Willie Wankah. Dead or Alive?
by Willie Wankah
Terminus: It has recently come to the attention of this reporter, that Picayune founder and co-editor has been MIA for the past several issues of the picayune. Some of you may have been wondering why. That is what I'm going to tell you. Why.
First, however, pointless speculation!
Bernard Richard Crayolina of Vybornyville said, "Who the hell is Willie Wankah." and "Why do I care if that fucker is dead?" His corpse was found three days later in a trash bin.
Andy "Andrew" Gorbachev replied, "I have noticed his absence. I thought he was dead." His corpse was also found in the trash bin.
No one else was willing to give an opinion for fear of their own mortality. Three of them were found in the aforementioned trash bin.
Now, back to my story. After much specultation and hardcore porn looking at...this reporter was able to come to the conclusion that Willie Wankah was in fact alive, and a serial killer. However, if you try to bring him to justice, he will hunt down your families and massacre your children.
Have a nice day!
MFL Highlights
by Jack-did-Jill
Mercury City: I feel it is my duty to clear up a few things involving the MFL rosters. Avid fans of the MFL, of which there is one, may have noticed that both Costa Del Sol and Terminus both have a player called Death. Incidentally, both Deaths are also up for Semi-Pro Bowl voting. With the Costa Del Sol Guys Death holding first place for fullback(western), and the Terminus Kraken’s Death holding second for offensive guard(western). However both Deaths are not one in the same. The Terminus Death is the movie version Death, with a hooded cloak and mysterious movement. Costa Del Sol’s Death is the Death of Archangel type sorts. Costa Del Sol’s Death typically goes by the nickname “Loki.” Some may think that since Costa Del Sol’s Death may be unduly influenced by Hiriz City quarterback, God. However, if you’ve watched Dogma any time recently, you would know that Death gave God the middle finger and has spend the last few thousand years not working for God, but rather running around convincing nuns to go into stripping. Also you would know that God is on offence, and “Loki” is on defense. To also add with “Loki” is in the Western Conference, and God is in the Northern. So the two never butt heads.
Some other interesting things going on in Semi-Pro Bowl: Immanuel Kant (CDS)
vs. Groucho Marx (MC) for kicker (western conference). Anyone with a clue would know that these two great philosophers have always had it out for each other. The MFL has just given them a way to release their aggression towards one another. By...kicking…a football…yeah…
Also in the rankings, the kicker position for the Northern Conference, finds the O’Neil brothers holding a monopoly, with Cullen in first for Hiriz City and Brad second for Vybornyville. Their great kicking skill is due to the fact they’ve spent so much time kicking each other in the balls- if you were wondering.
Also, it turns out that Juggernaut is a player who is also on two teams, Vybornyville and Midgar. He is also incidentally up for Semi-Pro Bowl voting and is currently 2 nd for inside linebacker(VYP)(northern) and 2 nd place for halfback(MID)(western). The only excuse I can come up with is that two people were gay enough to pick Juggernaut as a player on their teams. Which is a record for there has never been that much faggdom found in all of Metopia- ever.
Hobo Hunt 2004
by Jack-did-Jill
Richmond, VA: It is also my pleasure to inform everyone that Metopia will be hosting its first ever reality TV show, Hobo Hunt- 2004. This is after the great success of Unfair Homeless Fights-2003(more to come on that later.) Insofar there are no official rules yet, nor is there even a site yet. However, the host- Sir Shizerdick(pipingkid@hotmail.com) is asking people to submit to him funny and unusually cruel things to do to homeless people. Also, we are looking for participants who will be traveling to large cities at any times to also drop a line, so that we may branch Hobo Hunt-2004 out to new locations. As of now, Hobo Hunt-2004 will be taking place in Washington D.C., Norfolk, and Richmond. New cities would be welcomed at any time.
More to come…
Frosty's Sports Report
by Frosty The Prevaricator
Metopian Sports Headquarters: It's been a great week in Metopian sports. First the MFL.
The regular season ended a few days early, and it's going to be a great post-season. But first, some bad jokes about the four teams who
didn't make the post-season. How do you keep a Vybornyville Harrier out of your backyard? Put in an endzone! How are the Mercury City Meltdown like the Reverend Jesse Jackson? They can both make 50,000 people stand up and say "Jesus Christ!" What's the difference between the Queens Royales and a dollar bill? You can get four quarters out of the dollar! How are the Terminus Krakens like Princess Diana? They're both dead!!! Okay, now onto the real story.
In the Northern Conference, the Hiriz City Hammers ran away with the conference title, going 6-0 in in-conference matchups. They'll face off against the Kratopia Knights (pronounced Ka-nig-hits) next Saturday in Hiriz City. The Knights, led by all-pro halfback Tee Serra, survived a last game push by the Royales and Harriers to finish 5-5 and take the wildcard spot. This game could have the makings of an upset as Kratopia's all-pro halfback will be facing a mostly Cover 2 defense. If they can play Serra right, and mix it up with short passes and trick plays, then Kratopia has a shot of advancing to the Stupendous Bowl. Kratopia needs to find the team unity they had when they upset the Midgar Zoloms back in Week 5. The only problem is history is against them, as Hiriz City is perfect against the Northern Conference.
Meanwhile, over in the Western Conference, we have a big surprise. Having been the league's best team for the first 9 weeks of the season, the Midgar Zoloms faltred down the stretch and the Costa Del Sol Guys, who had stayed with them all year, took over and won the conference title. The Mercury City Meltdown deserve recognition however, for staring 0-3 and finishing 6-4, including defeats of Midgar, Hiriz City, and Costa Del Sol. But the Western Conference is tough, and even their 6-4 record wasn't enough to get the strongest defense in the MFL into the play-offs. If they'd have been in the North, they'd have been in easily. But as it is, the strong running game of Captain Ferrel, Death, and the Costa Del Sol Guys will be hosting the powerful and confusing Run 'n' Gun formations of the Midgar Zoloms on Sunday. Look for two great match-ups, and God (the Hammers' QB) only knows who will survive the first round to make it into the Stupendous Bowl!!
Speaking of the Hammers, Hiriz City owner Sir Salty Sam has recently become the de facto owner of the Kratopia Knights as well. He has reported that after the MFL season, he will take over the Knights for all future football and blitzball campaigns and will be selling Hiriz City. If anyone is interested in owning their very own football/blitzball team, please contact him at:
Sir Salty Sam
c/o the Royal Toad Trampling Society
32a Studenwacker Road
Sustuli, Kratopia
From football we turn to track and field. The Metopian National Indoor Track Championships will be coming up in early February. Lets take a look at some of the favorites.
In the short sprints its going to be the usual lot, Tim Willis and Intangir are the favorites in the 60, Horst is the favorite in the 200, and Intangir and Jormungand W. Wayneright should battle it out for the 60 meter hurdles. In the field events, nothing much has changed since last outdoor season. Stualts Dlaft Univelsity alumnus (2003) Jim Won'tis should have no trouble winning the high jump, seeing as how he won the world championships last August. Hurricane Bob remains strong in the shot put, his enemy Arthur Cosgrove, the Policeman from Blandenton looks strong in the weight throw, "Mako" will likely take the long and triple jumps, and as usual the pole vault is wide open. The heptathlon looks to be a close bout between the former champion and veteran, the 42-year old Gideon Fortescue-Hash and his student who finally beat the master at last year's outdoor championships, Jacksonville Ford. No one cares about these events though, so lets talk distance.
Some interesting doubling and event switching has taken place as the entry deadline has passed. Bard Nilsson, Metopia's star miler and bronze medalist at the World Championships last summer, has grown bored of winning the mile every time and will be running the 800 as well. At The Metopian Distance Festival last week, he soundly defeated the reigning Metopian 800 champion Andrew Riotor, and things look to be setting up for a Nilsson double championship. In fact, Riotor is so worried about losing his title in the 800 that he will also be running the 400, where he'll face tough competition from the reigning champion dnL Man, as well as first time trackie Tee Serra, who is running for fun between MFL games. It doesn't look good for Riotor, as dnL Man has the endurance too, as he's beaten Riotor in the past at the 800, so who knows what will happen in the 400. (I know, I know, the 400 meter dash isn't a distance race, but distance runners are in it so I'm talking about it here. Fuck off.) Back in the 1500, Nilsson's rival Adolf Hitler VII, Metopia's only other sub-4:00 miler (besides Nilsson) will once again be trying to unseat the reigning champ, but if the Metopian Distance Festival is any indication, he doesn't have a chance in hell. It is for this reason that Hitler is also doubling, though whereas Nilsson excels at speed races, Hitler will be moving up to the longer races. Hitler is ranked first in the 2000 meter steeplechase because the current champion, Napoleon "Nap-Bones" Bonaparte is inexplicably skipping the steeplechase to run the 3000. Speaking of the 3K, Will Friski will have some extra challengers, as the former Kenyethiopian Haichoge Kiplagebrselassie will be dropping down to the 3K, as will, and this is a completely unexpected move, Steve Postfontaine. Postfontaine could have challenged for the 5K title, but apparantly he doesn't want to. Either way, between Friski, Kiplagebrselassie, Postfontaine, and the rookie sensation Wombat Harness, the 3000 could be the glamour event of this meet. The 5000 meters should also be a good race, especially since the current title-holder Lasse Viren Jr.'s long undefeated streak was finally snapped by the Stuarts Draft native Brad O'Neil last week. In pulling off the upset, O'Neil broke 13:00 for the first time, making his PR 12:59 to Viren's 12:57, and paving the way for a shot at the national title. O'Neil is the current holder of the outdoor 10,000 meter title, but of course they don't run that in indoor meets.
The race walks should be some good races, as Allen the Addax-God will be making his appearnce as usual. Watch out for the underdog, Frangor the Race-Walking Robot, a recent invention from the scientists at Addax Labs, Ltd, of Addax, Metopia. Bugs in Frangor's mainfrmae prevented him from doing well in his professional debut last week, but an Addax Labs spokesman said they were all fixed and Frangor is ready to go for the national championships. And of course, Stuarts Draft High School's horrendously slow but somehow undefeated 4x200 team will return to action.
For your reference, here's a list of the events and the current Metopian national champion in them:
60 meter dash (Intangir)
60 meter hurdles (Intangir)
200 meter dash (Horst)
400 meter dash (dnL Man)
800 meters (Andrew Riotor)
1,500 meters (Bard Nilsson)
2,000 meter steeplechase (Napoleon "Nap-Bones" Bonaparte [not running])
3,000 meters (Will Friski)
5,000 meters (Lasse Viren Jr.)
4x200 relay (A. Riegel, C. Carper, J. Thomas, B. Sarbin)
4x400 relay (G. Addax, A. Addax, A. Clinton, d. Man)
5,000 meter walk (Allen the Addax-God)
10,000 meter walk (Allen the Addax-God)
Long Jump (Tim Willis)
Triple Jump ("Mako")
High Jump (Jim Won'tis)
Pole Vault (Hurricane Bob)
Shot Put (Hurricane Bob)
Weight Throw (Arthur Cosgrove)
Heptathlon (Jacksonville Ford)
Well, there you have it, sports fans! Should be an exciting meet.
Incidentally, it has been asked by many people why there are no women's events. Well.....ummm....uhhhhh......lets just say that Tara Altizer (Nelson County, VA) won the pole vault and Lady Ryan won everything else.
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