The Stupendous Bowl Is Here!
by Frosty The Prevaricator
Northern Conference Final
Hiriz City: What an upset! Hiriz City, previously undefeated against its fellow Northern Conference foes, went down to the Kratopia Knights! Wow! Here's how it happened:
The game started off normally enough, as Jackie Teall and Tee Serra led the Knights down the field on their first two possessions for touchdowns, one for Serra and one for back-up halfback Tom Garret. Hiriz City answered back with a touchdown of their own in the second quarter on a pass to Eddie Wachowski, the white afro guy from SSX. The first half ended with a score of 14-7, Kratopia. Then....(yada yada yada)...and then the score was 28-21 Knights with one minute left. Hammers QB God led the team to the near 7 yard line. Scoring seemed inevitable, especially when God threw a third down pass that appeared to be headed right into the hands of wide reciever Eddie Griffin (black afro guy from Undercover Brother) when suddenly, the Knights' fourth string cornerback Ed Martin jumped in front of him, intercepted the ball, and ran it back 97 yards for a touchdown, putting the game out of reach. The Knights are still the underdog in the Stupendous Bowl, but I feel they can beat anyone.
Western Conference Final
Costa Del Sol: This was supposed to be an exciting game and it certainly was. Midgar struck first when Vegeta caught a 14-yard TD pass from Neo, but the Guys came right back on a 75-yard TD to Tony the Tiger. Zoloms kicker Tom Greene added a field goal, and the Guys' Captain Ferrel ran for a 5-yard TD to make the halftime score 14-10 Costa Del Sol.
On the opening drive, Zolom QB Neo threw an errant pass which was picked off by Buttered Toast and this led to another Guys score. On the next drive, Neo fumbled to set up a Guys field goal by Immanuel Kant. With the score now 24-10, the Zoloms became desperate. On the first play of their next drive, it appeared that Buttered Toast would make another INT but Zoloms wideout Sephiroth chopped him in half and took the ball into the endzone. (B. Toast would leave the game due to this injury but he returned in the fourth quarter.) The Guys would score again on a fullback run by Death, and then on another pass tight end Gunnery Sergeant Hartman. Down 38-17 in the final period, the Zoloms poured it on. First Vegeta caught another TD pass, then on the next drive Juggernaut plowed over CDS DL Daredevil to bring the Guys within one score (38-31) with 1:55 remaining. The Zoloms elected not to try an onside kick, and this was their mistake as Costa Del Sol was able to waste the remaining time on the clock without relinquishing the ball. The Guys are definately the overdog in this inaugural Stupendous Bowl.
On a side note: Recently the Don and Mike Show had a contest wherein they sent a blind man to the Super Bowl. Well we at Metopia have, as usual, done them one better. We have a blind man
playing in the Stupendous Bowl, Guys' defensive lineman Daredevil. So ha! Take that Dick and Minge!!! Hahaha!
Sir Vyborny Marries Some Bitch
by Frosty The Prevaricator
Vybornyville: Well, it's official ladies, the irresistably suave denobair shit-stick Sir Vyborny Selivanov (better known as Lenin) has settled down for like the marriage and the pussy.
"I'm really looking forward to the marriage and the pussy," Vyborny said. His bride then slapped him across the face.
Our great Bohemian Knight is joining in forever union with one Tara Altizer, of 52A West Grinstead, Nelson County. She asked the Knight if he wanted to go to some little island someplace and get married. "Want to go to some little island somplace and get married?" were her exact words. Vyborny replied by saying, "Well, I just happen to have an island!" And so the two decided to get married.
Young Ms. Altizer hails from East Grinstead, Friday, but northern France on Saturdays. She enjoys pressing jerks and punching wildflowers. No, thats pressing wildflowers and punching jerks. No, scratch that, its running and drumming.
Sir Vyborny is running superstar, as well as a decent frycook. He enjoys strangling animals, golf, and masturbating. He is the current leader of the Knights of Bohemia, but he sucks at it. In fact, he's the worst leader they've ever had. Here are the highlights of Vyborny's reign of leadership:
1. The Earth did not crash into the Sun.
The two young lovebirds met in an aviary down at Whizborough Junction last Tuesday Night while watching two Neo-nazis fuck a Feminist. The two hit it off instantly, and Vyborny and Tara immediately began to throw mincemeat at each other. This, Tara says, "is when I knew."
"Knew what?"
"That this guy was a total asshole."
"Ah."
Vyborny and what's-her-face still had the problem of getting back to Metopia from their meeting-place in the middle of the Mojave Desert. So Tara used the skills she learned as a noted ratcatcher and Elvis impersonator to steal a luxury cruiser called the Bitanic. We caught up to the Bitanic owner, Mr. Filch-Ed Frigidaire. "She looked so beautiful in her wedding dress as she smashed me about the head with a crowbar and stole my boat."
Once aboard the Bitanic, which they re-named the "S.S. A More Better Boat Than the Edmund Fitzgerald, The Minnow, and the HMS Jupiter Put Together But Not As Powerful As Those Three If You Added The Bismarck (German, WW2) To The Mix But Definately More Better Than The Bismarck (German, WW2) By Itself, Hooyah!", Vyborny began to think of the great advantages to being married. "I'll have someone to hold me when I'm down, someone to kiss me when I'm happy, and of course, Intercourse Italian Style!" Tara then kicked him in the head.
The engaged couple arrived at port of Terminus at twelve-o'theero on February 30, 2007, and then again a week later. At the docks they found a handbag, inside which was lying a fully grown Jack Worthing, JP. Mr. Worthing suggested an orgy, but the two shot him with submachine guns for wearing an ugly tie. The couple then rode in an addax-drawn carriage to Vyborny's home in the Florida Alps. They arranged for the ceremony to be held on Candlemas 4008.
Finally the big day arrived, and everyone who's anyone in Metopia was there. To name a few: Sir Schottenfroida, Sir Neptars, Sir Nobunaga, Sir Byrun "Ernest" Sexxalought, Sir Rand, Sir Shizerdick, Tara's mom, John's Uncle, a monkey, Carter McGavin, Jim Won'tis, Bard Nilsson, the ghost of Freddie Mercury, a can of cheese flavored dental floss, Howard Dean, a Dumb Shit, Sir Strongkey, Homestar Runner, Homestar Walker, Homestar Trundler, Homestar Dicker, Orville Pigdicker, Hooter Stumpfuck, Sir Salty Sam, a nude woman with large breasts, a nude man with large breasts, Ms. Coffey (Bob's mom), Jim the Narcoleptic TV Commentator, Dill the Suicidal TV Commentator, some dude who knows Tara, and John. All the Metopian Picayune writers came and fought over who'd get to do the story, but I won because of a little..."something"...Tara and I did last night when Vyborny wasn't around (I gave her some posies.)
After the preliminary mumbo-jumbo like with the bridesmaids in their whory little miniskirts and the dumbass best man who rambled on like he had a weiner in his mouth, it became apparant that Ms. Altizer was not your average bride, unless by average bride you mean that bitch on the Taco Bell commercial. Instead of heaving a bouquet at the audience, she threw a potted Bird of Paradise, a Venus flytrap, and California Redwood. All three landed on Dill the Suicidal TV Commentator, but he was saved from being crushed by shooting himself just before impact. She then declared that instead of taking on her husband's name, the two would swap middle names. So they were then re-christened Sir Vyborny Lee Ann Selivanov and Tara Linoleum Altizer. The master-on-duty, the Rev. Martin-Mike-Tony-Ritchie-Matt-John-Jon-Andy-Chris-Dave Pants then said, "I now pronounce this fruit 'ta-MAH-to.' I used to say 'to-MAY-to' but...oh sorry, you may kiss the bride." Vyborny then french kissed his new bride before leaping on top of her and had to be restrained.
I caught up to the newlyweds just before they went off on honeymoon to Iraq, and Vyborny said, "Man, I can't wait! Soon I'll be able to have sex whenever I-" at which point Tara sliced him open with a bread knife.
According to the Metopian custom, as the newlyweds went off in their 2009 Plymouth Breeze, the wedding guests pelted them with rice, grenades, and anti-artillery fire. The newlyweds were unscathed, but their chauffer has one hell of a scratch on his left pinky. As they left in their now slightly less not-blown-up Plymouth Breeze, we secretly recorded their first conversation as husband and girl-husband:
Vyborny: "Ah, your eyes are like two gelatinous orbs through which runs the optic nerve which gives us the power of sight!"
Tara: "You suck at this."
Vyborny: "Oh yea? Well you can go to hell you vicious woman of the night!"
Tara: "I should like to see you make me, you deranged fictional character!"
Vyborny: "Ah, anti-Semitism!"
Tara: "Not at all."
Hurricane Bob: "Hello Holly."
Vyborny: "And you!"
Tara: "I want a divorce on account of the fact that you're a complete idiot."
Vyborny: "I'm afraid not, biatch, as I've just had Sir Schottenfroida make divorce illegal in this nation!"
Schottenfroida: (Emerging from glove compartment) "He's right you know."
Tara: "Fuck off."
Schottenfroida: "OK!" (Dies.)
Vyborny: "Can we have sex yet?"
Tara: (Shoves a land mine down his throat.)
And so the two lovebirds went off to their honeymoon, which, because of financial reasons, had to be changed from the glorious Hawaiian island of Molokai to the Vybornyville Inn five miles from the wedding site. Much passionate lovemaking was heard from their vicinity, but it later turned out to be coming from the room of Mr. and Mrs. James Hitler next door. Vyborny and Tara spent the night watching "The Unabridged History of Dirt." Later Tara ran off with her REAL love, Dick Didnotwritethisstorybecauseitisstupidsofuckup, and Vyborny married his hand.
Wedding Pictures
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