THE METOPIAN PICAYUNE

All over the place: A strange doin' has a-transpired in Metopia for the first time since 8600 BC when the island was ruled by ape-like creatures and sober Irishmen. This strange doin' was January 32.
Why January 32 came along remains a mystery, but there's one thing that is no mystery, and that is that dnL provides the great taste and refreshing satisfaction that you really need and you just can't find in other new-age sodas. But why it's Jan. 32 all of a sudden, no one has any fucking idea.
The horrible consequences of the arrival of said date should be obvious, but I still choose to relate them. All across the Metopian Empire, chaos ensued. Kratopia was hit first, as the banks and post offices all closed because they thought it was Sunday, which Jan. 32 always is. And so Wendell Mouthbreather-Morrison of Alligator Bay was unable to withdraw the 33 Metopian cents required to purchase a stamp to mail a letter to his lover in Costa Del Sol. So he thought, what would be a place where lots of people go on Sunday...why, of course! A track meet! So Mr. Mouthbreather-Morrison made his way to the Kratopian Collegiate Invitational and murdered 1,893 people in an attempt to obtain a stamp. Finally, on victim #1,893, Jacobin Spratt, a Sustuli postman, he found the item he was after. In particular, he obtained a limited edition "Sir Schottenfroida practicing bukkake on a public toilet" gold stamp. He would be thwarted again, naturally, as the post offices were all still closed. In a rage, he went to the local Screw This store and purchased a box of lugnuts. After swallowing this (he was a mettallophage) he strapped himself to a large bomb and detonated himself in the city center, killing hundreds. The X-rated stamp was also lost in the blast.
Meanwhile, back on the mother island, a Metopolis-based organization of stamp collectors recieved word of the destruction . Upon hearing this, 45 of their members, led by El Presidente Juan-Pedro Guano, proceeded to sail out across the Antarctic Sea to the Metopian-owned Launch Island. After they defeated a contingent of 500 Metopian Elite Soldiers (and 7 Knights of Bohemia, led by Sir Byrun Sexxaseldom) they took over the Metopian Missile Launching Type Deal as well as the brothel which is secretly run out of the basement of the control tower. As they all proceeded to lose their virginities, (they were stamp collectors, remember) they set the entire Metopian nuclear arsenal on what they thought was the city center of Alligator Bay, Kratopia, but was in fact the palace of Sir Vyborny at Vybornyville. Upon the complete annihilation of his palace and murder of everyone inside including himself, Sir Vyborny declared war on the Metopolis Stamp Guild, Kratopia, and Major League Baseball. After massacring the Stamp Guild and a two hour break with the brothel whores, Sir Vyborny decided to phone up Sir Schottenfroida to let him know about the day's events.
Unfortunately, a recent Metopian law (created during the Dictatorial Debates in October) stated that all long distance calls made in Metopia cost 7,000,000 M¥. While the operator put him on hold, Vyborny went over to the bank to get the required money. Unfortunately, the banks were still closed, and Vyborny prepared to make up for his failure by committing suicide. Luckily, the Bohemian Knight chose at the last minute to committ an extroverted suicide, so he killed eight priests and a professional cricketer instead of himself.
Back in Mercury City, Schottenfroida, incensed that the only cricketer left in Metopia had been killed, set about the task of declaring war on Vyborny. He brought in allies from Cangro, Bitopia, and Ohio. At first he also brought about the Pirates of Barbados, but witnessed their bestiality and chose instead to make them members of his cabinet.
As the Vyborny-Schottenfroida War commenced in the hallway of a dormitory at Midgar College, it looked like this new conflict would tear Metopia apart at the seams. Then it was announced that not only are seams illegal in Metopia, but also that the annual January 32nd Parade had started and the hallway was part of the parade route. Severely annoyed but not wanting to interrupt a parade, the two warring leaders decided it would just be best to invade the United States. Within five minutes, Metopia was booted from the United Nations and President Bush was landing ground troops on the shores of Terminus for what he described as "what will be a very swift ending to an ongoing conflict."
As the now four-sided (Vyborny v. Schottenfroida v. USA v. Midgar Parade Planning Committee) battle raged, far off in Cangro, something interesting happened. As the daily Dave Matthews Band concert went on in the capital city, a world class 800m runner, also named Dave Matthews, was screwing January 32nd's wife. Deeply saddened, the mysterious date proceeded to summon a giant dragon named Kierkergaard to wreak havoc on the island republic. Kierkergaard used his laser breath to blast the entire concert into oblivion. In an interview afterwards, the dragon said "Fuck that stupid Winn-Dixie thing!" After that he ate the interviewer, his family, friends, and gay lover in Bolton.
As we finally near the end of January 32 and the dawning of February 2, we are left to wander what could have been done to prevent this. Alas, we have not got much time, as we've just found out that March 0th is coming our way in less than a month. Run for your lives, readers!!!

Josephus “Bleeding Eyes” Manwaring Declares War on Metopian Picayune

by Frosty The Prevaricator