THE METOPIAN PICAYUNE

Metopia Enters Great War

By Frosty The Prevaricator, Jon Stuart Cleavage, and BG Jack Teddy

Bitopia: In order to deal with the return of the Apple Butterian threat, Metopia declared war today on Priceless 14th Century Ming Vase of Apple Butter and his Nazi Army of New Isanad. This was just the middle chain in a series of events which has led the entire region of Antarctiana onto the brink of the largest war it has ever seen. Here with a report on how this all came about is Picayune staff writer John Stuart Cleavage.

Cleavage’s Analysis

Well first of all blax hinter tuulgaard, and frizak nineenine frizzlefast, superup spindangle exaxenaxzors falstein viren dea froine. Chumble spuzz.

I apologize for my colleague’s idiocy. Here is intern reporter BG Jack Teddy with his analysis.

BG’s Analysis

BITOPIA OWNZ YOU!!!! DIE MOTHERFUCKERSSSSS!!!!!

Again, I apologize for my colleague’s idiocy and overt nationalism. Here is the real analysis.

Frosty’s Analysis

For the past two and a half years, the various nations of Antactiana have languered in the clutches of war and…you know what, screw it. Just go here for all you imperialistic warmongering. Now go eat me.

Bitopia Next rulers of the world?

By B.G. Jack Teddy

Bitsberg, Bitopia: Yes thats right, Bitopian Ruler Sir Yyunh has heard of the plague that has been spreading through out the lands of Kratopia and Metopia. His plans for Evil world domination are coming sooner than you think. For he will soon rool the world. As we speak he is amassing an army of dummies and tape recorders to, once he hears the news, mass an attack upon metopian soil. Once there he hopes that the death of their leaders will have them in turmoil and despair.

If that plan does not work his evil conquering will come to an end. Thus the end of the Garbage heap that is known as Bitopia. This is BG Jack Teddy Bitopian Channel 3 News Signing off.

Apple Butter: A Comeback Story

By B.G. Jack Teddy

Bitsberg, Bitopia: If you havn't heard the news, The evil A Jar Of Apple Butter, which the Metopians had defeated in 2003, is making a comeback. In a shocking discovery today, Sir Robin of Camelot, whilst riding his great steed on the Great Garbage heap empire of Bitopia, happened across a cave. In this cave to his suprise was a shattered A Jar Of Apple Butter, with lots of peices of bread and a toaster. The bread ran after him with thier spreading knives. Sir Robin barely escaped for his life.

What kind of sign is this that the Apple Butter presents? What is that army of bread doing with a toaster? And why was there a faint scent of mongoose in that cave? There are many speculations and unfourtunaly we have no accurate predictions at this time. This is BG Jack Teddy Bitopian Channel 3 News Signing off.

Metopian Government Suffers From Black Plague

By Frosty The Prevaricator

Mercury City: A freak outbreak of the Black Plague has put many important government officials under the weather for the past few days. The plague was thought to have reached Metopian shores through Barbadian drug-traffickers.
As the plague spread south, it mercilessly killed hundreds of people. Now, the worst has been confirmed, as both Sir Schottenfroida and Sir Vyborny have contracted the disease, as has Kratopian leader Sir Salty Sam. Essentially, the three most important members of Metopian society will be dead by early next week.
The citizens of Metopia have rightfully been anxious about this situation. With the leaders bedridden and dying, Metopia could be taken over by a Bear, or a jar of apple butter (again.) Despite their ailment, Schottenfroida and Vyborny have made plans for what is to happen after their demise. It was announced yesterday that, after they have croaked it, the position of Dictator-for-Life will be taken up by the intellectual scholar Aubrey the Arsehamster while Vyborny’s position of Evil King and Tyrant of the Emiratic Order of the Knights of Bohemia will be given to Magical Trevor, a space-traveling conjurer. Meanwhile, over in Kratopia, the leadership position of the constitutional anarchy will be decided in a three-round fight to the death between two pirates: Salty Sam’s sidekick Johnny Red, and newcomer Cap’n Crimson. Thirdly, although Sir Yyunh is not dying, command of Bitopia will be taken over by the entire historical membership of SDCC (The Band) except Jarrod Thomas. And of course, Weebl gets Hiriz City (still part of Albania.)

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