So You Want to be a College Student?
The Idiot’s Guide to It
By Jack-Did-Jill
University: I, Jack-Did-Jill; In my infinite wisdom, awesome intelligence, and stud-like ways, have decided to provide a few tips which I have learned in my experiences dealing in college. This is presuming that any of your morons could actually achieve higher education and I’m willing to humor the presumption because I recognize the over presumption-ness of the said presumption, so I will presume to consider presuming with the said presumption, and you can therefore presume that I am presuming it only for the ironic presumption-ness of the presuming.
If that confused you, then you’re in for a real treat with the rest of this.
One of the first things you will notice is that you have a roommate. Yes, I know it’s hard to accept, but you will be living with someone for the next 9 months. Trust me- this is worse than carrying a baby to. For you don’t have to deal with YOUR morning sickness, but with their bitch of a girlfriend/boyfriend who they got pregnant with and are both hence, assholes. Here’s a tip: Kill them. This will be good for numerous reasons. One, you won’t have to deal with their fucking ass anymore. Two, you probably wont get another roommate, leaving you plenty of privacy to masturbate to internet porn(which we will get to.) Finally, If you do it right, and by right I mean making it look like suicide, you will actually get all A’s for the year. Trust me, THAT urban legend is true.
The next thing you’ll notice is you have to pay for this re-cock-u-lous meal plan which you don’t want, because the food sucks, and even if you DID want that pig shit slop you couldn’t POSSIBLY use all the god damn meal plans/ dining dollars (however your school does it.) Here’s a tip(…and despite my magnificent intelligence- I did not think this up, but I have mastered it into an art) Buy Pepsi. Yes I know- Pepsi taste like brown water, and you’re asking yourself- ‘Why the fuck would I ever drink that pussy of a drink Pepsi?”
Well I never said DRINK it. That’s unbearable. However, tilt the damn things, find out if you can get a free song on I-Tunes, and buy a shit load of them. Think about it, you’ll get rid of all those unused dining dollars, and you’ll get free songs legally on I-tunes, AND you can recycle the bottles to make $$$. It’s perfect.
Now you’ll notice you have this thing called ‘class’ to go to…don’t bother. That ended in high school boys and girls. You’re all big kids now, fuck class. When someone says “class” , you should respond by “huh?” Seriously, there is no point in going. It’s all basic, any jack off can pass (and we all know you’re a huge jack off), and it takes up precious time spent sleeping. If you really think you MUST go to class…show up late, impress members of the opposite sex with you ability to make an entrance in the usual ‘I just woke up/ haven’t taken a shower/ I look like a putz’ attire. You’ll score points and defiantly won’t miss anything. Compliment this by sleeping in class or playing games on your cell phone. Bring a computer and watch movies with a splitter for headphones and subtitles on. Trust me- this makes your VERY popular. Although the prof. will wonder why everyone sits around you, and why a ‘I just woke up/ haven’t taken a shower/ I look like a putz’ like you has two hott ass chicks sitting next to you with head phones on…and why are you massaging one of their breasts and the others inner thigh…and why…
In a moment of serious not usually found in my articles, I would say in all honesty that you should take classes you are INTERESTED in and not bother with an actually major till you’ve seen what kind of classes you’re going to be in. You’ll be much happier taking electives, much more willing to go to class. To graduate you need at least 40 credits worth of electives- so might as well use them finding what you like to do, rather than waste time with dick classes you eventually find out you don’t like. Plus you’ll have more time to do the things which are really important in college…like massage chicks thighs while watching ‘The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’ and have their sweet, luscious smell driving you crazy while they coo over how an amazingly hott stud like you could be so ingenious as to bring a laptop and movie to class…and maybe some beer to really make them more flirt-ful. Oh and if you don’t take my advice in these matters- I TOLD YOU SO…dumbass
NEXT on the list is that goddamn AIM. This is your life line…if you don’t have it- GET IT, and if you have it…plan on thinking up some funny away messages to describe normal places, and prepare to use it a lot…I'm sorry- this is how college students communicate- get on the god damn band wagon before I fucking run you over with it. You’ll get more info about what’s going on in the school- plus be able to know where everyone’s at when you need them.
…Attend parties. If you’re not a party person email
ME and I’ll take you out and show you where those damn parties are at, get you laid, and socially active in no time. … or I’ll steal your woman and take all the fun myself. However it is important to get over reserves about not drinking if you’re like that, or not partying. College is about meeting PEOPLE, and PEOPLE are at PARTIES (the three P’s people.) So hence, logic would say get off your ass and go to that gay frat party- because they seem to attract hott chicks who hate the stupid dicks of frat boys anyways so you’ll have good pickings. Seriously, Logic just said that- he also said if you don’t follow his logic, then Logic is going to come over and beat your head in with a dull pick ax. If you don’t drink- FINE, take a word of advice and start…or more practically- just get a cup(not a clear one of course) of coke/water/whatever you approve of- and enjoy yourself. People will be dropping left and right, and you can be as goofy as you like and not have to worry about being an idiot. People like it when you’re goofy, and they’ll like thinking you’re drunk- you’ll get invited back to more parties, and hence more opportunities to get laid (even you females of the group…not to say you have to go to those…just email
ME and I’m sure we can work something out.) Plus it’s FUN. Enjoy thyself, for tomorrow we die.
Unless you really like someone from where you’re from…don’t hang out with them if they happen to go to the same college…in fact, avoid them at all costs. They tend to get possessive and needy- and cramp your style, preventing you from growing and branching out, and you still have to listen to their fucking whiny ass voice. HIDE. Or just be blunt like me and tell them you don’t like them and they can go suck a smoking gun barrel for all you care. Meet new people- they won’t know how much of a true loser you really are, which means you can manipulate them to achieve one of your three goals in college…lets lay those out now.
Things to Do in College
Get laid…as much as possible
party…as much as possible(for as cheap as possible)
Do 1 and 2 over and over again…as much as possible
I think even you douche bags can fit that on your hand to remember…just try and write small- I know it’s hard.
Finally- Do something fucking useful with your life. Join the
National Guard and make something of yourself. This is for numerous reasons.
Pays for college. (75% after basic, 25% after your advance training- which should be easy for your dumbasses)
make even more money on the side(over $300 a month, just for you)
stay active
be a hard ass mother fucker who can demand respect
job skills
You get all that, especially in Virginia- since Virginia pays your college instead of the Montgomery G.I. Bill, which instead gives you a stipend of about $250. What are you required to do? 1 weekend a month of drill, 2 weeks a year of active duty. No you wont get called up if you split you AIT(advance training) and boot camp into two years. The 8 weeks you’re in boot camp you will make about $2300 and you’ll make $170 a month from drill…which is fun as shit. Hey, you might even be lucky enough to have me as your superior! What lame, pitiful excuses do you have? You cant take orders? Fuck you. You’ve been taking orders by going to high school, by doing what you’re told, by following society…look at all the dimwits that make it into the army…are you telling me they can do it but you’re too pathetic you cant? HA! Maybe you’re right. There is no excuse…it sounds too good to be true- and yes in some sense it is…but the trade off’ are worth it. So stop wasting life and do something useful, otherwise die because you’re useless.
So there you have it. Hope College goes well for you all…stay good Metopian’s and donate money. If you have any questions, I’ll be glad to make another post if you all write them to me. Have fun. Enjoy it, you’re going to be working for the rest of your damn life anyways.
And now for a moment of philosophy...
To presume to ask the question ‘how much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood’ is preposterous. One inherently assumes that a woodchuck would chuck wood if it could- which is silly since why would one chuck wood if one could chuck wood? Asides from would chucking it on a woodchuck for chucking wood which is yours. What the REAL question is- did he wear a condom while doing it?
Metopians Sweep Arts Festival...Again
by Frosty The Prevaricator
Vybornyville: Yes once again it was an all-in Metopian run at the Pepsi Toilets Arts Type Deal. Which is just as well because it happened last year (see March 2003 Picayune for infwat.)
First, all the films awards when once again to the Cangronian traitor Tot Adams, including the Film Of The Year, "The Horror of the Pizza Cutter Killer," which stunned the audience by defeating a heavily favored "From Justin To Kelly Part 6." Next came the awards for literature. The 2003 Poetry award went to Jerome Lafaire for "Scatological Cake," the political rant award went to "Hurricane" Bob Lent for "Physics Class Is For Dickheads," and the journalism award went to me for "Metopians Sweep Arts Festival (March 2003)."
Next came the awards for the musical arts. The interperative dance award went to "Trak Starzz" featuring Jim Won'tis and Bard Nilsson, defeating the dance stylings of such famous groups as Football Starzz, B-Ball Starzz, Baseball Starzz, and Bestiality. Award for the longest sustained fart went for the second time to Brandon Spalding, who initially lost to Hurricane Bob who was later disqualified for having used Spalding's fart machine. And of course the song of the year went to SDCC for "FJB." As the band accepted the award, guitar player $hawn Wheeler said to the audience, "My tight pants kick ass. It's a skinny man's revolution!" The night was almost ruined, however, when the prize for best band was given to Gob. Audience members rushed the stage, beat up The Dude in Gob, and handed over the award to SDCC.
As the arts festival drew to a close, they gave the Cross Country Award (a 20000 lb, 24-karot platinum soap-dish) to Brad O'Neil for a tenth place finish at states, a 16:16 PR, and a overall rotten attitude.
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