September 2003
Sir Salty Sam Initiates Witch Hunt
by Jaroslav “Noodles” Fluoride
Hiriz City- Local Resident and Knight, Salty Sam, has started a so-called "witch hunt" today. He has charged many knights of treason, laziness, and sodomy. In other words, he has accused them of joining the Knights for the hell of it. He is even quoted to saying “Get drunk or go to hell.” He has started his escapade by traveling from town to town with his pet intangir, Intangir (
Seen here), to annihilate the lazy bastards. He has even run his own commercial on MSNBCNN to serve as a warning to all who dare do nothing.
Those accused of these deeds included: Sirs Scrotnifigan, Joey Pluto, Xanatos Blackthorn, MacBastard the Plaid, Klavetorian Ryyan, Adolf Oliver Naples, Bonezalought, Phileas of the Nine Sabres, Igneous of Vesuvius, and many others including Byrun Sexxalought.
We managed to find Salty Sam at a bar for an in-depth interview. When asked about his “witch hunt”, the only response we seemed to get was “Let’s not lose touch after graduation.” Upon questioning Intangir the intangir, he used his famous ‘Meteo’ attack, where meteors fall from the sky to crush reporters. After finding six dead and eleven wounded, we decided to leave the behemoth alone.
Sir Salty Sam is a well-known radical and democrat. He is armed and dangerous. If you happen to see him or his intangir, please call our hotline so we can distract you while he kills you.
***No Knights of Bohemia were injured in the making of this article. Sir Scrotnifigan’s feelings were hurt, and Sir Vyborny hit a possum, but that’s about it.***
Pictures from MSNBCNN commercial.
Apple-Butter’s Conquest Dethrones Evil Froida
by Willie Wankah
Mercury City- Early this morning, dictator-for-life Schottenfroida was out on his brisk pre-fountain (pree-FOUN-tain) bicycle ride, when disaster struck in the form of a miniature remote controlled donkey (ok, the donkey wasn’t involved…so what? It sounded cool). As he rounded the turn at the top of Mt. Mercury to begin his descent, he noticed a small obtrusion on the road below. Although he was able to swerve well out of the offending pebble, he did hit a small-scale model of Carnegie hall. It is assumed by Sirs Lightstone and Neptars that the impact of running into the model caused a perfectly tuned and evenly distributed rendition of “O Canada”. Immediately upon hearing the anthem of his homeland, Sir Nobunga rushed to the aid of the rapidly descending dictator. Using his favorite blankie, Nobunaga was able to break Schottenfroida’s fall.
After graciously thanking the heroic knight, the dictator-for-life did what any dictator would do…he swiftly killed all witnesses of the incident.
Upon returning to his grand alcazar (castle), Schottenfroida sat down for his morning post-nearly fatal-fall meal. The royal chef, Sir Joey Pluto then served Schottenfroida what would seem to be a simple meal of bread, water, broiled mongoose, and apple-butter. It was then that the jar of apple-butter attacked. Jumping off the tray, the jar of apple butter knocked the dictator unconscious and stole his royal toupee (dictators don’t have crowns). Upon receiving the toupee, the jar of apple butter was immediately proclaimed new dictator-for-life by Corpulence, royal herald, and Schottenfroida became second in command (he’s still alive isn’t he?). Thus, the terrifying once dictator-for-life Schottenfroida has been shunted to a measly second in command, while a new slightly less terrifying regime has taken power.
Sam Sez: "Apple Butter Is A Witch"
By Jaroslav "Noodles" Fluoride
Isanad: Sir Salty Sam has spoken out today against Isanad and its ruler, Apple Butter. He has declared Metopia's new leader a witch, and has put said food product on the top of his
"Kill List". Sam and his pet intangir, Intangir, have delayed the rest of their rampage to focus on the tyrannical jar. They now travel to Mercury City to devour the new dictator.
Local citizens are taking the hostile take-over very well. Sir Lightstone has said, “Apple Butter is great. He gave me the surplus foodstuffs.” Sir Fartlek quoted, “I never liked Schottenfroida anyway.” Sir Rand made various threats to the emperor of Greenland. The village idiot was in tears because Apple Butter promised him the surplus foodstuffs.
The tasty tyrant took over the Empire of Metopia on September 2, 2003, shortly after its one year anniversary.
On a side note, Sir Byrun Sexxalought* (Paladin) has died today. After an arguement with Sir Salty Sam, he decided to "confiscate" Intangir. He was found at 5:35 P.M. under a meteor.
*Famous homosexual resident of Metopia/Isanad
Saline Salamanders Sling Stupid Stones
by Wu Man B. Terr
North Pole: After much deliberation, Santa Claus has decided to move to the South Pole. According to his elven advisors, it should've happened long ago. "We told his plump old ass to move to a location with solid ground rather than a huge ice sheet, but
no, he was too smart for us," says one of them. "It took until his precious stupid workshop fell into the Arctic for his dumb ass to listen to us."
Metopia: Sir Schottenfroida himself presided over this special trial-without-jury on the day of September 1, 2003. It was delayed until this time due to the extension of Screw-Your-Favorite-Celebrity-Day. Sir Nobunaga walked over with the Bible to Sir Neptars and said, "Do you swear upon this holy book to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God??" Neptars responded with a vehement "HELL NO!!!" and a smack of the book. Nobunaga looked perplexed, then Sir Vyborny approached with the Kama Sutra, to which Neptars swore. The trial started.
"Damn you Neptars!!" swore 'Froida. "I am now left with an agitated whale and no bees!!! What have you to say for yourself!!!???" "Well," responded Neptars calmly, "I'd like to say...."
Unfortunately, he never got to say, because the doors of the courtroom, burst open, salt spraying into almost everyone's eyes. Sir Salty Sam was leading a pack of ravenous salamanders (the lethal RPG kind, mind you), which, rather than instantly incinerate their surroundings, they resorted to throwing rocks at people.
Now, this would have been a minor problem if only the stones weren't roughly the size of Fort Knox. Therefore, many people died, except for the knights, whose cunning Fort Knox stone dodging skills prevailed. In all the commotion, Neptars leaped up to the stand where a disgrunted 'Froida was sitting, mumbled something, handed him a large sack of some shiny, clinking material, then vanished in a very cool fashion. Vyborny looked at his inner shirt sleeve, sighed, then also vanished coolly.
Cooking With Apple Butter!
by Jack-Did-Jill
Jack-Did-Jill here-with a couple of recipes to set your taste buds on a riot that would make black people in LA proud! In fact-after whipping up a few of these goodies in my own personal kitchen I had every fireman in the city at my doorstep- trying to shove their way in to get a taste of my little treats (Thanks for putting out the fire to guys!)
First on our escapade of tentacle rearing treats is
Apple Butter Bread (1 Ton)
In this recipe I'm going to tell you how to make 1 metric Ton of apple butter bread! What you do with it…well that’s up to you.
For this recipe you will need:
400,000 Tsp Yeast
2,000,000 Tsp Sugar
300,000/2 Cups Whole-wheat flour
18,000 Cups Apple butter
222,222 1/2 Cups Bread flour
222,222 1/2 Tbl Oil
30,000 Tsp Salt
4,000 Gallons of Water
Put all ingredients into baking pan of your bread machine and select
'white bread' and push Start. Bake the apple butter right into the bread.
Try substituting any favorite jam or jelly for the apple butter.
(Yields 8500 servings)
Next on our list is a recipe that will make Betty Crocker moan like a whore at the taste!
Apple Butter Scones
2 1/2 Cup All-purpose flour
1 Cup Apple butter
1/4 Cup Sugar
1 Egg, beaten like a bad child
2 Tsp Baking powder
Vegetable cooking spray
1 Tsp Baking soda
Additional apple butter, for-accompaniment
1/4 Cup Butter (or margarine)
1/2 Cup Raisins
Preheat oven to 425F. In a large bowl combine flour, sugar, baking powder
and baking soda. Cut in butter or margarine with pastry cutter or chain saw
until mixture resembles coarse crumbs (corpse). Add raisins(or rat poison). In a separate bowl combine apple butter and egg. Add flour mixture, stirring just until dry
ingredients are moistened. Spray 2 1/2 inch muffin tins with vegetable
cooking spray. Fill almost full with batter. Bake at 425F for 14 to 16
years or until lightly browned. Cool slightly. Serve warm with additional
apple butter.
Oh god- this next one will make your toes curl (and your mom tell you how the milk man subdued her) with tangy sweetness!
Apple Butter Sweet Rolls
Nonstick spray coating
1/3 Cup Powdered sugar sifted
16 Oz sweet bread dough, Frozen
1/2 Tsp Orange peel finely-shredded
1/3 Cup Apple (or peach butter)
1 Tsp Apple (Or Orange Juice)
Up-To 2 Tsp currants (or raisins), Dried
Spray twelve addaxes with nonstick spray coating; set monkey
cups aside. On a lightly floured surface roll thawed chipmunk to a 12x8-inch
rectangle. Spread apple butter evenly over dough. Sprinkle with currants or
skittles. Roll up, from a long side, jelly-roll (do the tootsie roll, 1994! Baby!)style. Pinch seams to seal.
Cut into 12 slices. Place rolls, cut side down, in prepared monkey cups.
Cover and let rise in a warm place (I set it between my g/f’s legs) for 15 minutes. Bake in at 350 oven for 20 minutes or till golden. Remove from pan; place on a wire rack. For
icing, in a small bowl, combine powdered sugar, orange peel, and enough
apple or orange juice to make desired consistency. Drizzle icing over
rolls. Serve warm. 135 calories, 3 g total fat, 0 g saturated fat, 0 mg
cholesterol, 195 mg sodium, 24 g carbohydrate, 1 g fiber, 5 g protein. 10 Fat women
For my finally- I’ve composed a priceless recipe for all those out there who are in the resistance! Live free my brother- DEATH TO THE APPLE BUTTER
Crispy Fried Apple Butter Dictator
What you’ll need for this recipe of death and destruction:
12 Grenades
1 German Shepard
2 M1A1
5 2/3 Cups of Nerve Gas
1 Flamethrower
3 Divisions of Ethiopian Soldiers
1 Sir Ironhorse
1 Jar of Evil Apple Butter
First- Surround the Jar of Evil Apple Butter’s throne silently incognito. Next, send in the 3 Divisions of Ethiopian troops. After they are slaughtered by AID’s, throw the 12 grenades using the flamethrower to set them off in mid air. After the throne room is light darkened- send in the M1A1s to create a diversion, along with the German Shepard with the nerve gas attached to its back. After this- take a 15min break from some refreshments provided by the PKOB( Provisional Knights of Bohemia.) Set an egg timer for 12mins and send in Sir Ironhorse.
And there you go! 300 pounds of Fat.
Metopians Go For Spear Toss Record
by Frosty The Prevaricator
Makai, Hawaii: Several members of the (former) Empire of Metopia have set their sights on the world record for the Spear Toss.
The Spear Toss world headquarters is at Makai, Hawaii. The Metopian tossers have been selected from an elite group of of throwers who have thrown over an "Elite Mark" of 533 meters. Any Metopian who can beat that mark is welcome to join them in their quest.
Sir Vyborny currently holds the Metopian national record at 535.015 meters. The world record is 535.025 meters, held by three individuals, Monkey Rules! (Thailand), SoCom Clans (USA) and Ownz Ya! (Great Britain). Also beware the Koreans, who are also threatening the world mark.
Click here for national and world spear toss rankings.
Play Spear Toss
Submit your Personal Bests
Sexxalought Hosts Martial Arts Tournament
By Carter McGavin
Terminus: Sir Byrun Sexxalought, Paladin of the Knights of Bohemia hosted the 7th annual World Martial Arts Tournament in his Villa outside of Terminus yesterday. Sexxalought decided to host the tournament, which has previously been held in Cuba for all of the first 6 years of its existence, in order to bring more mainstream media to Metopia for its 1 year anniversary. Unfortunately, Metopia was taken over by Apple Butter and renamed to Isanad before the tournament and it was too late to cancel. So, instead of bringing the publicity to Isanad, Sexxalought simply beat all the reporters (except me) to death with several asparagi and one rather large stick. The tournament consisted of 378 rounds of pure extreme hard core fighting action featuring the most talented fighters the world has to offer. The tournament also featured several Bohemian knights including Sir Nobunaga, Sir Bonez-a-lot, and MacBastard the Plaid (deceased). Sir Salty Sam* also attempted to enter the tournament with his pet intangir, Intangir, but was brutally beaten and killed in the first round of pre-qualifying for the qualifying rounds by a very small female ant with a very large machete. It is reported that his corpse cried for several hours after the defeat. Sir Nobunaga and MacBastard the Plaid (deceased) both made the semifinals where they squared off against each other. Unfortunately, the rules were that all matches would be fought to the death, and seeing as how Sir Nobunaga is immortal and MacBastard the Plaid (deceased) is already dead, the two fighters were disqualified and all 376 prior rounds had to be done over. The tournament ultimately reached its climax with a brutal 47 hour show-down between the reigning champion, Satan, and the challenger, Mr. T. In the end, Mr. T hit Satan over the head with a giant golden cross, which forced a ring out and earned a World Championship for Mr. T. For winning the championship, T was awarded $14.83, a spork, and a life time supply of K-Y Jelly.
*World Famous Anal Astronaut
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