THE METOPIAN PICAYUNE
Archives for:
May 2003
Man With Two Birthdays Found!!!
by Frosty The Prevaricator
Staunton, VA: It all started out as a normal day in the life of Brad O'Neil, Hurricane Bob, Jarrod Thomas, and Ricky Short. Having taken an AP History exam, they decided to skip school and eat at Ryan's Steakhouse. At first, all went well. The four of them gorged themselves on the various delicacies from the buffet selection. Even as all four of them moved into dessert, nothing was out of the ordinary. Then, something strange happened.
While Hurricane Bob was going back for twenty-thirds, the other three hatched a cunning plan. Jarrod told the hot waitress, Fallon, that it was Bob's birthday. When Bob returned, the three of them convinced him that it was in fact his birthday, and that he should hug Fallon when they gave him his cake. Ricky sweetened the deal by offereing him $8 (45654362065756295648 M¥.) When the "Ryan's gang" came to do their massive song and dance routine, Bob earned his money in humorous fashion. Now with his second birthday, Bob is now 18 and has announced plans to move into a condo in the Cayman Islands.
Unfortuneatly, Bob's dual-birthdays come at a price. Since he ages two years every year, his life span is now cut in half, and he will die next week, not the week after as was originally planned by Brad, Jarrod, and a monkey. But for now, he is famous for being the only person in the world to have two seperate birthdays, which are October 15, and now May 9 as well.
It was recently discovered, however, that Willie Robinson also has two birthdays, May 8 and May 9, mainly due to Brad O'Neil's constant confusion over which it was.
Ghost-man found By Bohemian Knights
by Dick Didnotwritethisstorybecauseitisstupidsofuckup
Waynesboro, VA: In a desperate attempt to find adventure (really to get away from their parents), Sir Ironhorse came up with the excuse to do AP History homework at Sir Vyborny’s house. But he also wanted to get away from his parents; so the two devised the scheme of going to the library and then just driving around afterwards. The two adventurers ended up at Willy’s Ice Cream and while Ironhorse ordered his usual, Vyborny ordered ice cream served personally by Meghan Bell, an acquaintance to both. Afterwards, the two went cruising “The Strip” in Waynesboro, VA. After weaving in and out of tight corners, and dodging the “FUZZ,” the two found their way and just happened to be passing their very old school. After entering the parking lot, full on delicious cold treats served by the very hot Meghan Bell, and also the very hot Sarah Bull they ran a lap around the track as they always have. After the lap, on the way back to Ironhorse’s trusty steed the “Rolls Royce,” everything went well. Driving around in circles was a breeze, considering there were no other cars around. After two or three laps (it is now unclear because the ghost has impaired our memory), a man appeared from nowhere. It just stood there doing nothing. Of course Vyborny and Ironhorse got the hell out of there and in a hurry. They drove around dodging the Fuzz and after that slowly drove back to the now haunted school. Driving around in circles again and honking the horn brought out the ghost again. We left the parking lot in a hurry turning right. We went down Rosser Ave. for about 10 seconds when we made an illegal u-turn. We passed by the extremely haunted school, and saw that there was no ghost there. We turned around in the parking lot at Western Sizzlin and went back to the site staying damn close to the road to get the hell out of there in a damn hurry. We pulled in very close to the exit so we could get the hell out of there in a hurry. While looking back in his usual spot, honking the horn the whole time, all we saw was air. Out of the corner of someone’s eye, the ghostman was seen walking of floating slowly towards the two damn scared adventurers. It seemed as if it was carrying a screwdriver, a gun, a sword (fish), or a moist tuna. At that time we got the hell out of there and once again made a right then an illegal u-turn in the middle of the street. As we passed by the school still honking the horn, again “Ghostman!” stood there with its weapon and a dull spoon. With no other cars in the parking lot, you get to thinking. Check back soon to see how this turns out!
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