THE METOPIAN PICAYUNE

June 2003

World News

MBL Blitzball Aftermath: Double Feature

by Jack-Did-Jill

God Found Drunk

Hiriz City: God today was found drunk in the basement of a local amateur porn artist home tonight after the game between the visiting Hiriz City Hammers and the Vybornyville Harriers. Already large action figures such as the Pope and Bob Marley have already come out in defense of God, saying that it is merely blasphemous lies on the part of the Playboy Channel which bought and immediately aired the video showing God drunk as a mule and then turning into a mule to whip cheese a local female. The Pope states that the incident was a devilish trick by Mephisto- Lord of Hatred who is known to be a stupid soccer player. Bob Marley- who happened to be at the Vatican City for some unknown reason agreed, stating that Mephisto is jealous of God showing his obvious love for the game blitzball and condemning soccer to the dammed. When asked to comment on his father’s behavior, Jesus simply stated:

“I am the Alpha and the Omega”

of course this has absolutely nothing to do with the situation and I believe that Jesus must have been in some adolescent shock to know that his father did such a thing. The video is spreading like wild children running through a JCPenneys because their
moms too much of a pussy to tell the to stop, and they tear up everything and when you tell them to stop THEN she yells at you because their here messed up kids and you tell her that maybe she should have taken a class because obviously she doesn’t know what she’s doing- and then she yells at you again asking if you have kids and know what its like- all the while her kids are running around still
tearing up things, and you say “no but that’s just because I’m smarter than you” and she gets all pissy and throws a fit and you have to ask her to stop acting like her kids and tell her its no wonder they act the way they do because she’s a whiny brat to. So back to the internet- yeah the videos all over the place and it’s this reporter’s intention to go watch it now.

Riot Erupts After Blitzball Match

Meswick, Ireland: After word of Costa Del Sol’s defeat against the Mercury City Meltdown arrived tonight, rioters took to the streets. Cows were set on fire and the local 4-H Club created unrest while local law enforcement sat around playing Irish Scrabble. The riots apparently took place due to anger at the expulsion of Nick Teixeira from the season opening game because of a brawl that occurred during the game. It was a tough night for home gamers all around. Rioters calmed for the 7pm nightcap- Drink Yourself Guinness at the McCollens Bar and W’ore House. Yet rioters immediately picked up where they had left off after closing time (Irish time which has absolutely no meaning since the only two times are Drinking time and Closing time (ie. Riot time.) Chickens were violated and the Provincial IRA had to be called out to quell the violence. When asked what his feelings were about the rioters in a mid morning phone call, John Teixeira, Owner of the Costa Del Sol Guys, had this to say:

“Where in the hell is Meswick?”
The rioters where finally quelled when a Flying Purple People Eater flew from the sky and ate them all. Peace was finally restored to Meswick, Ireland and the chickens are back in the coop.

SDCC Concert Goes Awry

by Frosty The Prevaricator

Stuarts Draft: The current #1 band in Metopia, SDCC, seems to be running into nothing but problems lately. Their recent album "None More Raped," has yet to sell well, and Chris Carper seems to have left the band for good. And now a spectator has caused undue trouble with the band.
It all started at the Stuarts Draft Cross Country 24-Hour Relay. SDCC was invited to play a concert there to spur on the runners as they ran laps to raise money for new uniforms and stuff.
The set went well, with the band playing such hits as "Highway To Hell," "Bohemian Rhapsody," and "Pornography Aisle." They even at one point turned the stage over to those rising stars, Sarah Wade and Katie Laub, who sang their rendition of "The Sweater Song." After the concert was done, the band stayed behind to be the DJ's for other "non-SDCC" entertainment, as well as run laps to help the team. Around 7:00pm, Shawn Wheeler and Brad O'Neil put on Mettalica's new CD "St. Anger." Then the trouble started.
As the songs played, the two noticed that a strange woman was giving them dirty looks. Brad's brother Cullen (who had made a guest appearance for "The Fuck Off Song") pointed it out. "I dunno, she just kept looking at us like we were the scum of the Earth," Cullen later said. What the three didn't know was that the woman's young Casper-faced, double-crossing, dopey-assed son was also in the booth with them. The three thought nothing of it when for some reason, the boy left hurriedly.
A few minutes later, the woman, who will be here only referred to as "mother of the young Casper-faced, double-crossing, dopey-assed son" forcibly entered the DJ booth and accused Brad of calling her a "fucking bitch." Of course the three did not say this (although looking back they should have) and were not sure what to make of the situation. The fucking bitch went on to say she "is a bitch, but not a fucking bitch", which, God damnit, makes no sense. She soon added that "this music sucks." At this point, Wheeler said only, "that's fucking irrelevant."
Like any self-centered Southern inbred psycho dyke whore (or "fucking bitch" for short) she went on to tell the band's manager, and the cross country team's coach, and everybody who would bother to listen to her, as well as several people who could really care less. Soon the three could not contain their anger and went to speak with the manager, who was already being hounded by the fucking bitch. Later, Brad O'Neil stated, "She's really too old to be wearing those shorts." and "she's a fucking bitch."
Soon, after much bitching from Ms. Inbred-Whore (or fucking bitch for short) the indignant lady left, stating "my young Casper-faced, double-crossing, dopey-assed son would not lie." At this, O'Neil (Brad) just made several motions with his hands.
After the incident, Sarah Wade told the O'Neils and Wheeler that the fucking bitch had also not liked their songs either.
In this reporter's opinion, the fucking bitch should keep her own opinions to herself when at an SDCC function when she is in no way related to them in any way, and also that her music probably sucks. What is it? Country?!?!? Buncha lame-o cocksuckers. Anyway, also this reporter should like to say FUCKING BITCH FUCKING BITCH FUCKING BITCH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Stuarts Draft Animal Medics

by Frosty The Prevaricator

Shenandoah Acres: Friday, June 27, 2003, started out like any other weekday (that doesn't start with "T") for the Stuarts Draft cross country team. After completing their day of pre-season conditioning, the team was nearly ready to return to the places they will be from, when suddenly Coach Clifton arrived in his car and said that he had accidentally hit a deer. Thinking it to be dead, the team disregarded it. However, as the second wave of runners came in, Tim Willis reported that the deer, a fawn, was not dead, but just had a broken rear leg. "Well it did," Willis later said. When Akash Patel passed the deer during his run, he stayed with it.
Deciding to help the poor creature, Shawn Wheeler, Brandon Spalding, Brad O'Neil, Cullen O'Neil, Levi Brown, Jarrod Thomas, Allen Clifton, and Jon Lichtenstein (who broke the stick) and the afforementioned Akash Patel formed a 6-car convoy that set off for the local Wildlife Center.
Jon Lichtenstein sacrificed his shirt for the fawn, which probably is still wearing it. Brad O'Neil was selected to sit in the back of $hawn's Explorer with the fawn in order to make sure nothing happened to him. And so they made their way to Waynesboro.
When they arrived, they found that the damnable place was not open 'till 9:00, but through some snooping around they were able to find a doctor for "Allen." In the end, there was nothing they could do for the fawn, and informed the team that he would likely have to be euthanized.
In death, Allen has been apothesized into Allen, the addax-god, and will remain in the spirits of the Stuarts Draft cross country team as they almost certainly win states this year.
R. I. P. Allen Da Fawn
(2003-2003)

Sports

Blitzball Report: Day 1

A Night Of Upsets

by Frosty The Prevaricator

Bench-clearing Brawl Marks Season Opener

Costa Del Sol: The MBL was off to a great start in the season opener yesterday between the Mercury City Meltdown and the Costa Del Sol Guys.
Mercury City stormed into the dnL Dome on Sacrifice Your Enemy Night with an offensive fury no one could have expected. Though Costa Del Sol goaltender Jarrod Thomas was able to stop all shots at first, he was quickly fatigued. Then Guys defender Jonathan Rexrode made an errant pass which landed in the hands of Meltdown defender John Deacon. Deacon booted the ball past Thomas for the first ever MBL goal.
Guys captain Nick Teixeira was unfazed by this development and quickly knotted the score within the next minute on a pass from Andrew Keys. Just before the half, Meltdown forward Tim Willis scored at point-blank range to make the score 2-1.
Then things started heating up. In the early minutes of the second half, Nick Teixeira felt that his team was being fouled by the Mercury City defense. Finally, when Teixeira had the ball, Meltdown's center Cloud Strife gave him a hard elbow to the jaw. Enraged, Teixeira pounced on Strife, resulting in a benches clearing brawl that even involved a few fans. As a result, both Teixeira and Strife were ejected.
Getting the ball back after the fight was broken up, the Meltdown put one more past Thomas to make the score 3-1, which would be the final. In the postgame celebration, Mercury City's Tim Willis accidentally shattered one of the glass walls of the stadium, causing seawater to rush out into downtown Costa Del Sol, washing all the players out to sea. Damages are estimated at 500,000 M¥ (about $2 American.)
Nick Teixeira violently beat our reporter who attempted to interview him after the game.

God Leads Hammers To Victory

Vybornyville: The second game of Opening Night seemed to be in favor of the Vybornyville Harriers, since the visiting Hiriz City Hammers were used to a cold seawater stadium, and were forced to play the game in warm freshwater. But Hiriz City had a secret weapon that no one expected...God.
As early as the opening tip-off, center forward God dominated the middle of the "field". Vybornyville center Willie Robinson spent much of the first half trying vainly to contain his mark, but God was too strong, achieving three breakaways in the first half. Only through three extremely acrobatic saves by goalie Hicham el Gerrouj were the Harriers saved from an early deficit.
El Gerrouj's luck ran out soon, as Ray Lent put a quick shot into the net to give the Hammers a 1-0 lead. Meanwhile at the other end, Hammer goaltender Cullen O'Neil (and sometimes the goalposts) were frustrating all attempts to score by the Harriers. Near the end of the first half, the Harriers caught a break when O'Neil missed a back pass from Kevin Phillips-Bong, which was retrieved by Brandon Spalding who lightly tossed the ball into the empty net.
In the second half, the fatigued Willie Robinson was replaced by Freddie Mercury. The stronger Mercury was able to neutralize God's dominance and bring the game back to an even bout. The second half was a fast and furious one, with control shifting back and forth at an alarming rate. It was almost ended with 42 seconds left by Harrier forward Brad O'Neil (brother of the afforementioned Cullen O'Neil) who took a nice shot from close range. Cullen O'Neil dove for it but missed, but was miraculously saved as the ball struck the far post, and ricocheted back into the open field. From there, the Hammers put together a final offensive rush, which culminated in the game winning goal, a beautiful one-time strike from Ray Lent to God, who had finally managed to get past Freddie Mercury for the first time in the half.
In a last ditch effort to score, Vybornyville brought their entire team, including their goalie to the front lines, but Cullen O'Neil was a wall, deflecting three shots in the last 20 seconds.
After the game, Brad O'Neil said "Of course we're fucking dissapointed with our performance!! This was our stadium and our time to win."

Goalfest at Queens

Queens: The best game of opening night was the last one. In the early minutes, the two goalies, King (Queens) and Dick (Midgar) stood up well to the flurry of shots. Not for long, however.
First, Sephiroth scored for Midgar on an assist from Akuma. Then Garrett Hatter evened the score at 1.
The score was still tied at 1 at the half. Midgar captain $hawn Wheeler entered the game, incensed that his team was actually being match by another team. Right at the start of the second half, Darth Vader scored for the Zoloms, but once again the Royales evened the score quickly, this time on a goal from Shannon Harvey.
Later, Queens forward Jeremy Grant snuck a high ball into the corner past Dick and Queens got its first lead. Midgar then scored on the next drive, this time by $hawn Wheeler. Then Queens started to take control.
The Royale's superior speed manifested itself as the team ran circle around the Midgar defense, before dishing the ball to James Bond who scored on a long shot. But even this time, Midgar responded quickly, with Sephiroth recording his second goal of the game.
Then Queens really took control, with both Jeremy Grant and Shannon Harvey scoring again. With one minute left in the game, the Royales had a 6-4 lead. The Zoloms then started playing extremely agressive blitzball, knocking away any opponent who approached the ball. This strategy paid off, as Akuma and Kazuya scored in the final minute to tie the game at 6.
Although Royale goaltender King blew a two-goal lead at the end of the game, he had an amazing 21 saves, and even stopped Sephiroth's final breakaway at point blank range, which would've been a game winning goal for the Zoloms.

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