THE METOPIAN PICAYUNE
Archives for:
March 2003
Metopian "Texas Gold"
by Willie Wankah
Teoporum- Early yesterday, the long dormant volcano, Mt. Wesuwuis, began to show signs of activity. Then later in the day, a group of tourists visiting to waking mammoth noticed smoke and steam eminationg from the mouth of the beast. Fearing for their own safety, the group started down the mountainside, but sadly it was too late. The volcano erupted, spewing tons of mashed potatoes and beets within a 1 mile radius. All of the twelve tourists, and their guide, Zwimalee, perished in the eruption.
The eruption also opened a massive hole in the Earth about 10 miles to the south of the volcano. Sir Schottenfroida sent Belchfire Boris, and Salty Sam into the seemingly bottomless pit for further exploration. Upon entering the hole, Sam was heard to say, "shit", to which 'froida replied, "damned straight". When the Metopian sanitation team returned to the surface, they were covered in a thick black substance which Boris claimed was Mole-man semen. The goo was tested and determined to be oil. Metopian scientists estimated, through extensive research, that the hole containes approximately 7x's the quantity of oil owned by OPEC (Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries).
Upon hearing the new that Metopia had become the richest country in the world, George W. Bush decided that Iraq was no longer a threat, that Metopia now was much more dangerous. He will set out to prove that the Empire is in possesion of missiles that violate the nuclear-arms treaty they never signed.
Metopia under attack
by Willie Wankah
Vybornyville- Today, at apporoximately 8:46 AM, Metopian Standard Time, the Empire of Metopia endured a seize of attacks from the give-you-a-slight-headache-at-best Swabian forces. The Swabians hit Metopian land around 8:30, and by 8:46, had all of Metopia in lock down. Then the government of Metopia learned that the Swabians had in actuallity been hired by the United States Government to check the small island for contriband.
Sir Schottenfroida then sent in the elite group of special forces known as the Knights of Bohemia. The Knights utterly destroyed the the Swabian forces, leaving only one living. That one living swabian, the last of a pathetic race, said only this, "Damnit, you can have Swabia, I just want to drink tea."
Multindra Makes Appearance At Jimmy Neutron Slumber Party
by Carter "The Yellow Dart" McGavin
Vybornyville: Local youth Billy Shmilly won a contest on Tuesday by being the 7,846th person to consume a Lunchables brand turkey product and cheddar concentrate kit. Upon consumption, Billy noticed a message on the inside of the box stating, "You won the Grand Prize!!!!" Billy immediately phoned Lunchables Inc. and informed them of his winnage. Lunchables Inc. was astonished and customer service rep Hashmeer Shashmeer was quoted to have said it must have been a type clack error. "How in the hell?" To this, Billy replied, "Yeah, what the hell?"
In order to avoid prosecution, Lunchables Inc. quickly threw together the worst grand prize in the history of cheddar concentrate: a Jimmy Neutron slumber party. A guy in a Jimmy Neutron suit showed up and began dancing in Bushwhackers fashion. (This continued throughout the party and on into the next Tuesday.) At approximately 11:38 pm, Metopian Standard Time, there was a ring at the door. Billy opened the door to find none other than all seven members of Multindra, prepared to pounce. However, the pouncage never took place. Multindra's leader immediately saw the man in the Jimmy Neutron suit and recognized him to be Bohemian Knight Sir Ironhorse with a baseball bat. It was at this time that Billy ripped off his own face and turned out to be Sir Byrun Sexxalought. masquerading as a small child. Byrun picked up a board with a nail through the end and removed an upside-down basin which the remainder of the Bohemian Knights had been hiding under. The formerly basin-hidden Knights were armed in similar fashion to the other two Knights. Most notable were Sir Strongkey with a wiffle bat, Sir Lightstone with a golf club (Four-iron) and Sir Vyborny, with a rubber chicken.
Multindra quickly realized it was a trap, but by that time the Knights had whacked them into next Tuesday.
Metopians Sweep Arts Festival
by Frosty The Prevaricator
Mogadishu: It was a successful night for the Metopians at the Pepsi Toilets Festival Of The Arts. First, all the films awards when to Tot Adams, including the Film Of The Year, "Milites Ignavi," which stunned the audience by defeating a heavily favored "Titanic III." Next came the awards for literature. The 2002 Poetry award went to Jerome Lafaire for "The Sad Breakfast," the political rant award went to "Hurricane" Bob Lent for "On Women At VMI," and the journalism award went to me for "Some Story I Wrote Last Year."
Next came the awards for the musical arts. The interperative dance award went to "Duality," featuring Jarrod Thomas and Willie Robinson, defeating the dance stylings of such famous groups as Triality, Quadrality, Brutality, and Bestiality. Award for the longest sustained fart went to Brandon Spalding, who barely beat out Mike Houlihan in the tie-breaker. And of course the song of the year went to SDCC for "Pornography Aisle." As the band accepted the award, guitar player $hawn Wheeler said to the audience, "you are all very gay." The night was almost ruined, however, when the prize for best band was given to Queen. Audience members rushed the stage, beat up Brian May, and handed over the award to SDCC.
As the arts festival drew to a close, they gave the Cross Country Award (a 20000 lb, 24-karot platinum soap-dish) to Jon Lichtenstein.
Dimensional Rift Causes International Mayhem
by Wu Man B. Terr
Earth: At 3:23 a.m., a strange man called Vyborny in the middle of the night and asked him a question. Instantly enraged, Vyborny screamed "Of COURSE I canoe!!!!!!!!" then slammed down the receiver.
In relevant news, later that week (and at a more reasonable time), a strange black guy with excellently cut hair, combat boots, and a battle ax the size of Arkansas was spotted in Vatican City trying to get some Catholic girl's number. Despite living a sheltered, non-violent life, the woman immediately slashed the man into submission, causing him to have deja vu and ultimately fall unconscious.
On that same day, the population of China fell from 1.3 billion to 6 as an armored demon-human guy and a similarly armored seraph-human guy blew through the country slaying people, the ghost of some monk tirelessly streaked after them.
South America was cast into shambles. In Colombia, every coffee producing plant was inevitably annihilated by some tanktop-sporting white dude with the most fucked up haircut this side of '93. The forests of Brazil, including their inhabitants, were abruptly wiped from existence by high-powered blasts from the laser rifle of a ten-foot solid black robot, who, during this onslaught, uttered curses in Russian.
Cataclysmic lightning bolts rained on the White House. Venomous raptors overran the Philippines. Hiroshima was obliterated (again), this time by a samurai in all black, screaming raven calls as he unleashed apocalyptic destruction. Siberia was melted by god-destroying blasts from the shape-shifting cannon mounted on a young woman's arm. The world, despite its many strengths, powers, and alliances was being raked clean of all life by a band of unidentified assassins from another dimension.
Suddenly, Sir Neptars found a handy Restore-The-World-As-To-How-It-Was-Before-This-Cataclysmic-Invasion button located on the inside of his left shirt sleeve. Upon pressing it, the button had it's namesake effect, restoring peace and prosperity (so to speak) to the modern world.
SPECIAL REPORT: Intrepid Explorers Return From Mt. Mercury Expedition
by Frosty the Prevaricator
Mercury City: The two brave explorers, Sir Fartlek and Sir Vyborny, returned today from their arduous climb of Mt. Mercury.
Mt. Mercury, which was named after Metopia's founder, Sir Schottenfroida, (know as Sir Freddie Mercury at the time) is by far the tallest mountain in the nation. Several attempts to climb the mountain had been made in the past, but no one had ever survived. But then Sir Fartlek, the expedition's leader noticed something the other brave climbers hadn't. The Easy Side. "If you go up the northern face, its really quite easy. I mean, there's paved roads, a nice easy incline, good hotels, even a few Pizza Huts."
And so it was that the brave Sir Fartlek set out to scale the impossible peak. He brought with him his world-renowned climbing partner, Sir Vyborny the Somewhat Brave. The two explorers piled into the Intergalactic Mercedes and were off into Metopian mountaineering history.
"It was definately a hard journey," Vyborny said. "I mean, we ran out of beer on the first day and we almost turned back. But then we found the mythical Fountain of Beer, and we were able to continue."
As the two bold explorers ascended, they faced many dangers. They were assaulted by bears, attacked by cavemen, and at one point were even exposed to two whole minutes of the film, Water World. But the brave explorers pushed on. "There was a lot of competition from groups who were trying to beat us to the summit," Fartlek added. "We saw these two guys who were ahead of us, so we had no choice but to cut their safety ropes, causing them to fall to their deaths on the jagged rocks below."
Despite the many dangers they faced, the two also found untold wonders. Early on they discovered the Inverted Spring of Eternal Youth. They also found several secret gold and diamond mines, an abandoned spacecraft, and the 1964 Brazilian national soccer team. "They tried to eat us, so we had to shoot them," Fartlek reported.
Delayed by a sudden snow storm, the duo spent several days stuck at approximately 11000 feet. Luckily, they were able to catch and eat Robin's minstrels, so they were able to survive the storm. "I think I got a lute stuck in my throat," said Vyborny.
Soon, the explorers were in sight of their goal, the glorious peak of Mt. Mercury. In one final push, the pair finally reached the top. In celebration, Sir Fartlek immediately tried to call his mother on his cell phone. "Damn, no service," he was reported to say.
After placing the Metopian flag at the peak for all to stand in awe of, the bold climbers proceeded with their descent. As they went down, they found one last wonder: The Mysteriously-Placed Marathon Station. Deciding not to ask questions, the two climbers went in and bought a Code Red Mountain Dew each.
Extra Feature: Pictures of the historic climb.
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