THE METOPIAN PICAYUNE ARCHIVES
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February 2003
O'Neil Goes To States
by Frosty The Prevaricator
Fork Union, VA: Stuarts Draft has added another chapter in what is surely its finest indoor track season yet. On the girl's side, Lauren Diggs went to states for the high jump, and Bobbi Eaves went on in the 55m hurdles. More interesting however is the story of the boys team.
To start with, the famous "Slowest Ever" 4x200 meter relay team who went to regionals with a time of 2:01 ran the event in a time of 1:03, but were disqualified when the judges looked at the replay and found that anchor leg Brian Sarbin had in fact accidentally worn a Broadway uniform. Jeremy Rowe was unable to qualify in either the 300, 500, or the hurdles, owing to the fact that he was tired from all that singing. However, Brad O'Neil ("The Curly-Haired Bastard") was able to qualify for states in the Mile event.
Brad knew ahead of time that he could not ever qualify on his natural talent alone, so he decided to use illegal steroids. Unfortunetly, his source, Coach Ron Witherow of Fort Defiance refused to sell him any until he paid for the last batch. Desperate, O'Neil hatched a cunning plan. He hid himself inside one of the toilets in the men's room. When Will Williams of Rockbridge sat down to take a dump, O'Neil inserted a tube into his *CENSORED* and siphoned much of his testosterone. He then placed this pure steroid into a syringe.
As he was about to take the performance enhancers, however, he decided he would share some with that long haired kid from Spotswood (Chris Foster-Baril.) As he started looking for him though, he got hit in the eye with a relay baton, and, unable to see straight, he mistook Daniel Kane of Louisa for the Spotswood runner. The two of them hid under the scorer's table and shot up for the next three hours.
Unbeknownst to the two artificially enhanced runners, they had just shot themselves up with a combination of testosterone and heroin. (Williams later said he didn't know how the heroin got in his bloodstream, but escaped police arrest by running 2700 consecutive sub-4:30 miles towards the Mexican border.) O'Neil started noticeing some of the effects when he was at the starting line for the mile and suddenly the starter turned into a pink elephant with a blunderbuss. As the race started, Kane and O'Neil took off at full speed in the wrong direction, and on lap 3 they flew into a duet of "Under Pressure" by Queen and David Bowie. On lap 7, O'Neil tripped over Chris Northrop of Lee's foot and fell into Andy Eaton of Monticello. Northrop and Eaton got into a great big fight, which lasted for several hours before Kippy Keino came in and sedated the two with a tranquilizer gun. It all worked out in the end, however, as Kane went on to win the event in 3:27, while O'Neil finished 5th with a time of 12:34.
After the race was over, Kane went over to Faquier standout Sarah Bowman and asked her out, but while she was considering the offer, Kane threw up all over himself. Kane then went on to win the pole vault, and then went outside and sprinted towards Winchester, and he has been missing ever since. Meanwhile, O'Neil wandered into the girl's bathroom and vomited in a sink. As he left, he noticed that the girl's 3200 meters was going on, and he decided to enter. He lapped the field, but on Lap 18 he was struck in the head with a shot and he passed out face-down in the long jump pit. As he woke up with a severe hangover three days later, he was yelled at by a certain runner's parent who shall here be known only as Faggotty Dad. While this was going on, the afforementioned Foster-Baril decided that he wanted no part of this and went and hid in a basin.
In amazing new study, Tae Bo workout video found to increase weight gain and lack of physical fitness.
by Willie Wankah
In a recent study at the Iowa Institute of Medicine, scientists determined that people who used the Tae Bo workout video's for a year or more actually gained 5 to 10 pounds, and lost over two minutes on their average mile times. They determined that because of the type of motion and supposed "fitness" exercises shown in the videos would only benifit those who were morbidly obese. The studies showed that the types of punching and kicking actions shown in the Tae Bo video's triggered chemical agents within the person's brain that when released, cause the Tae Bo user to gain large amounts of weight at a time. Also, when interviewed, the now rich creator of Tae Bo was quoted to say, "I don't recommend Tae Bo for anyone, at first it seemed to work, but then everyone started gaining weight, and this study came out. Now I have rhuematoid arthritis in my back, and am confined to a bed. I'd give all this money back if I could destroy Tae Bo." These results hold true for 95% of all interviewed user's of Tae Bo.
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