THE METOPIAN PICAYUNE

SDCC Rocks Stuarts Draft Variety Show

by Willie Wankah and Frosty The Prevaricator

Stuarts Draft: Thursday, in the auditorium of the local high school, sixteen different performing artists gathered together for one of the largest free love assemblies since Woodstock '99. Much of the so-called variety show was wasted on such shit acts as people singing about getting on their knees, stupid dances, and some white rapper with upper body paralysis. While many "porkable chicks" were present, the only notable act was that of the two bands, SDCC and SDCC JV (The Bums.) The Bums, who went after SDCC, were okay, performing "As We Fall Apart" and "I'd Pork That Porkable Chick In The Fifth Seat Along On The Right Side in Row 4." The best act, however, was SDCC featuring a gorilla.
After a pretty good performance by Clif MacDonald, SDCC's time had arrived. The crowd was a little confused when Jarrod Thomas came on stage completely naked with a vibroslap in hand. Fortunately, the audience's confusion subsided when they removed their x-ray glasses and put the glasses in their neighbor's pocket. Jarrod then began to sing "Hole in the Bottom of the Sea", SDCC's hit from "Mr. Bowman's Magic Spatula. He was soon joined by guest guitarist Jeremy Rowe, who was dressed in his finest Angus Podgorny costume. SDCC's heterophobic drummer Brad O'Neil then sprinted out onto the stage and missed his drumset by 12 meters. He then found his way to the instrument and sat down. The mustachioed wonderboy then proceeded to play horribly off-beat, although it was on purpose. (So he claims.) Quickly there after, two oddly dressed men walked onto the stage carrying a single guitar case. Upon opening the case, they removed piece-o-shit tennis rackets and began to strum them as if they had been guitars. These two, Tim Willis and Cullen O'Neil, were invariably the two best musicians in the show. Tim also sang the backup vocals, while Cullen masturbated to the beat. It was somewhere in this odd procession of vocal and instrumentalists that a gorilla appeared in the auditorium. It remains to be seen as to whether this was planned. The gorilla, who stood 7 feet tall and weighed 300 pounds, proceeded to dance and play a train whistle, and, for some reason, answered to the name Hurricane Bob. It was at approximately this point that all the members of SDCC (including the gorilla) stopped playing and stared at the scantily clad drummer. Brad pounded out a 16 minute drum solo. Soon after he started, he was joined by Jeremy who played a killer guitar solo. So neither one of them was actually playing a solo. Fuck. The crowd then gave a 3 hour standing ovation while the gorilla brutally attacked a small child. After said ovation, Jarrod picked up with the song and began to sing at near-light speed. (We are positive he did not reach light speed because sound doesn't travel that fast, and he didn't disapear.) No we arent. Yes we are. Not. Anyway, soon the song ended as all five of the other band members joined Jarrod in singing the final line of the song in Sanskrit. It was at this point that Mr. Patterson, using a dart gun of his own design, paralyzed all members of the band for 30 seconds. After the band recovered, the audience rushed the stage, not in love of the band, but in anger that came from the fact that the gorilla was a flaming anti-Semitist. After the show, the band screwed many groupies, except Jeremy who had to work the curtains. "We had to beat the women towards us with a stick," Cullen said later. Brad then chimed in, "I'm wearing my surprise underwear." To which Jarrod replied, "What? None?" Brad then said, "That's the surprise." Tim then punched both of them and said, "You morons stole that from 'Will and Grace'." Finally, the police arrived on the scene and hauled the band away, in full costume, to Dairy Queen for Blizzards. During this time, a grown woman looked at Brad's ass, something that has never happened before. They soon went their seperate ways and are said to have masturbated long into the night...(and some into the next day) I suppose....it's kinda short...well, maybe not...not learry...

Sirs Schottenfroida, Vyborny, Ironhorse Back Inside

by Frosty The Prevaricator

Mercury City: Three of the most pre-eminent figures in Metopian society, Dictator-for-Life Sir Schottenfroida, Bohemian Knights leader Sir Vyborny, and all-around fat guy Sir Ironhorse have been imprisoned for three seperate crimes this week.
First, on Tuesday, Sir Ironhorse was accused of anti-Semitism and arrested. Eye witness accounts say that Ironhorse was walking through the halls of the Queens-Munchen Hotel (read: Stuarts Draft High School) in his hometown of Queens, IRO when he ran across his old enemy, "Hello" Holly Strickler. The freshman bitch had already gotten him in trouble once before. "Hello" Holly would not get out of his way, so he pushed the poor girl(?) up against the wall and uttered his famous catch-phrase, "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!!" He then threw the poor girl(?) down and called her ugly. (Some sources say this didn't happen but I'm sure that it did.) Ironhorse was given 20 years, hard labor.
The very next day, Sir Schottenfroida hacked into the US Government (read: Stuarts Draft High School) computer mainframe and began harrassing various teachers by using the messaging system. He was found out, however, when he sent several messages to the computer administator Mr. What's-His-Face asking if he was corn chip. The thing that gave him away is the fact that he signed his name on each message. Our great Dictator was given life.
That same day, Sir Vyborny was at Stuarts Draft High School (read: Herr Baund ess sheitskauff) when he finished playing the drums in band class. Never one to bother with the rules, Sir Vyborny left class early as all seniors are allowed to do, except that he left 15 minutes early instead of 3. Realizing his mistake, he thought briefly about returning before saying "screw it." Then he remembered that he had a track meet that day and he'd forgotten his water bottle in his car. Finding the school's bottled water machine out-of-order, he decided to go out to his car to retrieve his water. Upon his return, some gay principal cat charged him First Degree Going To One's Car and hauled him away. He later got the Death Penalty.
Although it didn't look too good for the Metopian nationals, Sir Ironhorse and Sir Schottenfroida, with good behavior, were out in two weeks. Sir Vyborny was released when electrocution, lethal injection, and firing squad all failed to off the bastard. It was later found that instead of Vyborny it was actually certain SDHS students who will remain nameless apart from the fact that its "Hello" Holly were subjected to these punishments. Of course she survived because she's secretly a man (no woman can be that ugly) and somehow that works and stuff.
Although our heroes escaped relatively unfazed, at least 10 SDHS students were found guilty of absolute stupidity when they were witnessed by Vyborny and Schottenfroida attempting to purchase items from the juice-and-Powerade vending machine despite the fact that an Out-Of-Order sign was CLEARLY on the machine. These 10 were all sentenced to have sex with "Hello" Holly and their mass funeral will be next Wednesday.
And on a late breaking note, during today's track practice, Vyborny said "hello, Holly" to "Hello" Holly but accidentally breathed in her scent and therefore died.

Stuarts Draft Cross Country Uniforms History

by Frosty The Prevaricator

Just a few days ago, the Stuarts Draft High School fieldhouse was consumed in a fire which has been described as "awesome"; "horrendous" and "AAAAAAHHHH Omygod omygod omygod! help MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Several million dollars worth of football and wrestling equipment, including weights, mats, uniforms, and such, was lost. Oh well, who cares about that. The real tragedy about all this is that the Stuarts Draft cross-country uniforms, which were less than a year old, were lost. It is such a tragedy that such uniforms were cut down in the primes of their lives. But the author of this article still has his so nyah, nyah, hahahaha!!
Brad O'Neil and "Hurricane" Bob Lent have been formally charged with the crime by the US Government and were given life. However, the Metopian government stepped in and claimed them national heroes. Then it heard about the cross-country uniforms and again gave them life. Luckily the mysterious Maitresse Foncee came along and saved them by using her breasts to distract the prison guards then shooting them (the guards).
This incident will forever be remembered as the 3-20 Incident, and every subsequent March 20 from now on, we'll all get together, fill a fieldhouse with marijuana, and set the damn thing on fire.
By the way, just WHO THE HELL IS MAITRESSE FONCEE ANYWAY?!?!?!

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