THE METOPIAN PICAYUNE ARCHIVES
Archives for:
January 2003
Former Draft CC Runner Found
by Willie Wankah
Stuarts Draft Today, while braiding the the backhair of legendary missing-link, Bigfoot, JV runner Alison "little Willis" Willis discovered the body of Holly "that fat girl who quit" (i can't remember her last name).
The body was discovered only 10 feet from the finish line of the new cross country course at Draft. When questioned futher into this matter, "little Willis" simply said, "I hated that bitch".
Then Bigfoot picked up the body and hurled it into orbit around the Earth before returning to
his cave in eastern Kentucky.
SPECIAL REPORT: Multindra Threatening Queens
by Frosty The Prevaricator
Queens, Metopia- The evil beast Multindra has resurfaced and has laid siege to the southern city of Queens.
The beast had not been seen in nearly a month, after its attacks were put down three times by the visiting Knights of Rockbridge County at the Battles of the Valley, Panorama Farms, and Great Meadows. It had been thought that the evil creature would lay low until next cross country season, but in the past few weeks, rumors have spread of its return, and sightings of the beast were reported at the Augusta County Governor’s School, as well as at screenings of the new Lord of the Rings film.
Then this morning, the Multindra suddenly rose out of the Fifth Sea of Rhye and moved towards the shore. Metopian Coast Guard Units were unable to stop the beast before it reached land, and soon it became apparent that the creature was more powerful than ever.
By 9:30 this morning, the beast had already ravaged the small resort town of Costa del Sol, and was heading north. Following the Intercity Railroad Lines, it reached Queens just before 11:00. After about an hour of attacks on the populace, Dictator-for-Life Schottenfroida sent out the entire Metopian Army to Queens. Battles between the army and Multindra have carried on into the twilight hours. Rumors are circulating that the Knights of Bohemia may begin marching to Queens as early as tomorrow morning.
In a statement to Metopia on MTV, Dictator-for-Life Schottenfroida has said that, ”It is important for everyone not to remain calm, and instead panic, and run screaming through the streets like frightened schoolgirls, unless the people in question are schoolgirls, in which case they must run through the streets like really frightened schoolgirls.”
Though the situation is desperate, rest assured the Knights of Bohemia are going to take action immediately, and will take extreme measures, by which I mean they will go and have years and years of negotiations with the horrible beast. And then, if those don’t work, boy, will Multindra be sorry!
Geiko Gecko Goes Insane
by Willie Wankah
Corporate America Yesterday, at aproximately 3 min 12 sec after 1PM E.S.T., the spokes Gecko for the Geiko insurance company is reported to have gone on a deadly rampage. At 1:03:12PM E.S.T the Gecko was reported to have stormed out of his boss's office looking extremely disgruntled. "It was then that I knew something was wrong," said Wanda Kurpieski,"He's always been so calm, so when I saw him that upset, I got scared." The Geiko security cameras recorded the miniture reptile heading out into the employee parking lot before losing him behind an unidentified fly shaped object on the lens of the camera. It was only a few minutes later, that the security system failed. After that, the chaos erupted. At approximately 1:09:07PM, a loud explosion rocked the lower west side of the building. Five minutes later, the police arrived to find bodies scatered throughout the partially destroyed building, but when they got inside, they saw the real horror. A small yet heavily armed, unidentified creature was showering the building, and people with bullets. By the time the police stopped the creature, only 5 employees remained standing, All in all, 16,346 of the 16,347 employees kept their lives (the Gecko was shot to death by the police, the bodies refered to earlier were from a movie that was being shot at the building at the time, the police did not know that the Gecko was just an actor). The police apologized to the family of the Gecko, and gave him a proper lizard burial( flush flush).
Multindra War!!!
by Frosty The Prevaricator
Vybornyville: Though relations have been strained between the Empire of Metopia and the beast Multindra for quite some time now, on Monday January 27th, Bohemian Knights Vyborny and Byrun Sexxalought finally had enough and sent a very destructive insult to Multindra. On Tuesday January 28, (now known as All Hell's Day in Metopia) Parkinson and Bowman of Multindra got the message and declared war (through neutral messengers K. Childress and A. Clawson.) Multindra and Metopia both immediately began to gather up troops, and Parkinson challenged Vyborny for leadership of Metopia (incorrectly believing him to hold that position.) Vyborny sent the reply that he would grladly duel for the leadership of the Knights of Bohemia (his actual position) but has not recieved a reply.
The most recent development in this war was an attack on the Vybornyville base of the Knights on Wednesday. The Knights prepared an second onslaught attack wave for anti-Multindra use, but chose chose to use moderation and not use the attack squad unless further provoked.
On Thursday, Vyborny's Knights were declared the official "Army of Metopia." In preparation for conflict, Vyborny formed a navy under Sir Ironhorse and and an air force to be lead by Byrun Sexxalought. At a conference later that day, the high powers of Metopia convened to discuss a their next attack, which would actually take the three military branches into Multindra's homeland of Defiance Island on Saturday, February 1. Middle East correspondent Jon Rexrode said today that "Multindra is gay." Dictator-for-Life Schottenfroida responded to that comment by saying, "that's not news!!!!"
Tommorrow we will bring you the details of Metopia's forward strike when they become available.
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