THE METOPIAN PICAYUNE

Metopian Elite Get One More Meet

by Frosty The Prevaricator

Mercury City: Fourteen of Metopia's greatest track athletes will compete in thirteen events at the second annual IAAF World Athletics Final in Monaco. Only the best of the best athletes qualify for this prestigious meet, even fewer than qualify for the Olympics. For Metopia, this includes eight Olympic medal winners (and one Olympic champion), and all are Olympic qualifiers. This is the first year that Metopia has sponsored a team for this meet.
The Metopians, who are traditionally strong in distance and hurdles, (but not distance hurdles ironically) have the bulk of their team coming from those events. In the 110 meter hurdles, Olympic silver and bronze medallists J.W. Wayneright and Intangir (a Kratopian) should bring home some more hardware. To give you an idea of how good they are, their PR's are 12.92 and 12.93, respectively. The World Record (which was tied in the Olympic final by the winner from China) is 12.91. Also, Olympic runner-up An Clinton will represent the ol' Red, Black, and Orange in the 400 meter hurdles.
Metopia is also well represnted in the distance races. In middle distance, Cullen O'Neil will be running the 800m and Metopian national hero Bard Nilsson will be running, what else, the 1500m. Nilsson, who was 3rd at the World Championships last year, suffered a heart-breaking 4th place finish in the Olympic 1500m final, but somehow managed to bounce back to take 2nd in the 800m, his weaker event. "I'd say it was luck and booze," Nilsson said afterwards. "The 1500m is my speciality and always has been, so I'll be staying with that. I'm going to bring home some gold medals in the next Olympic Cycle."
As for the longer distances, this meet is a bit odd in it's events. Instead of a 5000m and a 10,000m race, they will run a 3000m and a 5000m. The world rankings for all three events are figured together, so anyone who is ranked high enough may choose which race to run. For Metopia, our greatest long distance runner ever, Lasse Viren Jr., and also veteran Robert Zimmerman will represent in the 5000m, and high-school phenom Brad O'Neil will drop down from his usual and run the 3000. Brad cites lots of bullshit schoolwork for his decision to train for a 'shorter' event. Brad is now a freshmen with a full scholarship to the Metopian college L.I.S.S. (Lynchburg Institute of Stupid Showers.)
This isn't to say that the field events aren't covered as well. Jim Won'tis, the Metopian Athletic Legend, will be gracing the world with his presence in the High Jump start list. No Metopian needs reminding that Jim is the indoor and outdoor world record holder, the 2003 World Champion, 2004 Indoor World Champion, and 2004 Olympic Champion. When he, along with Bard Nilsson and Colin Nilsson returned home from the Olympics, they were showered with cheap beer and given the keys to city, the keys to a treasure chest with over 4 bazillion M¥ worth of gilded cheeses, and the keys to the chastity belts on some the finer babes of Metopia. National Decathlon Champion Jacksonville Ford will be joining Won'tis in Monaco, as will three throwers, Hurricane Bob (shot put), Sir Lee (javelin), and Arthur Cosgrove (hammer.) The latter two were Olympic medallists.
Finally, Metopia did manage to get some sprinters qualified. National champion Horst Hash will race his speciality the 200 meters, and Intangir, the only Metopian scheduled to run two events, will take up the 100m.

In other sports news, after Metopia's great cycling successes at the Olympic Games, (three Olympic gold medals) the Bohemian Knights have sponsored a nine-man cycling team, captained by Metopian Sprint Champion Sir Schottenfroida, which will race in the Inaugural Toul De Metopia Stage Race!!! Stay tuned for details, and results of the World Athletics Final!!!

Nilsson Lowers National Mile Record To Close Season

by Frosty The Prevaricator

Stualts Dlaft: National mile record holder Bard Nilsson improved that record today by altering the record books illegaly when no one was looking. Luckily, before he was found out, he actually ran that time later on in the evening.
Nilsson, who has held the national mile and 1500m records since he was a college sophomore and they were 4:02 and 3:41, entered an all-comer's meet sponsored by a local track club. His presence helped the meet immensely as over thirty people flocked to the track to run in the mile against their national hero. A few of the elite professionals turned out as well.
Nilsson brought in two pacers, 800m runners Cullen O'Neil and Andrew Riotor, to help rabbit in his record attempt. Also entering the race were three elite milers, Sir Salty Sam (who made the Olympics), N. Evan Kays, and Scott Law. The 31-year old Riotor led the first lap, and Nilsson stayed right in behind him, coming through in 57.10. Riotor continued to keep the pace going, and soon only he, Nilsson, and O'Neil were left in the front. The runners equalled their lap time on the second lap, coming to 800m in 1:54.20, well inside national record schedule. His job complete, Riotor steeped off the track and O'Neil, who like Nilsson made the Olympic 800m final, took over and began to pour on the pace, in fact a little faster than he was supposed to. He brough Nilsson through in 55.80, for a 2:50.00 overall for 1200 meters. 100 meters later O'Neil stepped aside and allowed Nilsson to continue on his own. Thoroughly spent from the insanely fast third lap, Nilsson began to struggle somewhat. Finally he managed to find a last reserve to sprint down the final straight and complete the mile in 3:49.98, a second and a half improvement on his lifetime best and national record. He is now only six seconds off the world mile record (and only four off the 1500m one incidentally.)Meanwhile, Kays beat Salty Sam in 3:59, his first time under four minutes for the mile. That brings the Metopian total to six sub-4:00 milers (Bard Nilsson 3:49, Sir Salty Sam 3:52, Adolf Hitler 3:53, Bryan Buzzard 3:55, Lasse Viren Jr. 3:56, and now N. Evan Kays 3:59.) None of these runners is over 26 except Salty Sam, so the Metopians have a good future in the mile and 1500 meters.