straight into the Battles Section (updated 3-27-05).

The Allies

The Allied Powers (Anti-Metopian Alliance) of the Inter-Empire War are a collection of nations, colonies, and groups that really dislike the Metopian Empire. Although some of them do not like each other very much either, they have set aside their differences to accomplish their common goal: the utter destruction of the Empire of Metopia.

The Nazi Regime of New Isanad



National Motto: "Apple Butter über alles!"
War Motto: "Sic Semper Tyrannis, my ass!"
Government: Nazi Dictatorship (potential)

As some of you may remember, a vicious Jar of Apple Butter was able to singlehandedly overthrow the entire Metopian government for a month in late 2003. The Empire's name was changed to Isanad, and the land entered a new golden age under the delicious dictator. Luckily, our famously inept leaders were able to capture and devour the tasty tyrant and oust the Isanadian regime. Unfortunately, not all of the confection was eaten. Although he Jar destroyed, what was left of the scrumptious spread found a new container, and now the newly christened Priceless 14th Century Ming Vase of Apple Butter has returned to wreak havoc on the Empire.


Priceless 14th Century Ming Vase of Apple Butter

This new Apple-Butterian threat commands a magnificent army of toast, peanut butter, and Neo-Nazi returners. This is a new development in the Apple Butter saga as the original Jar of Apple Butter was not a Nazi but a post-Communist Kleptocrat.


The Principality of Saxony



National Motto: "We're better than Swabia."
War Motto: "We will run bravely into battle!"
Government: Feudal Princehood

The principality of Saxony is a very hostile nation, one that has been attacking Metopia since it gained its independence in 2002. The war between the two has been waged on and off since then, and so far Saxony is getting its fucking ass kicked. This is due widely to the death of the great Saxon general Ferdy "Ferdinand" Neptarsson and his replacement by Malvolio and Rayina, two horrible cowards.


From Left, Malvolio, Rayina, and a cheap American prostitute

The Saxons are an old-school warrior nation, and their army consists entirely of infantry. They do not believe in war animals or vehicles, but they have almost one million ground troops consisting of swordsmen, pikemen, huskarls, archers, riflemen, snipers, jannisarries, and one guy fights with a rolled up picture of Colin Ferrel. No one knows what he is doing.


The Wannabe Empire of Kratopia



National Motto: "Metopia for stoners."
War Motto: "War? We're going to war?!?"
Government: Constitutional Anarchy

Kratopia is a tropical island just northeast of the main island of Metopia. At first, Kratopia was a colony of Metopia, as decided in the One Day War (October 4, 2003.) After a while, the leader Sir Samuel "Salty Sam" Selivanov decided that it was time to break away and form his own constitutional anarchy. Metopia and Kratopia fought a war over that and finally the Metopians got Kratopia back after convincing the Kratopian public that it was silly to be ruled by a man who can barely spell his own name right, and that was just because he got lucky one time. This new war marks Kratopia's third try at independence. The major problem with the Kratopian war effort is that Kratopian head honcho, Sir Salty Sam, is clinically insane. Not only does he believe that he is being death-stalked by a trio consisting of Madden Football A.I., a pizza boy known only as "WARRENZ", and the Trix Rabbit, but he also has put most of the money that was supposed to go towards fighting Metopia into his new plan to declare and wage war on the sky.


Kratopian leader Sir Samuel "Salty Sam" Selivanov (theories abound as to whether this is actually Sam, or if he just has a strange mental ilness which causes him to only take pictures when crouching behind an alligator.)

Kratopia's army is the Kratopian Legion, the world's least fearsome fighting force. They are well known for their heavy artillery, tanks, armored cars, and giant anime robots. They use these heavily armored vehicles because they are too scared to come out and fight normally. One time, the entirety of the Legion was defeated by a young Spanish girl armed with a single cookie.


Republic of the Philippines



National Motto: "Wait, there's really a country called 'the Philippines'?"
War Motto: "Hahaha...'pines.'
Government: Colony of Kratopia

The Philippines, once a proud and independant nation, were violently taken over by Kratopia in June of 2004. They are now a colony of the arnarchic fuckers over there in Pukeland. Surprisingly, the Filpinos were grateful to be ruled by Kratopia. "We are grateful to be ruled by Kratopia," said their former leader, Albatross Vinxit. "You don't realize how hard it was to deal with all the 'pines-penis' jokes," stated Filipenis resident Micronesia W. Spitbucket. The Philippines fought beside Kratopia in the War for Kratopian ('Independence' or 'Subservience', depending on who you're talking to), but were defeated. Part of the armistice agreement was that Kratopia still got the Phillipines, and now the allies are fighting together once more. The Filipino arm of the Kratopian military is led by Kratopian Commander Ryan Binky.


Commander Ryan Binky, decorated soldier and setter for Lenoir-Rhyne men's volleyball

The Filipino army consists mostly of monkeys and the brave men who train and feed those monkeys. Occasionally, the Filipinos will use their well-honed magic powers to summon a giant earwig. This usually has an adverse effect on their war efforts.


The Monster Army of Multindra


National Motto: "You know who to go after!" (to be screamed loudly while foaming at the mouth)
War Motto: "PACK ATTACK!" (the same)
Government: N/A

Multindra is a seven-headed monster of nightmares. It's powers are said to be so great that they approach omnipotence. OK, so at various times Sir Vyborny, Sir Lightstone, and Sir Fartlek have defeated them without much effort, but everytime that happens, this beast makes a comeback. Multindra is based on Multindra Island, south of Metopia in the island chain of Mediocre Antilles.


The demon-beast Multindra was unavailable for photograph, because he ate the last three photographers we sent.

Multindra is but one of the horrible monsters that make up his army. More than one hundred creatures of nightmares fight behind him, including the Dragon of Metope Cay, the Chicken of Bristol, Omega Weapon, and Chachka the Death-Faerie.


Bear


National Motto: "Rawr."
War Motto: "RAAWWWRR!"
Government: Military State (potential)

Bear is...well, a bear. A kodiak bear to be exact. Bear made his first attempt at taking over Metopia during the 2004 Dictatorial Election season, when he tried to get the people of Metopia to vote him into the spot of Dictator-For-Life over the incumbent Sir Schottenfroida. Bear took second out of eight in the race and so his attempts at taking the Empire legally were dashed, although he did manage to garner Sir Schottenfroida's own vote. Now that this whole war type deal has started up, Bear decided that this would be the perfect way to fulfill his dreams of taking over the world, starting with the small turd-shaped nation of Metopia. His assistant commander is one Contents of Bear. This used to be the super death assassin Copyright At, but he changed his name when Bear ate him.


Bear in classic form.

Bear and Contents of Bear command a newly-formed army of 10,000 fire-breathing elephants.


The Imperials

The Imperials consist of Metopia and her allies. When the second coming of Apple Butter was announced, Metopia and her friends immediately took up arms. Well, actually they all tried to run away, but eventually they all banded together to bravely draw up their plan of action. Then, they surrendered. Finally, they got their act together and started fighting, for real this time.

The Empire of Metopia


National Motto: "Noli proculcare ranas nisi auctoritas habes." (Do not stomp on frogs without a permit.)
War Motto #1: "Committerens in nomine honis, animi, et frumento ientacalum pudentis." (Fighting in the name of courage, honor, and a decent breakfast cereal.)
War Motto #2: "The Apple Butter thing was just a fluke. Really. Honestly!"
Government: Socialist Dictatorship


The Empire of Metopia has been forced to deal with many threats over the years. Usually, they deal with these threats very badly, but somehow make it out alive in the end. At various times in their brief history, Metopia has fought a war against every single one of the Allies listed above. Now with all of them joined together, Metopia found it necessary to take in some allies of their own. Metopia is represented in battle by the Emiratic Order of the Knights of Bohemia, and is commanded by Sir Schottenfroida and Sir Vyborny Selivanov (brother of the Kratopian leader.)


Sir Schottenfroida doing what he does best.


Sir Vyborny has PR's of 3:52.65 (1500m), 8:11.42 (3000m), and 14:27.32 (5000m). He is seen here being annoying at an orgy a party.

 The Bohemian Knights are an elite band of soldiers who are not afraid to die for their country, except Sir Alarmallard who is extremely afraid to die for his country. These heavily armored knights ride their addaxes into battle. They are supported by a full army, navy, and air force. All three of these are poorly run.


The Imperial Colony of Bitopia


National Motto: "We're back, fuckers!"
War Motto: "Yahar, yo-ho, and other phrases!"
Government: Free-loading Piracracy

Bitopia was colonized shortly after Kratopia. Unlike the bleeding asshats in Kratopia, the Bitopians have remained loyal to the motherland for their entire existence. This is because Metopia has been buying them off with pepper jack cheese. When Bitopia was under attack by the new Apple Butter regime, the Metopian leaders repayed Bitopia's loyalty by immediately telling them that they were on their own and taking a plane to Zanzibar. A few days later, their consciences got the better of them and they decided to help them out after all. At one point, Bitopia was completely destroyed by a radioactive gorilla named Brian, but thanks to the pluck and tenacity of the Bitopian people, Brian was able to suffer from a fatal heart attack. Bitopia entered a new age of glory and giant piles of monkey shit in the streets.


Sir Yyunh, leader of Bitopia in all facets: politics, military, and the exportation of prostitutes.

The Bitopian Legion currently consists of Yyunh and no one else. For now, Yyunh has constructed an army of dummies with tape recorders to stand in for the real army, but they are of poor quality.


Mexico


National Motto: "Why were their only 500 Mexicans at the Battle of the Alamo?"
War Motto: "Because they only brought one truck."
Government: Democratic Republic

The Metopians bloodlessly conquered Mexico through creative cartography in early 2004. This means we own them. Metopia's representative leader is the famous Mexican Bob.


Mexican Bob. Not King. Mexican Bob.

Mexican Bob is just one of a number of Bobs who fight together in the Mexican army. Also here include: the original Hurricane Bob, the misnomer Buffalo Bob, the nutty Baghdad Bob, the easygoing Anti-Bob, and the utter fucking dumbass Security Bob. Sideshow Bob was unavailable for military duties because he is a trademarked character and he sued us for legal action. Similar results came when we tried to recruite Bob Marley and Bob Dylan.


Republic of Albania


National Motto: "Bosnia-Herzegovina for stoners."
War Motto: "You Metopians! Get the hell out of our country!"
Government: Constitutional Monarchy

Albania has been associated with Metopia ever since Sir Schottenfroida sent Sir Xanatos Blackthorn on a fruitless mission to find the legendary sword Excalibur there. The ties between the two countries were made closer during the 2004 dictatorial elections. The voting precincts in and around Hiriz City refused to send in their results on Election Night, so the Metopian government sold that region to Albania. After the war started and Albania realized that their overseas holding could be threatened, they immediately jumped into the middle of things.


This is Albanian Prime Minister Fatos Nano. He is extremely unpleasant and a total bore to listen to. Also, he's got siphylis.

Albania has an army of about 500,000 soldiers of varying specialities. Also, in keeping with recent tradition, the United States has sent troops to fight with them.


Ohio


National Motto: "E Pluribus Unum." (Out of the many, a government of complete fucking idiots.)
War Motto: "And this one belongs to the Reds!"
Government: Uhh, a U.S. State...

After the capital of the United States of America was moved from Washington D.C. to Cincinnati in March 2004, the state of Ohio became a real bunch of self-important head-cases. They started going out and declaring war and making laws and acting like their own country. During one of their sprees of grandeur, they signed an eternal pact of allegiance with Metopia. The first use of this pact was during the War of Kratopian Subservience, when Ohio helped to put down the Kratopian rebellion. Now the treaty has been invoked again as Metopia is being attacked by a nazi breadspread.


Ohian military leader and two-time MLB all-star Adam Dunn (right field.)

Ohio's army is their division of the U.S. National Guard. Metopia has improved them by giving them all laser cannons and stuff.


The Pirates of Barbados


National Motto: "Let's rape some dogs!"
War Motto: "Let's rape some more dogs!"
Government: Dog Rapocracy

The Pirates of Barbados are a group of gangsters from the Carribean who travel the high seas while raping dogs. You think I'm kidding. In the War of Kratopian Subservience, Bitopia hired the Pirates to help them in their quest to annoy the piss out of the real combatants. They did this disgustingly well, but were eventually defeated. Soldiers of fortune, they hold no alleigence to any nation but fight for the highest bidder. By fight, I mean they rape dogs. In the Inter-Empire War, the highest bidder is once again Bitopia, and the Pirates of Barbados will bravely fight while...oh Christ, fuck it. I can't write about these perverts anymore!


Dogbeard the Questionable, captain of the Pirates of Barbados. He rapes dogs.

The pirates are mostly a naval power. They have one main ship, The Dogfucker, but also a small fleet of support ships. On land they are also quite vicious as they are trained in many forms of armed combat and they have trained their dogs to be quite violent in battle, when they aren't being raped that is.


The Other Guys

Much like the War for Kratopian (Independence/Subservience), the Inter-Empire War also features a collective of weird groups who have banded together to come in and annoy the piss out of the real armies. This time though, it looks like these guys might actually pose a real threat.

The Constitutional Monarchy of Mars


National Motto: "Earth for stoners."
War Motto: "Oooohhoohhooo, space people!"
Government: Constitutional Monarchy

As the Inter-Empire War started, it just so happened that an army of Martians had just begun their invasion of Earth, starting, e'er so conveniently enough, with this weird turd-shaped island. These guys and their crazy laser beams and anal probes are sure to drastically effect the outcome of this shit, along with their allies who are secretly Martians also.


Vyndarg Trygvesson is the Military Commander for Mars. She is a total MCILF.

 The Martian Invasion Squadron are overstocked with like a billion spaceships, lasers, tractor beams, anal probes, missiles, and all kinds of crazy shit. Don't tell anyone that they are vulnerable to old lettuce. Also hats.


The Detroit Pistons


National Motto: "NBA Champions, baby!"
War Motto: "Who the fuck threw that?"
Government: Colony of NBA

The Detroit Pistons are a group of highly irritible, overpaid jackasses. Therefore they must be Martians. By the distributive property, that means they've joined the Martians in their conquest for total world domination. You might say that this makes no sense. You might say that I did not use the distributive property back there. You are free to go fuck yourself.


Ben Wallace, third most violent player in the NBA.

The Pistons' military might consists of about 11 or 12 large men, a few coaches, some trainers, and an overall bad attitude. Bill Laimbeer has been rumored to have returned to their side. What a jerk.


70's and 80's Band, Journey


National Motto: "Any way you want it, that's the way you need it..."
War Motto: "All night, all night..."
Government: Get Drunk and Screw (-ocracy)

Journey was a famous band in the '70s and '80s. They had a few good songs, but the important thing is that they are aliens. They were just biding their time before the Martian Invasion which is taking place...right now!


Steve Augeri is gay.

Journey has like four or five guys in it. That's their army. That, and Avril Lavigne. She joined Journey too. She isn't an alien but she thinks they're cool.


Avril Lavigne joined Journey and the Martians, mostly for the money.


OK, but how the hell did this all come about?!?

What? Shut up! Go away! ...Oh alright, fine I'll tell you. Yeah, you're happy, now shut up.

Or go straight into the Battles Section (again.) (updated 3-27-05).

Le Linus de Thyme (Before the War)

August 2002

  • The island of Metopia gains its independence from Saxony when Sir Freddie Mercury (later to become Sir Schottenfroida) declares himself emperor. The Saxon-Metopian War begins immediately.

    September 2002

  • The Metopians win the Battle of Blandenton against the Saxons and their allies, the Swabians.
  • The monster Multindra lands at the newly christened Multindra Island and starts killing shit.

    October 2002

  • The heroic Sir Lightstone sends Multindra back from whence it came.
  • Metopia defeats Saxony and Swabia in the Battle of Froida.

    November 2002

  • Metopia defeats Saxony in the Battle of Terminus, Saxony and Swabia retreat to their homelands.

    December 2002

  • Sirs Vyborny and Schottenfroida screw trees people.

    January 2003

  • On the now famous All Hell's Day, the monster army of Multindra invades southern Metopia.

    February 2003

  • Multindra owns most of southern Metopia for a week until the heroic Sir Vyborny defeats the bastard in single combat.
  • A few scattered battles occur between the Metopians and Multindra, but eventually the monster and its army are sent back from whence they came.

    March 2003

  • Saxony and Swabia invade Metopia again, but the Swabians are quickly defeated and sent back. Saxony will take some more defeating.

    April 2003

  • The Wilson Chapter of the Bohemian Knights secedes from the Knights. A war starts amongst Metopian nobility as everyone who is anyone takes up a side with either the Loyalists or the Wilsonites.
  • Saxony beats Metopia in the Battle of Addax.

    May 2003

  • Sir Vyborny repels another assault by Multindra.
  • Sir Byrun Sexxalought leads the Metopian Air Force to victory against the "Almighty Wilson Union" in a violent battle over Queens. Thus ends the Wilson War. This marked the last time Sir Byrun Sexxalought did anything useful, ever.
  • Metopia beats Saxony in the Battle of Stualts Dlaft, sends the fuckers back to their homeland again.

    June-August 2003

  • Metopia finally enjoys some fucking peace.

    September 2003

  • Sir Vyborny leads the Bohemian Knights in a stunning defeat of Multindra at Baden Hill. The Knights sucessfully seal the beast in a cave of Liberace lookalikes on Multindra Island.
  • A vicious Jar of Apple Butter sucessfully and singlehandedly overthrows the entire Metopian government. For the next month, the nation is renamed Isanad. A war now begins between the Isanadian Imperialists and the Metopian Returners.
  • Sir Salty Sam and the pirate Johnny Red found and colonize Kratopia.

    October 2003

  • On Oct 2nd, Sirs Schottenfroida, Vyborny, and Ironhorse break through the Isanadian line and capture the evil Jar of Apple Butter. Metopia is returned to its former glory and the Knights devour the delicious despot at an official ceremony.
  • Oct 4th: the One Day War between Metopia and Kratopia. Kratopia attempts to become an independant nation, but is defeated at the Battle of Jacksoffville, the only battle of the war.

    November 2003

  • The Knights of Bohemia get word that Saxony is planning an invasion of Metopia. The Knights take an army across the Strait of Saxony to perform a pre-emptive strike. It ends in tragedy as all self-respecting Metopians should know.

    December 2003

  • Sir Neptars and Sir Ironhorse join the Saxon side and lay seige to Mercury City. Luckily, the Metopians save the day, but it is a Pyrrhic victory.

    January 2004

  • Kratopia rings in the new year by declaring it's independence yet again. This one lasts a long time.
  • Metopia conquers Mexico through diplomacy and creative cartography.

    February 2004

  • Bitopia is founded. So is the Republic of Cangro, which has so far remained neutral in all these conflicts.
  • Metopia signs an eternal alliance with the U.S. state Ohio.

    March-May 2004

  • The War for Kratopian (Subservience/Independence) continues on Kratopian soil.

    June 2004

  • Bitopia joins the war against Kratopia, but not on Metopia's side or on Kratopia's. They also bring in the Pirates of Barbados.
  • Kratopia, who has conquered the Philippines, brings them into the war as well.
  • Metopia invokes its alliance with Ohio to bring them into the war.
  • With six large armies fighting on three sides, the War in Kratopia winds up killing an exorbitant amount of people. Finally, all sides but Metopia and Ohio lie defeated, and Kratopia is a colony once more, though Kratopia is allowed to keep control over the Philippines because Sir Schottenfroida sure as hell doesn't want them.

    July 2004

  • A brief series of battles with Swabia. Swabia is embarrassed on the battlefield.

    August 2004

  • At the end of the month, the demonic beast Multindra breaks loose from its cave of Liberace guys and attempts to attack Metopia again.

    September 2004

  • At the Second Battle of Baden Hill, Sirs Fartlek and Lightstone lead the outnumbered Knights in an upset victory over the Multindra Army, but they are unable to reseal the bastard in his cave of Liberace folk.

    October 2004

  • Bear and Contents of Bear (formerly Copyright At) enter the Dictatorial Election in an attempt to take over Metopia.
  • Bitopia is laid to ruins by a radioactive gorilla that escaped from Addax Labs.

    November 2004

  • Sir Schottenfroida casts his vote in the election for Bear, in what is surely his eighth-most self-destructive moment to date.

    December 2004

  • Despite his best efforts to vote himself out of office, Sir Schottenfroida wins the dictatorial election over Bear.
  • Rumors start to fly in that the Apple Butter was not entirely eaten a year ago.
  • Sir Shizerdick declares a pre-emptive strike on Santa Claus. St. Nick proves too tricky for him and escapes. Shizerdick vows revenge on Easter Bunny.

    January 2005

  • Unbeknownst to Metopia: Saxony, Kratopia, New Isanad, Multindra, and Bear are all simultaneously gathering for an assualt on Metopia.

    February 2005

  • Sir Robin of the Bohemian Knights discovers a cave which houses the new Priceless 14th Century Ming Vase of Apple Butter while on tour of the newly rebuilt Bitopia. All hell breaks loose.
  • All of Metopia's enemies band together to form the Anti-Metopian Alliance. The Apple Butter regime lays siege to the Bitopian capital of Bitsberg. In response, Metopia and her allies declare their support for Bitopia and the Inter-Empire War begins.
  • Mars, the Detroit Pistons, and the band Journey all join the war. Damn, man.

    Battles of the Inter-Empire War (updated 3-27-05.) Check back soon for further announcements as the war progresses!...or something.