Broadway: The 73rd annual Valley District Run-Round-In-Circles Festival has come and gone, and our own Brad O'Neil like kicked a lot of ass and stuff.
Naturally, O'Neil, being the no-talent, no-work ethic bum that he is, could never have won any race on his own, so he had his friend Robert Zimmerman give him illegal steroids once again. These steroids accidentally turned Brad into a chick, so he was changed to the girl's races and still got his ass kicked. Meanwhile his lookalike, Bard Nilsson from Stualts Dlaft Univelsity entered under O'Neil's name and won the 1600 and 3200 meter runs in times of 3:49 and 14:28, respectively. The funny thing is that this time still would have won the Tri-Rivers District.
So "Brad" won the mile and two-mile, both utilizing a strong finishing kick. In the mile, it had come down to Will Williams of Rockbridge and Generic TA Tall Person #1 at the last lap. At the behest of Ben Knight (Generic Spotswood Bearded Guy #6) O'Neil flew into a fantastic finishing drive which left ol' Roger and Generic wondering, "what WAS the name of that cowbell dude from Blue Oyster Cult?" In the end, Roger beat Generic for second, with some Fort guys finishing 4th and 6th, and Stepehn Knight finishing fifth.
In the not-quite-two-miles, that Draft fuck and Roger Rogers ran away from the field early and often, constantly turning round and running the wrong way just for laughs. On lap 4 the two were stride for stride until a Screaming Banshee Warrior Fly of Painful Poisonous Death flew straight into Bard's mouth. The imposter instantly died, but luckily the real O'Neil had managed to go back in time and to Sweden to recieve an emergency sex-change-change and, being once again a dude, entered the almost-two-miles just as Bard fell stone dead. Of course, Roger Rogers Rogersson started to blow the untalented jerk-off out of the water, as did such slightly lesser talents as Jordan Bowman, Daniel Stewart, Chris Foster-Baril, Will Shoemaker, Brandon Spalding, Chris Heitz, Cimmaron Craig, Alan Webb, John Cheese, Jim Won'tis, Donnie Mikels, and Six Thessalonian Warmongers All Named Thad. By lap 5 (lap 8 for everyone else) it looked like O'Neil might not repeat as District Champion, an honor he got for the first time about 45 minutes earlier. Then, the zombie of Bard Nilsson, raised by $hawn Wheeler's Necro Death magic, gave O'Neil a bicycle. O'Neil raced around the track, and just as he was about to pass ol' Roger Wilco for the lead, he fell off and broke his collarbone. Luckily Williams suffered a stroke with 0.000000005 meters to go in the 1.97-mile and therefore died. O'Neil crossed first in 3:46, while Williams managed to fall dead across the line in second in 19:02. Some other guys came next.
As for the other distance events, The Turner Ashby 4x800 meter relay team set a new meet record with their victory in 5:12. The team consisted of Generic TA Tall Person #3, Will Snader, Michael Shumacher, and Generic TA Tall Person #2. Fort's team of J-Bow, O-Park, D-Hiz, and Ted Nugent came second in 6:50. A somewhat distant third (22:55) was Spotswood's team of Ben Knight, Stephen Night, Jeff Day, and Karl Evening.
White dudes took the 400 for once, with distance runners taking the top two spots, as Generic TA Tall Person #2 won in 0.2 and that other Rockbridge guy who isn't named Roger or Will or anything similar was second in 3 hours.
Generic TA Tall Persons took the 800, nearly sweeping the event. #1 won, #2 took second, but #3 was barely edged by some guy. Alas and fitzsimmons.
Join us next week for the great races that surely will not happen at the Region V meet. The region, recently created as a joint venture between Brad O'Neil and a black guy, consists only of Stuarts Draft and Harrisonburg. These schools send just as many runners to State as all other regions, and could probably kick Region IV's ass because they're really pathetic in southern Virginia for some reason.
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