THE METOPIAN PICAYUNE

Sandusky, Ohio-Every year, hundreds of visitors flock to this well known and celebrated theme park located on a peninsula in Lake Erie. They hear about the coasters, Millenium Force (tallest steel coaster in the USA), Wicked Twiser, and many more...but what they don't know is that once they enter those gates, their lives will be forever altered by the unspeakable evil of which I am about to speak of...
Now a testimony from a survivor, Sir Schottenfroida:

"Everything started out fine, after getting into the park about five minutes past opening time, we went directly to the Power Tower. There was no line, and within minutes we were dropping 240 feet to the ground. We got off the ride and returned again, only to be shot upward 240 feet this time. Exhilerated, we took off at a half sprint towards Millenium Force, the trademark coaster of the park. It was just a downward spiral from there. After waiting in line for a half hour, one of the attendants noticed my backpack holding our sustinance for the afternoon. She then directed me out of line, and to the lockers where I had to spend an exhuberant amount of money for a 1 x 1 x1.5 ft locker which barely held it's contents. After waiting in line for nearly three hours, we finally arrived at the loading dock. With much anticipation, the train began it's 300+ ft ascent, and as it rounded the top of the hill, all I could do was scream for my mommy. An exhuasting 58 seconds later, we returned to the loading dock, and exited to the celebrated "picture of you looking like a complete moron on our big scary ride" station. After not purchasing a picture of myself, I returned to the forced storage unit, only to find that the key they had provided me with did not fit. After calling over the assistant, I was finally able to retrieve my backpack. Then, while waiting in line for another ride, a group of people walk through this line called the FreeWay, and get in line right in front of us. So I ask them how FreeWay works, and they tell me all you have to do is be in the right place at the right time. So I go over to every FreeWay booth in the damn park only to find that they have no more tickets for the day. So I went on the Ferris Wheel and left. Bunch of bullshit. All in all, it was a lot of fun and I recomend it to everyone who reads this article."

Thanks to Sir Schottenfroida, we now know what a horrible experiance it is to have fun, so everyone should just sit on their collective ass and do nothing until they die. Have a nice day.

Batter Up at Pizza Hut

by Jack-did-Jill

Staunton, VA Pizza Hut of Route 11 Staunton announced today the loss of one of their most prized
possessions- The Spatula of Antioch™. Pizza Hut claims that two abductors took the
spatula in a rage over Pizza Huts inability to produce breadsticks while eating in
their restaurant. The abductors supposedly hide the spatula in their carry out box
and took it to a cheap photo booth, took pictures and wrote a ransom
note (See here)demanding payment of 2,000 breadsticks which they
tactfully nailed to the front door of Pizza Hut along with a hunk
of raw meat. Upon hearing that the spatula was in fact the
great Spatula of Antioch™, the abductors immediately came to me to tell their
(better) side of the story- and in an exclusive interview- I, Jack-did-Jill, have
the abductors own tale in a more or less grammatically simplified and correct
form(at least better than this sentence which IS somehow grammatically correct.):

JDJ: So, what drove you to steal the spatula in the first place?
SS&SBS (Sir Shizerdick & Sir Byrun Sexxalought): BREADSTICKS
JDJ: I'm sorry?
SS: We ordered breadsticks, and the stupid waitress came back and told us they didn’t
have any.
SBS: Yeah so when I got up to leave, I shoved the spatula in the pizza box!
JDJ: Did you know it was the Spatula of Antioch™ at the time?
SS: No way, we heard that and went “Oh shit”
SBS: Oh shit!


At this time let me explain the significance of the Spatula of Antioch™. One of St.
Antioch’s most prized possessions, used to serve pizza to his medieval guests and
scratch those hard to reach places, it ranks high up there on the “Cool Shit O’Meter”
along with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, and would have been used in King
Aurther’s quest for the Holy Grail to slash the neck of the evil bunny, had not the
Holy Hand Grenade blown the bunny to tiny bits-in the Lords mercy. So of
course, the Spatula has great power in battle and is multi-purpose since it also flips great
hamburgers(and is a good back scratch).

JDJ: So do you intend to return the spatula to Pizza Hut if they pay you your demanded
2,000 breadsticks?
SBS: Hell no man, it’s in the disclaimer on our note!
SS: Yeah, you think we’d give up the Spatula of Antioch™? Hell no!
SBS: Yeah it’s going into the Knights of Bohemia’s War Chest.
SS: It’s a closet now.
SBS: It is? What happen to the chest?
SS: Well it got too full with all the weapons in it.
SBS: So we bought a closet?
SS: Well actually no…that was too expensive so we just used the janitor’s closet at
school.
SBS: What the hell man?
SS: Hey, it was all I could think of.
JDJ: Anyways guys, now that you’re giving out vital Knights of Bohemia munitions
stockpile locations, let’s get back the spatula/subject/story. What was the point of doing a
ransom note like that if you guys were going to admit you did it?
SS: JDJ-listen, you can’t have a proper ransom note unless you do all those cut outs and
such.
SBS: Yeah, and just to make it legal we even put in a disclaimer- we just copied AOL’s
since we don’t have a lawyer for the Knight’s of Bohemia to do one for us.
JDJ: right…

So there you have it- straight from the abductors themselves. In a side note, Pizza Hut has
also be charged with Jukebox abuse, for smashing their jukebox after the
abductors set the play list to play Bohemia Rhapsody and Barbie Girl about 50times over
before they left the restaurant…after listening to Bohemia Rhapsody three times
like good Knights of course.

Burning Breasts Bring Belligerent Bees

by Wu Man B. Terr

Cheese: Somewhere in the vast, vast country of Vatican City, a Buddhist screamed in terror as the native Brazilian camels were ass-raped by a popular bodybuilder.
The next uneventful day found playboy millionaire Sir Neptars enjoying the company of sex queen, goddess, and zombie killer Angelina Jolie. However, suddenly, a spy from the Almighty Wilson Union leapt into view. He exclaimed, "I'm here for the girl!!" so Neptars pointed out the room were the kidnappees were hiding. Once the spy turned to enter, a Sperm Ball Attack from Neptars quickly immobilized the fiend. Intrigued by the way the spy licked the manly juices off himself, Neptars unmasked him, revealing the voluminous Jennifer Lopez in all her glory.
How the likes of the Wilson Union got hold of such voluminousness was later revealed to have much to do with Absolut Vodka, Venus flytraps, and illegal quantities of whale blubber.
Neptars, wondering why he did not notice Miss Lopez in all her glory firsthand, removed her spy suit to reveal an extremely constraining corset. Upon the corset's removal, her assets sprang back to normal size. Once she smiled at Neptars, he knew the rest of his day would be quite fun.
However, the scared little girls in the room had got hold of one of Neptars' blowtorches, and they all immediately found out exactly how flammable Neptars' juices are.
It was at this point that Sir Nobunaga, who was enjoying the company of the modern Charlie's Angels crew, accidentally kicked his wall. Now, this would have been rather insignificant had that kick not loosened a few mounds of leftover snow on the roof, which slid off onto several conveniently placed garden hoes, at the ends of which rested peevish gophers, who were flung into a large sperm whale parked outside, who, now irritated, let loose a DBZ-style blast that leveled a nearby forest.
This also would have been insignificant, had this not been Sir Schottenfroida's Bee-Harvesting Wood. All of about six billion quite agitated bees (who were for some reason bred to make honey from human semen) immediately formed a 747 and crashed into the Estate au Neptars, startling the housekeeping crew and arousing the Metopian National Guard (ala the Knights).
However, the Metopian National Guard did not come to the aid of the burning breasts, as it was Screw your Favorite Celebrity(ies) Day, and everyone but Neptars was enjoying it to the fullest.
At this point, Neptars dove into his closet, searching through his convenient shirt collection for the one that housed the Restore-J.Lo's-Breasts-To-Their-Original-Voluptuousness button. In the meantime, Jolie had entered Ass-Kicking Mode (not very far from her Sex-Having Mode) and was doing all sorts of cool Matrix-esque kicking, chopping, and shooting attacks against the honey-desiring bees, while the housekeeping crew stared, transfixed.
After five solid minutes of hardcore bee-slaying and determined shirt-hunting, Neptars was back to his excellent day. However, that day's bliss was cut short when it was announced that he had been demoted for annihilating Schottenfroida's prized bees and irritating Nobunaga's sperm whale, two crimes he was not responisible for.
We'll have the trial covered next week.

Robby Corbett Sends Response To Jarrod "The Poet" Thomas!!

by Frosty the Prevaricator
Photos by Jean-Luc Grand Pierre

Fort Defiance: After a slight conversation between Jarrod Thomas and Polly Arey at indoor districts, in which Jarrod got the idea that Polly didn't like him very much, Jarrod did the only thing that anyone could do in such a situation: send Polly poetry.
This poetry-sending slightly peeved Polly's boyfriend, Fort Defiance runner Robby Corbett. In an e-mail, Robby stated that he did not condone the sending of poetry.
Things returned to normal for a while, until, in early May, Jarrod again took up his poetic ways, sending a second poem to Ms. Arey. This second poem greatly angered Mr. Corbett, but Mr. Thomas, in a press conference, said, "What do I care?"
Over the summer, Mr. Corbett befriended a third party, a Mr. Brad "Marie" O'Neil, a very good runner at Stuarts Draft and a noted Elvis impersonator. Nothing really came of any of this, until one fateful day last week.
On said faithful day last week, Mr. Corbett invited Mr. O'Neil for a nice run through the woods on Saturday, August 23rd. O'Neil accepted the invitation. They were followed by Metopian Picayune photographer Jean-Luc Grand Pierre.
After the run...and a Hardees stop....and driving...the two (who were also with the afforementioned Polly Arey and her friend Hayley James) stopped at that place we all hate (we meaning nobody anymore, really...) Fort Defiance High School. There, Mr. Corbett asked photographer Jean-Luc Grand Pierre to take some pictures, in order to send a message to Mr. Thomas, which were then sent to Sir Vyborny.
The pictures.
We all wonder how Mr. Thomas will respond.....

Metopians Return From World Track & Field Championships

by Frosty The Prevaricator

Paris: Metopia was well represented by its first ever national athletics team. The IAAF Championships, the first major competition in which Metopia has fielded a team, took place over the past week in Paris, France.
On the morning of Day 1, Sir Vyborny tore up the streets in the 20-kilometer race walk, breaking the world record with his time of 1:10.31, but was disqualified for running the entire way, which is apparantly against the rules or something.
Day 2 saw a great 10,000 meter race. Though Ethiopians swept the medals, Metopian star Lasse Viren Jr. took fourth in 27:10. His rival Brad O'Neil placed 14th in 28:05.
Day 3 was a good day for the Metopians. In the morning, Stualts Dlaft native Jim Won'tis cleared an amazing 8 feet in the high jump to take the event. In the evening, Sir Salty Sam's pet Intangir took the silver in the 100 meter dash. A third medal was "earned" by Metopia as Brad O'Neil beat up the women's 800-meter champion Maria Mutola (Mozambique) and took her medal, before evading police by hiding in a pay-toilet.
On Day 4, it was back to the normal disapointment for Metopia, as 400 meter medal hopeful dnL Man lost out in the semi-final heats. Napoleon "Nap-Bones" Bonaparte was not well recieved by the French crowd as he ran the 3,000-meter steeplechase, edging teammate Cullen O'Neil for 12th place.
But on Day 5 it was back to glory, as An Addax tore through the 50K race walk in 2:50. Though there was an appeal by many nations, the rules for race-walking state that each contest must have two feet on the ground at all times, and it was not against the rules for the addax to lift up to two of a possible four legs off the ground at a time in order to, as it were, run the race-walk. An Addax had dropped the 1,500 meters in order to do the race-walk, but fellow Metopian Bard Nilsson took the bronze in that event with a time of 3:33.12. Also, the decathlon ended that day, with Metopian representative Jacksonville Ford placing 8th with 8050 points.
On Day 6, Hurricane Bob was the talk of the Pole Vault as he broke his pole a total of seven times, yelled at a small child, punched out a 200-meter runner in mid-race, and masturbated in the long jump pit. Frosty The Prevaricator, the other Metopian pole-vaulter, was too busy writing this story to compete.
Day 7 was the best day of all for the Metopians. First, in the 200 meter dash, all-star blitzball athlete Horst Hash took second with a time of 20.30. In Metopia's only two-medal event, the 400 hurdles, An Clinton took second, and his brother George Addax took third, as the two were barely edged by Felix Sanchez of the Dominican Republic. Later, Metopians Sir Schottenfroida, Sir Nobunaga, and Sir Fartlek swepth the 30-K bicycle race, but meet officials told them that there was no such event, and told them to get the hell off the track.
On Day 8, Metopia got one more medal, as Intangir got his second medal by winning the 110 hurdles in 12.97. Marathoner Sir Schizerdick ran well, with a time of 2:10, good for 7th. His fellow marathon runner and partner-in-crime Sir Byrun Sexxalought was unable to finish, because halfway through the event he was given a mission for the Knights of Bohemia, which, though confidential, may have involved infiltrating an anti-cheese conglomerate's international headquarters in Botswana.
That would be all for the Metopians. Though the competition still had one day remaining (Day 9), the Metopian team left the meet because, as Metopians, it is unlawful to recognize the concept of "9".
So the final medal count for the Empire of Metopia was 8, 3 gold, 3 silver, and 2 bronze. Not bad for a nation that's only a year old, eh?
When asked about his team's achievements, co-captain Sir Vyborny said, "Oh yea, it's a great showing for us, especially in our first competiton as a team." When asked whether it was okay that almost all the Empire's medals came in sprinting events, he added, "You know what, it does piss me off!! This nation was founded on the concept of long distance running!! Well fuck this, I'm outta here!!!" It was then decreed that all sprinters should be shot.

---

Archives for:

December 2002

January 2003

February 2003

March 2003

April 2003

May 2003

June 2003

July 2003

---

If you would like to submit a story to The Metopian Picayune, you can do so here