October 2003
Knights Regain Metopia
by Willy Wankah
Mercury City- After a long and tiresome battle, the Knights of Bohemia have regained control of the Empire of Metopia. With the tasty tyrant now resting in the stomachs of the knights, there is no longer any reason to fear the once powerful preserve. I say to you now, there is no reason to be unhappy. This dark and delicious time is behind us. Together, we must move forward. We must move forward as a people, as a nation, and above all, we must move forward as individuals.
Should We Really Move Forward?
by Sigmund Froida
Fortress of Solitude, OK-Certain factions of the news media think it is important to move on and forget about this incident. Rather, I think we should turn and face it now, before it happens again. You see, I come to you today with a burden on my mind. The government of this country was involved in a conspiracy. They don't want me to tell you this, but there was no apple butter. The apple butter was a sham so they could tax you freely and then have a triumphant return later on. The apple butter was merely a puppet. A puppet with very short strings indeed. In fact I think the strings were a nylon-cotton mix, made a pressure of...this doesn't matter. Anyway, back to my point. Sir Schottenfroida made up the apple butter. Apple Butter doesn't actually exist, like the number that used to follow 8...what was it? Anyway...you all have a secret desire to have sex with your moms. Well, I'm at my word limit so I have to
Gods, Magic Affect Valley District Meet Outcome
by Frosty The Prevaricator
Harrisonburg: While running through the woods on the day before districts, Stuarts Draft senior and district champion hopeful Brad O'Neil saw a great buck dash across his path, then disappear. It was clearly the Draft's guardian spirit Allen Da Fawn, the Addax god (for more, see the June 2003 Picayune), signifying that O'Neil would take the glory and the Valley District crown. But it was not to be, as there was other magic afoot.
A week earlier, at the Indian JV Meet at Fort Defiance, the Rockbridge duo of Will Williams and Andrew Friski were standing around, one dressed as a clown, the other not. It was here that they recieve Magical Speed Hugs from Fort Defiance girls Hayley James, Crystal Corzine, and Anne Ward. With the magical powers bestowed upon them by the sorceresses, Friski "da Clown" and Williams were ready for any power that O'Neil could have been given by Allen the Addax God.
Then came districts. It was a cold and windy day, not at all good for a 5,000 meter race. The god-backed O'Neil stepped to the line against the hug-powered Williams and Friski, as did the fourth and final champion-hopeful, Fort Defiance's Michael Clifton, who was entering the race with no otherworldly assisstance other than the fact that, in one picture that O'Neil's dad took of him, he looks a lot like Lasse Viren, the Finnish distance standout who won Olympic gold in the 5,000 and 10,000 meter races at both the 1972 and 1976 Olympic Games. He was on a different mission, to lead his team (backed by the monster Multindra) to an almost certain Valley District team championship.
The gun (a 1977 .98 caliber sub-grenade thrower) was fired and the race began. O'Neil took the early lead as he was guided by Allen, but Williams took the lead by the 400 meter mark and never looked back. Well, he did look back, but he was never passed. Williams had the power of not one but three Fort girls in him, and he would blaze to victory in 16:19. Behind him, Friski, O'Neil, and Clifton jockeyed for the 2nd place spot. Although O'Neil nearly got left behind at two miles, he recovered enough to use his fabeled kick to beat Clifton, but not the Hug-Powered Friski who was able to hold on for second. Friski ran 16:29, O'Neil 16:35, and Clifton 16:41. Clifton's teammate Owen "O.Z." Parkinson got fifth by less than a second.
After them came Jordan Jarrels of Spotswood, who was still very tired from the sock hop that took place on April 3, 1999. He outsprinted a different Jordan (Bowman) of Fort, who in turn outsprinted his teammate Daniel Stewart. Their times were 16:51, :53, and :55, respectively. Coming in ninth was the now infamous Will Shoemaker of T.A. in 16:56, beating out Stephen Knight of Spotswood who ran 16:58.
Eleventh went to Ryan Fawley, who is a god, and is the coolest guy ever, and is surely going to win states. (Note: Fawley's father is my mom's boss.) Fawley beat out Matt Bailey at the finish, as both finished in 17:00. Miles "Manningworth" Morrison, the Awesome Alliteration Award winner, came in next, followed by the World's Fastest Jew, Stuarts Draft's Jon Lichtenstein. The last all-district spot almost went to some Rockbridge guy, but at the last second Chris Foster-Baril strangled him to death with his Hair O' Doom and took 15th for himself. The Rockbridge guy was dazed but still held on for 16th.
As for team scores, Spotswood had fourth with 85 points, T.A. took third with 84, and Rockbridge took 2nd with 59. Allen the Addax God was severely pissed when it was announced that Fort Defiance won the team title, and showed his displeasure by assaulting the entire area with a severe, but short-lived, hailstorm. So the teams from Fort, Rockbridge, T.A., and Spotswood will be representing the Valley District at the Region II meet next Thursday, as will the Draft duo of Brad O'Neil and Jon Lichtenstein, whose top-15 finishes earned them individual trips.
And as for the girls race......things happened. (I was on the can at the time.)
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