THE METOPIAN PICAYUNE
July 2003
Pronounciation Of "Staunton" Challenged
by Dick Didnotwritethisstorybecauseitisstupidsofuckup
Staunton:A typical moron like yourself (you’re a moron if you keep looking at this site being a full of 100% pure, complete, and non-artificial waste of time that you could have spent in thinking about the pronunciation of Staunton. As you will note in the spelling of Staunton, you will notice a U four letters in. StaUnton. So, what in the hell? It all comes down to this. Those of you who say Staunton are wrong you damn rednecks. If you look at the spelling of the last name of the famous women’s rights activist of the early days, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, you will note that it is pronounced as Stanton, but if you are part of this good old southerner (in a southern accent) trash, you think that the city is pronounced Staunton instead of Staunton. Oh yeah! I bet that you say potato instead of potato, and tomato instead of tomato, don’t you, you “some bitch!” So what exactly is the correct and formal pronunciation of Staunton? Well, it is Staunton. It is as much of an insult if you called the name Mantua by the pronunciation Mantua, instead of Mantua. Oh, by the way…, if you are completely lost at this point, go to hell you southern trash. Yankee Pride forever. Go New Hampshire! They will rule the United States. Well, apparently this could start the great War Between the States all over again, but why can’t these rednecks understand that the war ended over 150 years ago.?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!?!
So anyway, it is correctly pronounced Staunton and not Staunton like the rest of the world says, along with these mind-aggravating pronunciations such as tomato instead of tomato, potato instead of potato, and Mantua instead of Mantua. I shall now kill myself.
Pink Cambodia Pandas Live In Staunton
by Jack-did-Jill
Much to My dismay I read the post written by Mr. Richard
Didnotwritethisstorybecauseitisstupidsofuckup.
Fortunately Mr. Didnotwritethisstorybecauseitisstupidsofuckup hit on most
of
the important white trash issues that would have composed of this article
also. So I much to my boredom and dismay, this article will be composed
mostly of the real facts- which we all know are subject to change by the
Panda’s of Cambodia- because as the saying goes: “The past is controlled
by
those who control present.”
So why do we pronounce Staunton wrong? Well I was on the floor of my most
favorite job in the whole wide world- kissing shitty ass retail- trying to
sell bed sheets to some maniac old bald man who probably had just
ruined his best sheets by killing some poor woman who planned on being on
FAME! The next time around. So I'm trying to create chit-chat so
the
man wont kill me, and out of nowhere he begins to talk about
Staunton…and wow almighty that’s a big red underline on that one there
buddy. So we talk about Staunton…didn’t take long to go through about
everything, maybe like a min or two and that just about ran the trough
dryer
than my that-will-teach-you-to-walk-into-MY-apartment-with-wet-paws-again
cat after spending about three days in my dryer on Permanent Press.
So then he decided to go into the history of Staunton and why it was
spelt
the way it was. Of course- it wasn’t a real American’s fault. It was
those
damn British as always, with their “we have such a better language than
you”
attitude. Well of course this stupid British prick needed to establish a
charter for the area of Staunton. Well like most brownnosing British
pricks-
he named it after some rich dike who would never see the stupid area
except
on some MapQuest website. Well even worse, when writing the charter, the
moron misspells Stanton as StaUnton…what drove the British mongrel to
insert
a “U” into the name is a mystery to all still, yet never fear- for I HAVE
solved the answer why. When describing the color Staunton should appear
on
the map (a fagish pink as the Panda’s have told me) the arrogant bastard
decided that like the British spelling for color- “colour” (which also
comes
up red underline on Microsoft Word so of course it HAS to be wrong) that
names should also have a “U” after a noun. Well of course this is just to
show the stupidity of those damn Brits. Unfortunately all American
efforts
to have the name corrected failed as bad as trying to convict O.J.
Simpson.
So for the rest of the years to come- poor illiterate redneck have been
illuded into thinking they have a correct way of spelling like
northerners
have “Marthas Vinyard”(Marthas VinEyard.) It’s a horrible experience of
constant failure that rivals the Boston Red Sox’s attempt to do anything
resembling winning.
Of course this started a trend which has yet to cease. Staunton was
chosen
to be the place for a lunatic asylum- and I quote, “not only
stimulating
the town's economy but also determining the direction of its growth.”
(
From David J. Brown, ed., Staunton, Virginia : a pictorial history,
Staunton, Virginia : Historic Staunton Foundation, 1985.)
So there you have it- everything I learned from a maniac killer and a
really
boring picture book. The rest of my day was spent trying to figure out
what
to do with this useless information- and then I thought…this informations
rivals flat
cross country, or a doughnut hole remover. Thank you Mr.
Didnotwritethisstorybecauseitisstupidsofuckup for
reminding us of this trend of insanity, which has caused me to write and
entire PAGE about Staunton. I think it’s time for me to listen to
“Sk8ter
Boi” and consider killing myself. Oh- and I better go see how dry that
damn
cat is….
Archives for:
If you would like to submit a story to The Metopian Picayune, you can do so here