Bonnythorpe Kills Ty-Twatte Over Cup Of Tea
by Frosty The Prevaricator
D'Accord: This small community located in the French Sixth of Midgar was torn apart by a sudden lightning storm thought to have been caused when the guy down the hall from me rapped at a college party last night.
In related news, two of the most promenent citizens of D'Accord, air-traffic control chief and wastebasket builder Sickle-Cell Anemia Bonnythorpe (Age 34) and gymnast, notice board, and "I do what what most people would rather bite open their skin and suck out their lungs through a bladed straw made of titanium than do kind of girl" Carly Patterson Ty-Twatte (Age 17) were involved in one of the most dubious happenings ever to grace the two-up, two-down, three-to-go happy-go-fuckyourself hamlet on the outskirts of town over by the river and left at the Sheetz where Jacko was found being eaten alive by Freddy Prinz III (unborn).
It seems that Mr. Bonnythorpe was attempting to garner Ms. Ty-Twatte's services as a short order cook when she said "I'll do anything you want if you can say it in three words or less and it involves tea." So Bonnythrope responded with "Make me some tea. Oh fuck! Sorry, I meant 'Make me tea.' Yes, that's it. Oh, and sorry about saying fuck. Really unnecesarry."
But before he could finish his inner fantasy of drinking tea while chaining Ms. Ty-Twatte to the 3:58 stopping train, the young girl informed him that Swaziland had been invaded and she'd been drafted, under new Metopian law that stated that all attratcive young women between the ages of 13 and 19 were to be sent over to Sir Schottenfroida's place for undetermined purposes, and that she regrettably could not fix his tea. Well that's when Bonnythorpe got really pissed off.
For you see, Mr. Bonnycastle suffers from Jarrod Thomas Syndrome, which, in addition to acting like a baby all the time, also results in him always changing the last half of his name for no apparnt reason at all. So when Mr. Bonnypants heard that his tea would have to be mixed and served by one Mrs. Gretegern Sitcheratch-Spit, who looks like the love child of Carrot Top and Tony Soprano, Mr. Bonnybitch whipped out a revolver, two packs of gum, and his pathetic excuse for a ***small intestine*** and proceeded to blow Ms. Ty-Twatte away.
The other patrons of the bar ran out into the street where they were quickly pissed on by two girls from a track party at L.I.S.S. (Lynchburg Institute of Stupid Showers) whom they proceeded to make out with while recieving a back rub from the Olympic silver medalist at 10,003 meters, Kevin Phillips-Bong.
You see, Phillips-Bong came from a poor family and so he never had much money or clothes or anything like that but he made up for it by having a very large, in fact humongous ***imagination.*** So whenever Kevin would rub his magic snake, Fluffy, three times an hour for six years, he would be transported into a reign of terror, chaos, and torture that makes a smashing film. The Metopian Picayune said "It was a smashing film." The Metopian Times said "It was a filming smash." And the Christian Reporter-Journal said "Did you SEE that shot of Shelane Flanagan with the cameltoe?!?!"
Meanwhile back at his autumn home on the moon, Mr. Bonnygambolputtydevonausferetcetera release a statement written in a poor attempt at French which read, "I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of ass. No wait, sorry, I mean to say, I cam here to kick bubblegum and chew ass, and I'm all out of vodka. No I'm terribly sorry but it is of course, I'm all out of chewleass and I'm here to bubble your kick. No I'm so so so so so so so sew so sorry, but I've forgotten what it was I wanted to say. Maybe I really AM Leapy Lee...."
Giant Snake Terrorizes Metopia
by Willie Wankah
Terminus: Today, during an impromptu lawn bowling match in the bathroom of the Ritz-Carlton motel in downtown, a giant snake devoured three ex-XFL players and a garden gnome. Scientists say this creature was previously known to exist only in the Science Fiction documentary, BOA. After tunneling under the pacific ocean from Antarctica's Top Secret International Prison, the snake began terrorizing Terminus. It continued through the motel and disappeared back into the hole from whence it came. Efforts are being made now to re-seal the hole using celephane wrap and chicken bones.
Also, in a top secret report stolen from the Pentagon in Washington today, high ranking officials from NASA and the CIA are citing a napkin drawing as conclusive evidence that this snake is very very big. Thank you NASA.
We will have more updates as the snake continues to eat people alive.
Stuarts Draft Wiped Out After Brad Goes Off the Deep End
by Frosty The Prevaricator
Stuarts Draft, VA: We all knew it was bound to happen. Former Stuarts Draft runner Brad O'Neil got more and more sick of the people living in the small town heap of shit that is sometimes called Stuarts Draft. For nearly eighteen years he had been teetering on the edge of a precipice that lead straight into utter hatred. No one is sure exactly what finally pushed him over. Was it the arrogant jocks? Was it the smartass physics teachers? Was it all the stupidity flowing through the veins of all Stuarts Draft residents, man, woman, and child? Or was it just thoughts of a community that could produce that truck driver? Regardless of what is was that finally drove him over the edge, the destruction was complete.
Over the past four years, Brad had practiced a type of magic without a k morons that involves invoking some sort of demonic entity called Wille Robinson and results in the complete and total destruction of anything in it's path. Yesterday, he finally cast said magic without a k.
The citizens of Stuarts Draft woke up yesterday from their lives of being jizz-sucking asswipes to see the sky ripped open by a flashing magical 'bullet with butterfly wings.' They screamed in terror as the bolt hurled rapidly through the sky and down to Earth. Suddenly all the American sport athletes realized that yes, cross-country
is a sport after all, one which requires more toughness and athletic ability than their pathetic specialized ball sports. All the smartass physics teachers realized that their mockery of the younger generation is only a shield that keeps them from realizing their own utter ineptitude. All the self-righteous actresses realized that crying victim and then fucking everyone in sight doesn't make you Heaven-worthy after all. And all the arrogant talentless losers like that truck driver sat around fondling themselves because they were too fucking dim to notice that their time had finally come. The magic with no k dipshits bolt finally struck the ground in Forest Springs about 9:27 am.
The immediate result was that the very earth itself was rent asunder. Boiling water rushed out of the fractured earth as lightning and meteors flashed from the sky. Buildings crumbled, and those that weren't owned by death from above were swept away and scalded by the rapidly rising water. "LEARN TO SWIM, FUCKERS!!!" Brad was heard to have shouted.
As far away as Roanoke, people could hear the tormented screams of all the people who can keep a straight face while others suffer, those who believe the war in Iraq is right, (fuck it, Republicans in general) and all those fatass whores who think their fatty breasts hanging over their shirts look nice.
In less than an hour more than half of the town was gone. As for the egotistical self-servers who are always reminding us normal people how high in the class rank they are, those vomit-like worthless people saved themselves from the rising tides by building a boat made out of solidified ego and powered by self-satisfaction. (The dumber members of the community had tried to beat the water by firing at it with high powered hunting rifles and/or heaving beer bottles at it.) But these smart ones were not going to make it much longer as the swarm of gadflies came around 11:41. They had beaten the water and the meteors, but the gadflies picked them apart while they still remained alived. And then of course those drama queens with their constant tears and wailing were the next to be ripped to shreds. Anyone whose emotion ever fluctuated as a result of a high school dance came next, then the gossipy sluts who reach climax just by hearing who fucked who last night.
Brad decided to forgo the plague of frogs in favor of something cooler: Tyrannosaurs!!! The great rulers of the Cretaceous violently devoured the loud obnoxious little freshmen who try and impress the 'upper class' of high school society by being whores. Next they devoured the people that think they ARE the 'upper class' of high school society. Usually these people hang out in slutty costumes at football games. Finally the great lizards stomped and devoured certain overly Christian fanatics who think that "God" is theirs and theirs alone, and spit on the Muslims or Jews or even the other kinds of Christians. These ones tried to part the waters like Moses only to find that because of the way they've acted, God would rather be an atheist than help them. Oh yea then they ate all the conversation-dominators and dominatrixes who have the tendency to be cheerleaders.
Brad temperarily calmed the chaos to take a dump, but then he started it up again by setting the national forest on fire. The conflagration spread towards all the henchmen who are insecure about themselves but get by on standing behind very big people who like to stick their faces in yours. Then next came the Republicans who survived the last time because damnit these guys are everywhere! Death came swiftly next to all the Southern men who in half a second would "bring back slavery and beat their wives and lynch the niggers and kill the homos," and who do all this anyway. As for short people who are arrogant and self-righteous and who go to private school but still hang around at Stuarts Draft HS athletic contests and pretend their life has meaning, Brad just shot him.
Finally there was only left that truck driving man. Brad thought about dragging out his death over the course of 10,000 years of excrutiating tortures....but instead realized how much whining he'd have to listen to so he just dropped a 16 ton weight on his head. "That was easy," said O'Neil. Then suddenly the skies cleared and all was finished.
Of course a few people were spared. Anyone who's ever run cross-country for Stuarts Draft was spared as well as the CURRENT COACH, and their immediate families were all allowed to move out of town the night before, then move back into town and rebuild it under a new, cooler name like Janjopolis, or Jen Beury Town. Also given the same treatment was anyone whose insipid insecurities don't make life hell for the rest of us.
As for all those lost in the Ragnarok-esque thing afforementioned, Brad had this to say: "Eternity, my friends, is a long fucking time!"
Well, that was fun.
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