The Inter-Empire War

Current Statuses

Allies

Isanad (Apple Butter): Entire military force is presently engaged in the siege of Bitsberg.
Saxony: Half of army has invaded Metopia at Terminus, the other half has been sent to help lay siege to Bitsberg.
Kratopia: Engaged against the Imperials in the Strait of Kratopia. Attempting to cross into Metopian lands.
The Philippines: Helping Kratopia in the Strait of Kratopia.
Multindra: Defeated at Baden Hill, the army of monsters has withdrawn to its island to plan its next move.
Bear Army: Entire army is at the Siege of Bitsberg.

Imperials

Metopia: Military might spread out horribly. Split between Bitsberg, Terminus, Strait of Kratopia, and in the defense of major cities.
Bitopia: Most of the army is stuck in Bitsberg as the siege goes on. Some forces are in Metopia at Terminus, but only about 5%.
Mexico: Engaged in the defense of major Metopian cities. Some forces are at the Battle of Terminus.
Albania: A bunch of single-minded jackoffs. They refuse to fight anywhere besides their current holdings in and around Hiriz City. Since there's no battle there, they won't do anything.
Ohio: Defending major cities, and fighting in the Strait of Kratopia.
Pirates of Barbados: Having dropped anchor at Queens, they are now in hotels raping dogs.

Aliens/Alien Sympathizers

Martians: In control of the wilderness area between Terminus, Blandenton, and Stualts Dlaft. Some of them are now abducting the innocent citizenry of Terminus.
Detroit Pistons: Biding time...
Journey (band): Biding time...
Avril Lavigne: Attempting to convert Metopian citizens to her/ the Martians' cause in order to lead a civilian army in rebellion against Metopia. Doing a decent job as of right now.

Battles

The Seige of Bitsberg

Isanad/Saxony/Bear v. Bitopia/Metopia

2/18/05-????

The first shots of the war were fired on February 18, 2005, and then again a week after that. The newly constructed Bitopian capital of Bitsberg was suddenly and violently attacked by the new nazi forces of Isanad led by the mutant Priceless 14th Century Ming Vase of Apple Butter. The evil Apple Butter led an army consisting mostly of bread (white and rye) on the fledgling city. Setting up a base camp across the Black River from the city, the delicious despot used tactics the likes of which the world has never seen to try to gain entrance to the city. The maniacal spread killed a portion of his bread army and launched their corpses into the city walls via a set of heavily spring-loaded toasters. After a week of attacks, the Bitopian army sought help from Metopia, who sent some of their Bohemian Knights, led by Sirs Lightstone and Jaralim, into the city via airlift. The helicopter which borught them in was struck by flaming piece of toast as it left the scene and was brought down. We all mourn the loss of the brave pilots who sacrificed their lives in bringing the Knights into the city, but then we realize how funny it is that they were killed by a piece of fucking toast! A month later, the battle remains a stalemate. The Isanadians are now backed up by Bear and Contents of Bear, and their army of Fire-breathing Elephants, as well as about half of the army of Saxony. Bitsberg is in for a hell of a time.

The Bread Army of Isanad (red) fights the Bitopian defender (in their traditional green uniforms.) As you can see, the south wall has been breached, but so far the Bitopians have been successful in keeping the Isanadians from taking the city center.)

A photo of the Isanadian stronghold with Bitsberg and Titopolis in the background. You can see the trails of smoke left by the toaster cannons, as well as the return fire from Bitsberg.

A Toaster Cannon which was captured and examined by the Bitopian defenders. It's inner workings are way beyond the comprehension of the relatively dimwitted Bitopians and their Metopian allies.

Lady Crimson Nyte tries to take on a baby Fire-breathing Elephant with her bare hands, with little to no success. Sir Lightstone, left, is as usual no help at all.

Battle of Baden Hill

Multindra v. Metopia v. Mars/Avril

3/22/05-3/25/05

Result: Martian/Avril Victory

While the Isanadian army was causing all kinds of crazy crap in Bitopia, the Monster army led by Multindra led an assault on the Metopian countryside. It seemed that their eventual target would be the city of Stualts Dlaft. Losing Stualts Dlaft would prove costly to Metopia because the city is the #1 exporter of track athletes, and without track meets to watch, the Metopian morale would go to hell. Also, Stualts Dlaft has no standing army, and has always relied for defense on high jump superstar Jim Won'tis, who can morph into a Radioactive Spider, and star miler Bard Nilsson, who is really funny when drunk. The Bohemian Knights who were not already deployed in Bitopia, or defending Costa Del Sol from the imminent attack by Kratopia, were sent to intercept Multindra before he reached Stualts Dlaft. As luck would have it, the intercept occurred at Baden Hill, the site of two previous battles with Metopia. After one day of mostly wimpy battle, a bunch of Martian aliens arrived on the scene in their saucers and started blasting both sides indiscriminately with lasers. The only alien-ally to actually join the ground fighting is Avril Lavigne, who has been kicking everyone's ass in her attempt to lead the Martians to victory for as yet unknown reasons. The battle raged for a total of three days before the Alien forces were too much for either of the main armies and they were both forced to retreat. At this, the alien Mainship charged up its Death Ray and blew Baden Hill into oblivion. No one knows why they felt this was necessary. Although Avril Lavign was still on Baden Hill when the Death ray went off, she was saved because she was (un?)fortunately wearing her Three Skulls Amulet Of, Ironically, Life.

A Red Dragon from Multindra's army wreaks havoc on the Metopian army.

From right to left, Sir Ironhorse, Sir Fartlek, and Sir Jerome Lafaire bravely engage the Red Dragon in close combat. The knights were successful in slaying the dread beast, though he was but one of many nightmarish monsters on Multindra's side.

Avril Lavigne relaxes during a break in the action.

The first ominous signs of the alien type guys.

Battle of the Strait of Kratopia

Kratopia/Philippines v. Metopia/Ohio

3/24/05-????

Busy facing invasion from all sides, Metopia's next attack came from the stoner island nation of Kratopia. Metopian scouts (disguised as a giant otter) discovered that Kratopia was transporting it's Intangir over in the first wave, and that Kratopian leader Sir Salty Sam and his pirate sidekick Johnny Red were personally leading the invasion. Realizing that it would would suck a lot of shit if the Kratopians landed on Metopian soil, Sir Schottenfroida took immediate action: he feigned his own death and went into hiding. With royal chef Joey Pluto and toilet scrubber Corpulence (formerly Marco Nle-Ecks) now leading the nation, it should have been an easy takeover for Kratopia. Luckily, the highly irritable Sir Ironhorse took action and led the Imperial Navy (aka The Luftwaffe) and the Ohio Coast Guard (motto: "Not totally useless") out into the strait to stop the Kratopians before they could reach land. It was also helpful that Sir Salty Sam is, in the words of John Stewart, (or an underpaid lackey thereof), batshit insane. Suffering a particularly violent fit of insanity as the battle joined, Sir Salty Sam issued an official edict ordering the death of Madden Football A.I., the pizza boy known only as 'WARRENZ', and the Trix Rabbit. He then promptly declared war on the sky, citing excess chain throws from Mexican wrestlers as his motive. You'd think it would be an easy win for the Metopian Navy, but luckily for Kratopia, the Metopian Navy is led with by a man of equal caliber.

This is the afforementioned Intangir. He stands about 45-80 feet tall (reports vary), possesses powerful and deadly offensive magic, and becomes completely invisible and intangible whilst asleep. Not only is he quite irascible, but he is also a heroin junkie, and not that fun to hang out with.

A scene from the first day of battle. In the foreground, a Kratopian trireme, complete with Alligator Insignia, chases down some Metopian sailors who have found themselves out to sea. In the left background, two Metopian ships collide due to miscommunication and ship captains who were pulled from the ranks of actors and taxi drivers at the last minute.

Ohio and Kratopia clash using more modern warships.

In a rare glimpse of the Great Beyond, God (left) and Bob Dylan control the outcome of the battle.

Battle of the Terminus

Saxony v. Metopia/Mexico v. Mars

3/28/05-????

After the Battle of Baden Hill ended with the transformation of Baden Hill into Baden Crater, the Martian invasion squadron took control of the surrounding wilderness. From here, they had access to three major cities: Stualts Dlaft, Blandenton, or Terminus. Metopia did not know which one they would have to defend first. Conveniently, the Saxons made up everyone's minds for them. Saxony landed a massive army at the western port city of Terminus. The Metopians were ready to defend their territory (yet again) and so they force marched a large army of Knights in to the city. They were aided by their forced-allies the Mexicans. As the battle was joined, the Martians from Baden Hill sensed the coming conflict and moved in again. What is their purpose?

Sir Neptars of Dreher, black, battles a Saxon hero on the beaches outside Terminus.

The heavily armored Sir Shizerdick (white) defends the ever-important Terminus Conglomo-Rama Ice Factory.

While the battle raged on the outskirts of town, the Martian saucers went on an abduction spree in town. Few were spared.

The Mexican army prepares for battle. This caption/picture combination is almost racist.

Back to the War Info Page