THE METOPIAN PICAYUNE ARCHIVES
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Martha Stewart Abducted By Aliens
by Willie Wankah
Bali- Today, while shopping for a rubber chicken made in Bali to complement her new torture chamber, Martha Stewart, the beloved homemaker and inside trader was abducted by little green Jamie Farr look-alikes.
The response of her adoring fans was breathtaking as they gathered around the crashed space ship demanding that she be released. One fan gave this quote, "It was Martha who first plugged me in and set me to rotary. As I circulated air that first time, I knew it was true love."
After two exhausting hours, Stewart was finally released.
Then in a shocking turn of events an enraged ex-fan turned refrigerator jumped from the crowd screaming, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU USED INSIDER STOCK TIPS AND LOST ME ALL MY MONEY!!", then the refrigerator attacked killing Stewart.
As there are no laws against murder by refrigerators, the police determined that the cause of death was natural and her carcass was used as fuel by the fleeing aliens.
100 Dead, 500 Injured in Segway Explosion
by Frosty The Prevaricator
Hiriz City- The sudden explosion of a "Segway" people mover caused catastrophic death tolls on the streets of Hiriz City yesterday. At least 100 are confirmed dead, and still more have not been seen since the blast.
The rider, Mr. Orville Mientkewicz, was dazed but unhurt. Mientkewicz told reporters, "Well sir, I, uh, well what happened was, um, mumblemumble..five dollars? Get out!" A spokesman for Mientkewicz, Mr. Kevin Phillips-Bong, said that what Mientkewicz meant to say was that he was passing the local adult bookstore on his Segway when he suddenly felt an very strong urge to get an entry level job at K-Mart, despite his advanced age of 103. As he crossed the street, however, the Segway stopped moving, made three strained noises, and then exploded. Though everyone within twenty feet was disintegrated on the spot, Mr. Mientkewicz appears to have survived because of excessive amounts of radium in his bloodstream he obtained after 50 years of working as a sewage farm attendant.
The local sherrif, a Mr. Emily Contagious said in a press conference this morning, "I think what happened yesterday was extremely funny. I mean tragic."
Bienvenuto Costello, a local ratcatcher and pianist for the heavy metal band, Cheese Wheels For Swine, is quoted as saying, "This sucks, man."
Salty Sam Fails in Bid to Assassinate Osama bin Laden
by Frosty The Prevaricator
Mercury City- Salty Sam, the 'sanitation engineer' for the Knights of Bohemia, failed in his first job as official lackey to Sir Schottenfroida.
Schottenfroida's first mission for Sam was, quote, "Swim to Afghanistan, and rape Osama bin Laden with this pair of scissors." When asked if he'd accept the job, Salty Sam was said to have shrugged, saying, "Work is work."
And so Sam began his his swim to Afghanistan. He made the trip in 12 hours, 42 minutes, and 16 seconds, barely missing the world record set by Adolf Hitler in 1932. Some rumors have spread, however, that he was helped in the swim by the fact that he is, in actuallity, an alligator, but those rumors went uncorroborated.
After washing up on the shores of Baghdad, Sam immediately went to work with the problem of actually finding Osama bin Laden. He searched for almost ten minutes when Osama's wife told him to follow the neon signs reading "This Way to bin Laden." Osama's wife said later, "Sam was definately the third tallest person I have ever met." Sam found his target in a saloon called the Dusty Dipshit. The confrontation began.
After a struggle of almost three minutes, Sam was able to use a submission hold to neutralize his opponent, and a Granby Lock to throw him to the ground. (Many miles away, Weeks trembled for no apparant reason.) He then went about the duty of raping his quarry with the scissors. When he was finished, the man said in a French accent, "You seely Englishman, I am note Osama bin Laden, I am being Usamo bin Lauden!"
"Oh, terribly sorry," Sam apologized, and returned to his search. Then the Frenchman said something irregular. "Would you like to come to my place?" Salty Sam fled so fast that he broke Hitler's long standing recond by five hours.
Despite this, Sam showed grace in defeat, and, when asked about his regrets, responded only with, "Why did he call me an Englishman?"
Napoleon "Nap-Bones" Bonaparte enraged.
by Willie Wankah
Paris- This morning, while carving a piccolo out of dead skin from his left foot, Napoleon "Nap-Bones" Bonaparte discovered that his great great nephew twice removed, Usamo bin Lauden had been raped with a pair of scissors.
Nap-Bones immediatly set out to find who had commited such a horrible crime. He used his zombie powers of felo-de-se to travel at 1/12 the speed of sound.
Upon arriving in France, he immediatly forgot what he was there for, and took control of the French government in only two days, breaking and old personal record).
After several months in control of the gov't, Nap-Bones finally remembered his original mission. He immeadiatly ordered that an exhaustive search be held to find the rapist of Usamo bin Lauden. Thinking that he was aiding terrorists, the UN kicked out Nap-Bones and the former president was reinstated. With no where else to go, Bonaparte apollogized to his nephew, Lauden and returned to Metopia for another 175 year wait, until he could one day, once again, rule France.
Wilson vs. Draft(Varsity)
by Willie Wankah
Fishersville, Va.-Thursday, December 12, 2002 at Wilson High School, Stuarts Draft Boys Basketball defeated the Wilson Memorial Hornets, 67-62. At the tip off, the Hornets immeadiatly won control of the ball and got off to an early lead.
They would extend this lead and hold it until the final quarter, when Draft decided to stop fooling around and crush the Hornets as the should. In a matter of minutes, the Hornet lead was down to one point and there were only minutes left.
With a few quick drives, the Cougars took control of the game and took a 65-58 lead. A few drives later with the score at 67-62, the buzzer went off and there was an explosion of cheers from the cougar section of the gym.
After the game, several Hornet fans aproached Vyborny and I(Schottenfroida). They accused us of rigging the game and began to menacingly move towards us. It was at this time, that the toilet scrubber and lackey, Salty Sam used his scrub brush to hit the Wilson attendees over the head. We(Vyborny and I) took this opportunity to jump 15 feet in the air and kick all the Wilson fans in the head. Then we picked them up and threw them half a mile. I don't think any Wilson fans will be messing with the Knights of Bohemia for awhile.
Friday the 13th Goes By, Nobody Cares
by Frosty The Prevaricator
Mercury City-Friday, December 13 went by yesterday and not a single person in the area of the Picayune's circulation said anything about it being a day of bad luck or anything to that effect, though black cats and broken mirrors were up 12%, and ladder avoidance and rabbit foot sales also increased.
Sir Vyborny was increadibly pleased. "I am highly gladdened by the fact that I didn't have to put up with any morons being scared of Friday the 13th. It really shows that Metopia is moving into the future, and that we are no longer governed by tradition, superstition, or false religions."
Sir Vyborny Sued by Brian May
by Frosty The Prevaricator
London-Brian May, the guitarist for the 70's and 80's rock band Queen, announced today that he, along with bandmates John Deacon and Roger Taylor, and the estate of Freddie Mercury, was suing Vyborny Selivanov, for illegally using the line "governed by tradition, superstition, false religion," from the 1991 Queen song, Innuendo. Spokesmen for Sir Vyborny said at the time, "get the hell out of my office!"
And so May took a different approach. Smashing open the doors of Vyborny's 3-up, 2-down, 1-to go summer treehouse in Kyoto, May entered the great hall, tied Vyborny with duct tape, and beat him with a guitar. (Rumors that John Deacon also beat the Evil King and Tyrant with a bass guitar and that Roger Taylor smashed his head open with drumsticks before throwing a cymbal at him are unconfirmed, as are other rumors that the ghost of Freddie Mercury struck him three times with a microphone before dropping his piano on him.)
At the hearing that afternoon, Vyborny tried an insanity defense, but the strategy backfired, as it instead accidentally proved that Brian May was insane, and Vyborny was sentenced to twenty years in a London prison, but with good behavior was out in two weeks.
As for the 15M¥ ($10,000,000,000) he was ordered to pay to Queen, a strange substitue appeals judge named Hon. Schotten Froida threw out the payments on the basis that the ghost of Freddie Mercury was not properly attired for a courtroom setting. After the trial ended, Brian May and Roger Taylor had a good time, signing autographs and screwing groupies. John Deacon, in a press conference that night, said, "I am the member of Queen that nobody cares about." Meanwhile Freddie Mercury was reported missing, presumed still dead. When asked how he felt, Vyborny responded, "I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy."
Animatronic Garfield Suspected In String of Murders
by Willie Wankah
Orlando, FL Several people in the last few days have claimed to have witnessed former United States president James A. Garfield in the act of murder. This claim only days after Disney World reported that their animatronic caracture of Garfield was missing.
Disney World was working on their latest project, installing Artificial Intelligence chips in the hall of presidents, when they discovered that one of their experimental world domination chips was missing. On further investigation, the Disney scientists discovered that the animatronic Garfield had disappeared. Putting two and two together, the scientists realized what had happened and immeaditaly notified the authorities.
Be warned, Garfield is armed and dangerous. If you do happen to see a dead former president moving toward you. Slowly repeate the pledge of allegiance while backing into a building to call the police. Until the apprehension of this villianous robot, citizens should remain on high alert and always carry a bottle of water with you.