2004 Dictatorial Elections
Final election returns!
Transcript of the Dictatorial Debate held on October 23, 2004
Yes, it's time now for the people of Metopia to get off their lazy asses and make their voices heard!! The Metopian Electoral Board (not to be confused with the Erectoral Board, which is nothing more than a thinly veiled excuse to have legal prostitution and is headed up by Hurricane "Buffalo" Bob) has announced that Sir Schottenfroida's term as dictator has ended and that the people will now vote for dictator. This is not a decision to be taken lightly by the Metopian populace. You must all remember that whomever you elect will not only have complete and utter power over all branches of government, but will also, in essence, own you and everything you hold dear.
Candidates for Dictator-For-Life of the Empire of Metopia
Major Party Candidates
Like certain countires (who we swear to God we didn't know about when we did this) Metopia operates under a two party system. Here is information on the two major candidates for the position of Dictator-for-Life.
Sir Schottenfroida
F.U. Nationalist Dictators Party
Dicator-for-Life incumbent Sir Schottenfroida is the founder of Metopia and the only ruler we've ever had. Born in Fish, Jamaica as Frederick Mercury, our sirness quickly became a highly socialist bastard. In the mid-'90s, he was imprisoned for the crime of holding Communist rallies whilst riding a bicycle (and indecent exposure.) While inside, he came in contact with a like minded man from Czechoslovakia, Vyborny Selivanov. Vyborny helped him escape and together they stole a ship and sailed around for a while. In August 2002, they came upon a tropical island already populated but not owned by anyone. So they named it Metopia and took over. In December of the same year, Freddie changed his name to Schottenfroida, "because it's a lot cooler and besides the other Freddie Mercury was a pooftah." He has ruled Metopia continuously since that time except for the month of September 2003 when he was overthrown by A Jar of Apple Butter. Luckily he and Vyborny were able to take back the country and since then, they've mostly just fucked whore while all manner of crazy shit has happened, to which they have been, without exception, completely oblivious to. In his spare time, ol' 'Froida became the world cycling sprint champion and won two sprint cycling gold medals at the recent Olympic Games.
Ris Jism IIIV
Extra-Terrestrial Free-Love Insatiation Party (Denmark)
Ris is Schottenfroida's main opponent and is just barely over the legal age for running for Metopian office of 1.5. Ris is the product of Addax Labs, Ltd. in Addax, Metopia, the folks responsible for Allivarks, An Clinton, and George Addax. A while back Sir Schottenfroida had himself cloned six times, forming "The Froidae," who serve as his body doubles in case of assassination attempts (of which their has been 69 to date) except for Froidae #4 who went nuts and murdered nine people with a steel dildo while wearing a Bugs Bunny costume. That aside, our friend Sir Vyborny thought it might be really neato if he had a clone too. So he went to Addax Labs and had himself cloned. The result was Ris Jism IIIV. Unfortuneatly, Ris turned out to be pure evil. Luckily, his work as a spaceman made it so that this evil went generally unfulfilled except at the joint US-Metopian Astronauts Convention where he raped Sally Ride. Now, he's seeking a new career path as Dictator-for-Life.
Click here for the transcript of the Dictatorial Debate held on October 23, 2004
Minor Party Candidates
Like certain fanatical countries in the world, we've also got radical fringe elements who we let on the ballot becausem hey, they all paid us the required fee of ten jillion M¥.
Sir Martin-Mike-Tony-Ritchie-Matt-John-Jon-Andy-Chris-Dave Pants
Irrelevant Party
Sir Pants, seen above with a giant strawberry embedded in his lower back, is a Metopian original out of New Berlin. Now aged 103, he joined the Irrelevant Party after having wasted the past 89 years of his life trying to find a way to crossbreed a sea turtle with a heron, but he only got as far as his first theory, placing them both in a bag and waiting for the results, before he developed heavy alcoholism which led to to brain cancer. He went into a coma for 52 years, and when he woke up, he found that not only couldn't he move his legs, but also that in his sleep he had accidentally disproved Andrew Wile's solution of Fermat's Last Theorem. Distraught and outcast from polite society, he did the two things everyone else would do in his situation: buy a monkey butler and run for political office.
Nalph Rader
Blue Party
Nalph Rader, born 10-9-1920 in Terminus, Metopia, believes we should save the sky and the sea, but fuck over the land. If we do, he believes we'll have peace on earth and global communion. No one knows why.
Tony Hawk
Skateboarder's Party
Tony Hawk, born in California, USA, believes you should skateboard often. And buy his new game, Tony Hawk Underground 2, where you can take part in a war between rival skating gangs Team Hawk and Team Bam. Finally, he thinks you should stop spelling skater with an 8 because you're gay.
Guys Who Just Sort Of Showed Up
These people came along and wanted to be in the elction. At first we meant to kill them, but decided in the interest of fair play to let them run. A 5K that is. Unfortunately they both beat our standard of 46:00 just barely and so we let them in the race for Dictator-for-Life.
Yank My Riley
Inverted Inversion Party
Yank My Riley, an ancient Korean demon, is actually the combined form of Adam Riley (Jr. Waynesboro HS) and Stephen Pascoretti (So. Stuarts Draft High School,) two worthless skater guys who were once asked by a Pennsylvanian dude to engage in an oral orgy with him. They enjoy going down snowy hills in canoes, getting their weenies sucked (but not by Pennsylvania dudes) and annoying the piss out of you on AIM. Talk to them on their screennames Sk8trRiley420 and Yankmyyoohoo sometime. Now that they've discovered that they can combine forms however, they might just have to get a new screenname to reflect this. We suggest either ThrowinGoats640 or EsotericVomit.
Hurricane Bob
Republican Party
Even though Sir Vyborny thought he had outlawed any American political party member from setting foot on Metopian soil, Bob has gotten away with it by developing this weird sort of anti-energy crystal powered device which he keeps in his breast pocket and gives him the ability to levitate. He is running for DFL on the platform that you get the hell out of his way.
