Man, I'll bet you're just sick to death of the color changes, aren't you? Well tough titty!!! Hahahaha!!!! Hic! Anyhow, we now present the real meat and cheese of this election 2004 section of this site: the candidates. Here you'll find a brief list of each candidate's beliefs and ideals. For now, you may only read about them to become informed, then next week we'll allow you to vote on each of the races. Isn't that nice?

Here's how the charts work:

County

District

Candidate's Name (Their Party)

-Candidate's former occupation-

Issue candidate believes in

Issue #2

Well you get the general idea, now on to the candidates.

Western County

Terminus District

Mortimer Xavier (Sensible)

-General Practitioner-

Enact finance reform

End abortion

Improve Medicare

Zed Q. Octopus (Silly)

-Signpost-

No more traffic lights

"Parrots" should win MFL title

Jarrod Thomas (Irrelevant)

-Running shoe store clerk-

Force Vybolnian Engrish on foreign school-children

Eat more cheese

Eat less cheese

Isn't very important (irrelevant)

Central District

Gerald Arthur Fitzpatrick (Sensible)

-Millionaire-

No more gay marriage

Disband the Silly Party

Marquis du San Juan Nepal (Silly)

-Professional wrestler-

Peace

Harmony

Bashing two bricks together

Kevin Phillips-Bong (Slightly Silly)

-Very bad politician-

Help the lower classes

Raise the gold standard

Put pink hats on telephone poles

Ironhorse County

Ironhorse District

James J. Jameson (Sensible)

-Salvation Army owner-

Help the homeless

Free houses for the poorest 5% of population

Cancel Hobo Hunt '04

T.K. Wangpuncher Smith (Silly)

-Duck strangler-

Form the League of Extraordinary Parrots

Form the League of Dead Indians Lying Around in Theatres

Increase amounts of dung

Hurricane Bob (Republican)

-Landscaper-

Kill the Towelheads

Kill the tree-huggers

Fuck the Taliban

GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!!

Augusta County

Augusta District

Bard Nilsson (Sensible)

-3:55 Miler-

Lower taxes

Build a track stadium in Stualts Dlaft

Expose the Jar of Apple Butter fraud

Julius "Snapper" Pigdicker (Silly)

-History professor at Cal Poly-FAST-

Get rid of the legislative branch

Burn down all the forests

Remove indigo from the visible light spectrum

Adam Riley (Annoying)

-Sk8r Boi-

Promote the "Not Normal Olympics" which features such events as the 400 meter dash for people who drive slow in the fast lane, the 4x4 swimming medley for people who can't actually swim, the 5,000 meter run for people who can't go for more than three minutes at a time without watching a porn, and the high jump for people with ED.

Generally be annoying as possible whilst online.

YANK MY YOOHOO!!!!!11!!11!!1

Fartlek County

Fartlek District

Michael Devin Fishefese IV (Sensible)

-Military Academy Owner-

Give all your money to me

Support the War in Kratopia

Kill the blighters!

Hooter Stumpfuck (Silly)

-Pencil farmer-

Give the farmers a voice (Because he ripped out their vocal chords in 1987)

Support humorous undergarments

MacBastard the Plaid (Stone Dead)

-Wilson Union rebel-

Support the dead

Raise the dead

Help me, I'm dead!!!

Spalding District

Gerard MacKenzie (Sensible)

-Menswear shop owner-

Racism

Sexism

Botulism

Brian D. Undergarments (Silly)

-Part-time sandwich artist-

Make it illegal to push people, jump through the air, or run less than one mile at time.

Make Parcheezi the national pastime

Legalize child molestation

Ignore that last item

No really, I didn't mean it

Honest!

Snowball St. John (Questionable)

-Porn Star-

Legalize prostitution

Except on Sundays

Then it's free

Blowjobs for everyone who votes for her

But then......

West Bohemia County

Bohemia District

Brian Rathburn (Sensible)

-Hockey player-

Raise airport taxes

Cut airplane maintainence

Against a woman's right to choose (which pants to wear)

Lexie F. A. K. E. I. N. I. T. I. A. L. S. Pratt (Silly)

-Professional cricketer-

Ducks must wear dress pants and ties

National parks should be converted to cross-country courses

Throw mincemeat at small children

Frederick Malcolm Singer Sassafrass Emory Oglethorpe Lynch Laver Frikstein Overbold Deviant Nicklespree Whoop-whoop Osprey Excrement Tyger Tyger Burning Bright Stardust Weinerhead Fecetious Public Enemy Outkast Sucks So Does Linkin Park Smythe W. Elsie Graham Chapman Jones (Completely Insane)

-Horse whisperer-

Proponent of mud and teeth

Play chess

Screw

Lafaire County

Lafaire District

Dom Vick (Sensible)

-Marriage Counselor-

Lower car tax

Support Rhodesia

Spend 10,000,000,000 M¥ to fight crime

Timuchen Dogbreath (Silly)

-Mongol raider-

Make horses the dominant race on Earth by eating all the dolphins

Build a giant wooden badger

D'Accord District

Phineas Ralston (Sensible)

-Political consultant-

Increase prison funds

Decrease prison funds

I can't make up my mind

A Nude Man (Silly)

-Clothed man-

Ban thongs

Fix the mouse problem

No clothes for the poor (or the rich)

Homme d'la Batte District

Lady Marie (Sensible)

-Person in the skald-

Kill Sir Neptars, the lying, cheating, fuck

Bring me that nice boy Corpulence who came to my place in Akt Wun, Skean Sefen

Laugh at my bad jokes

$hawn Wheeler (Silly)

-Kroger clerk guy-

Punch that one guy

Whores for everyone under 12

And over 13

Wear more black

Put a money sign in everyone's name, even if there's no "S" in them

Fuck off

Allen AlalalaAlalalaAlalalaAlalalaAlalalaAlalalaAlalalaAlalalaAlalala (Very Silly)

-Allen Da Fawn worshipper-

Change every citizen's name to Bryn Deegan

Even the ladies

Especially the ladies

Except for the fat ones

Replace Christmas with Group Masturbation Day

Make every day Group Masturbation Day

Except for Group Masturbation Day, make that Christmas

Selivanov

Hiriz District

Scott Jones (Sensible)

-Band Leader-

Stop Gang Violence

Enact tougher anti-drug laws

Stricter pollution laws

Relaxed censorship laws

Mr. Emily Contagious (Silly)

-Hiriz City sheriff-

Ban the Segway

Ban the subway

Ban Arbor Day

Eat corn, collect fire hydrants, rape horned toads (africa poisons)

Clayton Wisely (Annoying)

-Daredevil-bitch-

Let's like shove mayo in a girl's ass during sex

Also let's dispose of used condoms by grinding them up and serving them in lunch meat to the "special kids"

Let's then like get in this big-ass canoe and slide down a hill and break our sternums

Here's the most annoying thing in the world: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONTHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUXAYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWANK!

Selivanov District

Wolfgang Amadeus Blitzen (Sensible)

-Another hockey player-

Replace the gold standard with a silver standard

Increase medical spending over the next 20 years

Put a Metopian (preferably Salty Sam) on the moon by 2016

Joe Breasts (Silly)

-man w/ funny name-

Replace the gold standard with a silver standard

Replace that with a bronze standard

Replace that with a platinum standard

Screw it all and make old Powerade bottles acceptable as legal tender

Brad O'Neil (Completely Idiotic)

-Long distance superstar-

Paint all elephants psychadelically

Give all psychics elephantitis

Make Metopia the 17th leading nation in the southern hemisphere

Find out what a hemisphere is

Make the faggots at school realize that cross country and track are far superior to such gay sports as football, baseball, basketball, volleyball, wrestling, soccer, softball, cheerleading, etc...

Find out what a faggot is

Surgically attach himself to Michael Clifton (Fort Defiance Party)

Help Hurricane Bob and/or Jarrod Thomas score with that Hidden Valley chick

Get people to take a look at this.

Froida

Mercury District

Geraldine Franklin (Sensible)

-Movie star-

Support the war on terrorism

Remove all pornographic materials from the public

End the war with Kratopia

Give Kratopia its independence

Jill Foreal (Silly)

-Torturer and part time birdbox-

Flogging Day is every Tuesday night back at her place

Give Kratopia its independence then bomb then bomb the crap out of it

Magellan W. Skillet-for-Brains (Very Silly)

-House haunter/pussy killer/roach eater-

Make every day of the week Friday and have a constant state of orgy in the streets wherein the women take on the dominant roles except between the hours of 4 and 6 am wherein animals are introduced at 50% off and fish can be used at 25% off wholesale value so long as it is kept in a small brown paper bag and resuscitated every time it gets eaten by the cat

Froida District

Sigmund Froida (Sensible)

-Psychiatrist-

Support the Metopian Psychiatric Society (annual fund drive is only a month away!)

Ban the teaching of creative capital punishment in Divison I and II universities.

Make you all realize you secretly want to fuck your mom

Build a statue of me in Froida's town triangle

Two Men Tied Together with String (Silly)

-two men not tied together with string-

Introduce capital punishment in the MFL, for instance: any player who commits Holding or Intential Grounding will be hanged, though electrocution will remain the standard procedure for Roughing the Passer

Make string the national flower of Metopia

Also the national bird, tree, bug, and anthem

Campaign motto: "Hey, why not?"

John "St. Thomas Aquinas" Fangoria-Ginseng-Hell-to-Pay-but-not-till-Yesterday (Very Silly)

-preist-

Everybody get naked and then kill every third person you see by slicing their head off with a pair of nailscissors and at 11:36 pm on Tuesday, January 29th, those still alive must get in a helicopter and fire heat-seeking missiles at each other until no one is left alive. Bam! No more drug problem!

East Bohemia County

East Bohemia District

Willie J. Robinson III (Sensible)

-Video gamer and Disturbed listener-

Run a nasty campaign full of slander instead of issues, as follows:

Gideon Fortescue-Hash is a prick

He's an idealistic old bastard with no real moral standards and furthermore he's probably a Nazi

He also thinks that he, a professional decathlete, can change the world

What a moron

Oh, and also I want to lower motor taxes while decreasing military spending

Gideon Fortescue-Hash (Silly)

-Professional decathlete-

Bring back hanging and invest in rope

Bring back swords and invest in steel

Punch Mr. Robinson for being a jackass

Make fun of his name for resembling the slang for a banana

Excuse me, not a banana, but a penis

Turn our music into a highly trained, elite squadron of F-5 Supersonic jets armed with the latest in air-surface missiles which will wipe your sorry ass off the face of the earth

Howard Dean (Very Silly)

-guy who seriously thought he could beat Kerry or Edwards, haha!-

We're gonna take California!

And Oregon!

And Texas!

And Washington!

And Pennsylvania!

And then we're gonna take Mercury City and show these bastards what we're made of!

Yee-haw!!

Central Bohemia District

Aaron Aaronson (Sensible)

-Alliteration expert at Metopia Tech-

Fund alliteration projects all over the nation

Do not let Kratopia secede from the Empire

Zachary Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzra (Silly)

-Alliteration student at Metopia Tech-

Stamp out alliteration whereever it is found

Let Kratopia secede from the Empire

Coastal Bohemia District

A Respected Government Official (Sensible)

-Respected government official-

Form a space program, but keep it secondary to earthly matters

Colonize the ocean floor in the name of Metopia

Keep Kratopia in the Empire

Invade the United States

His Wife (Silly)

-wife of a respected government official-

Do not form a space program, but don't worry about earthly matters either

Colonize only a bit of the ocean floor and then give it to Kratopia

Let Kratopia leave the Empire

Invade the United States (only thing they ever agreed on)

Addax County

Addax District

An Clinton (Sensible)

-Addax-centurion-

Cheaper labor and less union power

More government funding for scientific progress

Increased support for the fact that he has the lower half of an addax and the upper half of a man

George Addax (Silly)

-a pink addax-

Less funding for scientific experiments (no more pink addaxes!)

Increased understanding for the fact that his brother is An Clinton and he had two dads, George Clinton, the famous singer, and an Addax

More grass to be eaten by me

George Clinton (Guns & Dope)

-Singer/Stoner-

Shoot weed and smoke guns

Excuse me, reverse that

Make sure no one finds out I fathered, with a male addax, a pink addax and an addax-centurion

Especially that I was the female

Ibex District

An Addax (Sensible)

-ordinary everyday addax-

Increased funding for the arts

Less tolerance for juvenile deliquency

Let the world know about my two sons by the famous singer George Clinton

Jonathan Will-Bill-Phil-Kill-Skill-Trill-Swill (Silly)

-Yoga teacher-

20 bucks to anyone who can think up a better name

Coastal County

Coastal District

Fritz Feyermeier (Sensible)

-German teacher at Costa Del Sol High School-

Increased tolerance

Less race prejudice and sterner measures to prevent it

Isolate Metopia from outside society

Do not export our running shoes anymore

Jansen Fansen Greatsnickerwunderschnapps (Silly)

-Famous ratcatcher and Elvis impersonator-

Instant execution for anyone who has an online diary wherein they complain about everything

Instant execution for people who drive really fucking slow in areas where the speed limit is very slow but they still piss you off anyone

Instant apothesization for everyone else

Damnation Hell Fucknuts (Pissed Off)

-Rioter, hitman, and all around prick-

Blow up Mercury City

Blow up Metopia

Blow up the world

Or at least form a shitty band like Disturbed

Bryan Smythé (Not Particularly Silly)

-Silly party wannabe-

Throw fresh meats and cheeses at people who couldn't normally afford them

Put girrafes in public lavatories...so people don't have to reach for that hard-to-get toilet paper

Please can I be in the Silly Party?!?! PLEASE???

Del Sol District

Gen. Wesley Clark (Sensible)

-U.S. Army General-

Everything he says is 100% correct. Vote for him!!!

dnL Man (Silly)

-Superhero and pro athlete-

Make a dnL flavored sports drink

Just make dnL a sports drink

Officialy declare that dnL won the Soda Contest last May, not this undecided shit!

Remember that I took a vow of silence on the Book of Cheese back in August, and...oh fuck!

Kratopia

Kratopia District

Garfield A. Hayes (Sensible)

-Combo-president-

Do NOT free Kratopia!!!

Don't do it!!!

NEVER!!!

Cullen "The Cat's Meow" O'Neil (Silly)

-Bum-

Free Kratopia!!!

Do it!!!

NOW!!!

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