December 2003
THE METOPIAN PICAYUNE
Hurricane Bob Is Dead
by Frosty The PrevaricatorLynchburg: Famous Metopian citizen Hurricane Bob has died. The Metopian national shot put champion, founder of the phrase "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!!", strict hater of homosexuals and Democrats, and SDCC runner is no more.
Hurricane Bob boarded the Stuarts Draft High School Indoor Track team's bus just before 7 am on December 13th. The team left around 7:10 (when distance runners Brad and Cullen O'Neil finally bothered to show up) and headed for a meet to be held at Heritage High School in Lynchburg, Va. Once there, the team captains met with Turner Ashby runner Peter Griffin and they set up a final showdown between Hurricane Bob and his rival Tornado Andy, to be held at the district meet in February, which may or may not have been a 3200 meter race (an event in which Hurricane Bob is undefeated, 1-0.) Bob's event was the first event of the day. Bob threw the shot a personal record of 35 feet 6 inches, more than 5 feet better than his season-best from last year. Things went downhill from there, however.
After he had finished with the shot put, Bob fell horribly ill. Unable to get medical attention because he could not leave the meet, he langered in and out of consciousness through the rest of the day. A small child even crossed his path during the 600 yard dash, and Bob was too weak to scream obscenities at it. SD runners feared for the worst.
Soon the meet was over, and while the others left for such diverse places as home, or Lynchburg College, Bob drove home with utmost care, but still barely made it to the door. He did not even get out of bed all Sunday, not even to yell at his
Though we may have lost such a great man, we will remember him in death. He goes down in history with the greatest of the Bob's, like Sideshow Bob, Bob Dylan, Bob Dole, and Marvin Gaye. We will always remember the time(s) he swore at small children, just for the hell of it.
Here is tasteful memorial for Hurricane "Buffalo" Bob:
MFL Report
by Frosty The PrevaricatorMFL HQ: The inaugural MFL season is halfway completed, and I'm here to discuss how its going. So far, the league has had great success, raking in the money faster than you can say "pnuemonultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis." I asked the league's founder and commisioner, Mr. Necro H. Philia, what he thought about all of this, and he said "Fuck off, Frosty. All you journalists are full of liberal bullshit. Or was it conservative bullshit? Anyway I can't remember exactly, I think it was liberal but maybe not and anyway, leave me the fuck alone." Great words from a slightly less great man. Anyway, here is my view of the MFL situation at the halfway point.
MFL North
Hiriz City Hammers
Hiriz City, a franchise owned by Sir Salty Sam, has so far proved to be the best team in the Northern Conference. Led by their QB the almighty God, the Hammers' run and pass balance is hard to beat. At least in the North. The Hammers have yet to win a single game against a Western Conference foe, having lost already to Midgar and Mercury City. God struggled in both games, though HB Marcus Glenn shined. This team can beat anyone in their conference, however it looks like the Western Conference is the more powerful of the two. I pick this team to get to the Stupendous Bowl, but get destroyed by the Western representative.Kratopia Knights
Pronounced "ka-nig-hits," this new team (non-existant in the blitzball league last summer) with new management (Sir Noha Ironballs is the newest Knight of Bohemia) has shown an amazing ability to hang with the established teams. Despite a rough start, they've won two straight, even knocking off the Midgar Zoloms, the last remaining undefeated team in Week 5. The team is carried on the able shoulders of halfback sensation Tee Serra, who can reduce any front-seven in the league to nothing, averaging 9 yards a carry. He is currently number 1 in Semi-Pro Bowl voting for his position. Kratopia has another advantage in jet-lag. They play all the way out in Kratopia, which, in addition to being out of the way, is also extremely hot. Last week, they hosted a game in 89 degree weather while the Royales and Krakens froze their asses off in the sub-ten Queens weather. This team can challenge the Hammers if Serra avoids injury.Queens Royales
The whipping boy, as it were, of the blitzball league, the Royales have been able to turn things around, ever so slightly for the MFL. While not on par with either Kratopia or Hiriz City (or any team in the Western Conference) they have a slight chance of taking the wild card spot in the North. They're halfback Hades is just plain amazing, and kidnapping Brett Favre to play quarterback was an excellent idea. This team should be good in the coming years.Vybornyville Harriers
One of the most powerful offenses in the league....is 1-4, on account of their just plain awful defense. No matter how many points the offense may rack up, the defense simply gives up more. The team said they would turn things around after the Week 4 routing by Mercury City (24-0 to be exact) but it just hasn't happened. QB Brandon Spalding, RB Steve Prefontaine, and WR Freddie Mercury are really doing all they can, but the defense just won't let them have any glory. Look for head coach Marvin Lewis to start changing up the defensive personnel soon, or the Harriers will slip even further off a potential play-off berth. The one shinig star for the Harriers has been Dr. Weird, the kick return specialist, who leads the league in kicks returned for touchdowns (2).MFL West
Midgar Zoloms
The best team from blitzball (at least until they were upset in the final by Hiriz City) is the best in football as well. Midgar does everything well, but they especially excel in the passing game. They were the last team to remain undefeated all the way through week 5, when they were upset at the last second by Kratopia, 22-21. Coach Hitler is very pleased with his team's performance, saying "mein schwanz est gross!" This team's only competition in the Western Conference is Costa Del Sol, who they have already beaten once. This team will probably have locked up a playoff spot by week 7.Costa Del Sol Guys
The Guys are the suprise team of the MFL. Their only loss is to Midgar, and they've kept up with them all year, together outdistancing the rest of the West. This team, which relies on a west coast style of offence, has amazed its fans with absolute routs of Vybornyville and Terminus. They, like Kratopia, are also popular due to their weather, as Costa Del Sol is still holding steady in the 80's while the rest of Metopia is being snowed in. An already popular tourist spot in the winter months, Costa Del Sol's city council is absolutely loving the funds that the Guys bring in. This is a young team on the rise and is gunning for Midgar in Week 8.Mercury City Meltdown
The Meltdown, owned by our dictator-for-life Sir Schottenfroida, came back from an 0-3 start to get to 2-3, beating Northern leader Hiriz City last week. They have the most powerful defense in the league, which allowed them to destroy offense-oriented teams like Vybornyville. They utilize a radical new defensive alignment which has 11 linemen, and somehow still can cover the pass. But while this team could possibly win the North (or at least be in play-off contention) they currently find themselves 3rd in the powerful West. They'll need to step it up in the second half to beat out either Midgar or Costa Del Sol, the two best teams in the whole league.Terminus Krakens
Terminus came into being as an expansion team with the Knights, but their story could not be different. After winning the opener, the Krakens have skidded to four straight losses, even losing to Queens. Bullseye's pass early, pass often strategy works well until the fourth quarter, when the Krakens fall apart. You can almost set your watch by it. Nevertheless, Terminus does have the honor of being the only team to have not given up a single sack, as well as leading the league in passing. But for some reason, this just doesn't seem to be working. With the same record as Vybornyville, Terminus' situation is even worse because they are stuck in the powerful Western Conference.So there you have it, folks, the state of the league at the midway point. I'll be back again later to see how we've come along.
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