Something is Amiss in Metopia This Holiday Season
by Jack-Did-Jill
Mercury City: This holiday season, Metopians everywhere are faced with a dilemma. Santa is dead! After MORAAD (MetOpian Radically Awesome Air Defense) shot down the jolly fat guy last year with an ICBM loaded with tinsel and death, Santa had to fight his way through Kratopian rebels in Costa Del Sol (resorting to cannibalism to keep his considerable bulk), fight off rival penguins, and climb Mt. Mercury to send out a distress signal for rendezvous pick up. He has stated he will no longer be making present deliveries to Metopia this year, and wont even have the courtesy to bring us coal for our stockings. When asked why this was so, Santa stared at this reporter and proceeded to let out a jolly laugh which abruptly ended after I tossed a chicken bone into his open mouth. After Mrs. Claus, along with some of the elves succeed in saving the choking Saint Nick, I immediately demanded presents of beer, money, and hot women for all Metopians this holiday season. I was promptly held at candy cane point, and throw out into the cold.
This can not stand. Who will provide us with our beer, money, and hot women for the year to come? Surely not our benevolent Dictator-for-Life…no surely not he. So this holiday season I demand we make a preemptive strike on the North Pole. This reporter will not shy out of his forced civic duty either- oh no! Nor will I be simply “imbedded” with any unit of our brave Knights of Bohemia (because that sounds really, really gay.) No I will take full pay military leave of the Metopian Picayune to lead a group of our finest Metopian Imperial Guards. The North Pole is heavily guarded and many will die in this venture, but I fear what we shall do if we do not receive our beer, money, and hot women this year…it could spell disaster for all of Metopia!...and maybe the rest of the world but who cares?
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